Drowning... Part 1

I'm drowning in the chaos of my life. It started back in February when I started this emotional eating and Cheetos was always in my right hand, going straight into my month. Now, in full disclosure, I took a moment a couple of months ago to examine what had gotten me so off  track and all roads led to a man that I wanted, but who didn't want a relationship. So I walked as hard and as fast as I could to a place where I could hold onto my dignity. For me it's simple. No matter how much I want a man, I never want to keep him at the cost of me. 

Even with HIV/AIDS I would much prefer to be alone then to be with a man who is half in/half out. My tail is to old to "kick it," unless I'm kicking a ball in CrossFit. 

Not only am I not going to waste my pretty, I'm never going to let a man suck the life out of me. That is, him getting what he wants, while I'm just hanging and hoping that I will get all of him as my reward. Women are good for that, sticking around with the hope and a prayer that staying on his terms will render us victoriously. Let me tell you, it will never happen. When a man tells you that he does not want a relationship he means it and it does not matter how wonderful you are or if you make his toes curl in bed. Furthermore, staying will not only suck the life out of you, but it will kill your spirit and topple your self-esteem.  

While I know that walking was the best thing for me, it sent me on a down spiral of emotional eating. I mean who wants to be alone? Especially after you have started to bond and was hopeful for a future. I got sick after him with one back to back illness that sent me overboard. You do remember those sleepless nights caused by uncontrollable hot flashes that lead to mood swings and sleep deprivation, while the doctors tried to figure out the best combination of Hormone Replacement Therapy and HIV medication. After that, the health issues just kept coming. I had a bad case of HIV Peripheral Neuropathy in my feet and legs. Then I had a cold that turned into bronchitis and after that I pulled a muscle in my back and even breathing hurt. Then to pour salt in my wounds, I had a herpes outbreak that landed me back on IV medication. I was sinking, but fighting to hold my head above the water. 

With the death of Sophie I lost all control and started to  drown. I couldn't seem to keep my head above water no mater how hard I tried. Nothing seemed to be going in my favor and I took an emotional tumble. I was drowning and no matter how hard I fought, the depression kept coming and coming and coming. Eating became my enemy disguised as my best friend. I went from Cheetos to Flamin Hots mixed with Doritos and a Snickers on the side, and of course a cupcake or two. The three weeks following Sophie's death, all my healthy living died right along with her. 

When I made it to BlogHer last week I got off the plane in San Jose on the hunt for food - good comfort food. I had onion rings and beef brisket and burgers and fried chicken and hand cut french fires and milk shakes. I ate the danishes at the conference each morning instead of the fruit.  For real, my plate was filled with bacon and sweet rolls every morning with tea on the side.  I knew that I was drowning, but I couldn't seem to gather the strength to save myself. 

Now the best, and worst of it all, was this little bakery I found in the San Jose's Public Market, Chocatoo.  Chocoatoo has the best freaking cookies that I have ever eaten in life. I'm not sure which was my favorite. There was the chocolate S'mores rich with graham crackers, marshmallows and big dark chocolate chips. 

Then there was the basic chocolate chip with dark and milk chocolate but my God, that Reese's Peanut Butter with large chunks of Reese's and milk chocolate made my taste buds do a dance. I had 3 of these large cookies  a day, yes I said 3, 1-2-3. It was over the top, but it sure seemed to ease the pain. I knew that I was out of control but I couldn't seem to stop myself. I kept trying to come up for air but the waves kept pulling me back in. 

By Friday, I had been to Chocotoo twice  for a total of 6 cookies. That should have been my limit but when my girlfriend Dwana arrived to San Jose,  I had to introduce her to the best cookies ever. That day I got 2 Reees's and 1 S'mores. I should have stopped there, but following Dwana's lead, I got the homemade marshmallow S'mores. This delight was 4 inches of homemade marshmallow between two graham crackers dipped in dark chocolate, with caramelized bacon on top. 

