I Met A Man... Can I Give Him HIV?

I met a man and OMG he was just simply charming. Now I usually don't give my number to random men on the street, but did I say he was sooooo charming?!

Even Chloe liked him, but ummm now that I think about it, Chloe likes everyone she sees. But the fact that he took the time while macking to bend down and speak to my baby girl was a brownie point. But umm that could have been a part of the Mack game to. LOL But unmm I still gave him my number. Did I say how charming he was?

We made it through the first round of "gettin to know" each other. And I'm not sure if we are even going on a date. I try not to make assumptions because that's when feelings get hurt. Now don't get me wrong, I have standards like mutual respect etc. etc. etc. What I'm talking about is not marrying him in your head before you know if he puts the toilet sit down, look at you like you're the only woman in the room and most importantly not some misogyntic butt hole. Like for real for real. But now that I think about it, charming men tend to love women, all of them. What have I gotten myself into? But then again, I try not to make assumptions even about charming men.

 So here I am, I've given my number to a very charming man and we have gotten beyond at least the introduction. Now I have to be honest, this created some anxiety  that I haven't felt in years; Mainly, I got to tell this man that I have HIV but on top of HIV that I'm this super famous woman who goes around the country talking about having HIV. This is not an easy thing. 

It's been years since a man approached me that didn't already know who I was and this sent me back to a place that I haven't been in years. Since my divorce well over 17 years ago, I've learned that being famous with HIV is collateral damage. Even when a man likes you, they are faced with the stigma that comes with dating a person with HIV. And don't be in denial, it does come. Why would he date her? Does he have HIV also? Will she give him HIV? And the list goes on and on. 

Prior to the cover of Essence, there was no need to tell a man that I had HIV until we had been on a few dates and I've made sure he wasn't crazy crazy. It was always about, do I think this man is worth my energy, worth me and once I reached that point, I would have the "kitchen conversation" sitting at the table with my clothes on explaining that I am HIV positive; answering all of his questions and explaining the ramifications of what dating a positive woman means for him. But back then it was a mutual secret. Remember, those first 7 years I told like 5 people that I was positive, other than the men I dated.

So the "kitchen conversation" is important. I've always believed that a person should be informed so that they can make what they feel is the best decision for their life. Everyone has that right, even the right to not date a person who is living with HIV. That goes for whatever the reason, stigma, risk and even I don't want to be bothered with dating a person with a chronic Illness. 

But today the "kitchen conversation happens a lot earlier for me.  I almost have to have the, "I am a public figure" conversation. Now what if I don't tell him right away, and we bump into someone who recognizes me? People come up to me often in public, and what if THAT PERSON who says. "Ain't you that lady with AIDS" bumps into us having dinner. And once I tell him my last name and he googles me or send me friend request me on Facebook, it's a wrap. Like, being this public person flows into every area of my life. So much pressure being "THAT GIRL." Now for sure, I wouldn't change a thing. God has given me a gift and I would rather use my gift  and be single for the rest of my life if that be the case.

Now again, I have no idea if this is going anywhere. Shoot, I'm writing this blog and may never talk to him again. But this situation got me to thinking about  being infected and dating with HIV in 2016. 

 Its crazy that the risk of infecting a person is so very very low today, unlike it was let's say even 17 years ago. But the stigma is at a freaking stand still. Its like people can't move beyond 1994 when I was on the cover of Essence. So I thought that I would take this opportunity to update you on the risk factors of dating a positive person and the new medical advancements. If I never talk to this man again, well at least he got me to write a blog for you, and y'all know I've not been that inspired to write very much as of late. So it's all good. 

OK! Let me lay it out for you. I'll give it to you in lay terms as much as I can. I have also provided links.  It's a tad long, but its good information, and I'm going to ask all of you to share this blog on your Social Media sites.

1) A person who is living with HIV man or female who's viral load is undetectable is very unlikely to transmit HIV to another person. Let me say it this way, even if you do not use a condom or the condom breaks, if the person living with HIV viral load is undetectable the risk of infecting another person is significantly low. Scholars have been playing it safe, and saying 96% safe.  My former doctor, whom I trust with my life,  said to me and I quote, "it's zero infection Rae" 

The latest study was 30,000 sexual acts with a positive and negative person and Zero inflections. WHAT THE HECK DOES ALL OF THIS MEAN???? Glad you asked. It means that a person in treatment with an undetectable viral load both in their blood, semen ad vaginal secretions, CANNOT transmit HIV. Now let me expand viral load.

