Shaming Around HIV/AIDS is a MOTHERFUCKER!

I'm taking a break from work over the Holiday, but I felt in my spirit that I needed to address this before the year is out! The month of January on this blog will be about being your best you! So I needed to say this now because some shit I just don't want to take with me into 2013!

I am so bothered by the stigma and shaming around HIV/AIDS! It is an absolute MOTHERFUCKER! It is crazy that in 2013 someone can spread rumors and use the POSSIBILITY of someone having HIV/AIDS against them. It speaks loud and clear toward the attitudes that people have not only about this disease, but the people who have it. And I'm going on record, I will stomp that shit out every time it comes to me.

It came to me on yesterday A male friend who I have become friendly with, "talking," to, whatever you want to call it, told me that a family member of there's is spreading the rumor that he has HIV and that's the reason he wants to be with me.

Now this person is spreading this rumor to hurt both of us I'm sad to say. Now, I don't much really care because what I know for sure, whatsoever a person sows that shall they also reap. But I'm not so super saved that I can't see a situation or a person for what they are. A narcissistic, sociopath is just that and they spend most of their life trying as best as they can to wreck havoc over a persons life that they cannot control! That's a fact! I'm NOT CONTROLLABLE another FACT! 

So in this blog post, I'm not focused on that issue or that person. I'm just going to put her ass in a box and throw some Holy Oil her way and say a Prayer. When someone shows you who they are, you better believe that shit, or you deserve whatever they bring your way.

What I really want to unpack is this. Yes, on one level it's some wild, mean and crazy shit that a person would try to destroy another person by saying that they have AIDS, when in fact they do not. But it's an entirely other issue when a person can actually use that against someone. It says something about the person who is listening to the gossip. It speaks to small minds. The fact that HIV/ADS can be used against someone speaks to how people feel about HIV and the people who have it.

Now, If someone told me that a family member or someone I knew close to me had AIDS. First off, I would stop them in their messy shit right there! Especially if they bring it to me wrap around bullshit. Bullshit is what it is, and when you participate you stink up your life too.  For example, recently, I was talking to a mentee about this guy that was trying to,"talk" to her and as soon as she added the business of another woman in the equation, I STOPPED her. I said," I don't want to hear that shit, it's none of my business or yours."

Secondly, that's not your information to tell!  How dare you?

And how the fuck do you know? Have you seen an HIV test result? Have you been spying on them when and with whom they fuck? Are you assuming it because they like someone with HIV?

Or are you mad because the infected person don't want to fuck you? It's like the boy in high school that spreads the rumor that a girl is a whore, because she won't give them the time of day.

Thirdly, lets take it to the next level, I would say, so fuckin what? Why are you telling me this; so that WE can help them or is this information sharing to create messy shit? And why would you create messy shit for someone you claim that you love?

And why do YOU believe them? Because they are smart and nice? Well, all sociopaths are. Ted Bundy was a raising star in the Republican Party and was killing women for fun. That's what they do, live, excellent, high functioning lives, but try to control everything and everyone around them. Sometimes with gifts, other times with their mouth and quiet charm. Everything they do is about control, everything is about them, even when they are trying to say it's about you, every word out their mouth is for them. You can't see pass narcissistic, charm, but you can EXAMINE YOUR damn self!  

You need to check yourself! Why is this information juicy to me? What am I going to do with it and why?

The only conversation I MIGHT have  depending on how they bring it to me, is how are we going to help them? How are we going to support them and make life better for them? Not use it as a tool against them to keep shit going.

A person can only use HIV/AIDS against someone, if YOU feel a certain way about HIV and people with HIV. If you see HIV as ugly, rather than a health issue that needs support, then the information becomes  one of accusatory... Accusation....

The fact of the matter, accusatory and accusation mode is some uneducated, antiquated shit. We are 33 years into the AIDS pandemic. There have been so many medical advances around HIV/AIDS. There is so much knowledge, too much, for someone to still be operating in the ugly with HIV. Get the hell out of is a time capsule and advance your thinking with technology.

ME! See Fine!

A family member asked my friend would they actually have sex with me? And he said yes because he has EDUCATED himself on HIV/AIDS.

He knows that a latex condom used 100% of the time correctly prevents the spread of HIV.

Yes, because the chance is about 3% that an HIV infected person who takes their medication and who have a non-detectable viral load, (ALL of which I have) would infect that person, EVEN IF we DON'T use condoms.

Yes, because a non-infected person can actually take the newly approved Truvada and it would give even extra assurance of preventing a person from contracting HIV.

Me! See Fine!

Yes, because I'm an educated, beautiful, compassionate, loving, woman who loves God! Yes, because he does not live in the spirit of discrimination and judgment but God's love. 

Yes, because I have done more with my life these 30 years with HIV then some people without HIV.

Yes because I have 27 years of education, gifted, anointed, smart, with a wonderful spirit and fine ass shit.. Just look at my pictures if you are confused on that fact! With AIDS, I'm still a BAD BITCH! Don't be confused! Nor am I ashamed of who I am, what I have, or how I use my life to help others.

The shaming around HIV/AIDS is mad! The fact is, we are a few days from 2013, this is NOT 1994 when I first got married and people believed and gossiped that my ex-husband must have HIV because he married me. He did not have HIV and to assume that I should not be loved because I have HIV is some cold hearted shit or to assume that the only person who would want me is someone with HIV is some narrow minded shit.

