God Always Has A Next!

What I know for sure is that God always has a next! I have believed this since I was a little girl being told I was never gonna be shit. Even back then after every unjust beating, I continued to have hope for something better than my right now.

In time I learned, if I just kept holding on, there was something new for me. Now, it didn't always amount to the the things I wanted most, for the abuse to stop, but there was always something to make life worth living. Like the black theatre company, Thunder and the choir, Project Advancement Gospel Ensemble in high school. Those things were a joy to my soul and gave me a place to be other than my home.

Now, for sure it wasn't just about waiting on next, but putting myself in the right places at the right time. Sometimes we wait on next like it's going to fall in our lap, when in fact you may need to get off your ass and get to next. For example, I had to at least go to the information meetings about the theatre company and choir when I was in high school. I had to act on my own behalf.

I could have allowed the pain of my home stop me from living, but I choose to keep moving, keep searching for a better life. I believed that I was better than what my mother said I was and I went searching for better. The choir and theatre company gave me not only a respite from the chaos at my home, but a place that could nurture my self-esteem.

What I'm saying is this, it's about believing, but also about doing something in your right now. Why complain about something better, when you ain't doing nothing better?

I've carried that belief into my adulthood, no matter how bad it may seem in my right now, I  kept on pushing to see what God had next for me. At my lowest moments with AIDS, I kept this belief close to my heart. When my T-Cell Count was as low as 8, I was crisscrossing this country speaking and giving voice to the voiceless.

If I had allowed the hardship of my disease control my life, rather than continue on my life journey, I would have never met my BFF. I didn't know then that the sixteen year old who introduced me at the Jack and Jill Event in Knoxville, TN would turn out to become my ride and die years later. But what I know for sure, if I had stop living my life purpose because my t-cell count was 8 and stayed home and withered away,   I would have never crossed Luke's path. God sent me someone from an unlikely situation to have my back on this journey years later. You never know what is happening in your right now that will be a part of your next. This is way you have to keep pushing through the right now. 

It's like that with every single thing. You never know what tomorrow will bring. I understand that when you are going through, it seems like it's never going to end. For those who have been following my story you know my ordeal with herpes and IV medication. It started out once a year, then every six months and then for almost two years I had to go on IV medication every three months. I was at the end of the road emotionally. 

My doctor had exhausted every medical idea possible to control the herpes to no avail over a seven years period. But I just kept on pushing through occluded veins and failed pic lines and extreme side-effects. I never stop living, there were times I took my IV medication on the road with me when I had to speak. I didn't know what my future looked like, but as long as I woke up in the morning, I believed I was still a part of God's earthly plan.

I continued to let God use me through speaking, blogging and social media.  When I think about all the emails and private messages I have received from people who have been touched by my ministry. I understand, that living in the right now, isn't always about me, but about how God will use you. Even if it's simply to bring a smile to a stranger on the street with an hello. We all have a purpose. 

 Today, it's been an year since I've had herpes and needed to go on  IV medication. The saying is true, man plans, then God laughs. My doctor had even concluded that there was nothing to be done and now we are both looking like WOW.  I'm saying look at God.  Baby, just keep on living and watch God blow your mind. 

 I know life gets hard sometimes for us all. Your issue may or may not be HIV. But I'm a living witness if you just keep on believing and keep doing, no matter how futile it may seem, God will always have a next. It may not be the next thing you want, but it's the next thing that will bless you. Let me pause and say, don't turn your nose up you what God has next for you. Our blessings come in many shapes and forms, but what I know for sure, is that God always has a next! 

Nawwww I'm Not Tired of Men... Are You?

Lynette's Comment

I'm always amazed at how women respond to my blog post both good and bad. I use to internalize this stuff until I realized that the response really isn't so much about me, but about them. I find this to be true no matter the comment, good or bad.

Sometimes though, people think they are being super smart and the motives are really not nice. So I started treating comments on my blog, like I do at my speaking engagements when somebody comes for me.

First, I step back and ask ,why are they coming for me? Typically I'm able to hit it on the nail, and then I try to use it as a teaching moment. So last week when I was knee deep in my hot flash drama, Lynette who I don't know, made this comment on my blog post, Live by the Golden Rule! Treat People the Way You Want to be Treated! You can read it here. This is her comment, "Your entire life and the problems within are the direct result of dealing with men. Aren't you tired boo?"

My first impulse was, woman why are you coming for me? But after that hot flash passed, I said, You know Lynette is so correct. My life has been impacted by men both good and bad. For sure men have caused me pain. I was molested as a young girl by the men (yes plural) who were suppose to protect me. That then lead me on a path of early sexual activity in my preteens, which lead me on a path of in and out of relationships and POW HIV by age 20. These things are undisputed facts about my life and it is no secret. I have blogged about my it, talked about it in news interviews and spoken about it.

With this truth in tote, I wondered what was Lynette's real point and what she wanted me to do.
 1) Was she just really coming for me or was it my imagination  2) Does she want me to become a lesbian 3) Does she want me just give up dating altogether or 4) Does she want me to try and get it right. Which of course is what I'm trying to do, that was the point of the blog post.

Furthermore, anyone that have been a avid reader of my blogs or have read my book, knows that I've done worked on myself to the 10th power. So then that lead me to be even more confused about Lynette's comment. Cause yeah Boo I'm tired and yes Boo I've done something about it! Took me years to get here but I done arrived

Now I'm never going to give up men cause frankly, I think life should be spent in companionship. And good lawd, there's nothing like being in a mans arms. But just because I'm trying to get it right, don't mean it's gonna be right. It does mean however, that I love me enough to say to a man you cannot treat me in this manner. It also means that if we can't see eye to eye, then I love me enough to keep it moving, no matter how much I want him in my life.

