Separation of Opportunity: Reflection On Delta Sigma Theta Sorority.

Today marks two years since my membership in Delta Sigma Theta Sorority, Inc. as an honorary member was rescinded. I'm not going to rehash any of those gory details you can read all about it here and here and here. The pain that I felt  three years ago seemed insurmountable. Even last year I was still hurting far more than I would have wanted to admit.

I look back over being kicked out of Delta Sigma Theta, Sorority and think it a blessing that I can now fully embrace. For sure, I'm wiser, stronger but most importantly it sent me on a journey of self understanding that had been waiting in the wings to happen.

Two years ago this was a crisis that consumed my life, every part of my being, my body, heart and soul. Yet reflecting today, it also presented me with an opportunity. Sue Monk Kidd in her book When the Heart Waits would have seen this crisis as a "separation of opportunity." The greek word crisis derives from the Greek word Krisis and Krino which means "a separating."

This separation made me reexaime myself. The woman I had become and the woman that I'm seeking. 

At the end of this road, through all the hurtful tweets, facebook discussions, comments on my Youtube and my blog, from women who once called me sister and praised my advocacy in HIV/AIDS, and stood in my honor at official meetings when I enter the room, I learned, in spite of what was said about me, I like me! And I like me so much I don't feel the need to defend who I am.

I mean, I really, really like me. That would translate into loving yourself. When you can say you like who you are, what you do, how you do it, what you wear or don't wear, how you live your life, without limitations on what others think of you, you have reached that place of self-love.

Delta helped me to be even more  unapologetic about who I am. My authentic self has grown by leaps and bounds. It recently gave me the strength to walk away from my leadership positions at church without defending my right to do and live as I please, in spite of what people may deem "proper" for an ordained minister. It has made me live out loud without regard to the issues of "respectability" that I highlight in my book, The Politics of Respectability. My life is uniquely mine and to live your life for the validation of others would be to deny who God created you to be., that uniqueness.

Delta, even created space for me to move through this profound spiritual journey that I just began with confidence that my "seeking" does not conflict with my Christian beliefs but enhances them. Sue Monk Kidd would say "In order to follow the inner journey, we need to leave behind those things that are deadening the loyalties that no longer have life for us," When I read that I said yesssss, my separation from Delta released me of loyalties that hindered my authentic self.

When I look back over the sacrifices and loyalties I kept to "belong" all the money I spent on red St. John Knits to "fit in" with the upper crust of leadership. All the times I spoke for Delta events for a potion of my speakers fee, so that I could be the "liked" honorary member and show that MY sorority was doing something on HIV/AIDS. Even coming to one convention {because I was told repeatedly that honorary members "never show up"} instead of staying with my mother who was in the last weeks of her life, I know that I am released from loyalties that hindered my authentic self.

This has been a long two year journey, but I can look back and say, that Delta did for me what I was unable to do for myself. In Delta I was still the "little Rae" seeking approval half/in and half/out of my authentic self. 

Those tweets that day was my authentic self, but the rejection that I felt over being my authentic self was "little Rae."

As I reflect, I had to examine what was it in me to cause me to be so wounded by Delta's rejection? But the larger question and most importantly, why would I want to below to any organization that could not validate and support my authentic self.  Why would I want to belong to  women who one day called me sister and the next called me demon?  I had to take a long look at myself, not at Delta Sigma Theta for those answers. 

This separation from Delta Sigma Theta Sorority, was a Separation of Opportunity for it sent me on a journey of reexamination. It helped to heal the "little Rae" always seeking approval, always half/in and  half/out of my authentic self. 

Today, What I know for sure, I'm the authentic version of me, living out loud in the spirit that God create me to be. 

Monday Reflection: Gratitude-In Spite Of!

I heard the birds singing and I opened one eye to see if the sun was out. I could barely move from exhaustion from the BlogHer Conference and the nerve pain medication that I'm taking, which makes me groggy, but as I lay in bed this morning my heart was filled with gratitude. I could hear and see and in spite of my exhaustion and pain level, I could even move. I opened both eyes to check on my baby girl, and Sophie was buried in the pillows next to me sleeping like a wild child and probably happy to be home from the four night stay in the hotel this past week.

I checked my phone for the time, it was 5:30 A. M. and I crawled out of bed to use the bedroom. As I laid back down I remembered out the blue the time I woke up in a hotel room and I couldn't walk. I had to crawl to the bathroom and back to the bed. I was on the road planning to speak at the University of Illinois in Champaign and overnight, I developed Herpes Zoster (Shingles). The pain was so intense walking was near impossible. It was an event for Delta Sigma Theta Sorority, Inc. and I was determined to not leave my "Sorors" hanging. My doctor wanted me to come home immediately, but with a hard head and determination I stayed.

By that evening I had sores from the top of my butt to the bottom of my feet. My Godchild, Toi,  took the bus down to be with me and that night she had to help me get dress. That night I stood by the grace of God for almost two hours in 4 inch heels. Toi drove me back to Chicago, me laid out in the back seat of my car. When we arrived home in the middle of the night, I had to crawl up the two flights of stairs to get to my apartment and crawl back down that morning to go to the doctor. Recovery took over a month. I couldn't walk and morphine was the only thing that relieved my pain.

No matter how I look, or how active I seem to people, I understand clearly, with AIDS you can get hit from nowhere and it is what it is. Most days I get hit actually, it's just some days I get hit harder than others. Somedays I smile through it, other days I cuss through it.