NO make-up and still Fine!

SHAMING around HIV/AIDS is mad! This kind of narrow minded was also a fact,  interestingly, when I divorced my ex-husband 15 years ago. Women wanted to know why would I leave a man who was willing to marry me with AIDS, as to say, "You know you ain't gonna get anyone else."

Why?  Because his ass was cheating; because his ass had stop speaking and was spending MY money on women; because he wanted to push! My mama beat my ass ain't no man gonna do it! Simply stated, I am NEVER going to let HIV run my life to the extent that I make unhealthy choices for myself. AIDS had not killed me, I wasn't going to let my ex-husband kill me either. So I divorced him.

But don't be confused, finding a sexual partner has been the least of my problem. Men are willing to fuck me! I have even had men with girlfriends and wives want to fuck. Yep, finding someone to fuck me is the least of my problems. My problem is that single men don't want anyone to know they fucking me because of what YOU may think of them for wanting to be with me.  SHAMING around HIV/AIDS is mad! I actually honor my friend that sees me for  the wonderful woman that I am, and is NOT ashamed of me nor afraid of me because they live in an educated understanding of HIV/AIDS.

NO SHAME! 

And be CLEAR I decided about 10 years ago, if you can't walk with me in the park in the delight, you can't have no pussy in the dark! So if their was some shame, he would not have gotten pass the second conversation with me.

 I LOVE me more than having a man in my life at any cost! Bullshit ain't nothing.

This stigma and shaming around HIV has got to STOP! The fact that someone can even use HIV/AIDS as fuel against someone 33 years into this pandemic shows how far we have got to go! How do we call ourselves Christians and listen to gossip and then repeat that shit like you know it to be true. And then bring that madness to the person like the person who told you got some inside scoop on who they fuck and when. Child PLEASEEEEE

And for those who actually do have family and friends living with HIV/AIDS, why are you talking to everyone else about it but the person living with it? People need to get it together!  STOP the SHAMING! 

This Isolation has got to STOP! 

Stigma and shaming around HIV/AIDS is mad business and it creates an environment that keep BLACK folks with 52% of the HIV cases in the US and we are 12% of the population. It puts us in a position where we 

1) Don't get tested because of how we treat people living with HIV. Who would want to know their HIV status in a world where someone can use it against them?

2) We don't disclose our HIV status when we do know and that isolation leads to depression which leads to even more unhealthy behavior and or not taking care of themselves.

3) Because we don't get tested, we infect others. 38% of all new cases are people infected by people who did not know that they had HIV.

4) We don't get treated until we have already developed AIDS because we never got tested. Which means you can't benefit from early treatment and care. Fact; The earlier you know the longer you live!

5) And those who do know they are infected don't take there medication regularly and seek medication treatment because they don't want people seeing them take their medication or going into an AIDS clinic for why YOU may think of them!

Stigma and Shaming around HIV/AIDS has got to STOP! We are killing each other with our fucking mouths!!

Prima Donna No More: Facing HIV Discrimination

It felt like he had just slapped me in the face. His words hit harder than my Mama’s worst beating. I stood there frozen with this blank stare on my face. Awkward silence filled the air. He spoke again and it snapped me back to the reality of it all. “Uh, let me go double check with the tattoo artist,” he said nervously. “OK,” slowly came out of my mouth.

 As he walked away, I began reading the consent form that he had set in front of me. When I reached number three on the form, my eyes were glued to that spot. I read it over and over and over. It did say what I thought it said: “I agree that I do not have HIV.” “But I do have HIV,” I whispered to myself. 

The guy behind the counter who was waiting on me returned and snapped me out of it yet again. “Yes miss, the tattoo artist said NO. We don’t tattoo people with HIV.” He gave me back my driver’s license, picked up the consent form and gave me this silly “I’m sorry,” he said, "I’ll shred this.” Clearly this guy had no idea who I was and frankly at that moment the rule was the rule. We DON'T tattoo people with HIV.  Rae Lewis-Thornton and all I have HIV so a name meant nothing to him at that moment. 

I turned to my friends Deidre and Jason looking like I had been crushed. I could see by the expression on their faces that they had overheard the conversation. Shame swept over me, but I whispered to them anyway, “He told me that I couldn't get the tattoo because I have HIV.”

We walked out in silence and Deidre gave me a tight hug and whispered, “I’m sorry.” Jason and I got in the car and I drove in silence. After about 5 minutes I said “J, that’s weird. I went into the tattoo parlor on 12th Street and they told me that they do tattoo people with HIV all the time.” Jason felt helpless he could see my pain, but he just didn't know and he said so. 

My mind starting racing and silence filled the air yet again. In that five minutes of silence,  Shame, Confusion, Disappointment, and then Anger built up inside of me; but Anger pushed the others to the side.

“J,” I broke the silence again, “I think they just discriminated against me.” He said hesitantly, “You’d know better than me.” Then he suggested, “Let’s call some other places and see if you can get it somewhere else. "To hell with them!" He added. That was a good idea, so we both started calling other tattoo places and asked, If a person has HIV could they get a tattoo? After calling three tattoo parlors we received the same answer, “Yes, come on in.”

Driving down Chicago's Lake Shore Drive, I became a MAD BLACK WOMAN. All of my political fight came over me. I had not lived this long with HIV to get kicked in the gut. And to think I picked this African-American owned Tattoo Polar just to patronize them. Deidre had been talking about the good work that had done on a piecing for her, so I decided to give them a try.

