Ok, I know you thought I wasn't coming back to the topic but I am a Woman of my word. You can take that to the bank! Yes, I Have a Healthy Vagina!! For Real... For Real... Let’s recap: remember in part one, after I learned I was HIV positive, I was dumped and that brought on a fear of rejection and I shut down on dating altogether. I was not prepared for rejection, my self esteem couldn't take that kind of blow. Then in part two, I eventually got over that fear and discovered that men would date me in spite of my HIV status. I eventually got married and after my divorce dating was different. Men wanted to date me, but didn't want the liability of a public relationship. And that’s where I left off. (Parts one and two are in the blog archives.)
My ministry and work became a liability for my dating life. Prior to my marriage, my HIV status was a mutual secret between me and my partner. By the time of my divorce I was a famous AIDS Activist, traveling the country talking about my dating and sex life. Men were not standing in line to date me publicly.
HIV became a barrier in a different way. Ok, being honest about it, yes, I met some men along the way who were willing to date me but I could never find the perfect mate. I’m picky like that, and you should be too. They always seemed to have a problem with the fact that I'm a Type A personality and smart as a whip. That can be a little intimidating to some men. For Real... So while some men were ok dating me publicly, they had problems with the fact that I was a strong black woman!
And the men that I did like, who were comfortable with my Type A personality, weren't always willing to go that extra mile. They thought that I was an incredible woman but they didn't want anyone else to know. I know, a lot of oxymorons here and contradictions there. Right? Right!
My dating life was a big mess and my self esteem took an unexpected blow and I was sinking right along with it. It was a trade off. Date someone privately that respected my brain and accomplishments. Or, date someone publicly who had an issue with me as a woman. I chose the private life. Someone that I didn’t have to be a daily companion to seemed a lot easier.
I will admit, I accepted their conditions so that I wouldn't be alone and I even had some stupid ass rationalizations. You see, my marriage had been so public and after the divorce I had to retrace my steps. Women asked me every day, “You said that your husband was the best thing since sliced bread... What happened?” Even reporters asked me, “What happened?” (The bread molded, that’s what.)
But back to the story. So I said to myself, “Rae, it’s better to be private about your dating life so you won’t have to address the public fallout like you did with your marriage.” But that wasn't the bombshell. Nooooo, in my twisted thinking, I thought that there was something great about the fact that I didn't have a problem getting a man in spite of my HIV status, whether he dated me publicly or not. I bought into my own hype, you know, “I got it like that.” *SMDH* It was sick and twisted.
Over time I got tired. And I started to not like myself very much. I knew that I had to face the fact that I had a mess that stunk worse than a rotten skunk. But I still didn't want to be alone. Nobody wants to be alone and that made me slow walk the changes that were needed. Then I started to feel like a hypocrite, traveling around the country talking to young girls and women about living healthy and making smart decisions, but I was living a double life.
I knew that changes had to be made. I started to tackle these issues in therapy, mainly my need to be loved and my fear of being alone. I discovered that they were very much rooted in my childhood issues of sexual, physical and emotional abuse. But understanding the root causes does not change the behavior. You must be willing to turn that knowledge into action and do the hard work necessary for change. Over time I began to face my demons head on. No, it was not an overnight transformation. But I started to make the changes and the more I changed the more I liked the new me. Yes, I understood that I ran the risk of being alone. But I knew deep down that being alone with the you that you liked was better than hating one part of who you are.
I eventually got there. I made a fundamental decision. If you can’t walk in the park with me in the daylight then you can’t have any coochie in the dark! POW!! I also found a balance with what was important for the public to know about my dating life as it relates to my work and what parts that I should keep for myself. Over time that made dating a lot smoother. Am I still capable of making poor decisions? Of course I am. After all, I am only human. But, I do try to be honest with myself along the way, and no more stupid ass rationalizations about living unhealthy. I want to be the best me that I can be. Only when you are the best you for you, can you then be the best you for someone else. It begins with self love. And that has nothing to do with HIV.
Post Script: Did I ever find that someone who wasn't intimidated by my type A personality and brilliance and was willing to take long walks in the park in broad daylight? I sure did!! But I made a promise to him that I would only tell our story in our book... And I am a Woman of my word!
Tea began as medicine and morphed into a beverage of choice!
I don't quite remember when I fell in love with tea but I do remember the most 
Until recently I had never drank Peppermint Tea made with loose leaves. And Honestly, I will probably never go back. The freshness of loose Peppermint Tea cannot be denied. When I open the can of 
I love to read! Inside a book I escape into someone else's life. There is something wonderful about turning to the next page of a wonderful story. Something intoxicating about the smell of the book and the story it brings to life. Reading brings me joy, and these days with my health in the balance, I find solace in my books.
