Valentine Day: Self Love Radiates Out

It Valentine's Day and most people are thinking about what they are going to do, what they are going to get and give, how good the sex will be, or why am I alone on Valentine's Day?

We are all thinking red and I don't mean for AIDS Awareness, but for the symbol of our heart, including me.

It's been years since I've had an actual "date" on Valentine's Day. It's also been a while  since I've laid in a man's arms.

Not because I can't, but because I decided well over 15 years ago that a man who does not appreciate my worth is not worth my vagina.

I'm actually  O. K. with being alone on Valentine's Day. More so than being alone on nights after a long day when I've poured out my at a speaking engagement. After I have given my everything it would be nice to fall into someone's arms and let them take care of me- help to replenish what I've given out.

Now don't get me wrong, it would also be nice to have  a date- a great dinner- great conversation- laughter and a flirt or two across the table. Everyone wants to feel special, appreciated. But then again, we should feel those things for ourselves.  We should have a  baseline of self-love and respect. I know you here Oprah talk about it often but it's true, The Universe gives you back the energy that you give out.

For sure every person wants to feel special, but it shouldn't just be on one day- it should be 365 days a year.  If dinner- a date helps to fuel you, why not arrange date nights more often? Why wait? And why wait on another person. Treat your own self. That's what I do. I treat myself to fine chocolates, I get fresh flowers every week and sometimes I take myself out to dinner. Why expect others to do for you, what you are not willing to do for yourself. Expectation and Deliverance thereof should start with you and flow out to the Universe

 I've got to be honest, its been years since I viewed Valentine's Day from the lenses of the commercial world. I remember the days when I would run out and buy a man a gift no matter how young the relationship, even if things were bad between us. I did it because, well I don't rightly know. LOL Sometimes I would spend my last dime on a gift, and y'all know I got expensive taste. Crazy shit. Thank God I'm not that girl anymore.

Let me tell you in my *auntie voice* No gift at any cost is going to make a man love you. No  amount of sex tonight is going to make a man love you. You can suck his dick until your mouth shrivels and he still may never love you. Shoot a man don't even have to like you, to let you suck his dick.  If you accept him between your legs without standards throughout the year, why should you expect him to do anything different about you on that one day out of the year.

 We should set the standard for how a man treats us and it will easily flow to Valentines Day. Now don't get me wrong. If you just want to get your groove thang on--do it-use a condom- but don't have expectations for something that clearly is not. You can only have peace in your soul when you accept it for what it is. Acceptance is hard, I know, I know, I know. But when you accept it- you  operate in truth.  If you want more for your life then you must give yourself more.

You will never achieve the love you want it, if you continue to clutter your life, your spirit with dead weight.  It all begins with you. Self love starts from within and radiates outward.

Monday Reflection: Let Go Of The Rice...

Have you ever had a stupid ass conversation in your head that led you to do something stupid that then lead you to justify your stupid shit? I know I have, a thousand times over. 

Like being mad at a man because of whatever it was that he did you didn't like or maybe what he didn't do that you thought he should have done. You play it over and over in your head and by the time you approach him, you have written a play with 3 Acts and before you know it's something you never intended for it to be and now you gotta hold your guns whereby creating more of a mess and still have to justify that shit.

 I've come to learn in my old age, that sometimes when people don't measure up to what we want at that very moment, it may not even be about us, but about them. Sometimes we need to get out of our head and just be still. Let it all play out in real time, not imagined time. The ego can do a job on you, for real, for real. 

Like, have you ever purchased something that you really didn't have the money to do but you justified why you should buy it? I know I have twenty thousand times over. 

You tell yourself, it's on sale or, it might not be here when my next paycheck comes around, or I need to look fabulous for that event. And let me add, the last of these might be the only truth, you do want to look fabulous for the event and the people there of, and none of it has to do with you. But your ego has convinced you that this outfit will make you the belle of the ball. And then at the end the ball, as you remove all the glam, you realize that the same people who liked you before the ball still do and those that didn't well, still don't. 

But now the damage has been done in the short time of what 2-3 hours because of what you thought would happen, but didn't. 

At the end of the day you see how insignificant your new outfit was in the scheme of things. But you allowed your ego to talk you into spending what you really didn't have to spend and now you're stretching your dollars just to get to your next paycheck. Which means you're stressed more than ever and now you talking about, "Lord when will things change for me?" But the real question is when will you change for yourself? 