A) Viral Load is the amount of HIV that has copied in your body. The more it copies, the sicker a person is likely to be, and the greater risk there is of infecting their partner. 

Thirty-Five years into the AIDS pandemic, treatment is remarkable. There are 32 different HIV medications, which we call antiretrovirals and five different classes of antiretrovirals. Taking a combination of antiretrovirals is often referred to as HAART. When a person takes HAART medications it actually reduces the HIV virus from the body and blocks copies of newer resistant strains when the virus copies. This viral suppression means that a person will less likely develop AIDS Related Complex or even transition to AIDS. 

If  a person has already transitioned to AIDS, like in my case, HAART therapy will suppress the virus from doing any new damage to my body. But the damage that has already been done to my immune system cannot be reversed. ( that's why I have more health problems then the average person today with HIV) 

The success of HAART is why its important for people to be tested at lest once a year. Being diagnosed early, getting into treatment, complying with treatment and staying in treatment will prolog your life and the quality of your life.  Furthermore, this alone will reduce the new cases of HIV. About 38% of newly diagnosed persons with HIV are infected by a person who did not know that they were infected.

B) There are some factors in transmission of HIV with an undetectable viral load, such as, other sexually transmitted diseases, menstruation, and the level of virus in a woman's vaginal sectarians and male semen. Usually, HAART medication reduces ones viral load in both blood, semen and vaginal sectarians, but there are some instances where this has not been the case. Read here

C) An Undetectable Viral Load does NOT mean that you no longer have HIV. Yes, HIV is still in your body, but in very small amounts. The smaller the amount the more difficult it is to transmit HIV. Undetectable is optimum.

D) What if a persons Viral Load goes up? Well it then means that the risk factor of infecting someone goes up, and this also increases their chances of disease progression. So for example, back in 1997 my viral load for 400,000 thats a lot of virus, My T-Cell Count was 8 and I was very sick. During this time the risk of me infecting someone was far greater then today. 

E) Why does a person Viral Load increase? Drug resistance. HIV in your body has developed a resistance to the medications, whether it's one in your combination, or all? 

F) Why does a person develop resistant to HAART therapy? Typically failure to comply with ones treatment is the reason resistance sets in, but not exclusively.

• When a person does not take their medication as prescribed; missing dosage, stopping and starting at random all of these can cause a resistance. BUT if a person does what they are supposed to do then the chances of resistance is low. Of course their can be just plain old drug failure, but if a person is in care their doctor is on top of it.  

• For example, my viral load gets tested every 3 months. And BTW my Viral Load has been undetectable for 13 years and staying steady, thanks be to God, but ummm I do what the fuck I'm supposed to do too. POW!! If you don't do good, you can't expect good results!

G) Ok I know, I know what you are saying, nothing is full proof. I agree, that's why condom use is still important.  Plus I'm not trying to get Zike from anyone. BOOM! But we have come a long way from those early days when risk factor was so much higher. I'm going to also remind you that female to male transmission has always been very low. Its like 20-1 that a woman will infect a man.

2) PrEP is also a medical breakthrough in HIV Treatment and Care!

What the heck is PrEP! I'm glad you asked. Its a pre-exposure prophylaxis; a once a day antiretroviral that a person who is not infected takes to prevent HIV infection. Yep, one pill, once a day. I've covered this topic in my Charlie Sheen blog here. But the bottom line, PrEP does prevent HIV. I think a person must determine for themselves, based on their lifestyle if they should consider taking PrEP Now that I'm back in the groove. I will write another blog about PReP in the next week or so to give you my detail thoughts, in the meantime you can learn about it here.

For sure we have come a long way in thirty-five years. What I want for you, is to advance your mind with the medical advancements. This staying stuck and not embracing these new and exciting advancements around HIV is like ummmm still trying to use My Space. This staying stuck also perpetuates stigma. If you continue to relegate AIDS to be this horrible death sentence that it once was, you continue to deny those living and thriving  with HIV the beautiful miracle of life. Keeping HIV in a time warped continues to push the paradigm of hopelessness. Does that impact our dating, you damn right cause who wants to date someone who society believes is a walking death sentence!? Come on y'all, help a sista out, change your mind and your ass will follow....

On Line Dating Huh???