I felt this uneasiness inside of me and I needed to know the truth. Had they broken the law or where they just some discriminating ass-wholes? 

I called information and got the telephone number to the AIDS Legal Counsel. I told the receptionist what happened. I was then connected to a lawyer. After I described the incident, she confirmed that I had indeed been discriminated against. They had violated the Americans with Disabilities Act, Chicago Human Rights Ordinances, as well as the State of Illinois Human Rights Act.

She then asked my name. “Rae Lewis-Thornton,” I mumbled. “Excuse me?" She hollered with excitement.  "Rae Lewis-Thornton the AIDS activist?” “Yes, that would be me,” I mumbled.

“WOW!” Ann Hilton Fisher exclaimed, “You have got to file a complaint! We need you on this one.” “Are you kidding me?” I thought. She had just hit me with a curve ball that I was not ready for. She could sense my hesitation. Ann started talking again, “You know Rae, you have been a prima donna with AIDS. Everyone likes you because you are on TV and the cover of magazines. Welcome to the real world.”

This was the real world. The new discrimination is covert, small things that people take for granted every day. Like getting a tattoo or having a massage. I understood what she was saying, but it was a lot to think about. Getting that tattoo was something very personal. I didn't really want anyone to know, now I was being asked to go public. I went home and curled up on the sofa and cried until I couldn't cry anymore. It was all too overwhelming.

By 11:00 that night my head was pounding from crying and my spirit had taken a beating. I had to Man Up and face a realization that day. Being on the cover of a magazine and having an Emmy Award couldn't change the fact that I have been discriminated against, just like many other people living with HIV/AIDS.

This is still a reality in the 21st century. It was my reality just a few years ago. But somewhere between mourning the prima donna, and wallowing in self pity, super woman kicked in. I picked up the phone and called Jason, “Hey, let’s go to Jade Dragon.” “Tonight?” he asked? “Yes, tonight! I am not going to let them win. We made our we to the other tattoo parlor and Jason held my hand. Midway, the pain was so great I wanted to quit, but now I needed to prove a point.

The next morning me and my sore backside made it to AIDS Legal Council and began the process of filling a complain. They had messed with the wrong person. I was mad as hell!   When I walked out of the law office that afternoon I was so proud of myself and I wanted to tell all my friends. As the day went on, my bubble started to burst. So it seemed that many of my friends thought I was in the wrong to file the complain. "Well Rae, blood is present when you get a tattoo," was all  that I heard, all day long.

I started to feel isolated....

To Be Continued :)

Overcoming Shame...

Having herpes is literary a pain between my legs that goes straight up to my heart and effects everything there is about me from my health to my self-esteem.

It leaves me helpless and hopeless. But most of all, the shame that I have is insurmountable. I think at the core is the insensitively that people have for those with sexually transmitted disease. I say it to myself, so I know others must say it, "It that heifer had kept her legs closed, she wouldn't have herpes; she wouldn't have AIDS."

Having to tell someone that I am sick and then take that deep breath as they wait to hear more, is a painful journey every single time I do it.

Having to explain to my Pastor today that I'm sick yet again was like being kicked straight in my freakin gut. Of course he's compassionate and a pretty progressive man, but I can't help to think what people may think of me, including him. I mean I am a minister and a member of the ministerial team at my new church.

Just at the base line, how do you support someone who has a very serious and chronic sexually transmitted disease?  How do you separate how they got there to how you can help them?

For that matter, how does anyone support me specifically? This thing is crazy for me; just plain old crazy. It's not "normal" herpes. It's herpes complicated by AIDS. On one level I ask, how does one leave their judgment at the door and on the other, once done, how do you continue to support such an ongoing chronic illness? I almost hate to say that I'm having another outbreak. It's like, "Here we go again." But this is my life and there is no place for me to hide. I have to endure, even if you choose not to. It is what it is.

Typically I don't give a damn what people think of me, but there's something about herpes that I haven't yet been able to conquer.

The fact is, I contracted herpes in college. The fact is, having AIDS has complicated my herpes. My impaired immune system has literary become a feeding ground for herpes. The fact is, I have to take an anti-viral medication intravenously to rid my body of herpes each time I have an outbreak.

The fact is, the anti-viral medication Foscarnet is aggressive and a very hard medication to take. My regimen is 2 hours a day, twice a day.

The side-effects are equally hard, diarrhea, nausea, fatigue that's so bad some days washing my tail is an effort and cooking a meal is out of the question, also Kidney damage and burning when I use the bathroom. It's exhausting physically and emotionally. Not to mention that I hurt like shit right between my legs. I don't want nothing to touch my vulva and I mean nothing.

The fact is, this is all medical related. There is no way around the fact that developing drug resistant herpes 5 years ago has effected my health greatly.

I've had so many picc lines in my left arm that it has created so much scaring, which has now caused a blockage going to my central vein from the left. Now, the doctor wants me to get a medi port permanently placed. It's either that or make my way to the right arm until thats been damaged like the left and then I would have no other choice.

This is all medical, clinical and there should be no shame in the fact that I am having a health crisis.

Yes, I said having. It's been a month since I had my last round of IV medication for 19 days. I was hoping, even praying that herpes wouldn't come back anytime soon. But the fact is, I had a really bad cold a week ago and that weaken my immune system even more and left me vulnerable, so now I've been developing a new herpes sore over night for the last two days, but I started to have the flu like symptoms caused by herpes on Sunday, just as I was ahead of the clod.

