We spend our time looking for the right Mr. Right, but there is no such thing. Every woman wants a fairy tale but that person is in our dreams, not in our reality. Everyone comes to a relationship with something. EVERYONE! I come with HIV, Herpes, and a lot of crazy, thanks to my crazy childhood. But I also come smart, loving, kind, cute, purposeful and a whole lot of other good stuff.
The thing is, you have to decide what is acceptable to you. No I'm not talking about settling for something less than you deserve. The focus should be, a man who understands and appreciates your value. Someone that sees you in the wonderful image that God created you and respects that to the utmost. Someone who adds value to your life. We will come back to that in a minute.
Take me, I was in my mother's womb sucking an umbilical cord laced in heroin. That right there determined some of my journey and I didn't even have a say so. I talk about that in my new book, The Politics of Respectability, how our journey shapes who we are. It affects how we live our life, understand our faith and the lenses from which we even read the Bible. But it also shapes our outlook on relationships.
So when you meet a person you have no real idea of what's on the inside, not until they begin to show you. That stuff on the inside ain't always cute, but it ain't always a reason to over look a man either. What it shouldn't do is leave you crazy or make you feel less than.
For the last 10 years my shop has been really closed.... That is between my legs.. Well I had that crazy bipolar fool I talked about in the Love Triangle Blog. Then a few years later, I had the one who I believed to be the love of my life, but he came with soooo much, that it started to out shine the love and the life we were trying to build. It hurt more than it felt good and I had to let go and that was over two years ago.
Yeah, I thought my pussy was queen and if I could lay it on him, he would love me forever. But I discovered that my vagina only had the power of each fuck and after the fuck was over, I became an ordinary black woman lacking the most important ingredient to my wholeness, self-love. I stepped back, and through therapy I started to understand my demons. And once I understood them I could make that journey to eliminate their power over me. That took a lot of work and it left me lonely many a nights, but I learned to spend time with myself, to appreciate me. Have you ever explored your own body, the way you want a man to? Do you know the joys of your own self before you let someone else have them?
This is what I'm saying, you want someone in your life that respects you and appreciates your value. We meet someone and think he's the best thing since sliced bread and then we start to see little patches of mold and that ain't always a bad thing, but sometimes it is.
You have to ask yourself, does he make you feel worst than? I'm not talking about when he's rubbing all on your body. Good sex does not equate to a good relationship. Some of the best sex of my life were with men who in the end treated me like shit. The wet between your legs only last for a short time, but the tears on your heart can last a life time.
Yes, so ask yourself, does he make you laugh more than he makes you cry? Are you more stressed out than at peace? Like for Real, do you spend more time waiting on him to call, looking at his Twitter and Facebook page, than the time spent with him? This is a fact, listen carefully, IF A MAN WANTS TO BE WITH YOU, HE WILL MAKE THE TIME!
Are you to afraid to talk about condom use or HIV testing for fear that he will trip? Well if he is tripping on what's important to you, then he does not value what you value and the questions becomes, why would you give yourself to someone who does not value what you value? Has he ever hit you or pushed you in anyway. A man has NO right to ever touch you in a way that hurts!
These are the real questions you have to ask yourself in a relationship? Whether it's heterosexual or same sex. I didn't forget yall, it's just that I'm a heterosexual woman and I speak out of my experiences. So the same goes for same sex relationships. If they take away more than they add, then thats ground for re-examination.
Don't ask a person to change for you, if they don't already treat you the way you should be treated then you are off to a bad start. We are blinded by what is, for what we want it to be.
What should rule your relationship is mutual respect, admiration, celebration and love. I'm concerned with how he treats me from day one, not how I hope he will treat me. Proof is always in the Pudding. Action speaks a lot louder than words.
But at the end of the day, you can't expect a man to know your value, if you don't know your value. When you don't know your value, you will accept anything and he will give you anything.