Pushing Through The Inferno

Last week I felt like I was stuck in Dante's Inferno. It felt like I was going through 9 levels of hell here on earth and the inferno of hot flashes was an allegory of my life.

I was so overwhelmed by these hot flashes that my life spiraled downward as the week progressed. I can't even began to explain how stressed I was.

It's like when we say in Social Media "My current situation," for me is was burning from the inside out with no relief in site..

Nothing was accomplished, I didn't workout, work on bracelets, even the two blogs that I did post were written on last Sunday and scheduled for Monday and Tuesday.

Last week I couldn't think beyond my right now. After 4 weeks of literally operating on less than 4 hours of sleep a night, I knew that a change had to come. I was back and fourth to the doctors the last two weeks trying to be cleared medically to take Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT).

This perimenopause I'm going through has been no joke. The hot flushes were so bad I started to have heart palpations. Every time I tried to dose off, I would get this overwhelming feeling of anxiety. I thought that I was loosing my freaking mind. You talking about scared and feeling helpless, that's exactly how I felt. My super woman cape was in the trash bin looking up at me helplessly. I didn't know how to deal with this lack of control that I was feeling and that added more stress.

I felt abandon, alone and crazy but I know that I wasn't. First off, God has got me in any situation that I face. I know this in my heart of hearts. God will never forsaken me, even if in that moment I feel alone. All I got to do is hold on until my change comes. No pun intended. The fact is, I didn't lose my mind last week because of God's covering.

Then those who care about me were at least checking in regularly. Tiara kept in close contact while vacationing in Vegas for  spring break. She kept my mind occupied by sending me text's of her shopping spree and other interesting sites in Vegas. The same for Luke. He was on his birthday holiday in Miami, but he reached out daily, always hoping for a better day. And my friend forever, Keith called helpless and all, but he was at least there with an supportive ear. No one knew really what to say, or how to make it better, except to say, hang in there, it will get better, we are here for you. That went a long way in not feeling so isolated.

By Wednesday, which was week 4 of  this madness, I was so sleep deprived and hot flashed out of my freaking mind I knew I needed more help.

It took everything in me to ask, but I knew that I was not going to sleep on my own. Then this anxiety I'm experiencing is scary, so my doctor prescribed me something in the Valium family to calm me down and help me rest. I also started a high dose of Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) on Wednesday. I slept off and on Thursday and  on Friday, back from Spring Break Fun,  Tiara came to stay with me.

But the hot flashes are not letting up. Me and Tiara were in the cold to the store at 11:00 on Friday night getting me some frozen fruit bars.  For Real... She is such a trooper. Side bar: I'm so glad that I spoke at her school last year and our paths crossed. She is such a blessing to me.

I'm flashing day and night. I'm trying everything I can to adapt to this current situation. After only a few days of HRT, I'm still waking up in the middle of the night from the flashes, but the Valium is helping me to go right back to sleep.

Yesterday morning when I got up, I took to the internet to read as much as I could about
perimenopause. I had already read some on perimenopause in HIV infected women. We tend to have more serve hot flashes and other symptoms, but I need solutions!! You can read last weeks Blog Here where I talk more about HIV and menopause.

Right now I'm operating on the reserve in my empty gas tank but I'm on a mission. This is a new week, with new possibles!! I'm freaking tried of feeling helpless and out of control. Between the hot flashes, the night sweats, anxiety, mood swings, sleep deprivation, lack of productivity, simple decision making hard, exhaustion, sleeping nude, sleeping with no heat, sleeping with the window open on a Chicago winter night, taking my temperature because I think I have a fever, parched lips, eating popsicles, I'm over it!!

Now that I am medicated, I'm hoping to play catch up with life. I'm off to the gym this morning to see if I'm able to keep up. But most importantly now that I'm at least starting to be in my right mind with some sleep from the Valium, I'm on a war path with this menopause. I need to make sure that I'm doing everything I can to get me through this journey. I ordered some books and can't wait to dive into it.

By weeks end I'm hoping to be off this valium. The tricky part is that I'm on the road this week speaking. I hate to be this stressed and medicated on the road, but I got do what I gotta do. This program at the University of Arkansas has been scheduled for months, so I'll keep it moving

I'm hoping that Hormone Replacement Therapy  (HRT) is working by then. The only possible snag is that HIV antiviral medications reduces the strength of HRT, so I may have to increase the already high dose that I'm on, but the doctor wants to give this dose at least a couple of weeks.    And thanks to everyone that has suggested some of the herbal treatments. I can not take natural herbal supplements because they interfere with HIV medications.

I am on a mission, seeking out the things that I can do to reduce some of theses symptoms. I'm not at a good place right now. I'm in the middle of my own private hell, but you better believe that I'm going to do everything possible to push my way out of Dante inferno. My Super Woman Cape is waiting on me!