So I start IV medication as soon as I get the medi port straight, probably next week some time. In the meantime, I just have to endure the pain and the spread of the infection until we can begin to put it in check.

It's crazy that I have AIDS and I have no shame but yet herpes has some kind of hold on me. For people to know that I have this aggressive infection between my legs does something to my womanhood. It makes me feel dirty on some level.

But yet, the secret of why I was on IV medication was killing something inside of me, so after 3 long years, I told. I figured that I needed all the good emotional health I could get to deal with the IV medication, that I didn't need the burden of the secret.

So I told... I'm glad I told, but I seem to be stuck somewhere in the ugly of this disease. I'm not sure what it will take to get me to a better place; probably time.

There was a hope and a prayer that this nightmare would go the hell away. But today it seem to have been made permanent when the doctor suggested that I get the medi port.

It was a very sad moment for me. I'm in what appears to be a cycle that seems to dominate my life. AIDS is here to stay. My immune system took a serious hit in those early days, now this herpes infection wrecks havoc on my body and yes my spirit because of the environment created by AIDS. It's enough to have to contend with AIDS, but both of them together, feels like hell on earth some days.

There is nothing worst than feeling that burning tingle between my legs that says, "Im back!" Just like in some horror movie when the monster just keeps coming back, no matter how dead you think he is.

Not only do I have to contend with the emotional and the physical drama each time I have an outbreak, but while I'm on IV medication, all my projects lag behind herpes. The IV regime is so aggressive, I operate at sub-standard and that in and of itself creates something sad inside of me.

I'm so affected by this herpes, in so many different ways. I hate what it is doing to my life. I HATE it! I HATE that I have this shame associated with it too. I may not know how to get over this shame, but I know for sure, holding the secret fosters an even more unhealthy environment. So I will continue to talk about it until I can get to a better place.

What I do know for sure; naming it, is a road to healing....

The Horror of HIV/AIDS: The Murder of Cicely

HIV/AIDS is one scary ass illness. In contemporary times, for sure it's one illness that has made people think irrationally, including me. But how could we not, with those early images of ghostly looking white men who lined the walls of hospitals around the country. This mysterious "Gay Disease" as doctors called it, scared reason out of everyone, from doctors to nurses to mothers to fathers to ministers, even the undertaker was scared to bury the dead.

I remember in 1984 during the Democratic primary, just two years into the pandemic Rev. Jesse Jackson would visit these AIDS hospices where mostly gay men were sent to die. He would even spend the night at one hospice as a way to show compassion for the throw-away of society. Ronald Reagan was President and he hadn't even mentioned AIDS out of his mouth and the death toll was raising beyond anything we understood.

People were in panic mode for sure. There were news reports that people had burned a house down of a person known to have AIDS. In a small town in Indiana, they kicked little Ryan White out of school. Doctors and nurses refused to touch people with this mysteries disease that the medical journals coined GRID (Gay Related Infectious Disease).

The early images and information on AIDS in the 80's spilled over into the 90's and it stuck to us like gorilla glue.

By the time Magic Johnson went public with his HIV status I had known mine for five years. In that five years I had held my infection close to my heart. The burden of living with my infection in secret I felt, was better than being a outcast in society. My career as a political organizer was growing. I was in graduate school working on my masters in Political Science, with my eyes on a PhD and I couldn't afford to let little minds stop me from my goals, so I choose carefully who I told. I even stayed in a unhealthy relationship for 4 years with a man 25 years my senior for fear of being alone. He had accepted my HIV status and I figured that I might as well leave well enough alone.

While Magic was being ostracized by his fellow NBA teammates, my upward mobile friends where cracking jokes about HIV and I sat in silence and suffered. Treatment was mediocre at best and AIDS was a death sentence for sure.

The first 10-15 years of this disease was ugly and so was society. But now we are 32 years into the AIDS pandemic and the medical advances have been nothing short of a miracle. Times have changed and so has HIV/AIDS, so why haven't we changed? I woke the other morning with a news report of a woman being murdered after she disclosed her HIV status to her partner.

I can image what went through Cicely Bolden's mind, I know because I've been there. You meet a guy and you like him. You really like him. You want to tell him that you have HIV but you are afraid of rejection. I mean no one wants to be alone. You have those butterflies in your tummy all the time, so it seems. You know you should tell him, but you just can't bring yourself to do it. I remember once in my early days, I was "this" close to having sex. We started out kissing and cuddling and I could feel his penis raise. OMG, I liked this guy, he was rich and successful and had been working on me for months. He was in town visiting and as we lay on that plush bed, in that plush five star hotel I was in absolute turmoil.

I played every scenario in my head. if I tell him now with his hard dick pressed against my body how would he react? I was old enough to know that you don't play dick and pussy with a man.

If you don't want to fuck, then you shouldn't do the things with him that leads to fucking. Yes, no should be no, but by the same token, a woman must take ownership of who she lets feel between her legs. LADIES, feeling between your legs and on your breast sends the single you want to fuck. That's the bottom fuckin line. Stop playing dick and pussy, its very dangerous.

But back to the topic at hand. I mean, I had wanted to tell him before it got that far, but the words just wouldn't come out of my mouth. He got harder and harder and I started to panic. I felt it was morally wrong to not disclose my status, but we had gone so far how do I stop?