Because this life of AIDS is unpredictable, I never take it for granted. Now don't be confused, there are days when I think I've had enough. Days when I want to cuss, fuss and rant through it and do, and a smile is foreign to my face. Days when I want to say enough is enough. 

Like these past three weeks on IV medication, I was so sick I couldn't  think straight and I had a funky attitude to go right along with how I was feeling. People don't understand the drama one is faced when a medication that is making you better in one area but it also makes you so sick in another. For sure, for me there is a hopelessness I feel. Its like being stuck between a rock and a hard place. Especially when I have no control. It makes you lose perspective, the larger picture.

Yet at the end of the day, I understand that life is a blessing. I get it! I'm alive!  This is my life, my struggle, but yet I still have gratitude.

So this morning when I heard the birds signing, telling me that it was a new day, I was overwhelmed in my heart and my spirit. 

Today, I had perspective and with perspective, I could smile, smile because I could hear the birds singing, see my baby girl laying peacefully next to me. I could walk to the bathroom on my feet and despite all I've been through, I still have my right mind. I was filled with nothing but gratitude this morning in spite of my lie with AIDS.

Post Scrpit: I'm looking for a blog editor send your info to Rae@raelewisthonton.com

Making Sense of Sisterhood: A Retospective on Delta Sigma Theta!

As Delta Sigma Theta Sorority, Inc. celebrates their centennial anniversary this week, I'm muddling through still trying to make sense of the meaning of Sisterhood.

I remember the day that I was inducted into Delta Sigma Theta, I walked that aisle with tears streaming down my face. Never in my wildest imagination did I think my dream of being a Delta would come true.

I always wanted to be a Delta. It's just that my first two years in college I was so busy in politics registering my classmates to vote, boycotting the university's foundation because of it's investments in apartheid South Africa, that I never got around to pledging. Then I quit school to hit the road to work on Rev. Jesse Jackson's presidential campaigns and by the time I went back to school I was 27 and then I made a transition to AIDS. When I made a transition to AIDS, I knew that I would never be a Delta. Back then, the life expectancy was 2-3 years at most for someone living with "full-blown" AIDS.

Even as my health was failing and I crisscrossed this country trying to educate, telling my story to as many as I could before I died, I still had Delta in my heart. College students would ask me if I pledged and I would respond, "No, but I'm a Delta Wanta Be." I would joke and say, "Ima have them engrave that on my tombstone, "Delta Wanna Be."

Then as I rose to fame in my HIV/AIDS activism, Alpha Kappa Alpha, Sorority, Inc. was the first to call. It was an unofficial /official call to see if I wanted it. It was a done deal I was told, if I said yes. I took a deep breath and said, while I respect your organization, I cannot accept. I have always wanted to be a Delta and it wouldn't be fair to you for me to wear your letters. Delta didn't call for another 4 years, but they called.

The Day I was Inducted!

As the convention open's today, the thought that I am not walking down that aisle with other Honorary members is beyond my understanding. The rescinding of my Honorary Membership on May 1, 2012, 12 years after I was inducted, is still baffling to me.

 I've been to every convention since I was inducted but two. One I missed because it was around the same time I graduated from seminary, and the other I missed because I never got a return call from the national office. I had been struggling with my health and got a late start.

The 12 years that I was a member of Delta, I went to conventions and I hung with Soror's and gave my support to the sorority as best as I could. Often coming home so wiped out it would take over a week to re-group with my health.

While some will say get over it. I say, this is not your life and it's easier for you to dismiss my pain. Delta has always been in my heart. I had Soror's tell me that they had never seen Honorary members until me, stay the entire convention and hang out with Soror's. I attend even the collegiate events. That was me, I was all in!

Hanging with Soror's the day I was inducted

So today, I'm trying to make sense of the meaning of Sisterhood. I'm sure many Delta's want me to stop talking about this. I get it, who wants to face the reality of what the national executive committee has done.

Be clear, I'm never going to stop talking about this ever because I understand when we stop talking about something, we silence history. Just like pledges have to know who Honorary members are and their accomplishments, I will continue to tell my story of this sad and painful ending.

Me and other Honorary Members 

This blog is a year retrospective. For more details about my relationship with Delta Sigma Theta and the events that lead to my Honorary Membership being rescinded, you can view the video below or read this blog post Here!

For sure, Delta Sigma Theta Sorority has written me off like I NEVER existed! They have shut me out like I'm dead. It seems like I'm a memory that they would rather not have, like I was the worst thing that ever happened to Delta and maybe for some I am.

Understand, as an Honorary member I was held in high esteem. The collegiate's loved me because I showed them love. They had never had an Honorary member that was willing to come to the Delta House on campus to hang out or to go out to lunch/dinner with them, while speaking in the area. I gave love and I felt loved.

at convention 2008

I often talked about not having any family and Soror's would say, we are your family now; we got you Soror. In fact, I became such a popular Honorary member both in the sorority and outside the sorority that I was told often, that during sorority membership intake my name was one of the most mentioned of notable Delta's.

I was told by girls on college campuses that they had never considered pledging until they learned that I was a Delta and saw the high esteem with which I regarded my sorority.  Coping with this abandonment and lost has been hard for sure.

As I reflect today, I could have never imaged that my truth telling tweets on February 16, 2011, would have ended in my expulsion from Delta.