The fact of the matter, men will treat you based on what they think is right  and how they have treated women in the past. Another woman may accept what you want.

Their right may not be right for you and you gotta have enough balls to say this don't feel good. And hope he wants to be with you enough to admit the wrong and make it better.

Oprah said in her, What I know for Sure. April Issue, that she had a disagreement with Stedman that really hurt her years ago. His response was "I'm sorry. This isn't the man I want to be. I can do better." That was so profound. Oprah said, "Whoa, that registered big-time on my respect meter" POW!

Why can't men say that I hurt you. I'm sorry, let me work on making it right, rather then shutting down on you, running because they were confronted with a wrong and making you less than what you really are because that don't want to deal with the truth, or their emotions, which only pours more salt into the wound.

I liked Yansa's comment, for sure she is a avid reader of my blog and her comment made a light bulb ding in my head. It was the best self love advice anyone could have given me and it brought me back to my senses unlike Lynette's comments that made me want to say Boo why you read my blog?

Now I'm not irrational when it comes to meeting a man somewhere in between. I know for sure that no single man and woman will ever see eye to eye on a topic. We are the coming together as two. No man or woman should want a pasty. But rather, someone who respects and values you for who you are. Respect is key for me. But what I will not do is allow a man to be half/in half/out but still get what they need from me emotionally and leave me empty. I love myself to much for that. We should both benefit from a relationship, thats what makes it a healthy relationship. There should be mutual caring alone with mutual respect. While mutual caring will grow over time,  mutual respect is some basic shit that we should give to everyone.

So you are right Lynette Boo, I am tired and I will not accept less than what I deserve. Will I ever give up on men? Nawwww. I want companionship, but I also want a man who understands my value and treats  me there within, with mutual respect, consistency, stability and loyalty.

Most importantly, I'm never going to give up on this life and all that comes with it. I have no idea what God has for me so I dare not stop. I plan to go and see what the end is going to be.

Shoot just a month ago I drank cognac for the first time in my life. That was an experience that I would have never had, if I had given up on men and not met Mr. Handsome. I had cognac with him not out of pressure, but because I felt safe with him. I was actually having tea and reached over a took a sip and then another. It was an awesome intimate moment we where having on that day. Stopping means that you are  giving up on life's next experiences and there is so much to be explored

And on a side note, No matter how many times a person comes for me. I'm never going to stop sharing my journey because I never know who just might get a breakthrough from of my willingness to be vulnerable.

Live By The Golden Rule! Treat People How You Want To Be Treated!

It's common for women to go along to get along because no one wants to be along. I will admit that over the years I have tolerated some shit so that I wouldn't rock the boat.

It's like this, men have a way of flipping the script and making you seem crazy cause you called them on their shit. For many many years I would allow stuff just to keep him and the peace. Men are quick to throw in your face your crazy, your drama and that becomes the issue. Then you find yourself defending you, and not addressing the real issue.

As I've grown to understand my worth and apply that worth to my life, I tend to be less tolerable of some things that leave an uneasy feeling within me. Now in full disclosure, I'm human and my first impulse is to KEEP THAT MAN! I said in my blog last week that I needed to work on me in some areas. While I don't always like how I react, and how that then manifest itself to the other person, it doesn't negate how that person made me feel.

As time passes, reality sits in and it hits you, fowl is fowl no matter how you slice or dice it. What makes fowl even fowler is when a man sees no wrong in his behavior, just the wrong in your reaction to his behavior.

I live by the golden rule, to treat people how you want to be treated! I speak and I expect to be spoken back to, bottom line. Like I knew it was time for my ex-husband to go when he would come into the house and fix him a plate of dinner that I had prepared without mumbling a word to me.

He traveled on the road with me back in the day and somedays he would stand in the back, with his arms folded in a Donna Karen suit, money from my gigs had purchased and hadn't said more than two words to me that day. It was ugly, but I knew that I had to let him go and face the fall out; and I did it and never looked back.

Respect is respect 24 hours a day. It's like this,  If I text someone 3 times in one day with no response, and then text them the next day and finally get a short and dry response 3 hours later, that's some rude shit.

First off, it was rude that it took 14 hours for them to respond from the first of 4 texts, especially with someone that you are building some kind of realtionship with.

It's a total disregard of the person. Actions at that moment says either you are not important to me, or what I am doing is more important and cannot share the same space with you.

Let me take it a step further, a person doesn't respond for two reasons in my opinion, bottom line. 1) They are ignoring you  or 2) They are so emotionally engaged somewhere else, that they are emotionally disengaged from the person that is reaching out to them.

Now let me be clear, this does not mean necessarily that the person is out their fucking. Nor does it mean malice intent. i.e. they didn't sat out to hurt you, they just did. If this has never happened in the past, bullshit ain't nothing, it's clear that the person has disconnected from you for whatever reasons they thought valid, and it is what it is.

The extra bothersome part for me is when people don't take ownership and make you the bad guy. Now in truth, whether a relationship makes it or not, treating people with the same respect that they have treated you and with the respect that you deserve to be treated should be the golden rule.

Truth be told, because you've behaved in a certain way in the past, does not make it right. It's bothersome when a man says to you, what I did to you was a small thing, I've done worst, so get over it. Like how does one proudly say that they disregarded someone's feeling that they cared about  as some band of honor?

It would be great if men could have more self examination rather than incrimination. Wouldn't it be great for a man to say, I made her feel less then, what can I do to change it, to make the relationship better, rather than seeing her feelings as a red flag to stop movement in the relationship?

I've always been such an honorable person that I don't know how to handle lack there of. I treat people how I want to be treated and if I don't, I take ownership and use that moment to be a better me for me and for them.

