Usher-Herpes and Disclosure...

When I first heard about the lawsuit against Usher, I made no attempt to learn any of the details. I dismissed that shit weeks ago when I heard about the supposedly green discharge coming out of Usher's penis, (which is not a symptom of herpes) but was claimed in the first alleged law suit according to the tabloid outlets. I was suspect.

But really, personally, I respect Usher's right to privacy so I had decided to let it ride. Living with a STD is so very personal. But then after the press conference yesterday with the woman who is suing Usher because he could have infected her, but didn't, I thought that maybe I needed to weigh in.

Let me say right off the bat, according to a California law, it is against the law for a person with a sexually transmitted disease (STD) to have sex and not disclosure that information to their sexual partner prior to the sexual encounter. (And there lays the biggest problem for me; the criminalization of a medical condition.)

Whether the STD is Herpes or HIV, the law requires disclosure. Now, I'm not a lawyer but this is the legal bases for the law suit. What I don't know is if the sex had to happen in the state of California? I'm still trying to unpack this legal portion.

Background: Apparently,  the claim of court documents published by Radar Online and other tabloid sites indicated that Usher was allegedly diagnosed with herpes between 2009-2010. The articles claim that in 2012 Usher was allegedly sued by Maya Fox-Davis and settled the case for over a million dollars. This may be true, but honestly I'm still trying to find a legitimate source. None of the tabloid articles show the actual court documents. And might I add, that all the legitimate news sources are reporting based on the tabloid articles. So based on these tabloid reports that Usher has herpes, other alleged sexual partners of Ushers have come forward, two women and one man in a lawsuit handled by Lisa Bloom. While one of the persons in the suit is named "Jane Doe" and one "John Doe," one person Quantasia Sharpton, also named in the suit held a press conference with Lisa Bloom, the attorney of record.

Apparently, Quantasia tested NEGATIVE for herpes but is suing Usher for what he might have done. At her base line, is the issue of consent. She indicated, that she would have never had a one night stand with Usher had she known he had herpes and by not disclosing, he took away her choice. I hear you girl! I agree, you should have had the right to choose the terms of your one night stand.

At the end of the day though, I'm just thankful that she was not infected. This is especially true since she had a child after her alleged sexual encounter with Usher. It means her child was never exposed to Herpes. Mother to child transmission is one of the greatest risk for a woman with herpes. The way I see it, she just learned of Usher's alleged herpes status with the rest of us, so there's no long term emotional abuse. Quantasia is not infected, she had an alleged fun night with a celebrity, walked away from that alleged sexual encounter, started a family and kept it moving. I say, what you didn't know, didn't hurt you, go in peace. 

Making an example out of Usher for something he could have done, girl that's like calling the kettle black. I can think of a whole lot of lessons to be learned from this alleged sexual encounter that happened with two people who knew each other for less then two hours. But God forbid, I'm accused of slut shamming either of them, so I'll leave that one alone.

But I will say, if I  ummmm get invited to a fine ass celebrity's hotel room,  just pick one, yep him, you better believe I'm going to take, not one pack but two packs of condoms, just in case, us two consenting adults decide to do that thang. Cause shoot, I already got two STD's, and with my damaged immune system, I surly don't want anything else. At the end of the day, you never know who got what. I understand in 2017, that an STD's know no race, class, or gender. It's all equal in the game of unprotected sex. 

Now, on to the next point, but I should also add that at least one person in the law suit  against Usher has tested positive for herpes, but whether the person was infected by Usher is for a court to decide.

Bottom Line
 Lisa Bloom has filed this law suit to shame Usher into disclosing whether or not he actually has herpes and possibility broke the law by not disclosing his status to his partners prior to sex so she can pursue damages. This is ambulance chasing at its best. 

Be clear herpes is very common. The CDC reports that 1-6 persons have herpes in the United States. Furthermore, most have not been diagnosed.  Most cases are "subclinical" meaning there are not recurrent symptoms. So lets say, you have never been tested for herpes, but you have been exposed, at the end of the day, unless you test all of your sexual partners, you can't really claim one person. The way it could be narrowed down is with your very first outbreak which usually  appears within 4 days  after exposure but as long as 12 days. Mostly people go through life  with very little clinical manifestations of genital herpes and research shows that recurrent outbreaks lessen over time, unless you are immunocompromise like me.