May 1, 2012, the day that I received the call from the national president, Cynthia Butler McIntrye I felt like life had been kicked out of me. I felt like a hollow shell and I wasn't quite sure how I was going to restore myself. The sorrow that I felt around Delta's decision was so fucking overwhelming and all consuming. 

Me and Soror's at FAMU

At the center of the debate was what kind of woman I am. Can you image what it feels like for other people to assign worth to you, especially women? For Delta to have told me that I was worth something and then change their mind over some tweets. Can you imagine what it felt like to have women in private chat rooms on Facebook of which I belonged, to talk about me like I was a freaking dog but who had been calling me Soror, Sister for years?

 Shit, if cursing defined me, then I was dome from the beginning. Delta should have just passed me up. I think I came out of my mother's womb cursing and if I didn't, I should have and first off  asked my mother, "What the fuck was on her mind shooting heroin with a baby growing inside her womb?

When I look at this picture that prompted the phone conversation with Rose McKinney, this picture of happy times, of me and other Honorary members my heart hurts.

These pictures were on my business website in a page dedicated to Delta. I wanted to show my Delta pride and did every chance I got. Who would have thought this would cause me to no longer be a Delta. To think I'm not hanging out with my partner in love Sheryl Lee Ralph this weekend. She was inducted into Delta as an Honorary member after me, but we had worked together around HIV years prior. We hung tight at convention and it was a special bond of our work in HIV and Sisterhood.

When Rose Mckinney informed me that "Delta reserves the right to publish all pictures in ceremony robes" then asked if I could I take them down. I said, "Absolutely Soror." That in my opinion should have been the end of the conversation.

Rose had a couple of opportunities to say, Ok Soror, I understand that you are on the road, will you take them down as soon as possible and let me know that they are down. 

That was all it really took to bring closure to that conversation. But she kept hollering at me, "They need to come down now." After I hung up on her, she continued to call me back to back to back... then she text me.  Delta has sent a message loud and clear, that it is O.K. to be treated any kind of way by the national headquarters, by women who call you Sister.

 I find it distressing that I was left powerless by an event that did not originate from me. What message does it send to undergraduates pledging, that they cannot tell of infractions? Does my expulsion send a message that you must hurt or vent in private?  I'm really trying to understand Sisterhood. And while some would say that my problem in understanding is because I didn't pledge, I will say to you, I went through the same induction ritual and my heart felt the same joy as yours the day you were inducted. 

I look at this picture of these three very accomplished African-American women and I can't do nothing but hurt. On the far left is Bishop Vashti McKenzie the national chaplain of Delta Sigma Theta Sorority. Her grandmother was also a founding member of Delta. She carries a rich legacy of the organization.

 She is also the first female Bishop in the African Methodist Episcopal Church. As an Honorary member of Delta, I was in close quarters with Bishop McKenzine often at convention. She often showed concern about my health and extended herself to me as our chaplain and a woman of God. 

I look at her and I wonder why she never picked up the phone to offer me some pastoral care in the midst of my world collapsing. Was Delta more important to her than offering a woman you called Soror, Sister for 12 years, a fellow clergy and most importantly, a child of God in pain, some comfort? Not even a call to pray with me as I hurt.

My hurt was obvious. The pain was visible to anyone who saw it. 

Then I look to the far right. That's Rev. Dr. Gwendolyn Boyd. She became the national president of Delta Sigma Theta, the year that I was inducted into Delta.

When she was national president, her agenda for both terms was HIV/AIDS. This is probably the reason I was asked to be a member of Delta; so that the President's agenda could be furthered by use of me. As I explained in my book, The Politics of Respectability, it is a long standing practice of Delta Sigma Theta to bring in honorary members around their national agenda.

Inducting me was a big move. It gave the appearance that Delta was doing something about HIV/AIDS. Those four years of Rev. Boyd's term, Delta used me across this country. I spoke at International Day of Service year after year, chapter after chapter, sometimes two cities in one day, as well as, Founder's Day. I was a highly sought after speaker in Delta, doing what I do, raw, uncut, transparent, honest, candid and cursing like a sailor.

Bringing me into the Sisterhood was a win win for Rev. Gwendolyn Boyd, with her focus being HIV/AIDS, but now I think about her, I ask was it all for show? I mean, she has not reached out to me in anyway. I mean, did her concern for me as a black woman living with AIDS, her pride in my work cease when my membership in the organization ceased?

 I'm wondering is there any love afforded me now that I don't belong to your Sisterhood? Does, who I stand for or my contributions mean anything? I was called  Sister, Soror for 12 years, was it all a lie? Most importantly, I still have AIDS. I still do the work of HIV.  Does that mean anything? Is there any concern for the my work in HIV and my health in HIV?

Finally, the current seated national president in the far back, Cynthia Butler McIntrye. I'm still blown away by her approach to this matter. She is an expert in Human Resource, yet she dropped the ball on me.

The first conversation I had with Cynthia Butler McIntrye was the day, February 16, 2011, I made those tweets. We aired out the drama that passed between me and Rose McKinney, the director of the national office. Cynthia and I ended the conversation on what I thought was a conclusion to the matter.

In spite of the fact that I felt like I was being dealt with, I believed Cynthia to be fair. I was expecting the President of my sorority to call me back, maybe bring me and Rose together in someway to call and make-up, to equally apologize for her nasty ass attitude and approach to me and my nasty ass tweets, a respond to her nasty approach.