What I do know for sure, no matter how much I like a man, I have standards and I expect any man in my life to want the best for me, no matter how young or old the relationship may be, whether its day 2 or day 2002.

 I said in my blog When Women Don't Listen To Men, at the end of the day, you can't make someone love you or want you or want more with you. No matter how much you bond. No matter how good the chemistry is in bed or out of bed for that matter. No matter how much you like him. But whatever barriers a person have that prevents them from taking a risk with you, should not alter your worth.

The same is true, when a man is half-in/ half-out emotionally. The question for you then is how long will you wait, or what will you tolerate as he journey's through his emotions?

My golden rule of self-love, well ummm, when I'm through blogging and the lights are off, how and what I feel about me will determine what I do next.

I never really know what I will do when, I'm not that premeditated. I'm also learning patience in my old age LOL ... But what I do know for sure, I don't spend a lot of nights not liking me for accepting less then what I deserve.

Growing Pains...

At 51 I'm not ashamed to say that I'm still a work in progress!! I learned something new about myself everyday that I don't like! Discovery, then acceptance is the first two steps. But the real question is what are you going to do about it, that is, the thing you learned about yourself? You see it's not enough to know better, but at some point you have to replace the old with the new! The Bible says that you cannot put new wine in old bottles. At the end of the day, it's the action behind the discovery that makes us great .

So this is the deal, over the weekend I had a clash with two men that are special to me, my Pastor and Mr. Handsome. It was two totally different topics but it had the same result; it made them irritated with me.

I could on the one hand, right it all off as my freaking hormones all over the place and partly that could be true. The doctor confirmed that for me; the lack of sleep from my night sweats, thats cause by hot flashes in my sleep is what's causing my mood swings.

But that would be the easy way out, and we all know that I'm hard on myself. So another truth is that I tend to see things in black and white and that makes me overreact. The truth is, one truth don't negate another truth. Honestly, this black and white thing I got going on, is a trait of many Adult Children of Alcoholics, that I share. I remember in my early 20's Mrs. Jackson would say to me after an argument with Jesse, Jr. (We were always feuding about something or another) Mrs. Jackson would say just as calmly, "Rae it doesn't pay to be so damnn right."

For sure she had a point, because sometimes you win the battle and lose the people in the fight and for sure that's not always your intended outcome!

Now this thing about being right is relative because everyone's right has some validity. Sometimes it's a matter of respecting that everyone has a way of doing things and unless it's a total volition of you, and even if it is, it's there right. I learned that in Al- Anon, that a person has a right to make choices for their life even if you don't like the intended outcome for your life. You always have the option to move on.

The reality is that the most people don't always live with you in mind and that's not a bad thing per say. We each have to live our own lives, where we intersect then great!

Another person's way of doing and saying things isn't always meant to be mean or hurt you. A person's way of expression is just that. If you know a persons heart then that should be enough to get you pass that moment of what you are feeling.

With this said, I was reminded in both of these situations that I really need to work on some areas of my life. I keep saying that I really want to be my best me. I'm using these moments as  teaching moments and a catalyst to be a better me.

Someone who's opinion that I value said to me today, that Mr. Handsome is a shock to my system in a good way.  He is shaking things up over here. For sure he  has made me take a critical look through the lenses of which I view life; and when a person helps you to grow that's always a good thing. Pastor, well in a small but significant way, showed me that whatever I was tripping about had no validity.

Both of these men I certainly respect and are happy to have them in my life, that is without a doubt. I'm glad they have crossed my path. Even in an narrow way, I'm happy for my craziness, because it reminded me that I still have work to do on myself. At the end of the day, all we can really account for is ourselves and you must love the skin that you are in, or do something about it.

Sex, Self-Respect and Loneliness...

I haven't been on a date in about 3 years. *Sigh* I haven't had sex in, ummm, like 4 years. *double sigh* Now don't go getting super-saved on me. Like who doesn't want the feel good of sex? Shoot, the experts say the more sex you have, the longer you live.  Sex is a great benefit to life. The End!

In all honesty, while I haven't had any opportunities for dates, I've had more than my share of opportunities for sex. Nope, I haven't found any men who want to take me out to have a wonderful dinner and make me laugh with great conversation lately. And the last one that took me out for a wonderful dinner and great conversation was on some bullshit. I've had to learn that a wonderful dinner and great conversation don't always add up. I'm so glad I didn't let him bed me. For sure everything I've learned about him since that date has been disappointing to say the least. So don't get a great date confused with love.

For sure in these last 4 years I've had plenty to ask to bed me and thus, spend a wonderful time getting lost in ecstasy. I opted out. Well, the last man that bedded me was married. Yes, I said married! Child please, that Negro was all of that and before he ever touched me I was so deep in it that it took God to pull my ass out of that it. Now that one is COMPLICATED? I touched on it in another blog and got unfollowed on Twitter ... self-righteous black women. Or maybe scared black women. If you are married, then I've become your enemy because you now know that I'm at least capable of bedding a married man and most importantly, that a married man is willing to have sex with me knowing that I have HIV/AIDS. You can read that blog HERE.  

Now, he was living with his wife when I met him, but he left her and we became a new family. Then he left me and then he came back and then he left again. RIGHT, it took God to get me out of that one. His mother and sister still love me, and I them, but at the end of the day I'm glad God did for me what I wasn't able to do for myself. GET ME OUT! 