I mean real talk here. I dated a guy that had a herpes legion on his penis, and I asked him what it was. He told me that it was some kind of skin thing that he get maybe once a year and by the time he thinks about going to the doctor, it's gone. We had the flight from hell, me trying to convince him that it was herpes. That's how many people in the real world deal with herpes.


With three plaintiffs on board, I see a big payday if it proves to be true. Which is my second big problem, for sure I think the methodology is tacky and I'm being nice? This type of strong arming tactics  is extremely problematic and makes it even harder for people living with a STD. The headlines, the memes, the jokes, the speculation all help to create an environment that strengthens stigma and shame. Who would ever want to disclose in this climate, especially a person of means.

I have so much to say as woman living with both HIV and Herpes. I know that I'm walking a thin line between what is legal, politically and ethically correct, but these are some truths that people with an incurable sexually transmitted disease live with everyday.

First of all, I do believe that a person should disclose  to their partner that they are living with a sexually transmitted disease. I believe it creates a foundation of trust from the beginning. It also says to the person, I respect your right to make a choice about your body and life.  Now, I know others,  even physicians who treat HIV, that believe the stigma is so thick it leaves people in isolation and therefore, disclosure should be secondary to getting to know a person. Especially now that a person living with HIV with an undetectable viral load cannot transmit HIV. I wonder how they feel about herpes. I'll do some checking and get back.


So while I think one should disclose early, I also understand the hinderance to disclosure, leaves one walking a tight rope. The  shame and the stigma already attached to STD's and then the personal damage done to a person after disclosure. Remember Charlie Sheen, he disclosed his HIV status and the woman took a picture of his medicine cabinet and blackmailed him. Remember the young girl I blogged about Cicely Boden who was murdered after she disclosed her HIV status. The fear is real. Even me, in my early days, I had to make real sure that a person wasn't going to take my information and use it against me. For sure I was diligent about condom use, but I was trotting a thin line. To tell a man I had herpes was one thing but to tell him I also had HIV, for sure made me hands down look like a whore. When in real life, shit happens and that effects our lives.

Disclosure is tricky, I mean, especially if you're just hookin up. I mean one night stands and hook-ups are trick, trick tricky when it comes to disclosure. Who wants to tell something so personal to someone who you have known for a few hours, or you are not that serious about?  But again, who's having sex like that in 2017? Yes, there was a tad of shaming in my last sentence I admit. Don't get me wrong. I'm not knocking you doing your thang! But for the love of yourself, if you are hookin up, then use a fucking Condom.  I admit, disclosure is one thing and condom use is another and they should both be taken seriously.

But when it comes to disclosure, what about those early days of a potential relationship? How soon do you tell? Before or after you learn that he leaves the toilet seat up. What happens when you tell and learn that his credit score is jacked up, or he's full of shit. When do you tell? Who do you trust with information that can damage your reputation in a matter of minutes? Even after I started disclosing to my partners, I didn't tell my mother until right before the Essence Magazine article was released for fear of being deemed a slut by a mother who never faced that her husband was a child molester.

This is the bottom line, neither of these STD's is a walk in the park. Why not get your groove on and love yourself at the same time. No one has the luxury of sex without a Condom. I was talking to an OBGYN doctor and she said that she makes her husband use a condom. After twenty years of seeing any and everything in her clinics, she's not taking a chance.

More To Come...

On Line Dating Huh???

The other day I Googled dating to get pictures for a blog post and the images that popped up were all of some sort of reference to dating on-line. Like for real, for real, so many pictures came up with computer images with hearts that I rechecked to make sure that I had actually searched dating, or that some sort of auto-correct hadn't led me to online dating. LOL!

A while back you may recall that I blogged about dating and told you about a dating site for people with sexually transmitted diseases called Positive Singles. I talked about being lonely and wanting to date in that two part series. I tried that dating site and while it didn't work well for me, I know someone else who gave it a try and it worked just fine. I think my deal breaker was that I said in my profile, "I'm very public about both my HIV and herpes status." I'm sure most people are on those sites because it's easier to disclose to someone in the same situation, which was my reasoning for joining and blogging about them in the first place. Yet at same time, a person living with a sexually transmitted disease may be struggling with stigma issues. My publicness is not a comfortable place for someone who is living in secret.  I mean, I am infected and I talk about it to everyone who will listen. I'm over  stigma. I'm just waiting on the rest of the world to catch up with me. The other thing, I met Mr. Handsome around the same time I signed up at Positive Singles and I've never been the type of woman, to spread myself thin, so I just deleted my no action account. 