I had eaten a cookie by the time we arrived back to the hotel. Once we arrived,  I got me a fresh cup of hot tea and dived into the homemade S'mores.  It was divine!! 

That left me with two cookies and I was straight out of control. It's crazy when you can see yourself in deep water but can't seem to pull yourself to the top.  After the MultiCulti party 
that night I came back to my room, made another cup of tea and had my last two cookies ... well all but a ¼ of the Reese's.  It was then time for sleep. 

I need to pause and say my food for that entire day consisted of; bacon and sweet rolls for breakfast, roast beef sandwich and salad for lunch with a fruit tart for dessert. Then Dwana and I had a meal at local restaurant a local couple hours after lunch, where I had homemade onion rings and beef brisket. That was a lot of food, then we must add the 2 and 3/4 large cookies and a 4 inch high S'mores.

Missing Sophie, I curled into a tight ball hugging the pillow to let sleep take me away from my misery. I closed my eyes and nausea swept over me.  It jolted me out of my semi-sleep. The nausea consumed my body and right to my very core, my soul. It was as if the universe was saying, "that's enough Rae that's enough." Tears started to flow. I knew that I had to make a change. Sophie is not coming back, that man is long gone and my health hangs in the balance by what I do and don't do. 

"Oh God, "I cried out. "Help me! God Help me!"

Drowning Part II

Blogging For Social Change!

Today I'm headed to the BlogHer 2014 conference in San Jose, California. I'm so honored to have been asked for the second time in a row to speak at this prestigious bloggers conference. Last year I was the closing keynote speaker for the Healthminder Day. This year I was asked to be a Path Leader for Pathfinder. Pathfinder day is an all day intensive, the day before the conference officially opens on Friday.

Bloggers who attend Pathfinder day are interested in taking there blogging to the next level. This is an intensive day with five different paths of learning. The paths are, media company, change agent, businesses owner, published author and visual artist.

BlogHer has partnered me with Dannielle Owens-Reid co-founder of Everyone is Gay an award -winning LGBTQ youth organization to co-lead the path as Change Agent. Our goal is to help bloggers refine and focus their blogging for social change.  Dannielle and I have planned an awesome day for our Pathfinders; from understanding the importance of ones story, to monetizing ones blog and blogging for  purpose even if the money never comes.

I am excited about Pathfinder day and helping bloggers but I'm also excited about the other workshops and sharing  and comparing  notes with other bloggers for 3 days. This year I am planning to attend quite a few workshops myself. With over a million views to my blog, not counting all the people who read my blog through one of the 4 syndications, I am ready to take Diva Living With AIDS to the next level in every way possible.

Blogging has changed the way that I educate around HIV/AIDS. I took a leap of faith and people listened to my heart in every single stoke of the key board.  I understand that no one has to come to Diva Living With AIDS, but you do. I'm taking your support with a  heart of gratitude  and I'm using it as a force of light to make this blog even better than it's best. Expect to see me blogging more often than not.

Over all, I am extra excited about BlogHer 2014 and all that it brings. I'm especially excited to hear the keynote speakers Kerry Washington and Arianna Huffington, the founder of Huffington Post and other heavy hitters.

In the backdrop of all the health problems I've had of late and the death of Sophie, getting away will be a time of renewal and recommitment. Of course I will share the most important and interesting with you in the days to follow... Wish me safe travels.

Monday Reflection: Gratitude-In Spite Of!

I heard the birds singing and I opened one eye to see if the sun was out. I could barely move from exhaustion from the BlogHer Conference and the nerve pain medication that I'm taking, which makes me groggy, but as I lay in bed this morning my heart was filled with gratitude. I could hear and see and in spite of my exhaustion and pain level, I could even move. I opened both eyes to check on my baby girl, and Sophie was buried in the pillows next to me sleeping like a wild child and probably happy to be home from the four night stay in the hotel this past week.