I must say this over and over again, the day that I talked to Cynthia, I wanted clarification, and the last thing I asked her in the conversation Feb 16, 2011 was, "Soror, am I being put out of Delta over this?"

Cynthia, replied, "No Soror, no one is putting you out of Delta over this. I'm going to ask that you don't talk about it publicly anymore. I just need time to smooth things over."  I kept my Word and that was the last conversation I had with her.

So this Human Resource expert, in 14 months didn't see fit to call me again to inform me that the matter was still being discussed. Is this how we treat women we call sister? Is this how we treat women we say we love. In 14 months, no one from the leadership thought to discuss this matter with me in anyway.

 Now a year and two months later, nothing has changed, no one in the leadership has called me. I still haven't received anything in writing. I'm so trying to understand Sisterhood. How can these same women stand for 12 years when I enter a room and then drop me like I'm a plague?

Maybe one could argue that they are mad that I went public. But I trusted my president and my sorority's leadership to do what was right by both me and Rose. I will say it again, I trusted Cythina, I removed the tweets, I accepted silence out of respect for her and I was a woman of my word.

This second time around, I could see no reason to be quiet. To save who's face? As it stood, my face was the one bloody and bowed. The damage was already done!

How, Delta has dealt with me leaves a painful bitter taste in my mouth. The fact that I have not heard from ANYONE in the leadership is painful and it makes me question Sisterhood at its core. In fairness, I have had countless Soror's reach out to me to offer words of encouragement and support. Maybe the leadership can learn something from the masses. And of course Sheryl Lee Ralph and I continue our friendship.

In retrospect, I can sit back a year later and be even clearer than I was on May 1, 2012, Delta invited me into their Sisterhood because of my service and commitment to HIV work that started long before that invitation.

In those 12 years of membership my methodology, nor did my personality, change. At the end of the day, Delta rescinding my membership was some small, petty shit. I don't know who lead the fight to get me out, but I hope they are happy.

 It's all good, at the end of the day, this kind of venom makes me question Sisterhood. A Sisterhood that can throw you away like trash over some tweets. A Sisterhood who does not give you voice, instead meet behind your back in the name of Sisterhood.  

I continue to go back to this quote in my book, from past national president Lillian P. Benbow-1971-1975

"When I look at you, I see myself. If my eyes are unable to see you my sister, it is because my own vision is blurred. And if that be so, then it is I who need you either because I do not understand who you are, my sister, or because I need you to help me understand who I am."

This quote rings true for accepting women for who they are, rather than who you want them to be. People, I believe are their best when they are able to shine in who God crafted them to be. I never want to be a better anybody, I just want to be my best me.

I address this issue in my book,  Just like David couldn't fight the giants in Sauls Armour, nor do I operate in the decorum of what others deemed "respectable." God gifted David with a sling shot and David was at his best when he operated in his gifts.

That's what I do everyday, I operate in my gifts crafted out of my journey. At the end of the day, that's all we should strive to be, one crafted out of our journey for the task, just for your design.  God told Jeremiah, "Before I made you in your mothers womb, I choose you. Before you were born I set you apart for a special work. "(Jeremiah 1:5)

 I may never be "respectable" by your standards, by Delta's standard and I'm good with that, because all I really need to please is God and me.

As I look back on that rainy day in May and the immediate weeks that followed, I thought my life had flatlined. This sisterhood had took the life out of me. Now, a year later, I can look back and say it didn't kill me. Duh!!!!

God's plan for my life didn't change because Delta changed their mind. So, I don't get invited to speak by any Delta chapters anymore, but God will make room for my gift. As has been obvious this year. I've even been told Delta's who are in authority at a couple of colleges I spoke at this year questioned the organizers about bringing me and were told by the organizers that my work transcended my issue with Delta. Thank God for that!

In this year, I was reminded yet again. What don't kill you, makes you just a little stronger? I was reminded yet again, that in every situation there is something to learn about yourself and others. I was reminded that the Lord instructed us to have no other Gods before us. I had placed Delta on a pedestal and it came tumbling down on my head and heart. Leaving the one and only God to put me back together again.

I have more perspective than I even had. This issue with Delta, made me soul search! I have become even more comfortable in my skin. My entrance into this world has defined me. I spent my first 6 months of life, sucking an umbilical cord laced in heroine. I was born a stray dog,  dressed myself up in designer clothes and  got 27 years of education, but at my very core, I'm still a stray dog. The goodness in this is that God can use a stray dog, even if Delta can't.

Post Script: My book The Politics of Respectability was written 22 days after Delta rescinded my membership. To have a better understanding of my full relationship with Delta, my work and my methodology you should read my book.

You can get an autographed copy of my book, The Politics of Respectability! Link Here! It is also on Amazon, paper back and Kindle HERE

Some Days I Want To Give The Fuck Up!

Some days I want to give the fuck up and that's some real talk right here. I've lived with HIV for 30 years and I've known my status for 27 of those years and this has been one fuckin hard ass journey and that's for real, for real. My pill load, the ups and down, the infections, the fatigue, the judgements, the doctors, the endless tests, the stigma, the side-effects from the medications, the trying to keep health insurance, trying to keep me alive, the growing old with a disease that's younger than me, all of this is enough to make you want to just stop!

On top of HIV/AIDS I've had to figure out my way in this world a lot sooner than I should have had too. As a child growing up, I had to try to out think Mama to protect myself from her, which no child on this planet should have to do.