Speaking of Mr. Handsome, I met him online of sorts. It wasn't a dating site but for sure it was online and he knew he was approaching a woman living with HIV/AIDS. It didn't work and that doesn't make him a bad guy, or how we met bad, it just didn't work. Somethings we ought not add value that doesn't belong. So here I am again, alone and sometimes more than others, lonely. 

Meeting guys is an uphill battle for me. Mainly because I spend a lot of time by myself. If you don't go any place you can't meet anyone, a former therapist would always tell me. In full disclosure I will admit that I kind of have "only child syndrome." I like spending time with myself. I've never been one of those people who needed someone to have dinner with or to entertain me. Shoot, I can play monopoly by myself. I got skills! LOL 

Other barriers for me when it comes to meeting men, and going out, is that I don't drink and I hate bars. So what's a 52 year old woman living with HIV/AIDS in the public sphere to do? The hell if I know! I have been wondering though if I should try some of these social dating sites. Not a paid site or anything. I'm not paying anyone to help find me a date. At least I'm saying that today. 

I have a friend that does one free site and have actually gone on a date here or there. But I'm not sure if I have the patience for men winking at me. Like really, I don't know how to make small talk. Everything is always so serious for me. Everything has meaning. I don't see much in life as neutral. This is another reason why friends male or female, dating or otherwise haven't always worked out well for me. I never seem to give it a break, that is life on life terms. Not too many topics seem to be causal for me. Tiara and I go through this a lot, she mentions something and I always have a lecture to add onto the passing topic. 

Okkkkkkk, so what is a woman who sees everything in black and white to do? Should I go ahead and give one of these dating sites more then a week? Again, in full disclosure, I even downloaded an app on my iPad about 2 months ago, but after a week of winks I just deleted the app. Maybe it was timing. I joined the site about 2 weeks before I went back on IV medication and had the Lipo procedure. I was in so much pain and discomfort winking and small talk was not appealing to me.

This online dating/ app thing seems to be the trend. Now I'm still nervous and cautious about these sites. There are sociopaths in this world and dating sites are great turf for liars, but shoot, I've also met liars in church, from the pulpit to the pew.

Maybe I should put my big girl panties on and give one of these sites more than a week or two. I guess I will never really know if I don't give it an honest try. It may at minimum give me something to do other than mope. It will for sure be interesting to see how men approach an HIV infected woman who happens to blog about her life. Or should I even say that I'm HIV Positive in my bio? In past I've siad that I was an AIDS Activist. I signed up for a free weekend trail of Match.Com about 9 or 10 years ago and one brother figured out who I was just by a couple of messages. Google is not my friend. LOL!  Well if I join one of these social dating site, it will definitely give me something to blog about. It may even render a favorable outcome. I don't know for sure, but what I do know is that I will never know, if I don't give it a try. 

Valentine Series: The Dilemma of Dating Postive!

It occurred to me that sometimes I make dating with HIV look easy, but it's not by any stretch of the imagination. I started thinking about this after I received an email last night from a woman with herpes who is afraid to date.

When I was first diagnosed with herpes, I was afraid. I remember trying to get an ex-boyfriend to have sex with me and he flat out turned me down. That was a blow.

Months later, I slowly started to venture out and found that while it was some hard shit disclosing, men actually respected me even more. I lucked up and met a guy that I dated for over a year. But low and behold he had herpes too.

After that relationship was over, disclosing became easier, mainly because I rarely had an herpes outbreak. For a long time I would only have an outbreak once every three years or so. Then came HIV, then came AIDS, then came fame and they were all game changers.

HIV positive people have the fear of rejection but also the burden of the disease.  When I first learned my status I was scared beyond belief. "Who the hell was gonna want me," was all I could think about. I was young, pretty and upwardly mobile - all the things that would make me perfect in the eyes of a man, so I thought, but then came HIV.

I remember right after I was diagnosed with HIV,  I was a hot freaking mess. A guy that I use to talk to moved to Washington where I was staying at the same month. I avoided him like the plague. Then I gave in and had dinner with him one night. I write about this in my memoir, the guilt that swarmed over me having sex with him, and not disclosing my HIV status. But it was so new for me and I was so afraid. The good thing, he was always a condom guy, so I didn't have to convince him to use them, but the guilt I felt was insurmountable, even with "safe sex." After that night I totally shut down and stayed clear of men and dating. 

Then I met this guy that I really liked. I put on my big girl panties and told. Now, how do you tell a person that you have an STD? For sure at the kitchen table with your clothes on. Sexing and disclosing at the same time is dangerous.