When things get hard we give God credit for stuff that ain't got nothing to do with Him. Free-will is a monster of a beast to manage. I know in my own life, I've allowed others to abuse me and I've abused myself in so many different ways willing my free-will like at a roulette table, taking a chance with each spin. And with each defeat, I lost a part of myself that could never be regained. Sometimes you even spin the wheel and your life is changed forever. 

Have you ever been mad at someone for something that they did to you in real time? But then long after it's been said or done you are still holding on to the mad? And then the mad takes on a life of its on. Oprah said that once she was so mad at a person, for well over 10 years, and then she saw that person walking down Michigan Ave laughing and going on with her life, while Oprah was holding onto the mad. We allow our ego to hold us hostage for something that cannot be undone. All you can really do is move on because holding on will imprison your spirit. 

Our ego spends a lot of time convincing us of this and that in some narrow context that we make ourselves believe. When in real time ,we need to step back and watch the ego jump the hurdles in our head and after it has finished, say "oh ok" and keep it moving. You are not your ego and you don't have to do everything it suggest to you. But you do have to become centered so that you can operate in the best of you. 

You can't allow your ego on one end and your low self worth on the other, which is still ego in reality, run your life. You have got to be willing to walk away from some stuff and let that be ok. You don't like how a man treats you, then stop participating. There are so many men in this world  that you don't have to stay stuck with the one that does not value your worth. 

You don't like being broke every pay period, then stop spending what you don't have. Figure out a way to make what you have work. Look, in these recent years I've changed up my outfits over and over with just a new blouse, or shoes or handbag rather than a new suit, blouse, shoes and handbag.

You don't like the hold others actions have on you, let it go. I recently had some craziness with my biological family, meaning the white side of my family, who I don't have a relationship with. I'm not going into details here, I'm saving it for the memoir. I was so fucking hurt by there actions. But I had to decide, I could let them make me bitter or I can keep going. The first thing I thought to myself, "I've worked so fucking hard to get through this depression, I will not let them send me back." I said it everyday out loud for two weeks and I said it to my closet friends, so that they could give me positive support. Sometimes friends can help to keep you in the chaos just by the direction of the conversation.  To not have a set-back, I knew that I had move to closure. So I signed their fucking document and kept it moving. Then I thought about it, they have done absolutely nothing for me in 52 years, why would I expect something now? People are who they are and you better believe that shit or you will allow them to hurt you over and again.

Sometimes the victory is just letting go of people, places and things. I've learned in these last years with my financial struggle that I didn't need all the things that I thought I needed. Life has a way of making you take notice. After I had sold almost all my designer handbags and most of my St. John Knits, I learned that I still had enough to look great every single day. I always make it work. 

I heard a story about how they capture monkeys that gave me an 'aha moment'. They put rice into a trap and when the monkey smells the rice he reaches in and grabs the rice. The rice becomes the prison of his own making. But the monkey has a choice, he can let go of the rice and be free or hold on and be imprisoned. Over the years I've held onto a lot of people and things and they have been the prison of my own making. I stayed way too long in unhealthy relationships. I've bought more things that I ever should have and the biggest prison of all has been my family. I became an overachiever for my Mama who raised me, rather than myself. I thought that she would shower me with love as I excelled, but she never did, not even as she was dying. She died how she lived, most people do. 

All these prisons that I made for myself year after year. Allowing my ego to convince me that my thoughts were my reality, when in fact my reality was my right now. If a man treated me bad, it didn't matter how well I sucked his dick, once I was done, he was the man he was before I began. It didn't matter how many clothes I had from the best designers, those who would love me, would love me in Walmart clothes and most of all, dressing myself  up on the outside did not change what I was on the inside. That took work, of which no amount of money could buy. 

Only when I let go of the rice, did I start to live my best life. These day's I practice watching my ego jump hurdles in my head and then say, "Oh Ok"  Sometimes, I win and sometimes I lose, but the more I practice, the better the person I am. 

Living in My Right Now: A LIfe Update!

Speaking at FAMU

Where the heck have I been? I'm glad you asked! I've been using all of my energy to take care of me. Self-care should always be at the top of one's list. Between these menopause issues, hot flashes, sleep deprivation and now HIV Neuropathy and adjusting to medication it's taken all of my energy.