The other day I Googled dating to get pictures for a blog post and the images that popped up were all of some sort of reference to dating on-line. Like for real, for real, so many pictures came up with computer images with hearts that I rechecked to make sure that I had actually searched dating, or that some sort of auto-correct hadn't led me to online dating. LOL!

A while back you may recall that I blogged about dating and told you about a dating site for people with sexually transmitted diseases called Positive Singles. I talked about being lonely and wanting to date in that two part series. I tried that dating site and while it didn't work well for me, I know someone else who gave it a try and it worked just fine. I think my deal breaker was that I said in my profile, "I'm very public about both my HIV and herpes status." I'm sure most people are on those sites because it's easier to disclose to someone in the same situation, which was my reasoning for joining and blogging about them in the first place. Yet at same time, a person living with a sexually transmitted disease may be struggling with stigma issues. My publicness is not a comfortable place for someone who is living in secret.  I mean, I am infected and I talk about it to everyone who will listen. I'm over  stigma. I'm just waiting on the rest of the world to catch up with me. The other thing, I met Mr. Handsome around the same time I signed up at Positive Singles and I've never been the type of woman, to spread myself thin, so I just deleted my no action account. 

Speaking of Mr. Handsome, I met him online of sorts. It wasn't a dating site but for sure it was online and he knew he was approaching a woman living with HIV/AIDS. It didn't work and that doesn't make him a bad guy, or how we met bad, it just didn't work. Somethings we ought not add value that doesn't belong. So here I am again, alone and sometimes more than others, lonely. 

Meeting guys is an uphill battle for me. Mainly because I spend a lot of time by myself. If you don't go any place you can't meet anyone, a former therapist would always tell me. In full disclosure I will admit that I kind of have "only child syndrome." I like spending time with myself. I've never been one of those people who needed someone to have dinner with or to entertain me. Shoot, I can play monopoly by myself. I got skills! LOL 

Other barriers for me when it comes to meeting men, and going out, is that I don't drink and I hate bars. So what's a 52 year old woman living with HIV/AIDS in the public sphere to do? The hell if I know! I have been wondering though if I should try some of these social dating sites. Not a paid site or anything. I'm not paying anyone to help find me a date. At least I'm saying that today. 

I have a friend that does one free site and have actually gone on a date here or there. But I'm not sure if I have the patience for men winking at me. Like really, I don't know how to make small talk. Everything is always so serious for me. Everything has meaning. I don't see much in life as neutral. This is another reason why friends male or female, dating or otherwise haven't always worked out well for me. I never seem to give it a break, that is life on life terms. Not too many topics seem to be causal for me. Tiara and I go through this a lot, she mentions something and I always have a lecture to add onto the passing topic. 

Okkkkkkk, so what is a woman who sees everything in black and white to do? Should I go ahead and give one of these dating sites more then a week? Again, in full disclosure, I even downloaded an app on my iPad about 2 months ago, but after a week of winks I just deleted the app. Maybe it was timing. I joined the site about 2 weeks before I went back on IV medication and had the Lipo procedure. I was in so much pain and discomfort winking and small talk was not appealing to me.

This online dating/ app thing seems to be the trend. Now I'm still nervous and cautious about these sites. There are sociopaths in this world and dating sites are great turf for liars, but shoot, I've also met liars in church, from the pulpit to the pew.

Maybe I should put my big girl panties on and give one of these sites more than a week or two. I guess I will never really know if I don't give it an honest try. It may at minimum give me something to do other than mope. It will for sure be interesting to see how men approach an HIV infected woman who happens to blog about her life. Or should I even say that I'm HIV Positive in my bio? In past I've siad that I was an AIDS Activist. I signed up for a free weekend trail of Match.Com about 9 or 10 years ago and one brother figured out who I was just by a couple of messages. Google is not my friend. LOL!  Well if I join one of these social dating site, it will definitely give me something to blog about. It may even render a favorable outcome. I don't know for sure, but what I do know is that I will never know, if I don't give it a try. 

Drowning... Part 1

I'm drowning in the chaos of my life. It started back in February when I started this emotional eating and Cheetos was always in my right hand, going straight into my month. Now, in full disclosure, I took a moment a couple of months ago to examine what had gotten me so off  track and all roads led to a man that I wanted, but who didn't want a relationship. So I walked as hard and as fast as I could to a place where I could hold onto my dignity. For me it's simple. No matter how much I want a man, I never want to keep him at the cost of me. 