Disclosing your status,  there is always the fear of rejection and judgment, "what will he think of me?" But I couldn't see myself making a judgement for another person's body. While I could have rationalized that I'm keeping him "safe" by using condoms, as the saying goes, "shit happens" what if ? ... and I never wanted that burden, so I always disclose.

I fundamentally think that you take away a persons choice when you don't disclose and you have no right to make that decision for another person's body. It just might mean that causal sex gets thrown out the window. Simply because no one really wants to disclose to someone that they are not planning to be serious with, but the fact remains serious or not, that person is baring some risk each time they lay down with you. No one has the right to decide for another person's body. So, hell or high water, I disclose.

And sexing without disclosure in these times that can be dangerous. Remember the young lady Cicely that I blogged about, who was murdered after she disclosed her HIV status but after she had sex with a guy? Read HERE! I don't know what he was thinking when she disclosed, but she for sure took away his choice. He was not infected, but just the thought that you put me at risk without my permission is a hard one to stomach. So now she is dead and he is in jail.

For sure, over time dating with HIV became easier, but disclosing was never easy. Even today, while most men that approach me know that I have HIV, I still have to disclose the herpes. For a long time, I didn't talk about herpes publicly, unless in a gig if someone asked if I ever had another STD. I think I didn't talk about it because I was not affected by it up until 7 years ago when out of nowhere I developed this drug resistant herpes. I'm not gonna to rehash my herpes drama you can read HERE.

Now take the guy I'm talking to now, Mr. Handsome, when he approached me he knew that I had HIV, but I remember about a week in I said to him, "I need to let you know that I have herpes" when I tell you the 5 seconds it took for him to return a response I felt like I was going to suffocate. His response, "I know, I read it in one of your blogs," and he didn't miss a beat, "that's what condoms are for," and we went on to the next topic.

In the twenty-nine years that I have known my HIV status disclosing has never gotten easy. You always think, "What will he think of me. Will he still want me?"

This is what I found. A relationship was easier while I was living in secret with my status. Since my divorce fifteen years ago, dating the public me has been difficult. I have had some relationships but they have been far and few. The fact is, I've had more sex than relationships.

While men still want to have sex with me, my hardest hurdle is the fact that I'm such a public person. Who wants to date a woman when everyone knows she has HIV and herpes.

Just recently one of my mentee's told me that she was talking to a guy and things were going great until some of his boys met and recognized her. They said, "Man you know she use to date, Tom and she gave him HIV and he's dead now."  I'm going to deal with this kind of branding in another blog for sure, but the fact is, the guy backed all the way up once it was clear that others speculated that she was infected.

Not only do I have the burden of being this public person, I blog about my freaking life. So any man that dates me, run the risk that I will blog about where our lives intersect. For sure Mr. Handsome recognizes my gift and supports my work, but the relationship is very young, so there's a part of me that wants to keep him shielded from raw public scrutiny until we get pass this "super new stage". He told me case in point, "I don't give a fuck what a person thinks about me being with you", now that's a man, who is his own man.

For sure dating with a sexually transmitted disease is hard. I don't want you to think I'm bushing over that fact. But honestly up front is always your best bet. Since I've started blogging about my herpes, I've had some people to reach out and say that they are starting to be more comfortable in their skin since I've been blogging about my own herpes drama. I'm glad that my transparency is helping others.

 The bottom line, you will never know if a person is willing to be with you unless you make the attempt. This is what I want you to get, the rejection isn't of you, it's of the disease; the fear of the disease, the lack of education and understanding of the disease but mostly the stigma of the disease.

Now I blogged about dating sites for positive people with STD a while back. I signed up but nothing came of it. In like 2 weeks I had over 500 views of my profile but no conversations that lasted beyond a wink. Then it hit me, I said in my profile that, "I'm a very public person with my status and people will know that you are dating a women with AIDS" DEAD! LOL!

I just went ahead and deleted my profile and honestly, I was already talking to Mr. Handsome and good lawd, he had all of my attention. I don't double dip even in early stages. I want to give him all of my attention so we can bond without other barriers.

But one of my avid readers who is HIV positive reached out to me about Positive Singles for my private opinion.  I told her that she had nothing to lose. The most recent report is that she is actually talking to someone she met on Positive Singles and they were planning to meet soon. So dating sites are an easy place to meet someone positive. At least formalities are out of the way. You both come to he table on equal footing and thats a good thing. Remember, meeting a person does not always mean that you are compatible. You can checkout my blog post on dating positive HERE Part One! Part Two HERE!