Ok, so now that you have some back-ground, lets tackle the right now. I think my dating problem is simple, I don't really go to many places where the opportunity arises to meet men. I just spend an awful lot of time alone. Not by design, but by design. Let me explain. It's not that I want to isolate myself, it's just that I've never been a club/bar girl. Even in my twenties I didn't do much in the way of partying. I don't drink, basically because I don't like the taste of alcohol. So with no need to visit clubs or bars, that particular way of meeting men has been ruled out for me most of my life. The other thing is, I'm a really overly serious gal, I say that to say, I'm not so much of a frivolous conversation gal. So how men approach me on the top end determines the length of the conversation.

So I do spend a lot of time alone. Some of this is only child syndrome. I even learned to play Monopoly by myself. The other end of this is my health. I spend a lot of time managing my health hit after hit. When I'm down I'm down and when I'm trying to make it back up I'm spending my time playing catch up with work, blogs and bracelets. Often times it takes a lot to get it through the day so I don't want to rock the boat and make matters worst by hanging out because often times there is still work to be done. If I hang out too tough, then I'm wiped out the next day and then there goes work. But then where does a girl go to meet men when she isn't into the bar scene, Starbucks? Humm, now that's an idea so don't be surprised if I tweet I'm having tea in Starbucks, LOL. But ummm for real, for real.

Now, the sex thing is easy but hard at the same time. Yes, I want to have sex. I like sex. I happen to not be an uptight gal. I enjoy every minute from the beginning, the foreplay that begins with the mind right down to the orgasm. Remember, I did say that I'm a serious gal, so if the mind is not stimulated my body will not respond. I don't care how good looking a man is. I much prefer brilliant and well dress any day over fine. And shit, honestly, I want to be the one looking in the mirror all the time, for real, for real. 

My starting point is important, but most importantly, I just ain't giving any more men my innermost self in chances where my self-respect is lost. There is no sex worth my self-respect. FACT! This means what it means; I'm not giving myself up at any cost, so I keep myself to myself. Plus, I've been fucking since I was 13 years old and at 51, I'm not lacking in the sex department. And let me go there, I'm not scared to pleasure myself; and keep your super-saved opinions to yourself. The Bible does not mention masturbation. I prefer to love myself while loving myself then to give myself to a men who do not appreciate my worth. 

Now, for sure it has taken me years to get to this place and I'm not going to sacrifice this growth on a fuck. Now my ex, the one that was married understood my worth, the problem was he didn't understand his worth. The End! But if I had to do it over again, ummm I ain't gonna lie, I'll do it over again with him. But only at the beginning, because now that I understand who he is, I could never go back. For sure that was a painful lesson to learn, even in love. My bottom line, you have to love yourself more than you love him. That was almost lost in that relationship. Thank God for almost.

With all of this stuff I know about me, being a loner, being serious about life, maintaining my health, loving me more than idea of having a man, all of this, the sum total of who I am, for sure has to be factored into my dating life or lack thereof. For sure I'm lonely, but at sometimes more than others. But I will never, ever jeopardize the love that I have for myself. I want to die liking me, not loathing me.

I wonder if I expand my dating boundaries to men of other races how that would work. Now for those of you who don't know, I'm plain old mulatto, that means for me that my mama is white and my daddy is black. So technically I would only be dating the other half of my race, but that's another topic. I'm not sure if I subconsciously keep myself closed to the idea because, at 51, I'm still stuck somewhere with how white men typically approach black women, or should I say ME, back in the day, either as a whore, or my "white side" was in some way appearing. They would say stuff like, "So who's white in your family?" For sure that's a freaking turn off to a black woman reading Dr. Martin Luther King's, "Why We Can't Wait" and Stokely Carmichael's "Black Power" at 18. 

So here I am, 51 years of age and lonely. I'll keep you posted on that Starbucks idea *wink* 

You Mad Cause Why? But You Knew He Was Married!

I heard her say, "I'm so stressed out." Yep, I was ear hustling in the gym about a month ago. I didn't  mean to, but she was talking so loud. Then she said,
"He's married!"

You know I really started listening then. Shoot I wanted to hate her with him. Girl bonding in the gym and I didn't even know her. She was so dramatic as she walked on the elliptical and talked to her friend on the phone.

"YES!"

"MARRIED! "She said. 

"Im so repulsed." She took a deep breath.

"I hate he ever touched me!" 

You know she had me by then. I was locked in, rock, stock and barrel. I started feeling sad for her. 

"That Bastard," I mumbled to myself. Why do men continue to play that stupid ass game? You want some choochiee other than your wife's that's between you and God, but at least be honest. Give a woman a choice. Let her know what she's giving her body, mind and spirit over too. Let her determine your worth for her. She kept talking and I kept right on listening.

"Yes!"
"His wife posted a picture of him on his Facebook page getting ready to have a procedure."

"I can't believe that!"

"His WIFE!"

"I'm soooo repulsed!"

I had to laugh, Facebook will spill the beans every time. I was feeling really sorry for this woman. Then it got COMPLICATED! I heard her say,
"I asked him if he was married?"

 Hummmm so I wondered immediately did she have a reason to think he might be married or was she just doing the standard check that I ask right out, 1) Are you married 2) Have you ever had sex with a man 3) When was the last time you were tested for HIV? Yep, those are my three and they should be yours too! It's called self-love and self-care! 

She knocked me out of my thoughts when she said
"I kept asking him, if he was married." 

Another red flag.
"Why would she kept having to ask him if he was married?" I though to myself. Once should have been enough!

So this really was COMPLICATED! I shifted in my thoughts from a woman bonding over a sorry ass men to Life Coach Rae! I tuned back to her conversation.

"He kept pursuing me and keep pursing me," she said all dramatically.

"OMG!"
 "Im so repulsed!" She hollered, then continued with the details.

"I asked him over and over about that ring on his finger." She hollered!