I checked my phone for the time, it was 5:30 A. M. and I crawled out of bed to use the bedroom. As I laid back down I remembered out the blue the time I woke up in a hotel room and I couldn't walk. I had to crawl to the bathroom and back to the bed. I was on the road planning to speak at the University of Illinois in Champaign and overnight, I developed Herpes Zoster (Shingles). The pain was so intense walking was near impossible. It was an event for Delta Sigma Theta Sorority, Inc. and I was determined to not leave my "Sorors" hanging. My doctor wanted me to come home immediately, but with a hard head and determination I stayed.

By that evening I had sores from the top of my butt to the bottom of my feet. My Godchild, Toi,  took the bus down to be with me and that night she had to help me get dress. That night I stood by the grace of God for almost two hours in 4 inch heels. Toi drove me back to Chicago, me laid out in the back seat of my car. When we arrived home in the middle of the night, I had to crawl up the two flights of stairs to get to my apartment and crawl back down that morning to go to the doctor. Recovery took over a month. I couldn't walk and morphine was the only thing that relieved my pain.

No matter how I look, or how active I seem to people, I understand clearly, with AIDS you can get hit from nowhere and it is what it is. Most days I get hit actually, it's just some days I get hit harder than others. Somedays I smile through it, other days I cuss through it.

Because this life of AIDS is unpredictable, I never take it for granted. Now don't be confused, there are days when I think I've had enough. Days when I want to cuss, fuss and rant through it and do, and a smile is foreign to my face. Days when I want to say enough is enough. 

Like these past three weeks on IV medication, I was so sick I couldn't  think straight and I had a funky attitude to go right along with how I was feeling. People don't understand the drama one is faced when a medication that is making you better in one area but it also makes you so sick in another. For sure, for me there is a hopelessness I feel. Its like being stuck between a rock and a hard place. Especially when I have no control. It makes you lose perspective, the larger picture.

Yet at the end of the day, I understand that life is a blessing. I get it! I'm alive!  This is my life, my struggle, but yet I still have gratitude.

So this morning when I heard the birds signing, telling me that it was a new day, I was overwhelmed in my heart and my spirit. 

Today, I had perspective and with perspective, I could smile, smile because I could hear the birds singing, see my baby girl laying peacefully next to me. I could walk to the bathroom on my feet and despite all I've been through, I still have my right mind. I was filled with nothing but gratitude this morning in spite of my lie with AIDS.

Post Scrpit: I'm looking for a blog editor send your info to Rae@raelewisthonton.com

Never Doubt Your Place in this Space!!

Last year this time I was trying to scarp up money to go to BlogHer. I knew it was an important conference in the life of a blogger. Thanks to some of my biggest supporters, friends I've met through twitter, off to the Big Apple I went. I met a lot of sponsors and a lot of bloggers.

I got a lot of stuff "freebies" from companies us wanted us to blog about their product. I got a lot of helpful hits on how to make my blog better. But when I left, I had not met one person in BlogHer's leadership nor had I secured one sponsor for my blog.

In the year following the conference  I came up with some Aha Moments. For sure my blog is a serious content blog. For sure it will remain first person. My blog is my journey, my life, my opinion, my laughable moments, my good, bad and ugly. My blog is about my life, when I shit on myself and when others shit on me. I'm ok with the path that I've taken because my gift is my life. Ironically, my life has also been my curse. It's been such a painful journey for me from birth to 51, but yet God has given me that extra; the stuff that makes me keep going when I wanta quit. 

I had resolved that I may never get a sponsor and I'm ok with that. I'm ok because my blog is not about making money, it's about enriching the life's of others. I share my life with the hope that someone will keep going, will do something different, something better about their lives.

So low and behold, I was knocked out of bed one morning when I received an email from BlogHer asking me to be the closing keynote speaker for their HealthMinder Day! Shut Up!! I mean someone else thinks that what I do is worth sharing. WOW! So tomorrow I will have what's called a keynote conversation. Interviewing me in front of hundred's of bloggers will be Jeannine Harvey the Social Media director of the powerful organization Onemoms. 