 But had we really gone to far? We were both still clothed and I knew that I had to act fast. I just knew it. I also knew that this was not the time to tell. You don't have a serious conversation when the dick is hard and the pussy is wet. Boundaries should be established before he ever touch your breast. Touching should only occur when you've had an adult conversation, like do you have a sexually transmitted disease?  Have you ever had a sexually transmitted disease? How do you feel about condom use? This conversation must take place very early in every relationship. And if you are not mature enough to have it, then you are not mature enough to have sex.

So I was literally stuck between a rock and a hard place. He laid on top of me, grinding his hard dick against my body and I lay their in chaos. I knew I had to bite the bullet. I just knew it. I whispered,
"I can't. I can't do this."
"Huh?"
"I can't, I'm not ready." I mumbled.
"Ain't you on the pill?" He asked.
At that moment I knew there was a God. This was my way out. "No I whispered." There was a deep sigh and he rolled off my body.

That was the last time I saw him. Not because he didn't try, but because I preferred to walk away rather than being outright rejected. He would later learn my HIV status like many others, when I told my story on the cover of Essence magazine.

I understand what must have gone through Cicely's head. It had probably gone to the point of no return and she just didn't know how to say it. Then after the sex, she started to feel remorse. She needed to be honorable. And honestly it's never to late to do right a wrong. So she told. She told. She told. She told; And telling caused her life.

He said, "She killed me, so I killed her." My most fundamental question is how did we get to this place 32 years into the AIDS pandemic that a lack of education and fear of rejection would cause a life? Read More Here

Yes it was morally wrong for Cicely to not disclose up front, but it should not have caused her life.

The Facts Stand For Themselves

1. It's 20 to 1 that a woman will infect a man. The fact of the matter about 15% of the men in the United States are infected because they had a sex with a woman. Men infect woman, woman rarely infect men. Most men in this country are infected from having sex with another man or through the sharing of needles with someone who has HIV.

2. The latest research is clear. If a person is infected with HIV and their viral load is non- detectable it's about a 2-3% chance that they would infect their partner, even if they use NO condom.

3. If a person knows that they have been exposed to HIV and seek a prophylaxis treatment with 72 hours it will reverse the HIV.  They can take a HIV medication cocktail for 30 days and it will destroy the HIV in their body.

So you see, the chances that he is actually infected are slim to none. And they could have acted fast and put him in a preventable treatment just on GP. That's why HIV education is important for both the infected and the uninfected.

And it must be said, AIDS is no longer the death sentence it use to be. With EARLY diagnoses ( thats why testing is important) proper treatment, care and COMPLIANCE a newly infected person can live with HIV for years. These are all facts!

So how did we get to this point? Like For real... For real? Like don't everyone know what I know about HIV? It's not just about lack of education but about the stigma and shame that still overshadows all common sense around HIV.

We have got to move beyond the stigma and ugliness around HIV/AIDS. We must do it as a nation and as a people. African-Americans we must get a grip. I say this because African-Americans are 52% of all HIV cases in the United States and we are 12-14% of the population.

1. Families must stop talking about those in their families infected with HIV and start talking to them.
2. We have to create an environment where people are willing to disclose their HIV Status from our families, home to our churches.
3. In fact, we must create an environment where it's even ok to know your HIV status.
4.  Pastors must stop preaching condemnation from the pulpit and begin to preach the love of Jesus. Pastor Jakes said last Sunday that we show we are a Christian, when we love our neighbor as ourselves.
5. Testing must take places in our churches, organizations and in our homes. Make it a family affair, make it a sorority and fraternity affair. Everyone of the age of consensual sex should be tested. The more we make it ok to know our status, the more people will feel free to tell their status. 
6. Pastor's must talk about HIV/AIDS from the pulpit about HIV as a health issue and also make sure that their members have all the practical information about sex, not just the biblical information. For some, it's takes a minute or two for salvation to catch up with their living. 
7. Education for people will HIV must become a part of the equation. 
8. Traditional AIDS organizations must step up to the plate like they did in the early days of the pandemic when white men were being buried everyday
9. We must all become a part of the solution and stop being a part of the problem. We must examine our own lives and communities and ask the most basic question of what must I do to help bring about change, to end, stigma and shame. We must all help to create an environment where HIV is viewed as a health issue and not modern day leprosy.

I have so much more that I could say. This is Real Talk people.... We are killing ourselves and each other. When are we going to take the horror out of HIV? I am sad beyond belief that Cicely's life was taken for no good reason. This is madness at it's best.  Rest In Peace Cicely...

Driving The Midwest! YESSS! The Grand Prize!

I remember when I was working heavy in politics back in the 80's you couldn't catch a progressive politician in a foreign car. Even Rev. Jesse L. Jackson drove a Buick. Well, that was the family car and what he rode in back and forth to PUSH and to the airport. Mrs. Jackson drove it mostly.

The Jackson's only had one car and Rev. Jackson would go get a new one every two years and it would always be the same Buick. We cracked up one year when he came home with a different color of the same car. Us young folks would laugh and laugh, thinking he was way old fashion.

Then in 1984, I went on the campaign trail during the Democratic primary and met many of the workers who actually built these cars. I listened to their stories as they told them to Jesse Jackson, then a presidential candidate. I started to understand why Rev. Jackson never diverted from American made cars. Buying one meant that we helped to feed our own. At my core, I understood the importance of Made in the USA, but something happened along my way.