Ohhhhhh shit, so he was wearing a ring. Was she stuck on stupid? And you know I wanted to ask her to. But I just shook my head and kept right on listening. She was getting to the real story now. Truth always comes to the light.  Don't you know there is always a real story! Yep! She started in on the details.

"Yes," She continued, "He kept liking all my stuff on Facebook."

There we go with flirting on Facebook again. My thoughts started to wonder. Been there, done that and I'll NEVER do that one again as long as I'm Rae Clara Lewis-Thornton. FACT! Her loud voice brought me back to the right now.

"He said that the marriage was bad and that he was moving out and getting a divorce," she mumbled.

"Do men still really say that stupid shit?" I asked myself. Most importantly, do women still believe that stupid shit?

Now Life Coach Rae would have said, the moment you saw the ring was the moment you should have kept it moving.  He's married and even if he was getting a divorce, why would you want to be involved with someone who is still trying to close a door in another place?

 I've been there and believe me you don't even have a 1/4 of him and if there are children, you have even less. I've done it all and I am woman enough to speak out of my mistakes and my experiences. I share my growth so you can grow. Back to the story.

"Then he showed up one day without a ring," she explained to her friend on the other end.

"I asked him what happened to the ring?" 

Was she really that stuck on stupid?  You know I wanted to ask her, "Why didn't you leave him the fuck alone when you had a chance; before you gave him permission to touch you?" But I just sighed and continued to listen.

"He told me that he had moved out and that it was official," she told her friend.

"Yes," I heard her answering a question,
"I did ask him where he lived. And I was confused because I know that building and I know people who live there. But he assured me," she explained and then started venting again.

"OMG!"

 "I'm so repulsed!"
"I hate that I ever let him touch me!"
 "I don't want anything to do with him."
 "He just kept on pursuing me, just kept on!"
 "I hate him!"
"I hate him!" 

There I was.  I had come full circle in my bonding with this young woman somewhere between the age of 25-30. I wanted to take her to Starbucks and have a cup of tea, but there was nothing I could say to her on that day. She was not ready to hear the truth. She was not ready to accept her culpability in her pain on that day. 

The fact of the matter is that he was married and she knew it. He actually did tell her. It does not matter the story he created to explain his marriage away. The bottom line was, when she met him he was still living with his wife. That was her cue to walk away. Instead, she continued to play with fire and flirt with him on Facebook.

Then she had the nerve to say in her rage.

"His wife is never on Facebook."
"I can't believe she posted on his page."
I gave her the side eye from hell. Huh? That's her husband Facebook page. She has ALL the rights and privileges. She was letting his friends/ their friends know that he was getting ready to go into surgery. Why you mad?

" She must have felt something."
 So I commented on her post, just so he would KNOW that I KNOW that he's still married."
I wanted to say, "Baby you so confused."
The fact of the matter, she did KNOW that he was still married.  So now what was her point of disrespecting his wife? You mad cause why? You knew he was married!! 

So my question is, What is it about her, within her that she continued to flirt with this man that she knew was taken? Even if she believed that he was getting a divorce, when they met, he was still living at home with his wife. Why continue to flirt with him on Facebook. Whether she wants to accept it or not, she was disrespectful to his marriage and his wife with the continued back and fourth on Facebook. She was at fought before she ever had sex with him. She gave him permission to pursue her married.

The question is Why? What was going on in her head really? What justification did she give herself. Then, why would she even want him? He had unfinished business that would continue to altar their relationship. Why would she want to go in with this baggage?

Why didn't she just walk away and say, once you clean up your situation and is in a better place to give me all of you, look me up. What was her need that she allowed herself to go in deeper and deeper?

Even when his story wasn't adding up and she knew it wasn't adding, she continued to flirt with him. What was going on with her that she continued to pursue and be pursued? She continued to meet him for drinks and that eventually gave him permission to bed her.

I know for me, a man with attachments other than me, is not worth me because you can only have a part of him. Why should I give all of me and get a part of you? Now don't be confused, for you new comers to my blog, I'm not trying to be self-righteous. It took me a long time to get here. Like I said, I have done it all. It took me a long time to like me, then to love me, but I'm here now and there is no turing back. At the end of the day, I got to live with me and all of my actions; the things I do to myself and the thinks I allow to be done to me.

She has to deal with the fallout and face the truth. The truth that she knew all along, but justified it somewhere along the way.

For sure she has lost a part of herself that she can  never regain. That's the worst, when you give yourself to someone who doesn't deserve to have that part of you.

Now don't be confused. Of course he has culpability in this, but he is who he is. He wanted to fuck and did everything that was necessary to do just that.

He was a jackass from day one! That goes without saying. But to often we women, me included walk away hurt without accepting any responsibility. It takes two to tango!

 At he end of the day, she should have kept it moving. Now she has to work through the emotional baggage that could have been avoided in the first beginning. For sure, until she accepts her own culpability, she will never really heal. She was mad and hurt that day. My heart went out to her, for her own foolishness.  

Damn Ladies You Have All The Control #FuckinFriday

Ladies, you have so much control, but often you give it up; You give it up because you don't want to be alone, lonely or without companionship. We give it up because we want to be loved. But having sex with a man will NOT guarantee love. The only thing it will guarantee is a fuck and maybe not even a good one. Furthermore, having sex without a condom sure won't earn you his heart forever, but it just might earn you a sexually transmitted disease that you will have to live with forever. Diseases such as, HIV, Herpes, HPV, Hepatitis.

So why is it that we continue to have sex without a condom? You, don't want to rock the boat? You don't want him to think that you think he is cheating? Well, the fact of the matter is, you don't really know if he's cheating. You think you know, but at the end of the day you just don't know.