Little Rae

At the same time, I learned all this self-destructive behavior that I thought was normal because the abnormal was normal.  Men who should have been protecting me, instead violated me and that was a way of life. I've literally been putting food on my table since October of my senior year of high school.

I was 15 minutes late for my curfew and Mama told be to go back where the fuck I had come from. For real! The next day I called home and she said, "Come get your shit bitch!" And that what that. She was mad that her husband was mad and he left. In my assessment, he was mad because I was old enough now to protect myself, since Mama had clearly failed to do so the 5 years that we had been a family unit.   

Then I  had to learn what normal was and apply it to a life that was abnormal. Don't you know it's easier to do what you know over what's right. My life has been a fuckin hard ass mess. But I never quit even when I wanted too. I got 27 years of education with honors, I've worked tirelessly my entire adult life to help the human race live and have a better life. I never quit in all the madness I've been faced with. 

Then I got Delta Sigma Theta Sorority, Inc. trying to tell me that I'm not good enough for them anymore after 12 years of service to them and a life time to the human race. Women are still gossiping about me, trying to explain to themselves and justify the rescinding of my honorary membership. Shit, they should give me a fuckin crown for the shit I have overcome and achieved in spite of. If I'm not an example of a strong black woman, whose fidelity is stronger than her pain, then I don't know who the fuck is. Oh, I forgot, I curse and I'm vulgar and that's an embarrassment  to Delta Sigma Theta. 

(If you want to get up to date on the Delta drama read my book, The Politics of Respectability, You can get it from Amazon  Click Here paper and kindle or you can order from my website for an autographed copy, Click Here)

So here I am at 51 years of age still trying to keep my head above water. As of late I've felt more overwhelmed and my crisis management skills have short circuited. I'm back on IV medication and this one is not a false alarm. For sure I'm having a herpes outbreak because the pain to my Clit is almost unbearable; yes I said Clit! When I feel that pain I wish to hell I had never opened my legs. But some shit can't be undone, you just have to face your culpability  in your pain and git and bare it. (You can search Herpes on my blog to get background on why I have to do IV medication.) The bottom line. I have drug resistant herpes that is complicated by AIDS and the only treatment that will make me better is IV medication. 

TUE Getting IV Medication

 I decided to do the IV medication at the clinic instead of at home because I didn't have it in me to deal with my mediport drama. And no they have not fixed the problem because two nurses tried to access it on Tuesday and couldn't.

So it seems that the only person that can access the port is the chief of (IV) Intervention Medicine at RUSH Presbyterian Hospital and he keeps telling me that there's nothing wrong with it. Sigh. Click Here for background on the Mediport

It's a once a week IV infusion, every Tuesday in the Chemo Clinic. I probably have at least two more rounds. This medicine is a bit more toxic than the one I have at home. I have to take medication to protect my kidneys while I'm on it. The side effects to both is a nightmare

So I started IV med on Tuesday. It's about an 8 hour day and a 5 hour infusion. I've spent the last 3 days sick as shit in bed and today is the first day of any work this week. Projects and commitments have gone the fuck out the window. I'm sad to say that Bracelet orders are packed and sitting at the door to be mailed and I'm depressed at shit. On top of that, business has been painfully slow and  I'm not sure how I'm keeping the lights on and the phone bill paid. It has been a day to day thing in the last few months and that's for real. 

And I tell you what, it feels like I've reach some kind of limit. I'm on over the fuck load. Most days I'm trying just as hard to figure out how to pay a bill equally as much, to not let depression take me the fuck out of here. I mean, I don't think it would be a cute look to let depression do what HIV/AIDS hasn't been able to do in 30 years. I'm just sayin...

So yes in all honesty, some days more of late, I feel like I want to give the fuck up. Then I start thinking about Sophie and she needs a Mommie. Then I start to think about the people who love me and the pain I would cause them. Then I think about God's plan for my life. The Bible says, "I formed you in your Mothers Womb." Really God? So you knew all along?

Sophie has been sticking to me like glue these last few days!

 Like when I think about it, I spent 6 months in my mothers womb sucking an umbilical cord laced in heroine and God keep me alive for this hard ass journey. Like are you kidding me God?

But at the end of each day, I get it! That God's master plan for this universe is for the goodness of God's people.  That means that God can take my nasty ass life and use it... Use it for someone other than me... Use it for the goodness of others. Use is for those who feel like they can go on because I do. 

 In my heart I have to believe that God's plan for my life is bigger than any one thing that I'm facing. So I don't quit even when I feel like I can't go on, I just do. I do because a selfless life is a life well lived. If God loved me enough to keep me here, then I have to love me enough to keep me here. So I muddle through these painful, difficult days, one day at a time. Now what's so amazing  to me is that God continues to show me the wonder of His/Her miracles. When the phone bill has been extended and the cut off date is fast approaching, even as close as a day before, from somewhere I get a small miracle. 

So I keep going because God's plan is bigger than my pain. I keep going because even small miracles come from God. We keep waiting on the pie in the sky, when God sometimes only gives fresh mana for the day.

In the end, all we can do is to keep moving. There is life in movement. For me, it's walking Sophie when I don't want to bath. It's reading a book, exercising my mind even if I don't want to move my body.