Even with HIV/AIDS I would much prefer to be alone then to be with a man who is half in/half out. My tail is to old to "kick it," unless I'm kicking a ball in CrossFit. 

Not only am I not going to waste my pretty, I'm never going to let a man suck the life out of me. That is, him getting what he wants, while I'm just hanging and hoping that I will get all of him as my reward. Women are good for that, sticking around with the hope and a prayer that staying on his terms will render us victoriously. Let me tell you, it will never happen. When a man tells you that he does not want a relationship he means it and it does not matter how wonderful you are or if you make his toes curl in bed. Furthermore, staying will not only suck the life out of you, but it will kill your spirit and topple your self-esteem.  

While I know that walking was the best thing for me, it sent me on a down spiral of emotional eating. I mean who wants to be alone? Especially after you have started to bond and was hopeful for a future. I got sick after him with one back to back illness that sent me overboard. You do remember those sleepless nights caused by uncontrollable hot flashes that lead to mood swings and sleep deprivation, while the doctors tried to figure out the best combination of Hormone Replacement Therapy and HIV medication. After that, the health issues just kept coming. I had a bad case of HIV Peripheral Neuropathy in my feet and legs. Then I had a cold that turned into bronchitis and after that I pulled a muscle in my back and even breathing hurt. Then to pour salt in my wounds, I had a herpes outbreak that landed me back on IV medication. I was sinking, but fighting to hold my head above the water. 

With the death of Sophie I lost all control and started to  drown. I couldn't seem to keep my head above water no mater how hard I tried. Nothing seemed to be going in my favor and I took an emotional tumble. I was drowning and no matter how hard I fought, the depression kept coming and coming and coming. Eating became my enemy disguised as my best friend. I went from Cheetos to Flamin Hots mixed with Doritos and a Snickers on the side, and of course a cupcake or two. The three weeks following Sophie's death, all my healthy living died right along with her. 

When I made it to BlogHer last week I got off the plane in San Jose on the hunt for food - good comfort food. I had onion rings and beef brisket and burgers and fried chicken and hand cut french fires and milk shakes. I ate the danishes at the conference each morning instead of the fruit.  For real, my plate was filled with bacon and sweet rolls every morning with tea on the side.  I knew that I was drowning, but I couldn't seem to gather the strength to save myself. 

Now the best, and worst of it all, was this little bakery I found in the San Jose's Public Market, Chocatoo.  Chocoatoo has the best freaking cookies that I have ever eaten in life. I'm not sure which was my favorite. There was the chocolate S'mores rich with graham crackers, marshmallows and big dark chocolate chips. 

Then there was the basic chocolate chip with dark and milk chocolate but my God, that Reese's Peanut Butter with large chunks of Reese's and milk chocolate made my taste buds do a dance. I had 3 of these large cookies  a day, yes I said 3, 1-2-3. It was over the top, but it sure seemed to ease the pain. I knew that I was out of control but I couldn't seem to stop myself. I kept trying to come up for air but the waves kept pulling me back in. 

By Friday, I had been to Chocotoo twice  for a total of 6 cookies. That should have been my limit but when my girlfriend Dwana arrived to San Jose,  I had to introduce her to the best cookies ever. That day I got 2 Reees's and 1 S'mores. I should have stopped there, but following Dwana's lead, I got the homemade marshmallow S'mores. This delight was 4 inches of homemade marshmallow between two graham crackers dipped in dark chocolate, with caramelized bacon on top. 

I had eaten a cookie by the time we arrived back to the hotel. Once we arrived,  I got me a fresh cup of hot tea and dived into the homemade S'mores.  It was divine!! 

That left me with two cookies and I was straight out of control. It's crazy when you can see yourself in deep water but can't seem to pull yourself to the top.  After the MultiCulti party 
that night I came back to my room, made another cup of tea and had my last two cookies ... well all but a ¼ of the Reese's.  It was then time for sleep. 

I need to pause and say my food for that entire day consisted of; bacon and sweet rolls for breakfast, roast beef sandwich and salad for lunch with a fruit tart for dessert. Then Dwana and I had a meal at local restaurant a local couple hours after lunch, where I had homemade onion rings and beef brisket. That was a lot of food, then we must add the 2 and 3/4 large cookies and a 4 inch high S'mores.