Well, call it buppyism. By the time I was 32, I was driving a BMW, the ultimate in the statement car. And I rationalized it in spite of what I felt was right by saying, "Germans makes the best cars." When asked, I would mumble, "American technology needs to catch up with the rest of the world."

Grandmama had one just like this!

 I know we've all said it at one time or the other, so STOP lying. Then I watched in horror at the possibility that American made cars would be something of the past and then with a sigh of relief our government thought it was worth saving; not just because we have a rich history in the automotive industry, but we also save jobs for thousands of Americans.

Somewhere between one of my BMW's I started to take notice. My last car was a Jaguar the once British, now American made vehicle. But honestly, I never really paid serious attention to GMC/Chevy until recently.

Connie in the all black... BBSumitt

I first started paying attention when I met Connie Burke the Social Media Guru at GMC. I was hanging out at a Tweet-up with my good girlfriend/blogger Dwana.  It wasn't a vehicle I saw that day that got my attention, but a program that I thought was admirable called, Chevy Missions. I really started to pay attention. You know I'm a sucker for a good cause. In the months after, I would see Connie at other Social Media events and get a peek inside of the GMC/Chevy vehicles she had on hand. I was impressed. Then last year, Connie asked me if I would like to have a car for a week. It came right on time. That Buick LaCrosse was wonderful!!  You can read about my Thanksgiving ventures driving a Buick HERE.

So this time, I reached out to Connie. Living on Chicago's Gold Coast, I don't always need a car, but I this Tweet-Up requires one. Cause let me tell you, my first Tweet-up I did 90% of the running around picking up raffles and swag bags items on the bus, walking and taxi. I was not trying to do that this time around.

So I thought I would reach out to Connie. They have another program that I love and I thought this would be a chance to give them some PR. GMC Our Town, Our Heroes is a wonderful program. It allows people to nominate individuals from their community that are making a difference.  The winner gets a vehicle for a week and a $500.00 gift card. Here are the details....

Our Town, Our Heroes information:

• Our Town, Our Heroes is an Illinois-based program seeking to recognize and reward local heroes making a difference in their community.
• Each month, we feature nominated finalists and showcase them on DrivingtheMidwest.com for a two-week voting period.
• The public chooses the winner by voting for the hero they think is the most inspiring.
• The winning hero, and his or her nominator, wins a one-week loan of an all-new General Motors vehicle. The winning hero also receives a $500 gift card.
• Nominations are easy – submit a photo and a short description on why your hero inspires you on DrivingtheMidwest.com

Markeeda's Car!

Now that's Cool!! If you know someone who is worthy, Nominate them HERE. I think it's a wonderful thing that GMC/Chevy are giving back to the communities that have helped to make them a house hold name over the years. I know that was true for my family. The only car my grandmother ever owned was a Cadillac and now my BFF Markeeda drives a Cadillac CTS. These types of programs by GMC/Chevy are America at our best; when we not only take notice of our community, but we give back.

You must checkout the Our Town, Our Heroes Program, I know there is someone that you know that is worth the recognition. There are so many unsung heroes, who do the work daily to help enrich the lives of others. I think it's great and GMC thinks so too.

I'm also honored that GMC/Chevy are partnering with me. Y'all know I am a tad provocative on Twitter and in this Blog, but my ministry is meeting people where they are at, right in their heart and gut. I'm always elated when a company does not mind attaching their brand to my work. At the core, there is still so much stigma around HIV/AIDS. When a brand supports my work, they are taking a stand against this stigma.

So let me tell you, I've been driving this wonderful Terrain Truck around all week, picking up the raffle prizes and all the goodies for the swag bags thanks to GMC. But guess what?  You could also win a chance to drive around a GMC/Chevy Vehicle. YESSSS! The grand prize raffle at my Book Signing, Meet/Tweet-Up is a one week free use of a vehicle. You MUST be 21 to enter with an Illinois Driver's license. You MUST be there at the time of the drawing to win!

I have rules to enter and GMC/Chevy have rules to enter

RLT Rules--- All The Links Are Live... You can just click them there.

1. Follow on Twitter @ThisisGMC

2. Follow on Twitter @DrivingMidwest

3. Follow on Twitter @ConnieBurke

3. Follow on Twitter @DonnasCafe

4. Like on Facebook Our Town-Our Heros

5. Like on Facebook Donna's Cafe

5. At The Event you must take pictures and or video of the Terrain that will be parked in front of Donna's Cafe and Tweet, Instgram  Facebook them. We want to know what you like best about the Terrinn AND what you think about them partnering with me/RLTEvent... I want some creativity Lovely's! The Hash Tags #GMCRLT #FightHIVStigma

You can ONLY enter after you have done all the above things the evening of the Tweet-Up and we will look...  Event Details HERE!

GMC/Chevy Rules

1. You Must Be Twenty-One Years of Age.

2. You must have a current Illinois Drivers License

3. You will win a one-week loan of a General Motors vehicle. Please know vehicles are subject to availably

4. You must book your loan within six weeks of the event date August 25, 2012

Monday Reflection: I CAN'T with Nasty Ass UGLY!

I CAN'T! I just CAN'T with these people! Be CLEAR, I moved beyond the shame of having HIV when I appeared on the cover of Essence magazine!  The NASTY ASS UGLY that comes to me on this blog, is sickening! It only shows me how fucking far we have got to go. When I woke up this morning at 5:30 this comment was waiting for me. I glanced at my e-mails and I couldn't go back to sleep.