Aging With HIV Part Two!

It's 3:30 in the morning and I've been up since 2:30. I woke soaked and wet yet again. I changed my night clothes and shifted to the other side of the bed, but sleep wouldn't be coming. I decided to go ahead and get today's blog done.

Yesterday, I went to my gynecologist to find some solutions to my perimenopause issues. When I came home I was beat emotionally and physically. First off, she removed my IUD, which I've had for 5 years to help regulate my issues from endometriosis. That left me bleeding heavy and cramping. All I wanted to do was take pain medication and crawl into bed.

Speaking of cramping along with heavy periods, that was the norm for more than 10 years because of endometriosis. Now actually, menopause corrects endometriosis and we were hoping that I was moving in the right direction. But then last Sunday, after 7 months, I got a period out the freaking blue. As of today, I've been bleeding for 10 days. So, this Thursday, I'm having a vaginal ultrasound to see what's going on. From those test results, she will determine if I will need to have an endometriosis biopsy next week to explore a little deeper. So keep me in your prayers because that is one biopsy that is some kind of painful. I have had three and all I was good to do afterwards is go straight to bed.

We dived into solutions to some of my perimenopausal issues. First off, she confirmed some of the information that I've been reading on my own, that women with HIV have a more difficult perimenopause than women who are not infected with HIV.

With that out of the way, I learned some new stuff. So I'm waking up wet in the middle of the night as I explained in Monday's Blog. Actually, I was blown away to learn that I am actually having hot flashes in my sleep and that's what's making me sweat and then the dampness wakes me out of my sleep. She did say that the mood swings are basically common for perimenopausal women from sleep deprivation that's caused by the hot flashes. Shut UP! What a crazy cycle! Keep living and you will learn something new everyday. Hot Flashes in your sleep. WOW!

So we have a couple of options. There is an antidepressant that has shown to help perimenopausal women's hot flashes. Or we could do Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT). Which I did a couple years back briefly, when I first started to have hot flashes. This is the route we are gong to take, HRT. But first I need to have a mammogram in addition to the ultra sound before I start and that's scheduled for next week. A mammogram is necessary because a woman can develop breast cancer after 5 years on HRT. We need a baseline before I  start! Also, before I start HRT, she wants to make sure that there's nothing really serious going on with this bleeding I'm having.

Also with HRT, it appears that women with HIV on antiviral medication, need to take a higher dose of HRT medication because HIV antiviral's actually interact with HRT. I know a lot of women take natural alternatives, instead of HRT, but those also interfere with HIV medication, like St. John's Wart for example so I can't go that route.

Anyhoo, at least I'm on the road to getting things back to normal. It will be at least two weeks before I'm able to start HRT. I'm praying that all things are good with my test and I'm counting down to relief. In the meantime, I do what I do, keep pressin' and do my best. I'll keep you posted after all my tests are back.

We also revisited the topic of Osteoporosis. She wants me to be diligent and take calcium everyday and to do 30 minutes of weight barring exercise 5 days a week! Doctors orders!

I said it in Monday's blog and I'll say it again. I try to convey everyday that HIV is a hard disease to live with. It really is more complicated than one pill a day. If you do not have HIV, keep it that way. Who knew that I would have to face another set of issues as I age with this disease? Prevention is our best course of action!

Aging With HIV Part One Click HERE!

Aging With HIV/AIDS

I've said it before, I never thought that I would live to see perimenopause, but I did. While I'm glad to be alive, I've got to admit, menopause or pre-menopausal  which is what I'm gong through, is more than a notion. Now, menopause is when your menstrual cycle has ended, no more, done. Perimenopausal is basically, everything a woman experiences leading to menopause and you still have a cycle.

While every woman will have to go down this path, studies show that women with HIV have more severe perimenopausal issues. We tend to begin menopause earlier at 48-49 years of age.  This is true for me. I started having hot flashes at 48. Women with HIV tend to have more severe hot flashes, depressed moods, irritability, sleep problems and all of this could lead to issues around adherence to HIV medication and ones overall well-being. As well as, a greater risk of heart disease.

It's interesting, older women don't really talk about menopause much other than hot flashes. When I was younger, I laughed off the topic with a shrug like most young women.

We go through most of our younger years not really seeking any information on menopause and then before we know it, the months have turned into years and 25 into 50 and we find ourselves knee deep in it and don't have a clue. As a woman living with HIV/AIDS, I'm learning that there is a heavier burden for me as I go through perimenopause.

This is at least true for me and I'm finding it difficult as I muddle through. For the longest, I've suffered through hot flashes. A hot flash is heat consuming your body like an inferno on the inside coming out. For a good two years, hot flashes were a thorn. Then they went away, then they came back, then they tapered off. Which is where I'm at now; a hot flash every now and then.  But when I have one, it stops me in my tracks.

