Yes, I Have a Healthy Vagina! Part Two Sex and HIV

I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life alone, but I didn’t want to be rejected either. It was a hard call, but I had to take the chance. I kept saying to myself, “All he can say is no.” But no was really a big deal if I was honest about it. No one really wants to be rejected. In fact, we often go to great lengths to meet a man’s approval. But there was nothing I could do to change the fact that I had HIV. You can’t change it like the color of your lipstick or your hair. I knew I had to be a woman and face this fact head on: HIV was here to stay and having a healthy vagina was never gonna change that fact.

 We sat at the kitchen table. I remember his smooth caramel skin and dark wavy hair to this day. My mind was racing and my heart was jumping like a jack rabbit. I started slow, “A while back I donated blood and they told me that I was HIV positive.” His smile disappeared. He adjusted himself in his seat, took a sip of the coffee that I had sat in front of him, but he sat in silence. “I really like you and I thought that you should know,” I added. He took a deep breath.

 I started talking again. His silence seemed permanent and it was killing me. “I understand if you don’t want to continue,” I added meekly. Then I started rambling. I can’t remember what I was saying, I just remember that he took his finger and placed it over my lip with one hand and with the other, he rested it on top of my hand. “I’m sorry Rae,” he said tenderly and then silence filled the air yet again. A tear dropped from my eye. “I’m sorry too,” I mumbled. “You’re an incredible woman and you don't deserve this,” he said softly. I began bracing myself for the let down. He continued. “Rae, I really like spending time with you. It will be ok. We can use condoms.” A smile came over my face. I didn't know what that meant for sure, but it was encouraging. That night, we talked for hours. I told him everything I knew about HIV and my status. And I allowed him to ask me anything he wanted to know. I at least owed him that much. 

Eventually, we reached a comfort zone. But it never got any easier after that. Every time I met someone that I really liked, I was faced with having to tell them I had HIV and each time my anxiety and fear of rejection mounted. But in my best moral judgment, I couldn't be intimate with someone and not tell them that I had HIV. So I did. And over the years I discovered that finding someone to have sex with me was the easiest thing I could ever do.

Honestly! In the 23 years I’ve know my HIV status, I have never had a man say no. No, I didn’t stutter, I HAVE NEVER HAD A MAN SAY NO!!! The truth of the matter is that I’ve even had men in relationships willing to be intimate with me, knowing my HIV status. I had to be the one to take responsibility and make the best decisions for both of us. And that’s how it went for years. Then I met and married my ex-husband and I didn’t have to face the anxiety anymore. There was a sense of relief those 3 years he and I were together.

Then the marriage crumbled. No he didn't leave me because I had AIDS. I packed his shit. It became something that interfered with my emotional health (Sorry… details about that reserved for the book) But I will say this. I had to make a hard decision. And I did, AIDS hadn't killed me and I sure wasn't gonna let his ass kill me either. Sister did what a sister had to do. For Real... For Real...

Ok, back to my dating life. But once divorced, I discovered dating was very different and more difficult than before I was married. When I got married, I had just begun speaking about HIV/AIDS. By the time I divorced, I was at the peek of my popularity. Men wanted to “get with me” but they didn't want to date me publicly. It hit me like a ton of bricks!! Before I got married, my HIV status was virtually a secret. I’d only told 5 people in 7 years with the exception of men I dated. I realized that my HIV status had been a mutual secret. I wasn't telling anyone and neither were they. Now, I was this famous AIDS Activist going around the country talking about my dating and sex life and finding someone to make a commitment became increasingly difficult. Yes, men wanted to be in what they called a “relationship,” but they didn’t want anyone to know that they were with me. Many a day, men have said to me, “Why you want people in our business?” I realized it wasn't about people being in our business, it was about shame and liability. They just didn’t want people to know they were dating the woman with AIDS. If the relationship didn’t work out, then no one would ever know.

I’m sad to say that my ministry and work around HIV/AIDS became more of a liability in finding a man then having AIDS.

WOW! It was deep and I have to be incredibly honest here, my self esteem took an unexpected hit, and I was sinking right along with it. I accepted their conditions so that I wouldn't be alone. I even had some stupid ass rationalization for it... To be continued…

 *Please stay with me as I unravel my dating and sex life in this series.