I haven't been blogging but I've done some work. I  spoke at FAMU two weeks ago. I love those student leaders. They always find a way to keep HIV/AIDS in front of their classmates. It was a great program and great dialogue. Yet traveling under these health conditions always add extra stress and require more time to bounce back. I came home and shut it down for a few days. Then last week I spoke at a south suburban high school in Chicago, TF North and keynoted the Upward Bound Leadership Conference at Chicago State University.

Human AIDS Ribbon /TFNorth

Mostly, I've been dealing with me. You know this menopause stuff seems to have no end. I have had 3 different dose adjustments of the Hormone Replacement Therapy.

Then  I started having nerve pain in my face, hands and feet. So what does that feel like? I'm glad you asked, at one end of the spectrum a burning sensation and at the other end, like someone is sticking pins in my feet, hands and face all the time.  I haven't had Neuropathy this bad in a few years.

I always had Neuropathy, but over the years the intensity of the pain became mild and I learned to manage. I told a student once in a speaking engagement that their is never a time when I don't feel something in my feet, whether its the numbness, burning or tingling, but three weeks ago the pain became obtrusive and I found myself saying, "I'm hurting" which is rare for me to complain about pain.

I typically take my pain in stride. However, I knew this time that I needed to get back on medication to get some control.  All the medications to treat Neuropathy are very difficult to take. They are mostly anticonvulsants medications and first generation antidepressants, which have some mean side effects. One just feels lifeless, that the best explanation I can come up with. 

After spending last Wednesday in bed basically I decided that I was over it. I think  that I would prefer to hurt then to be non-functional. Luke said to me, "I'm sorry that you have to choose. "But I felt like I had to. My tolerance for pain is high but not being able to function because of mediation is worst. In the couple of weeks that I was on the medication, there was some improvement, but shoot I had gotten to a place where I couldn't get out of bed because of the side effects.  I'm going to see my doctor this week to see if we can fine some place in between.

I am seriously thinking about alternative non traditional neuropathy avenues that I can take to get some of this health stuff under control. The thing about me is that I never give up or in to the madness.

What I no longer do,  is try to keep up to meet people's approval. If I can't get it done, or do something then I accept it and more on.

 I'm devoting my energy to self-care and that's my bottom line. For sure, at soon to be 52 years of age, I want to live my best life and be my best me so that I can be my best for Gods earthly plan for my life.  

 I've been trying to maintain the self-care component in my life like working out: Doctors orders! Then on last Monday I started Yoga! I love, love love love it. Not only does it work on your core but it's a calming centering excise that takes you away from the madness of the day.

I've been making some major changes in my life. Well, Mr. Handsome decided that he didn't want to work toward a relationship. He actually like being single and didn't want to put in the work and on that note, I heard him loud and clear. I have no desire to be with a man and be half in/half out; those days are long gone!!

Yep, some major changes. I resigned from the leadership positions at my church. I was not capable at this junction to meet the expectations and I'm grown enough to be able to walk away from what's not working in my life. I'm also coming to terms that my ministry, call and gifts are public. And while organized religion has a place in my life, it is not my call.

As I was facing this dilemma I pulled out my old application for seminary to revisit my understanding of ministry as I saw it for me. It reminded me that I was always clear that my ministry was one of public. But once I was ordained, I lost my path trying to meet people's expectation of an ordained minister.

I'm feeling really proud of my own growth. The fact that I was able to walk away without thinking about the judgements of what people think I should be doing as a minister was major for me. As long as God and  I know what I'm suppose to be doing, I'm straight.

Honestly, while I've had to work through organize religion and it's role in my life. I have also been on this Spiritual journey. I've been reading these recommend books by Oprah on spiritually and personal growth. I will admit, a person has to be ready to receive these concepts. I think these books are powerful, but if you are not ready, you will miss the lessons that lays within.
Also new for me, I've been mediating with Oprah and Deepak. I know shut up! But for sure it has  keep me centered and grounded in ways I had no idea. 

If you are not content with where you are in life, then do something about it. If you want to grow, then do something about it. If you want to be your best you, then do it.

It's been an amazing journey for me, meditating, yoga but most importantly, becoming still. I'm always so busy and my mind is always on over load. I'm learning to tune out the noise in my head, the noise of others and of what you think is in other peoples head. Don't you know, we can have an entire conversation in our head based of assumptions.