As we are all thinking about Valentines Day and the possibility of being alone. I want to encourage all my positive readers: Don't give up on yourself! You deserve the best! The fact is, God woke you up this morning and that means there is still an earthly plan for your life. I believe that there is someone for everyone. Continue to live in your truths and your worth.

Don't let people horde space that don't deserve your worth. There is no need to sacrifice yourself respect for companionship. There is no need to let stigma keep you in a faux of fear. Be clear, your worth is not rooted in your status, but rather in that fact that you were created in God's image, wonderfully made.

I know, I know,  you're  saying,  it's easy for me to say, when I will be spending Valentine's Day with a wonderful man who respects me and likes the fuck out of me. I understand your fear and loneliness.  It's been at least 3 years since I've been on a date and 4 1/2 years since I've had sex. I'm a living witness that if you continue to be your best you, you create a positive energy that will come back to you. Don't give up on yourself because God as not given up on you.

And What About Dating- Part Two

Often times the holidays seems to compound the loneliness and isolation of a single person living with HIV. I know for me this has been the case. No doubt dating with a sexually transmitted disease is hard: The having to disclose; having to explain the how I got to this place; The fear of judgement and rejection. The shame with acknowledging your choices and for some even your culpability in your infection; the self loathing that comes with why you chose to trust the very person that infected you, whether it is HIV or herpes.

Out if my own loneliness and isolation I've been thinking about dating a lot as of lately. People think being this famous woman with AIDS means that I'm not lonely, but at the end of the day I still come home to myself. I have no one to wind down my day, even if with just a phone call. I give so much to help enrich the lives of others but get very little to enrich my own life. This is my situation living with this disease. In my last blog about dating I talked about men willing to date me in private but not public and my decision to shut that down out of self respect and love for myself.

But where does that lead me and how do I meet that special someone? Even as an AIDS Activist I'm still faced with the same issues others with HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases are living with. Disclosing your HIV status to a potential partner is scary. That is true no matter how long you have lived with HIV or how many times you have disclosed or even how public you are. To have that first conversation with someone that you are attracted to is hard and leaves knots in your stomach.

Just recently I told a man after our initial conversation that I had drug resistant herpes. Let me tell you, I didn't exhale until he said, "I read that in one of your blogs," and we went on to the next topic. I like this guy, so we will see where it leads. *giggles* To his testament he didn't drill me on how the hell I ended up with two sexually transmitted diseases. There were no judgments or backtracking on his part. But in those first 60 seconds my mind raced pass the conversation to my own fears. What will he think of me with both HIV and herpes? Will having two diseases be a deal breaker? Even that self-loathing became a part of my mental drama. As I was rambling on about my herpes I was thinking, "Girl how did you end up here?" But at the end of the day you can't change the course of history, all you can do is accept your journey for what it is and try to be your best you with what you got.

So dating is challenging for us all! Since that last blog on dating, I've had so many people reach out to me privately about their own drama around dating with HIV. One woman emailed and asked, "So what about those positive dating sites?

I got to tell you, I see them as an easy way to get pass that first level of fear; rejection. You don't have to have that initial conversation because the person reaching out to you already knows your baseline. Now I've got to be honest, a while back, like 7-8 years ago, I did a free trial weekend for one of those poplar dating sites that advertise on tv, but based on what I said to the guy, he Googled me and that was a deal breaker *shrugs* his loss, because I'm a wonderful woman.

Now recently, I signed up for PositiveSingles.Com.  I wanted to see what they are about for myself since I'm recommending them to you. Now, like I said, I actually met a guy recently and it's very early, not sure where it will lead, good places I hope - so I'm  not sure how long I'll stay on a dating site. I try to have integrity. Plus, I've always been a one man kinda woman.

But what I know for sure about the dating sites is that the person reaching out will at least know your base-line when they send that first email. I think a dating site like this could be a way to get the conversation going and sometimes all you need is an open door. So what the heck, you really have nothing to lose but time. For sure you should work within the parameters of the site and be honest. I mean no point lying on a site where everyone has a sexually transmitted disease. I think it's a level of freedom actually, everyone is at the same starting point.

Think about it this way, you know right off bat that you are not being rejected because of your status. With your status out of the way, you can now go forth and see if there is compatibility. Now let me be honest, everyone with HIV is not going to be a perfect match, sometimes you gotta work through the barrel to find that right apple.