You don't want him to think you may be stepping outside of the relationship? Well, if his mind is that small, then his penis should not be big enough for you. This is real talk here. If a man cannot respect the choices you make about your body and have respect that you want to keep yourself safe, then he is not worth your body.

This video has been floating around Facebook and I thought that I would share it with you. While it is super funny, it speaks volumes to the control that we have, but yet surrender each time we let a man penetrate us with out a condom... That's all I wanted to say... Wrap It Up! #FuckinFriday

And remember, every 10 minutes a person becomes infected with HIV in the United States. Don't let it be you!!!

Moving Beyond Regrets!

Have you ever had sex in a car or sucked a dick that you wish you hadn't? Now close your mouth from shock and speak Truth To Power! I know I have.

In my late teens sex in the car was often the only place you could afford to go. It was a hot and steamey clandestine meeting that was worth every minute. Good Lawd, that Brotha was something to remember and I don't regret not one moment of it! But ummm there are something's that I wish I hadn't done, but did. I know I have sucked a dick here or their that wasn't worth my mouth or the degradation I felt when it was all done. I don''t really regret them because it I had not done them, I wouldn't have learned something new. To live is to learn and to die is to forget!

I'm no virgin and sex for me started when I was 13 and I'm 50 now. Yes, I wish I had waited but by that time I had already been taught that sex was love by my uncle and step-brother. So I set out about this world looking for someone to love me with about an ounce of self-esteem. I hadn't thought about regrets until an old college friend dropped by last week and asked, "Other than the obvious, do I have any regrets?" I told him that I had none! Not even the obvious! I keep saying to people that our journey shapes who we are. I can't pick and choose one expect of my life because it's all connected. If I could choose it would start with my birth parents. Born to heroine addicts set me on this likely course and it is what it is.

So their are no regrets, but yes their has been some shame. I imagined Bill Clinton lied about Monica Lewinsky because to admit that he had this young girl suck his dick under his desk in the White House was a tad shameful, to say the least.

I've often wondered if Monica regretted doing it. Her life was forever altered. Clinton left the White House to become a millionaire and she struggled to just get a job. It was women who did the most damage to Monica. Women black listed her, like their man was next on her list. Jenny Craig said using Monica in her adds was the worst mistake of her company. Women dropped her diet plan like a hot potato. Monica was a generation to late. if it had happened ten years later she could have made some money with the right branding like others have done.

At the time I use to joke with my girls and say, "Hell yes I would have sucked the President's dick and I would have never told!" He's one fine white boy with a whole lot of swagger. For Real! Now stop being all high and mighty, some of y'all know if you had the chance you would drop it for Presiedent Obama. I wouldn't because I was at their wedding and I don't do husbands or boyfriends of friends. See even a hoe got some rules! :)

Today I wonder if I had the chance with Clinton, that is the woman that I am in 2013, would I do it? I probably would have done it just three years ago, just for the heck of it! I mean damn the President! Make a woman feel powerful even if its misguided, twisted and distorted thinking. For sure the man is the one with the power, but what a sugary boost to ones self-esteem. That is ,to be able to say if just to yourself, "I must be a bad bitch that a man that powerful would want me?"

So we do things that are a tad savory at best. You were trying not to go there but in the moment it was hot and steamy and he kept saying, "Just do it baby," and the pressure of wanting more from him takes control and before you know it, you sucking him like a lollipop, hoping that this will be the thing that wins him over.

So yes, at 50 there are some things I've done even as late as my 40's that I know were not cool. Not cool because they only served to chip away at my self-esteem and self-worth. Not Cool, because it made a mess of things that still impacts my life. Not cool, because I didn't like me when it was all said and done. Not cool, because others were hurt by my selfishness. Not cool, because I was hurt by my own actions.

I've grown so much since the early 90's during the Clinton- Lewinsky Scandal. Shoot, I've grown so much in the last few years. It's a wonderful thing when you can look at your life and all that's been done and you can say, I learned this from that!

But knowledge is powerless if we don't use it! At the end of the day, it's not just enough to know better, you have to do better. Now, doing better is no easy task. NOPE! Sometimes we find ourselves in the same situation over and again. It's only when we have had enough of self-loathing that we really start to do better.

It's like an addict. In the months clean, they forget how they felt, the self-loathing they felt after they use. That's why they remind themselves in 12 step programs that they are an addict and that all power comes from a higher source. This simple reminder helps to keep them on a course of self-love over and above self-loathing.

The truth is, you cannot run from the things that you have done. All you can really do is learn from them and use that knowledge to be a better you.

I've learned that sex is not love and just because a man makes me wet between the legs doesn't mean that I should give him my innermost self. If the truth be told, you can make your own self wet between the legs. I've learned that just because you have chemistry in bed, doesn't mean that a man will love and respect you.

With this knowledge I've used it to be a better me, making decisions about my life that are worthy of my worth. But the fact of the matter, we are only human and we have and will make decisions about our lives that leave a bitter taste in our mouth, sometimes literally!

All you can do is regroup and keep it moving. It's not that we fall down, it's not even about how long we stay down, it's about the getting up. When you get up, you acknowledge that you are a child of God worthy of love and grace. All you have to do now is forgive yourself, as God has already forgiven you.

Clean Up The Nasty Within: A Better You In 2013!

The house that I grew up in was a world according to Mama. She made all the decisions those spoken and unspoken. But New Year's Eve she spoke loud and clear. In this house we bring the New Year in with a clean house and washed clothes. Often times I set about early getting the job done because I never wanted to give Mama a reason to either beat my ass or curse me out.