Here's the Comment...
my husband and i were sitting here laughing at your story bout how you want a man, seriously doe...and he said that you need to seal that nasty pussy off for good! for real doe, nobody will take you seriously, and only a crazy man would accept that funky thang girl! thats fo real, but keep on postin yo biz if it makes u feel better an dont be mad when i post back. feel sorry for u honey your life seems to sux

So it's 5:51 and I'm going to try to write this blog before I explode. I'm not going to reduce this response to my pussy, all I'm going to say about that is, tell me that shit or any man that I have dated, face to face. Be CLEAR, I am not responding for me, I'm responding for EVERY Person who is living with HIV/AIDS in the world. I have a lot of international people who read my blog with HIV and I will NOT allow you to make them feel little or deter them from coming back.

 I am not ashamed of one part of me, not my face, or my vagina. Are we still living in the dark ages? I know some of you will say, it's just her, the one that made the comment. I should ignore her.  She's small; yes she and her husband are small. They seem like a perfect match.  #ForReal. But at the end of the day, all it takes is for one small person to sling hate to make it OK and  if we stay silent in the face of hate before you know it, Hitler is ruling. If I weren't so mad I would cry.

This comment speaks volumes to why people with HIV do not disclose their HIV status, even to their family until they are on their death bed. I'm not talking about with their sexual partners; statics show that the majority of people with HIV will tell and do tell their partners. It's a mutual secret that they both live with. I know that to be true in my own life. I did that the first seven years that I knew my HIV status. I told men that I dated, but in 7 years I only told 7 friends that I had HIV, and no family, as little family as I had at the time.

The shame we feel is insurmountable. To know that you have this infection inside of you, this health condition that people despise and you can't get rid of is a heavy load to carry daily. The fear of rejection and judgments is like a cast iron skillet lying on your heart.

 Ok, let me be honest, I just stopped writing and cried. I cried for the every person living with HIV in secret; for every person living with HIV alone. I cried for the 63 year old woman who has written me, but has told NO one that she has HIV. I cried for the 43 year old woman whose mother takes her to the clinic, but won't go in. I cried for my Soror, who is living in secret and feels isolated.  I cried for the man from Uganda who wrote me to say, my blog helps him not feel so alone.

 I cried for my girlfriend Wunadra, a doctor herself, who was too ashamed to allow her colleagues to see her take her medication. Who never told her pastor, although she and her husband who is negative, were leaders in the church. The shame killed her. Inconsistency in her treatment because of fear of being found out, made her HIV resistant and aggressive and that killed her.

I cried for my best friend from high school Tory who was too ashamed to disclose his HIV status, he would wear baggy clothes in public and pee in a jar at night so his roommate wouldn't see how thin he had become. AIDS ravaged his body and the shame kept him so isolated that he didn't seek help.  When they took him to the hospital there were jars of urine under the bed. We all learned his HIV status when he was hospitalized and he died a week later. I promised him on his death bed that I would give him voice through my story until the day I die.

I was working on this blog yesterday morning, but I had to step away from it and get my spirit and attitude right. I don't want what I say to be about the attack on me and my right or ability to date. Honestly, my feelings were really hurt and my BFF Markeeda said that people have said worst things to me on this blog and they have.

This comment took me back to everything I thought those first years that I learned that I had HIV. No one would want me. No one should want me! Who would hire me? What would people think of me? Will they see me as a whore? Will all my RESPECTABILITY go out the window with HIV?  I knew if  Mama learned that I had HIV it would serve as more fuel for her denial. Instead of addressing the fact that her husband was  a sick pervert, I would continue to be the whore in her mind. All of these things made me guard my health condition with my life and all the energy I could muster up. I spent more energy guarding my secret, rather than learning about HIV and what was happening to me. I wouldn't dare read an article on HIV for fear that someone would think I had HIV from just reading about it.

HIV is the modern day leprosy, we just wear our shame on the inside and it is sealed in our hearts. The shame is a heavy burden. This has got to CHANGE! People are living with HIV in 2012, thirty-two years into the pandemic in shame, in secret and alone.

This is the attitude that isolates people with HIV. It also undergirds misinformation and misunderstanding about HIV. Men in Africa who think they can "Cleanse" themselves if they rape a virgin baby girl. In the US things are not that much different. In the South were the numbers have surged, there is still so much misunderstanding. People are isolated in their own families, churches and community.

If you think I don't have the right to date that's one thing, but to tell me I'm nasty is another thing. To say only a crazy man would date me, is to suggest because I have HIV no one should love me or want to be with me; and by the way, with advancements in  treatment for HIV/AIDS, it's about a 2% chance that a person will become infected if their partner is on HIV medication and their Viral Load is non-detectable. It's those people who don't know their status that drive the  infection rate higher.

To tell me that my life sucks, gives me no hope to live. This attitude forces people with HIV underground. It speaks to the core of how people feel about this disease and places a ball and chain on our ankles.

This is also one reason people don't go get tested for HIV. Who would want to know their HIV status when people feel this way about people with HIV?  Its like a life of doom in people's minds. Having to deal with the day-to-day of the illness, then turn around and deal with the attitudes of people while trying to care for yourself at the same time is over load.

