And how soon is too soon for sex in a relationship? I know there has always been a double standard in our society. Women who have sex early, 1 day, 1 week, 1 month are typically called whores. And men are glorified for being able to get that "thang." And honestly, the main reason women hold out is to ensure that he is what he says he is. But holding out for months won't determine if he will be an ass in the end. Nor does it guarantee that he won't dump you once he actually "gets it." I mean some men love the chase. I've said over and over again, no one ever really knows everything about a person, not really. Even though we bask in a level of arrogance, proclaiming that you know your "Boo."
What we do is exchange chemistry for friendship. But I'm here to tell you, just because he turns you on sexually does not mean that you two are compatible in other areas of your life. Really! I've had some wonderful sex from some assholes. For Real! Who, in the end, didn't really have my best interest at heart, and wasn't capable of an honest friendship based on mutual respect.
I started thinking about this because I had dinner the other evening with an absolute gentleman. It was a real date. I can't even remember the last time I've had "real" date. My last relationship was a whirlwind and it ended in a whirlwind that left me broken. And that was a power that I gave him over me. But... Never again. Never again. We blame everyone but ourselves and a person can only do to us what we allow them to do. Whether they have best intentions or not.
And it was a lovely evening. We laughed and shared a meal. There's a lot of intimacy and power in sharing a meal. Really! You see, sharing a meal forces you to actually look at the person sitting across from you. It allows you to see a smile or the special way they laugh. And those can be some of the most powerful moments of intimacy. Intimacy isn't fucking. It is characterize as, essential, innermost, familiarity, comfortability, very personal. Fucking on the other hand is what it is, an act of sexual intercourse. And the sad part is, you can have fucking without intimacy. Dating allows for intimacy.
After dinner, I invited him to my home for tea. And we laughed, we talked, and in those most "intimate" of moments, like a touch on the leg, a soft brush across my face with the swipe of his hand, a hug, we both knew that we had chemistry. But chemistry does not add up to friendship.
No, I'm not putting any time limitations on it, but I am saying, know that there is a difference between chemistry and friendship and there is a place for both of them in a relationship. Chemistry is instant and it creates a path for friendship... It is not the path. And friendship will under-gird the longest, strongest and boldest of relationships.
And oh, the thing that impressed me the most, when we stood at my door to say goodnight, he didn't try to stick his tongue down my throat. He didn't assume that the intimate moments we shared throughout the evening gave him the right to cross that boundary. And what's the rush anyway? If the friendship grows, both of your tongues will tag along.