We will discuss my groundbreaking work in Social Media; How I've used Social Media to advance the issues of HIV/AIDS. We will talk about how I've built my brand though my authentic, candor and transparency. I'm honored to have been asked to talk about what I do and why I do it. I've said it over and over, I came to Social Media when my speaking engagements died up with the dead economy because God still had work for me to do. Social Media was a free forum  to continue to challenge stigma around HIV, educate and give hope.

I'm proud that I've been able to grow with the 21st century I've been criticized for my candor and transparency. I've even been criticized for my overall use of Social Media. Tomorrow is worth every negative conversation about me and my work. I'm honored that BlogHer, recognizing my ground breaking use of Social Media and I'm excited about giving other bloggers some insight  on how to grow their brand through the use of Social Media. I'm honred to be among the list of keynote speakers. U. S. Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Seblius is the opening speaker.

What I know for sure is this simple. If you follow the path that God has chosen for you... God will make room for your gifts. Never doubt your place in this space called the universe. 

Blog Her: Day One! I'm Growing!

I made it to New York after a short flight delay... My BFF Luke picked me up and treated me to a French Restaurant in Harlem and then we picked up dessert from Sylvia's, went home and shared it with tea. It was such a wonderful way to end the day! He helped me download Pandora on my iPad and created some play lists. I love Luke he keeps me hip. LOL

Food was wonderful. New York is never short of wonderful places to eat. Only in Harlem can you get a French restaurant and a soul food restaurant a few doors down from each other.

So I was back up at 6:30 and I've been at Blog Her for a half day. So far so good! I've already met some bloggers so I'm networking. I have already fallen in love with some products. I'll be blogging about them. I simply love this @askbowfex Bow Flex Care Body Reformer. Great Core training but it's so cute, compact and affordable. I'm getting in shape. I will NOT bring this much body fat into 2013. I'm learning it's not good for people living with HIV.

The workshops have been great so far...I'll give you a short update tonight. Moving on to lunch time and more workshops.

Oh yeah, President Obama is addressing us via video at 4:30. It's a full day filled with lots of great information. I'm feeling blessed to be here... Make no mistake, I'm here to grow; and when I grow you grow.

Purpose Over Pride...

I'm so excited that I haven't been able to sleep for the last few nights! I'm headed to the largest and most powerful Blogger's Conference in the country, Blog Her.  I missed the International AIDS Conference because I couldn't afford it. Registration was $975.00, not including travel and hotel. I was sitting around last week all sad, then I thought about missing BlogHer12 too and gloom set in.  I had to shake that sadness and made a decision right then, if there was anyway I could work it out I had to go to Blog Her. I had to make it happen. Well, the Bible says we have not because we ask not and sometimes you have to let your pride go and I did just that. You can miss your blessing holding onto unnecessary pride.

I learned that a couple of years ago, when my speaking engagements went from 5-7 a month to 5-7 a year and I lost my book deal with Hyperion Publishing.  I had to face reality. I downsized my life #ForReal I went from a 3 bedroom apartment to a studio and buckled in for the long haul. The economy hit me hard, people just weren't bringing speakers like in the past. Not only was everyone's money funny, but AIDS is not the sexiest topic it had been in the past. But, downsizing my life didn't do anything for my Purpose. I was sitting in my studio apartment looking at the walls.

I had to face the fact that God called me to do a work no matter what the conditions. I got a push from my bestie Luke, to take my message and brand to Social Media. I also started thinking about blogging, but I was nervous about it and got a push or two. I have to give credit where it's due.  I got a push from another Blogger, who was following me on Twitter, who has since become my friend, Dwana. And Honestly, Luvvie from the Red Pump Project pushed me even further and put up my blog site in a day and then I got great advice from beauty blogger, Afrobella and as the saying goes, the rest has been history.