The fact that people don't go get tested, only drives the infection rate up.  Be clear, this is a problem in the African-American community. We are 53% of all HIV cases in the United States and only 13% of the population. About 38% of  all newly diagnosed cases of HIV, are people infected by people that don't  know their HIV status.

Also, most African-Americans discover their status when they are already sick and transitioned to AIDS. Which means they have been living with HIV somewhere between 7-10 years? As a result, we don't benefit from the treatment and care like our white counter parts. The earlier you know your HIV status, the longer you live, but who wants to know in a world of this?  The sad thing is this woman and her husband are not the only ones that think this way, she was just bold enough to say it, at least in writing. She would probably never say it to my face.

When are we going to stop this madness? When are we going to be a beacon of light in this world? My friend Robert, a minister himself, said after I read this comment to him, that he bet she is in someone's church this morning and I wouldn't doubt it.

The kind of judgments and the way they are presented on this blog to me are mind blowing and often it's from someone who is setting me straight in the name of Jesus. Jesus was all about love, LOVE! Jesus never turned anyone away. NOT ONE! The woman caught in adultery, the woman that anointed His feet with oil, the thief dying on the cross, Jesus extended himself without judgments. He didn't tell the thief you gotta promise you ain't gonna sin no more, he simply said, "Today you shall be with me in paradise." That's so powerful, POWERFUL! And it's our example, even in dying He left us an example on how to treat people.

When are we going to GET IT? My father in ministry Rev. Clay Evans use to say, "Don't be so heavenly bound you are no earthly good." When are we going to get it? We are our brother/sisters keeper? When did the African-American community become so cold and selfish? When did the Black Church become about how much we can get from God, rather than how much we can give to God's people?

Jesus only gave two commandments in His earthy ministry. The leaders of  CHURCH got together to challenge the ministry of Jesus. The Bible said that after the Sadducees had attempted to challenge Jesus and failed the  Pharisees, "Gathered their focus for an attack." One of them an expert in the law, tested him with this question, "Teacher which it the greatest commandment in the Law?"

Faced with the Law in front of him, Jesus gave TWO commandments, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with your soul and with your mind.  The Message translation says, "With all your passion and prayer and intelligence."

This is the first of the greatest commandant. And the second is like it, "Love your neighbor as yourself."  Message translation says, "Love thy neighbor as well as yourself." (Matthew 23:34-39)

When are we really gonna start living the Word over and above getting people straight on the Word? When are we going to become that village again that we once were? Does your family member live with HIV in isolation? Is your family and home an environment that permits them to talk about their status? Do you know their T-Cell count and Viral Load? Why haven't you asked?  Do you know how many pills they take? I bet if they had any other medication condition you would inquire and be as supportive as you can.  We either get silence on the one hand, or ugly on the other. This isolation is a death sentence, not AIDS.

What is your church doing? With the rate of HIV/AIDS in the black community you cannot tell me it's not in out churches and family. This disease is killing us, make no mistakes, and the ugly and the silence is fuel that speeds up  and spreads this disease.

I've had enough of the ugly and I will no longer brush it off. I will tackle it head own. The Hitler's of this world must be STOPPED! When are we going to be the CHANGE? #IcanntdoitAlone Together WE can be the Change! It starts in our hearts and flows to our family, home, churches and organizations...

Define Your Damn Self!

This morning I woke up to a Tweet that said #FollowFreedom @Raelt because she is a strong woman. This Tweet came from Ann, one of my followers, a middle aged white woman who has been very supportive of my work on Twitter. The first thing that struck me when I saw the tweet was, "She ain't never lied."

You have to be a strong woman when someone comes to your blog and straight up calls you a whore and they can't name one man you've fucked, other than the ones I've told them. And damn, how many women you know would be honest enough to admit half of the stuff that I have on this blog and in my speaking engagements, just so it can help someone get to their Aha Moment. I don't have to open my life up, but I do. I do because this is my gift and I know that, just like I know a great handbag, and Lawd do I know a great handbag!   

My transparencies have set me free! It has made me a better person, for me.  So go ahead and call me names. You don't define me. I define ME! And today I want you to know that I am, Smart, Compassionate, Brilliant, Educated, Fabulous, Well-dressed, Well-Read, Creative, Exciting, Strong just like Ann said, Loving, Lovable, Kind-Hearted, Beautiful, Pretty, Covered, Blessed, Gifted, Anointed, And Yes SAVED, ummm, did I say Intelligent? A Child of God created in God's image and likeness, just like you! 

So go ahead and label me, but your labels don't define me. I define me!  I'm a BADDD Bitch and a Smart Ass Whore! Now, what are you working with?

Can you define you as well as you define me? Or are you living a lie? Are you too focused on my fucks, my language, my methodology, my Diva to look within your own self?

There's an African Proverb that says, "He Who Conceals His Disease cannot expect to be cured." I'm so glad that I have , named my shit, and I do it every day so that I can continue to grow and live in peace and happiness.

Look at this picture, do you see that I am smiling with my eyes? That's freedom to love me and life because I've been able to face myself. In the facing, there is understanding of self! I'm happy to say, I know who I am and who's I am!!

Go ahead, I give you permission to stop being mad at me for my freedom and start working on your own freedom.

Go within! Introspection is a good thing. If you can't name it publicly, it's ok to write it on a piece of paper. But do it!! Now, the key is to be perfectly honest with yourself. And once you are honest with yourself, it does not matter what people say about you, because you are at a place to Define Your Damn Self!