This tradition of cleaning before the New Year has stuck to me like Gorilla glue. Often times, especially in these later years I found myself trying to wash cloths when I'm sick. I could always hear Mama's voice, "If you bring out the new year nasty, you will live the new year nasty." Here I am a grown woman but my head still jacked up trying to meet a woman's approval who made her way out of the living, well over 8 years ago.

This new year eve as I sat on my sofa reading a book and drinking tea, two of my greatest pleasures, the little girl in me started to hear Mama's voice about dirty clothes. I started to play it over in my head and give it some serious thought. Was I really going to interrupt my long over due me time to carry out this tradition of Mama's? I then started to examine my life then and now.

My entire childhood was nasty and there wasn't enough bleach to clean up the meanness that Mama willed throughout the year. The order and cleanliness that was kept in our home was for everyone to see, but Mama's nasty was deeply rooted in her spirit and shinned bright in the dark spaces of our home.

Looking back I don't think that Mama always meant harm, this was just the only way she knew how to survive, live and thrive. Like to justify staying with the husband that was grabbing my beast, she deemed me the tempest whore. I was the light skin bitch that threaten her marriage, it was that conclusion or face the fact that her self-esteem was so low, that she sacrificed the safety of her daughter for a man to lay in her bed.

No matter how often I cleaned the exterior, I could never reach the interior of Mama. With this understanding I started to think about all those traditions that started so long ago in Mama's house and their impact on my life. Like Mama always cooked black eye peas for good luck but as long at the bottle of Christian Brothers was in the pantry, there was no luck in my cards no matter how big the pot of peas.

Then I started to think about all the resolutions people will be making this mouth and wondered how much of this will be on the surface with the layer of dirt so imbedded in the spirit it will take more then surface cleaning, just like Mama. You see, you can clean the cabinets of all the cookies and potato chips, but if you don't tackle the why food is your comfort your diet has already failed.

You can delete him/her from Facebook and Twitter, but if you don't love you more than having someone love you, you will be right back where you were with him/her, or with someone just like him/her.

If you spent your last dollar on a new outfit for the New Year Eve's party, you need to tackle your need to look good before you can make a budget and actually stick to it.

Often times the things we try to clean up are not the things we ought to clean up. And even the things we try to clean up are often times for others and not ourselves. Looking good on the outside will get you shadow praise, but if the inside is bankrupt then you only deepen your debt.

So before you delete that man from Facebook or Twitter ask yourself some deeper questions; like why were you with him in the first place; why did you stay so long; what makes him different from the last man you deleted from Facebook or Twitter; what did you give up to have a part of him and why; what was so important about having him that you were willing to sacrifice your self for as long as you did?

So before you hit the gym, ask yourself why am I really working out? And for that fact, all those resolutions you made, go down the list one by one and ask yourself, why? Why is this on my list? Why is this important to me? Are these the things that you think you should be doing because of some article you read, or it sounds good, or that people will approve, or are they things to help make you a better you for you because of you?

Most importantly, don't derail yourself. Be honest about what lingers from within. The Bible says, "As a Man thinketh  in his heart so is he." Your worth and greatness should lie within you for you. It has nothing to do with any one else. No man, no friend or mother. All your resolutions should stem from the depth of your greatness not the glitter of popularity.

For sure, unless you clean the demons that lay within, the smell of the nasty will seep to the surface and spoil all the work on you over and over again.

It's like sitting on the toilet pooping with the doors and windows shut. It stinks don't it? Yep! Often times when we get off the toilet, we go and get the air fresher and spray to hide the stench, but in reality, all you really did was mix it up together and now it's air fresher with a hit of poop. Air Fresher is surface spray that never touches the core of the smell. Don't let your life be like air fresher.

For sure all the air fresher in the world will not transform your life. It's not until you open the doors and  the windows and let the bad oxygen out, that the new can come in and transform that very spot. Start deeper! Clean up from within....


Post Script: By the way, I opted to continue reading my book until I made my way to church for the New Year Eve's service. I'm cleaning up Mama's demons that have been embedded in my spirit, one demon at a time!

Friendship Should Not Hurt!

I blog a lot about relationships but not so much about friendships. For sure they can be as wonderful and toxic as a "relationship." I was thinking a lot about friendship because the girl in the apartment up over me was at it again. There is always some kind of drama and it typically begins in the we hours of the morning.

As I was walking Sophie this morning I started to give it a lot of thought. So at about 4:00 A. M. I was awaken out of my sleep by someone yelling and throwing things over me. Instantly, I said to myself, "Here she goes again." I took a deep breath and sighed then tried to go back to sleep. It was difficult because I could hear the one voice screaming, as things rolled across the floor; CRASH! BANG! BOOM! Then for a while it got quiet and I drafted back into sleep land. All of a sudden, I heard CRASH! BANG! BOOM! again. I looked at my phone, it was now 6:00 A. M. I dragged myself out of bed to go knock on her door. I was trying to be nice before I called the police. Next time, I will just call.

Anyway, as I made my way out of my apartment there was a young woman in tears sitting on the stairs between the second floor. She was a wreck! She had her coat and bag in her lap. She looked pathetic, sad and helpless.

She looked at me and said, "I'm sorry, I just want to get my things and go." That's when I noticed that she was wearing one boot. "Why don't you just knock on her door and ask for your boot?" I suggested. She replied though tears, "She's crazy. She literally picked me up and threw me out of her house." I took a deep breath. Just as I was exhaling, I saw a police officer standing at the outside door. "Thank God," I mumbled.  I'm glad that someone had called. Clearly this was a messy mess that I could not handle. The girl jumbled up from the stairs and came down by me, scared she mumbled, "I don't want to get involved I just want to go home." I opened the door for the police officer and the first thing he asked, "Did you call?" "No, but I was gettin ready to," was my reply." He started to assess the situation.