Sometimes it's moving from the bedroom to the living room with the big picture window so I can be reminded of God's wonder, the trees, the birds, the flowers, the sounds, the people, even living in a modest building amongst 4 million dollar houses make me smile. All these things remind me that I am alive. There is hope in being alive because I understand that life means that I'm still a part of God's earthly plan.  So I don't give the fuck up, I just keep going with the understanding that God's plan is bigger than my pain.

Facing Truths! Reflecting on Delta Sigma Theta at 100 and Me!

I'm not sure why people are so bothered by the truth, other people's truths that is. What's so wrong about the truth? Martin Luther King said, "The day we see truth and cease to speak is the day we begin to die." While he was for sure speaking about racial injustice, I believe that this quote applies to every untruth that we face.

I spent half of my life bound up in secrets! Secrets of sexual, physical and emotional abuse. Secrets of having contracted HIV at age 20 and oh so many secrets of self-abuse. The African Proverb, "He who conceals his disease cannot expect to be cured," is so true. I'm telling you, the secrets that I was living with had started to kill off a vital part of me, my spirit, and when the spirit dies, the body is sure to follow. For without one's spirit, there is nothing to live for.

Yet, it is undeniably true that the truth is hard for people. Maybe they don't want to hear your truth because then they are forced to deal with their own truths. Or at least to think about them. Maybe they don't want to hear the truth, because the lie unspoken is easier than the truth spoken softly. In the past, this was true for me as well. But one day, it was as if God sat in my living room for a daughter to Father chat and said to me, "Enough is Enough!"

My truths have become a gift from God that I embrace fully and unapologetically. But I have to be honest, sometimes I wonder if my truths will make me have one less friend, less Twitter followers, less people who purchase my bracelet designs RLT Collection, and the list goes on and on. This has been especially true as a business woman. As of lately, my bracelet collection helps keep food on my table. So sometimes my human self begins to wonder if the truth is too much, but then God sagely speaks to my spirit and reminds me that I am to walk boldly in my gifts and He will make a way out of what my appears to be no way.

With this said, I debated long and hard about this blog post and I had even decided last night that I wouldn't do it, but it crept back into my spirit long before I opened my eyes this morning. If things were different between me and Delta I would be reflecting, so why stop my truths today because it will make people uncomfortable?  So I'm pressin forward in my truths.

 Yesterday Delta Sigma Theta Sorority, Inc. celebrated 100 years as an organization. As one of the largest  and oldest African-American sororities, it is truly a milestone. Yet for me, it was bittersweet. While I tried to be happy for Delta, I really did, I couldn't fake the funk.

Yep, yesterday was hard for me to say the least. Hard because I never thought that I wouldn't be in Washington, D. C. this pass weekend with the thousands of Delta women there to celebrate years of sisterhood and service. On one level, it was like being a child looking into a old fashion candy store and knowing in your heart that your parents don't have the money to buy even a nickel's worth of candy.

The day I was inducted into Delta!

The mixed emotions that wells up deep inside of you, of wanting something so bad, but knowing that you can't have it. Yep, it was a sad day, but I had to face the truth that I am no longer a member of Delta Sigma Theta Sorority. After 12 years of being called Soror by thousands of women, that ceased to be no more as of May 1, 2012.

I'm not going into the details again. Ima save you and me from that drama. Either purchase my book, The Politics of Respectability and read the entire epic of how my life clashed with Black Women and Respectability from my mother to Delta Click Here, or watch the now infamous video where I discuss the drama  of the particular events that landed me out of Delta, Click Here

Yet on another level, I couldn't help but to think about another truth; the truth of contradictions I felt about the Sisterhood over these last 10 months. While I think that no one can EVER take away the 100 years of service to the black community that Delta has done, it is true that for me at lest, the Sisterhood took a back sit to the sister. Which at its core is suppose to be the Essence of Delta.

Cythina McIntyre Butler at the podium. Bishop Vashti McKenzie seated on the far right

I looked at this picture someone tweeted of the current National President, Cynthia McIntyre Butler looking proud and distinguish and wondered if in these months had she thought at all about our phone conversations. The one on February 16, 2011 about the day's events, i. e.  my conversation with Rose McKinney, the executive director of the national headquarters of Delta and my subsequent tweets,  as a result of the conversation with Rose.

I will never forget it as long as I live. Cythina, ended  the phone conversation, with a simple answer to my simple question, "Soror, I asked, Am I being put out of Delta over this?" I felt like a child being chastised by Motherhen in that conversation and I needed clarity. I heard a soft chuckle come through the phone. Always the Southern Bell and Human Resource Guru, "No Soror, no one is putting you out of Delta." She continued, "I just ask that you don't discuss the incident publicly or tweet about it. I just need time to smooth things over." I said yes and I was a woman of my word.

Yesterday, I wondered how Cythina felt 14 months later, after having absolutely no contact with me in the months after that first phone call on February 16. How she felt making that call to tell me that the Executive Committee had voted to rescind my honorary membership. I know how I felt, betrayed.

I wondered as I saw all the wonderful pictures on Instagram, who from the Executive Committee called me Soror for 12 years and then voted me out of the Sisterhood over my tweets without any conversation with me about the incident. Both of these thoughts sent me into a crisis and made me explain to myself, my love for this Sisterhood both on May 1st and on yesterday.

I wondered in the pictures of sea of red, if any of my sisters who use to call me Soror and stopped on May 1st were there?

If any were there that use to follow me on Twitter but stopped on May 1st.