It's been amazing in these last two months as I've watched the conversations in my head and not participated. I just simply let them pass through me and keep it all flowing. I'm leaning that from some of these Spiritual books I'm reading. I haven't mastered this passing through, but I'm working on it for sure. Half of life's drama stem from the conversations in our head.  We have convinced ourselves of some shit and then we act on it. I know this has been true for me.

My journey with HIV/AIDS has been a world wind to say the least. Shoot my life has been a world wind. The gratitude in my heart for the life that God has blessed me with is beyond measure: The growth that I have experience; The demons that I have buried; Learning to forgive and then forgiving, others and myself; The learning to like me, then love me and then act on that love has all been life changing.

Even with all the health challenges I'm currently facing, I'm learning to live in my right now and make the best decisions to be my best me.

At the end of the day, God has granted me the gift  of life, I want to live at my full potential. Don't you? Well then, Let's Go! 

Monday Reflection: The Hardest Path- The Clearest Way..

I was reading in The Book of Awakening, that salmon make their way up stream by bumping repeatedly into blocked pathways until they find where the current is strongest. The rush of water for them means that there is no obstacle. For them, through the hardest going, the way is clear.

It made me think about us humans and all the things that we avoid because avoidance requires less work. For me, though, even when I have no gigs and I'm not sure how I'm going to manage the month's bills, I know that this is the path I am suppose to take.

My blog makes me no money, but yet, last month, I had 54,000 views. Doing the work that I do is the clearest way, but it's the hardest way and that's how it has gone for the last 21 years as an AIDS Activist. I was telling my BFF Luke the other day, the month that I was on the cover of Essence Magazine, the AIDS Housing assistance program paid my rent. I was just that broke, but yet that cover was the most talked about in Black America.

Also, for years after, in the area of love relationships, I wouldn't rock the boat because I didn't want to be alone. For sure that was connected to a deeper issue of self worth. Even claiming my worth was a hard road of therapy, self-reflection and eventually application. 

Knowing better and doing better are two different things and it has been one of the hardest part of my growth. Walking away from men or saying no to men that do not appreciate my value, over and above being alone is still hard. For me, it's the clearest path. Yet, on the other side of the coin, there are some who would prefer loneliness over the risk-taking that it requires in building something solid.  

I believe that all good things require work. Oprah says that luck is when opportunity meets preparation. There is no such thing in life as a free ride, not in career paths or love relationships. You must ask yourself if you want to spend the rest of your life downstream, being content with being content.

I know that my BFF is going through this now. Luke is an incredible, gifted producer. Almost a year ago, he left a well paying salary job to freelance. Freelancing has been the hardest path but it has been the clearest way. 

He has worked on some awesome projects in less than a year, the most successful season of Real Housewives of Atlanta, the BET Nelson Mandela coverage, he interviewed Spike Lee for BET's Oscar special and he was a part of the team that interviewed Lupita Nyongo for that same special. 

He has opened his own production company and is working on an awesome project for me, details later. He has been talking about doing this with me for years and I must remind him, if he was a staff producer at a network, he would not have had the time to work on this project. Producing is his passion, his gift and while its the hardest path, it's the clearest way. We always expect the pie to fall out of the sky, when it reality all things in life require work.

Doubt comes when you are in between your next gig. Doubt comes when you can't see clearly how it will all work out. Doubt comes when the checking account is low and you are deemed broke. Doubt comes when their are no new gigs. Doubt comes when you have your first bump in the road.  Doubt comes when you are missing him.  

 I dare venture to say, when seeking the hardest path, you may be broke financially speaking, yet rich in purpose. While you may be lonely, you love you for demanding respect of you. I believe its better to live with purpose and self worth than to have all the riches of the world.

Yet at the end of the day, I think that we should all be more like salmon and face life head on, and move our whole being through the hardest path to  the clearest way. 

• Take a moment and center yourself 
• Ask yourself what are you avoiding in your life?
•  Identify the resistance what part is coming from you and what part from others?
• Look for your truth and let that guide you through the hardest path to the clearest way.

Nawwww I'm Not Tired of Men... Are You?

Lynette's Comment

I'm always amazed at how women respond to my blog post both good and bad. I use to internalize this stuff until I realized that the response really isn't so much about me, but about them. I find this to be true no matter the comment, good or bad.