Now perimenopause is far more then hot flashes. First off, this thing with the menstrual cycle, it just won't go away and when I'm this close to being done, then BAM! That's what happened last week. I hadn't had a cycle in 7 freaking months, then BAM! For me, having a menstrual cycle is not a breeze. I also have endometriosis, so my cycles tend to be heavy in the cramping; like someone has their hand up my vagina up to my uterus yanking down.

Yep, that was last week. Then these night sweats. Now night sweats are scary to me. Let me explain. Back in the day, night sweats were common for people living with AIDS and it often meant some kind of infection. So when my night sweats started back a few months ago, I went to my HIV doctor in a panic. She tested me for everything HIV related and all my test came back normal.  So the night sweats that I'm experiencing are clearly caused by my perimenopausal status.

For the last 3 months or so, I wake in the middle of the night soaked. The weekend was the pits. Friday night I had to change my gown about 4:00 AM. But Saturday night was the pits. I woke up wet, wet, and wet, my gown, my sheets, my pillows, even my blanket was so wet that I  had to remove everything. This happens at least 3- 4 times a week, where I at least have to change my night clothes and shift to the other side of the bed, and sometimes it happens a couple times in one night.

All of this means my sleep is deprived and I have to then get up and start the day tried on top of the HIV fatigue that I have a few times a week. I'm not sure how I've been making it these last few months and keeping up with my projects. Somedays I press through it, never really complaining.

Saturday night was the worst in terms of the level of my wetness so far. Needless to say, I woke up sacred. I thought that I had peed on myself . The first thing I did was smell my gown and sheets. Finally it hit, there would be no way for urine to make it to my pillows. Relieved somewhat,  I got up and changed my gown and sheets. I eventually fell back to sleep and when I woke for the day, I was wet again.  It was one rough night.

For sure, waking up in the middle of the night 3-4 times a week is interfering with sleep. We know that sleep is important for everyone, it is especially important for people who's immune system is compromise. Lack of sleep in and of itself does a number on the immune system, people living with HIV/AIDS don't need anything extra to effect the immune system negatively.

Then on top of the night sweets, which are depriving me of sleep. Some nights I have a hard time falling to sleep. The doctor prescribed medication back in the fall and for sure, if I don't take it, I'm still awake come 2:00 AM. I've learned my lesson so I take it, but it makes me a tad groggy in the morning. This means a few mornings out of the week I'm groggy from the medication and tired from waking in the middle of the night from the night sweats. It has been a vicious cycle.

Additionally, perimenopause has caused me to  have what's call atrophic vaginitis, which is inflammation of the vagina due to the thinning of the lining. Now some women actually have a very dry vagina. For me, I have thinning in the uterus, which makes it raw and sore. I also have this rawness on my vulva area at times. It is quite uncomfortable to say the least.

Bone Scan

While most perimenopausal women are at risk for Osteoporosis women with HIV are at an increased risk. HIV actually causes bone deterioration for both men and women living with HIV. A year ago I had a bone scan to get my base line and we discovered that I have already started to lose bone.

This is one reason I  keep trying to convey to people who are not infected. You do not want this infection. We can treat you and you will live a long time, but there will be problems the longer you live with HIV, no matter how good you feel today. HIV does damage to the body, bottom line.

Lastly, these freaking mood swings. One day I'm happy go lucky and the next day I'm not in the mood for bullshit. In the scheme of things, I'm happy. I feel good about life and what's happening in my life so I shouldn't be this emotional.

The biggest issue for me is that the mood swings have effected my productivity. Somedays I have to make myself push through, especially when I'm sleep deprived.

There is also an impulse to emotional eat. I gained 5 pounds back over these last two months from not working out and emotional eating. I'm trying to eat back on track but it's a challenge. I've decided that I can not bring certain foods into my house. I just can't.

Needless to say, I'm headed to my gynecologist Tuesday! I'm fed up right about now and need a solution to this madness. I know that diet and exercise can help some of these perimenopause symptoms and I'm trying to get back on track. For sure,  I need some extra help and I'm going to seek it out.  I always want to live my best life and so I do the things that will render the best outcome.

This weekend was really really rough for me all the way around. Oh, by the way, it's 5:00 A. M. Monday morning and I'm up writing this blog. I woke up at 4:00 A. M. to change my night clothes and I couldn't go back to sleep. Yes, I'm glad to be alive. Yes I'm tough beyond understanding. Yes, I will work through it all. I always do, that's what makes me me. But, being super woman does not take away the super hard and that is a fact.

For sure living with HIV/AIDS long term has presented tons of challenges. Now as I age, I'm having to consider the issues that effect every aging woman at an even more complicated level. HIV is the gift that just keep right on giving; that is for real and it ain't never pretty and some days I wish that I could just give it back.

Monday Reflection: The Power of Knowledge!