I wasn't traveling all over the country anymore, but I was still doing the work. I start my day on Twitter and Facebook and then write my blog. It was a ready made audience to take my message of self-love, self-worth and prevention; while challenging stigma and shame around HIV/AIDS with my candor, transparency and honesty.

 In Just two years, I have grown by leaps and bounds, with most of the growth this last year. This blog gets about 30,000 visits a month. People are reading it too. The amount of time a person stays on my blog is 4-5 minutes which is major for a blog.  My YouTube has over 120,000 views, I have over 7,000 followers on Twitter and my combined Facebook pages have 11,000 followers.

I'm the only person in the country hosting Tweet-Up's with an HIV/AIDS theme. I made the cover of the Chicago Tribune and BET News did a story on how I use Social Media for HIV/AIDS education. It's been a world wind these last two years. Who knew? I sure didn't but the point was that I was open to the possibilities. Open to taking my message to Social Media, whether I got paid or not.

I don't have any sponsors or any big names behind me. I do it all on my own, not because of me, but because of what I have been called to do. We get so stuck on the right time and conditions. When in reality the time is ripe the day God plants that seed in you to do the work. We just have to be willing to do the work, in spite of the conditions. Conditions are just for show anyway. It's a great thing when you can brag, but your gifts are not for bragging, they are for using.

So I have no shame! Most days, I'm sitting at home in my PJ's Tweeting and Blogging and using my gifts to help enrich the lives of others. My purpose is far greater than my pride will ever be. There is an internal peace that I have knowing that I'm gifted and God wants to use my gifts. With no sponsors, my brand has grown beyond what my eyes could even see.

So I'm headed to Blog Her! I didn't have the money, but I asked. I put it out there in the universe and my Twitter/Blog Followers have made it happen; My Besties Markeeda and Luke chipped in too. I'm blessed to have two good friends who believe in me and sow into my work.

I'm not going to Blog Her to party, in fact, I've not been invited to the best parties nor am I going for the wonderful swag bags and giveaways. I'm going so that I can grow and when I grow, you grow. Yes, I'm hoping to find the right sponsors, thats the perfect fit, but if I don't I'm cool. I know for a fact that I will absorb all that I can, so I can continue to grow my brand.

 I'm not even ashamed to say that I wouldn't be going if on my own.  Things are tight and I will be pinching pennies to make my spending money stretch. I'm just proud that I moved beyond pride and put my desire to go to Blog Her in the universe and within one day, I was able to register and purchase a plane ticket! THANK YOU!

 I'm telling you, your gifts are larger than what you think is the right time to use them. Your purpose should be larger than your pride. I dare you to step out there and watch God blow your mind. You may not become famous, or you just might. You may not make a fortune or you just might. But for sure, if you don't you will miss the opportunity to bless others with what you have been gifted with. That for me is what life is about, PURPOSE.

 If I never get another feature in a magazine or TV; If my bank account stays at a monthly average of $200.00, it's all good. I will continue to do what God has called me to do. I will continue to grow and be the best me, so that I can share my best with you.
 I will be Tweeting and Blogging while at Blog Her. You can follow my HashTag #GrowingRLT  The general Hash Tag for Blog Her is #Blogher12  There is lots of good stuff there, especially for those of you who are trying to grow your blog.

Please keep me in your prayers. Long, continuous days are tough on my health so I need all the good energy you can send my way. And Lawddd y'all know I'm gonna miss my baby girl Sophie. She has already started looking sad...  She will be Tweeting while Mommie is on the road working :) You can follow Sophie on Twitter Here

Post Script: If you want to support me, you can buy a bracelet from my Collection. There are new markdowns, plus an extra 10% off the entire sale. The coupon code is Diva, Click Here! You can buy an autographed copy of my book, The Politics of Respectability, Click Here! Or you can just donate to my blog on the donate button...  #IcannotdoitAlone