Sometimes though, people think they are being super smart and the motives are really not nice. So I started treating comments on my blog, like I do at my speaking engagements when somebody comes for me.

First, I step back and ask ,why are they coming for me? Typically I'm able to hit it on the nail, and then I try to use it as a teaching moment. So last week when I was knee deep in my hot flash drama, Lynette who I don't know, made this comment on my blog post, Live by the Golden Rule! Treat People the Way You Want to be Treated! You can read it here. This is her comment, "Your entire life and the problems within are the direct result of dealing with men. Aren't you tired boo?"

My first impulse was, woman why are you coming for me? But after that hot flash passed, I said, You know Lynette is so correct. My life has been impacted by men both good and bad. For sure men have caused me pain. I was molested as a young girl by the men (yes plural) who were suppose to protect me. That then lead me on a path of early sexual activity in my preteens, which lead me on a path of in and out of relationships and POW HIV by age 20. These things are undisputed facts about my life and it is no secret. I have blogged about my it, talked about it in news interviews and spoken about it.

With this truth in tote, I wondered what was Lynette's real point and what she wanted me to do.
 1) Was she just really coming for me or was it my imagination  2) Does she want me to become a lesbian 3) Does she want me just give up dating altogether or 4) Does she want me to try and get it right. Which of course is what I'm trying to do, that was the point of the blog post.

Furthermore, anyone that have been a avid reader of my blogs or have read my book, knows that I've done worked on myself to the 10th power. So then that lead me to be even more confused about Lynette's comment. Cause yeah Boo I'm tired and yes Boo I've done something about it! Took me years to get here but I done arrived

Now I'm never going to give up men cause frankly, I think life should be spent in companionship. And good lawd, there's nothing like being in a mans arms. But just because I'm trying to get it right, don't mean it's gonna be right. It does mean however, that I love me enough to say to a man you cannot treat me in this manner. It also means that if we can't see eye to eye, then I love me enough to keep it moving, no matter how much I want him in my life.

The fact of the matter, men will treat you based on what they think is right  and how they have treated women in the past. Another woman may accept what you want.

Their right may not be right for you and you gotta have enough balls to say this don't feel good. And hope he wants to be with you enough to admit the wrong and make it better.

Oprah said in her, What I know for Sure. April Issue, that she had a disagreement with Stedman that really hurt her years ago. His response was "I'm sorry. This isn't the man I want to be. I can do better." That was so profound. Oprah said, "Whoa, that registered big-time on my respect meter" POW!

Why can't men say that I hurt you. I'm sorry, let me work on making it right, rather then shutting down on you, running because they were confronted with a wrong and making you less than what you really are because that don't want to deal with the truth, or their emotions, which only pours more salt into the wound.

I liked Yansa's comment, for sure she is a avid reader of my blog and her comment made a light bulb ding in my head. It was the best self love advice anyone could have given me and it brought me back to my senses unlike Lynette's comments that made me want to say Boo why you read my blog?

Now I'm not irrational when it comes to meeting a man somewhere in between. I know for sure that no single man and woman will ever see eye to eye on a topic. We are the coming together as two. No man or woman should want a pasty. But rather, someone who respects and values you for who you are. Respect is key for me. But what I will not do is allow a man to be half/in half/out but still get what they need from me emotionally and leave me empty. I love myself to much for that. We should both benefit from a relationship, thats what makes it a healthy relationship. There should be mutual caring alone with mutual respect. While mutual caring will grow over time,  mutual respect is some basic shit that we should give to everyone.

So you are right Lynette Boo, I am tired and I will not accept less than what I deserve. Will I ever give up on men? Nawwww. I want companionship, but I also want a man who understands my value and treats  me there within, with mutual respect, consistency, stability and loyalty.

Most importantly, I'm never going to give up on this life and all that comes with it. I have no idea what God has for me so I dare not stop. I plan to go and see what the end is going to be.

Shoot just a month ago I drank cognac for the first time in my life. That was an experience that I would have never had, if I had given up on men and not met Mr. Handsome. I had cognac with him not out of pressure, but because I felt safe with him. I was actually having tea and reached over a took a sip and then another. It was an awesome intimate moment we where having on that day. Stopping means that you are  giving up on life's next experiences and there is so much to be explored

And on a side note, No matter how many times a person comes for me. I'm never going to stop sharing my journey because I never know who just might get a breakthrough from of my willingness to be vulnerable.