At the end of the day I think that we should fight the isolation that comes with this disease. I also think that we should use all the great tools of modern technology to do so! Each of us deserve to be loved, and none of us deserve to have HIV.  By forcing yourself to live in isolation, you punish yourself and that is not what God wants of us! When we wake in the morning we are still a part of God's earthly plan, so I think we should live our best life while we have a life! 2014 is fast approaching why don't you step out of your comfort zone and see what is waiting on the other side of fear of rejection.

And What About Dating?

A couple of  weeks ago my mentor asked me about my love life. I wasn't expecting the question but I gave an honest answer. It went something like this
“How's your love life?”
“I don't have a love life.”
"Do you want one?"
"Or are you done?"
"Well, I want a dating life but on my terms. I seem to find men who just want causal sex and I want someone to value me. I mean, sex for sex sake just ain't cutting it anymore for me, not at 51 years of age."
"I totally understand,"
"I mean, I am going around the country talking to young women about living whole. I'm just trying to practice what I preach."
"Do you want to get married again?”
“Well, now I think I may be done with marriage,” and we both laughed and continued to clean up the aftermath of Thanksgiving dinner. I've thought about that conversation a lot since Thanksgiving.

The fact of the matter I am still alive and would love some companionship. Call me idealistic but it would be great to listen to Mozart and read a book curled up under a man. I'm just not in the market for quick sex. For sure dating with a sexually transmitted disease (STD) is complicated but not impossible. Over the years, my dating life has taken so many different turns for sure. I remember those early days of HIV when I was living in secret and afraid of rejection. It was the hardest thing on the planet it seemed at the time. To disclose both of my STD's I thought was a hard bill of sale. To tell that I had herpes and HIV was harddddd and clothed with shame. You might be able to explain one mistake, but how do you explain two?

It was scary!! The thought of rejection was scary, but I knew that I couldn't live in isolation for the rest of my life. I also believed that I had a moral obligation to disclose. I just didn't see it as fair to take away a persons choice. At first I was so afraid to date and didn't for months after I was diagnosed with herpes. Then I met a guy that was all that and a bag of chips, so I finally disclosed and low and behold he had herpes also. Go figure! It was hard at first. Our sex life for sure had some road blocks. There were a couple of times when I was having an outbreak and he wasn't and vise-versa. Yet overtime it all seemed to workout. The only problem was, he was working it out with more than me and I don't share.

After him I learned to be more comfortable in my skin with the fact that I had herpes. Then came along HIV.  I had never been rejected even after herpes, "But who the heck would want me now?" I thought. You have to remember this was early in the AIDS Pandemic. HIV had only been around 6 years when I was diagnosed and the HIV antibody test was also new. The HIV antibody test was developed in 1985. I donated blood the winter of 1986 and learned that I was HIV positive the spring of 1987. Back then HIV was the STD of STD's. Who was going to date me? I was afraid beyond anything logical.

Then over time, I had to sink or swim. I couldn’t live in isolation for the rest of my life. I was a wonderful young woman who had a lot to offer. So I bit the bullet. After I became really comfortable with a man and was sure that I wanted to take it to the next level. I would disclose. I thought it important to disclose in a setting that was conducive to an honest discussion, like at the kitchen table with all my clothes on. I learned in those early days that people just wanted you to be honest with them.

I've come a long way since those early days. Married, divorced and dating yet again. My problem today dating with STD's isn't fear of rejection. It's finding a man who don't want to just “hit it and quit it,” as the young people say, but someone who wants to share a meal and listen to Mozart with me. Someone to cheer me on as I do this work around HIV/AIDS. Someone who isn’t ashamed to be dating “the woman with AIDS.”

I’ve learned over the years that it was so much easier for my dating life when my HIV status was a well kept secret. Then a man could date me without fear of judgment. People thought for sure that my ex-husband had HIV, which of course he didn’t. Now don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with two people with a STD dating, in fact it may even be an easier conversation. Thier is even an online dating matching service called Positive Singles.

My problem is, I tend to attract men who are not infected, who want to be with me, but are afraid of the “public” me, so they cling to the private me. Anyone who knows me, knows that I declared those days over years ago. If you cant walk with me in the daylight, we can't hug in the dark. I’m just saying!!

So here I am again, thinking about dating and wondering what my future holds. I’m so comfortable in my skin. Thank God that all my therapy has made me a better woman for me. Now if a man comes along and sees my value and respects my worth, it’s a date.