 Knowledge is a powerful thing. We can use it for greatness or use it against the natural order of the life that God has given us. That's with every single thing in life. Just because you know how to make a bomb, does not mean you have to use it to destroy others. Nope, even the "baddest" technology can be for a greater good.

Now, my issue today isn't that complicated. In fact, in the scheme of the universe it's a small issue, but for me, it weights heavy on my heart and in my freaking back, tummy and arms. Two weeks ago, I made a declaration about my weight. I laid out a good argument on why I need to hit the gym. I was good that week and then last week it went to hell in a hand basket. CLICK Here to Read!

My nights were so sleepless last week that I was dragging and cranky all week. Everything I did was a struggle because of sleep deprivation. That's why I didn't blog last week. I was too tired and cranky to even think. Menopause is kicking my tail. I guess they call it pre- menopausal. I haven't stop my menstrual cycle just yet, I have one every 2-5 months, but these night sweats and mood swings  have been all consuming.  Let me tell you, waking up from sleep in the middle of the night because it feels like you are on fire from the inside is not pretty. Waking up twice in the middle of the night is like a nightmare from hell.

When I made it to therapy last week, I thought that I was losing my mind. We tried to unpack this issue as best as we could. The fact of the matter is I have a lot of discipline and I do every single thing I put my mind to, so what is the darn problem?

The size 2 suit is to big. Look at the looseness in the arms.

Maybe there are a few issues. One problem I think is that somewhere deep inside, I'm feeling a tad defeated by HIV in the area of weight. I started out 20 years ago in a size 8 at my lowest, a steady 10 and a 12, when I was eating more than moving.

Then I made a transition to AIDS and in 4 months I went from a 12 to a 10, to a 8, to a size 6. Then I went from a size 6 to a 4 and stayed there a while. And then I went to a size 2 to a 0. I stayed there for a while and that's when I started to see death staring me in the face. Every time I looked in the mirror, death said to me, "I'm waiting." I'm so glad that God has power over death.

Then I started the new HIV medications and I went back up to a size 6 and I stayed there for almost two years. Then after a couple of years on the new HIV medication my weight shifted. I woke up one morning and I was a size 14 at the top part of my body, a 8 at my waist line and a 2 at my thighs. I was a hot freaking mess and I cried all the time. HIV lipodystrophy  is a trip. You can read an older blog post about it HERE!

Can you image the clothes drama that I have had with all these size changes with HIV?  Can you image what it's like to go from magazine cover ready to photo shop ready?

At one point after my weight shifted, I was able to get it under control. I met this trainer Cornell McCleanen and working out became a way of life.  I was able to get the top part of my body to a 8-10, and the waist down to a 4 and build the bottom up so I didn't look so freakin disproportionate.

 Then drug resistant herpes came and I spent more time in bed then walking. For sure, working out was not on my agenda cause ummm it hurt too bad to walk.

Working out had became a way of life life  for me and it was taken away right before my eyes, without any recourse. You can read about my Herpes drama HERE! The doctors are clear that the damage done to my immune system in those early day has made it possible for Herpes to become this aggressive nightmare for me today. (There are other post on herpes just search the labels)

A week of IV medication! 

BUT... I have not had an herpes outbreak in 3 months that means NO IV medication! I thank God everyday, but underneath I'm holding my breath, crossing my fingers and prying that it stays away.

The point is, right now I am healthy. I have no barriers to working out. Even my therapist thinks it's a good idea. She said that working out regularly works as well as antidepressant for mild depression.  Menopause does cause depression and mood swings that is for sure.

So with all this knowledge about how good working out is for me, and my success in the past with working out, what's the freaking problem? Why can't I use this knowledge for my good and wellness?

Sigh.... I have to come to terms with the fact, that

I can only control what I can control for the time that I can control it. I may never get my body to shape exacty how I want it. Lipodystrophy does not stop because you work out. I have to work extra hard to see some improvements and I then have to work to maintain those improvements.

And guest what? Herpes still may come back and then I will have to start over again.  It is what it is... You can control what you can, with the knowledge that you have, while you can control what you can.

I have got to come to terms with this.  That's it.... Oprah says often, "When you know better you should do better. "I say often, "Knowing better does not mean that you do better." Sometimes doing better means letting go of the easy, the familiar and the possibility of failure.  In the end, as powerful as knowledge is, we render it powerless when we don't act on the goodness of what we know.

Bracelet of The Week! Neon Glam! This bracelet says Summer Fun! We LOVE LOVE LOVE these Neon Beads.

 Perfect for Stacking!! This Neon bracelet is a beautiful orange 12-13 mm glass beads that have been rubberized. I am so fascinated with this rubberized glass. They take glass beads and rubberized them;how cool is that? SHOP HERE while supplies last! All Bracelets of the Week are very limited!