 I wondered who from Twitter that continues to follow me, because to unfollow me would be in bad taste, but they still don't speak to me any more because they don't want to be looked at with a side eye from other Soror's, yep I wondered if any of them were in this sea of red.

I wondered if the Soror who I thought was my personal friend, who not only unfollowed me on Twitter, then blocked me so that I wouldn't see her talk about me because I quote, "I made Delta look bad in that video, " was there being the good Delta that she is and all.

I  wonder if any of the Sorors who use to check in with me from time to time to see how I was doing, but has since stopped. Not because they don't care about me, but it's such an uncomfortable mess that no one wants to honestly address; so it's easy to do nothing at all. Yep, I wondered if any of them were there.

Then I thought about all the Sorors who still tweet me, but didn't tweet me on yesterday. Because yesterday was Delta's Day and to show the sister thrown out of the Sisterhood some love on yesterday would caste a dark light on the Sisterhood. I asked myself, "How could I love something so much that hurt me so bad?"

Founders!

On yesterday, I wondered what the founders of Delta Sigma Theta would have thought about me.

If they would have thought that I was an outspoken asses with zeal and determination or a liability with a big vulgar mouth.

I wondered because as the history of Delta is told, the 22 women on the campus of Howard University were originally members of Alpha Kappa Alpha  Sorority the first African American sorority in the United Sates.

Delta's history has it that these 22 women left Alpha Kappa Alpa because they felt that the problems of black people and women were much larger and deeper than just being a social club having teas. They wanted to bring about change for such a time as it was, 1913, the heart of disenfranchisement of both blacks and women.

Delta's history proudly boast that the first display of boldness of these women were  to march against the oppression of men with white woman in the Women's Suffrage march. That's a who lot of boldness. So I wonder what they would think of me and my way of doing things in the 21st century, where black woman are 72% of all new cases of HIV in the US among women and self- love takes a back sit to having love.

Me proudly taking a pic with Sorors the day I was inducted!

I thought about the collegiate chapter who reached out to me just this December to come speak at their college. In the email the President of this particular chapter expressed how much they admired me and would be honored if I would speak on their campus.

But they hadn't heard the news that my membership was rescinded. So in this very uncomfortable conversation, I had to rehash the day of May 1st. She told me she would get back with me one way or the other, but she never did.

I wondered about the leadership and what they think of me, truly think of me? I have had NO contact from Delta Sigma Theta's leadership since that call from Cythina on May 1, 2012. Not even an official letter announcing that I was voted out. I wondered if the National chaplain Bishop Vashti McKenzie, who's grandmother was a founding Member of Delta has prayed for my healing from this fallout. Someone asked me on Twitter a while back, had she reached out to me at all? No was all I could say and I let that ride.

Me and Sheryl Lee Ralph

I've only had contact from one other honorary member, Sheryl Lee Ralph, who was my friend before Delta and has remain my friend since May 1st. She is her own woman and I thank God for her wisdom and friendship in my life.

Yesterday was hard very hard, but there was a few flickers of light. I had one Soror to send me  a private message on Twitter and two on Facebook to tell me that no matter what has transpired within the organization they still honor me and my work.

And the brightest lights shinning was my Soror at church, she knows who she is, who showered me with love and kindness and of course the Soror that I met on Twitter who's love and show of Sisterhood has been unwavering from day one. Before the evening was over she tweeted to me, "I will ALWAYS love you Soror! I thought of you on THIS day. U have NOT been forgotten. Never forget that our bond is a LifeTime."

Yes, yesterday was hard for me. And don't be confuse; I accept the fact that I was voted out of Delta and accept the fact that MY tweets, MY Doing, MY Truth, And My Methodology didn't meet the standard of a Delta woman after 12 years.

I guess it's true that their are consequences for everything you do in life. So just like I'm a woman and stand by the fuck that landed me with HIV, I stand by the Tweets that landed me out of Delta.

However, just because you accept your culpability in the events of your life, doesn't take away the hurt that you feel as a result of them.

 Also be clear, I am, who I am, shaped by my journey which began when two heroin addicts hooked up to conceive me.  If I had to do either of them again, based on who I am, and what I know about me today, I'm sure if I had to do it over again, I would do the same thing in the same matter because I only know how to live in my truths.

I reckon some members of the Executive Committee feel justified in their self-righteousness. I reckon some members of Delta can sigh with relief that they don't have to call my vulgar self, sister anymore. I mean Cynthia did say, that some past national presidents, "Were livid, the vulgarity of it all."

While I guess there are others who just don't know what to do with me. I'm the pink elephant in room of red.

For sure, I have been thrown away as if I didn't ever exist, dead. So while I want to celebrate my joy for Delta's years of service, I am sucked in by the pain of what I once knew as Sisterhood..

I wonder what Past National President Lillian P. Benbow (1971-1975) would have said about my tweets? I wonder if she would have insists that the Executive Committee try to understand me or at least to give me voice in matters that affected me. I wonder if this quote hand true meaning for her? I wonder what prompted her to say it in the first beginning? I look at the truths in this quote and I see my life all day long... It speaks truth to power and it is the essences of Sisterhood;

When I look at you, I see myself. If my eyes are unable to see you as my sister, it is because my own vision is blurred. And if  that be is, then it is I who need you because I do not under-stand who you are, my sister, or because I need you to help me understand who I am...

Naked Before God...

Last night I had a complete and total meltdown. One that forced me to become naked before God.