The young lady was scared out of her wits. She tried to explain that all she wanted to do was go home. She wasn't making much sense to the officer so I explained what I had heard for the last two hours or so and her pattern in the past. He headed for my neighbors apartment and the girl came closer and closer to me. "How long have you known her?"I asked. "About a year," the trembling girl said.  "Has she ever done this before," I questioned? Trying to asses it all myself.

The girl began talking, We went out drinking and she asked me if I wanted to spend the night. It was late and I said yes. We were up there and she just started screaming and throwing things. I don't know what happened. She's crazy.

The second officer had made his way to the outer door and the girl came closer and closer to me. My impulse was to guard my door and Sophie who was in the bed looking at me. I closed my door and opened the outer door for the police officer. The girl started trembling, she couldn't talk and so I gave a mini review, the police officer took over and I closed my door.

When that police officer walked back out the building, I was so concerned about the girl that I opened my door again. The young lady was scared out of her wits. The other police office was still upstairs talking to the girl in the apartment. I could hear bit's and pieces of the conversation. She sounded all articulate, but it were clearly wrapped around some kind of mental illness. She sounded normal, but if you really listened closely, it was a bunch of articulate crap that wasn't making sense when you add it up. About a year ago, she had invited a friend to stay with her until she found an apartment, and it was the same thing every night. Clearly, she is the problem.

The Police office shut her door they stepped in and I could no longer here the conversation.  I was wondering what the Officer thought the moment he stepped into her apartment. She has been trowing things for almost 3 hours or so. In fact, I have no idea  how long the girl had been sitting on the stairs in the hallway, but when I found her there the girl in the apartment was still trowing things and screaming.

The young lady standing at my side spoke up, "I don't want to get involved. He took my drivers license," she mumbled." "It will be Ok," I tried to comfort her. "If I were you," I added my Aunite advice, "I would be done with her. This is not her first time behaving like this." The girl's eyes got big and she reached out and touched me as to say thank you, thank you for confirming that this is not about me.

"So it's not me?" She asked. "No dear heart I've seen it over and over again." I could see the big thank you in her eyes and she sighed in relief. "There's something wrong with her I added, I would be done if I were you." She spoke up in a hushed tone as trying not to anger the girl upstairs. "I'm a really nice person. All I want to do it bake cookies and be nice to people." I giggled to myself. Wanted to say much more but it was not my place. My role at that moment was comfort.

By that time, the police officer came down with her boot in his hand, shaking his head. "How long have you known her?" He than began asking her more questions about their friendship. It was clear to everyone that she was in over her head; that this girl was not the girl she thought she was.

A few minutes later, the girl up stairs walked out of her apartment and when she saw her friend standing there she hollered to the police officers, "She don't live on this premise, make her leave." They shook their head and told her to go back into her apartment. Then she wanted to know for how long? Like really?!

When she shut her door, the police went back to speaking with the girl. They asked about her well being and how she was going to get home, the first officer on the call, a fine brother might I add, offered to give her a ride home.

I said a prayer for her as the police officer escorted her out of my building. About five minutes later, the girl upstairs came out of the building walking her dog as if nothing had happened. As if she was just a regular Gold Cost Girl walking her dog. As if she hadn't terrorized the hell out of this girl for the last 3 hours.

I was so blown away by it all. We meet people and we really don't know who they are. All we really know is what they tell us and what we see. This goes for dating and non dating relationships. And what if, what they tell you, is a lie? How do you work your way out of their maze? And if God should fix it so you learn their truths, what do you do with them?

Do we rationalize friendships based on the good things, over and above the bad things? You do trade off some of your spirit to be a part of the "in" crowed; to have chic friends; to have a ride to the party; to not be lonely; to have someone pick up the check at dinner? The list can of why we stay in toxic friendships goes on and on.

As we move into a new year and a better you, I'm asking you to access your friendships.  Ask yourself these things: Does that person add value to my life? Do they take more than they give? Do they make you feel a certain kind of way at certain times? Are they always negative? Does everything add up or do you have that funny feeling about their life, the things said and the things you have seen. Are they really living the life that they preach?  Do you have arguments over things that don't even make sense?

In making your assessment I want you to remember: If they lie once, they will lie twice; if they throw you out of their car or apartment once, they will do it again; if they degrade you in front of people once, they will do it again; if they talk about other people to you, they will talk about you to other people; if you thought an issue was resolved and you still hear about it in the grapevine, they play in mess for fun.

 People are basically who they are unless they have had some real help over a long period of time. Change does not come quick and easy. Especially if their is some clinical mental illness that has not been diagnosed and even with those diagnosed. People stay in denial, and even family stay in denial and then change never comes. Sometimes, the change for that person is hard. Sometimes, they are not mentally ill they are instead, sociopaths that prey on people. Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference. Sometimes mental illness is an excuse for unhealthy behavior.

But what I knew for sure is this, their inability to change does not mean that a change cannot be within you. You should never be in a relationship where you feel less than. Self-Love should be your baseline. Everything stems from that place where you can be your best you. Never sacrifice your spirit for sub-standard love and nurture.

In all cases you must access your liability and your gain. The liability should never out weigh the gain.

Self-Love should be your parameter. If you feel a certain kind of way in your spirit when you are in contact with that person, you have to ask yourself honestly, is this feeling worth it?

Does this feeling destroy a part of my spirit each time I encounter them?  Friendship should never hurt. This morning I saw a wounded girl, a hurting girl. I pray that she will deal with this trauma and go on with her life. For sure, when someone shows, you who they are, you better believe them or each time you come back, they will hit you harder and harder.

With Self-Love as your guide, you can be a better you! Happy New Year! Here's to making you a better you in 2013!