It is no secret that this week I have been sad beyond all of my understanding and all the positive thinking quotes and scriptures I could muster up. No matter how hard I tried to call on Super Woman, she just wasn't rising to the occasion.

It is no secret that these last few months have been harder than usual. Shoot, if I'm real honest about it, this year has been a blessing and a curse all wrapped into one. I defied the odds and lived to see 50 years of age! I should have died in my 30's; and be clear, at one point I was sick enough to die. But with God as overseer, a great doctor, a will to live and doing everything medically possible I made it.

Then in the midst of the countdown celebration I got sick and ended up on IV medication. Then to add to my injury, my honorary membership in Delta Sigma Theta Sorority, Inc. was rescinded over tweets I made 14 months prior. And it was done in the coldest and cruelest way, with no warning, preparation or defense. That made me physically sicker and I ended up on IV medication for 34 days instead of 20. But I seemed to keep it moving.

While I hurt, Super Woman came through for me. I wrote a book, The Politics of Respectability in 22 days and I was still able to get my Summer 2012 RLT Collection completed and on the website in a timely fashion.

Yep! Super Woman was in rare form and I didn't miss one beat. Then the fall came and my world started to fall apart. I learned that one of the closest persons in my life was an altered reality; everything I knew about them was a lie. I had been living in their lie for almost two years. That betrayal made me sick and I ended up on IV.

It was beyond anything I could have ever imaged and some Lifetime Movie shit. And honestly, I'm still not over this betrayal. Everyday I discover something new that makes me ask myself, how did I miss it? And makes it even clearer how disturbing it all is.

My world started to crumble. I went from herpes and IV medication for 19 days, to serious nerve pain in my back, face, and legs that shut me down, then a serious cold that shut me down.

 In the meantime work was lagging. I'm still trying to get the new designs for RLT Collection completed and that's been a lot of pressure because with no new bracelets on the website, there is no money coming in. Shoot it's bad, I got a sell last night and I wanted to hug and kiss that customer, #ForReal

 Email's and Facebook messages are piling up and I seem to be falling down like dominos, one at a time.

Then to add to my injury, I developed another herpes infection. That's some shit! I've only been off IV a little over a month. The doctor was even stuck. She couldn't even believe it, so I had to go and get a couple of cultures to just make sure. But one look made it clear. Yep, I have herpes.

And the herpes I get is on steroids or something. I typically get one lesion on my clit area that grows into some super sore.

But occasionally I get more lesions on my vulva and it's like someone just took pilers and pulled layers of skin. Yep, each day since Monday I have gotten a new infected area.

What a Mediport looks like...

I will start IV medication on Thursday. I'm waiting on my appointment to get a mediport placed. I've had so many picc lines and there's so much scaring on my left side veins, that I need to receive the IV medication in a different route.

The decision to get a mediport was the best decision, but it felt like I had been crushed. A permanent line in my body makes this aggressive herpes so permanent. In the last 5 years I kept hoping that we would be able to get a handle on it and I wouldn't need to keep going on IV medication, but that is not the case. That was a devastating realization!

So as my infection grows, I wait to be treated. You get the point! I got so much shit pilled on top of shit, I feel like I'm about to lose it.

So last night it all came to a head. I was really hurting both physically and emotionally.

 I called one friend and they didn't pick up. I know I could have called my BFF Luke, but he's been holding me up all week and I wanted to give him a break. I can't tell you the aloneness I feel sometimes with no family at all.

As I sat in bed listening to Walter Hawkins Pandora, (my fav) Byron Cage song, "Broken, But I'm Healed," came on. Tears started to flow.

I started listening to this one song over and over and over in my iTunes and the more I listened the more the tears flowed.

Super Woman was nowhere to be found. It was just me, Rae Clara and God until 3:00 A. M. this morning.




Broken, I became naked before God... Then this morning it hit me! God wants us to want Him. Matter of Fact, God wants us to understand that there is nothing we  can do without Him. The sovereignty of God is Gods gift to us. However, when you are so use to being in "control" you develop this false belief of  who really is in control. We begin to think that our free will is God, when in fact, even our free will is a gift from God. I was reminded that I am nothing, nor can I do a thing without God. My resilience is even a gift from God. I was so busy trying to conjure up Super Woman, when I should have been calling on God.

It's amazing how we begin to think more of ourselves then we really are, when in reality, we are because God is!! All of our greatness is because of God's plan for our life.

The more God blesses us, the more we seem to forget the sovereignty of God and that arrogance becomes our God.

The first step in Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon is to admit that we are powerless over alcohol/drugs and our lives have become unmanageable. Mainly because the addict thinks that they can out think the drugs and those affected by the addict think that can out think the addict. When in fact, the drugs becomes the addicts God and the addict becomes the God of those impacted. Whoever, whatever you think  and talk most about is your God.

The second step is to believe that a Power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity. It says, I am not God, but there is a God who can. Both of these steps are critical to a better life and can be applied to every aspect of life issues, not just drugs and alcohol.

Often times we try to assume the roll of God in our lives, when God just wants us to depend on Him. So I'm surrendering! I can't do this on my own. The more I try to be all that, the more insane I become.

What I know for sure is, I can do nothing outside of God's Grace. But I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Even my ability to think is a gift from God. Sometimes we become to smart and to great for our own earthly good.

In my brokenness, I became naked before God. When we strip before God, there is healing for the mind, body and spirit. I'm Broken, But I'm Healed!!!