Missing Sophie, I curled into a tight ball hugging the pillow to let sleep take me away from my misery. I closed my eyes and nausea swept over me.  It jolted me out of my semi-sleep. The nausea consumed my body and right to my very core, my soul. It was as if the universe was saying, "that's enough Rae that's enough." Tears started to flow. I knew that I had to make a change. Sophie is not coming back, that man is long gone and my health hangs in the balance by what I do and don't do. 

"Oh God, "I cried out. "Help me! God Help me!"

Drowning Part II

Happy Is, As Happy Does....

It hit me yesterday morning that I've made it past the 3 month mark that I haven't had a herpes outbreak! This is major, considering that almost like clock work, for the last 2 years, an outbreak has been my norm.

As many of you know, I've been very open with the fact that I have this aggressive, drug resistant herpes that requires me to go on this aggressive anti-viral medication that I get intravenously. It's been a pain in my ass, or should I say, right between my legs and that has made my life hell, at least during the IV treatments.

As I was sipping my morning tea, I tried to think about the bottom line in my life-style that could have brought this change about in my health. All I can think about is the fact that I'm happy and happy can go a long way in helping to boost your immune system.

They say that happy is as happy does and for sure I've been doing a lot of good stuff! At the top of the list is Mr. Handsome. While we are taking it one day at a time, we have connected beyond words in a short period of time. There have been some great moments and laughter with him.

For sure, he has added value to my life and for sure that goes a long way over and above a relationship that you are trying to make work. Those relationships that you are trying to make fit and feel right tend to be stressful. If it don't feel right, then it's not right. Sometimes when I see women in distress tweeting about a man, I butt in and remind her that she deserves more and a man who really likes you, will want you to have more. For sure Mr. Handsome is treating me like a woman who deserves the best and that goes a long way in reducing stress.

Now don't be confused, my happiness isn't just because there's a man in my life. I've been working on me and the results have made me feel good about myself. And feeling good about yourself, for sure, creates the happy feeling and that happy feeling does boost the immune system.

There is a mind-body connection that operates in each of us. The bible says, "As a man thinketh so is he." But it's also true, we are what we do.

For sure, I've been doing a lot of good stuff. I got my ass off the sofa and started working out back in October. I've lost 17 pounds. I changed my diet. I've been eating the Paleo diet and that even helped my Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS).  If you recall, my IBS was so bad that I wasn't using the bathroom for 3-4 days at a time and the doctors had me on powerful laxatives daily, (READ ABOUT MY IBS HERE)

Diet and exercise has definitely helped my IBS, but it has also given me more energy. By the way, exercising 45 minutes a day will release endorphins equal to taking an antidepressants.  Exercise has a three tier benefit, makes you feel happy, makes you feel good about yourself and that makes you happy and contributes to your overall well-being. I no longer have that anxious feeling when I have to get dressed that there's nothing to fit in my closet and that makes me happy.

I've been working on a couple of exciting projects. One that I can't talk about right now. Just hold on, info will be forth-coming. I am also writing a one woman show. YES!! "The Politics of Respectability!" and I'm honored that my sista friend, actress Sheryl Lee Ralph will be producing the show.

Many of you know that Sheryl has a one woman show on the lives of woman with HIV, "Sometimes I Cry," I''m honored to have been the inspiration for her show and to be the anchor character, "Ms. Chanel." She and I thought that it was time that I took my own story to the stage. For sure, it will be one more way for me to minister to women. I'm so excited!

So I've really been burning the midnight oil between the two new projects I have going, as well as keeping the bracelet business afloat. I've been working hard on the 20 Collection. So far I have 8 bracelet designs on the website and early next week I'm sending my photographer the first of the necklace designs. I've really been humping over here.

Overachiever is in full gear!! With everything going on in my life right now, I don't have time to think about what ain't. The focus is on what is and what is, 'is' is always more positive than what 'ain't'.

A positive attitude goes a long way toward happy. For sure, I have the herpes virus and it can flare up at anytime. For sure I have AIDS and I can wake up in the morning and have a major issue with my health. But I'm not giving either of those any energy. I'm just operating in my happy place.

At the end of the day, happy goes a long way in your overall well-being. Happy is as happy does. Find your happy place and watch your life transform into something wonderful!


PS.... RLT Collection is having a sale all week... 20%off Coupon code at check out black history SHOP HERE!

I Am More Than My Vagina..

I learned something about myself this weekend that made me understand how far I've come in my thinking verses the application of what I know, as it relates to dating and sex.

I've been saying over and over again that it's not enough to know better, that at some point you have to apply the knowledge to your life so that you can be your best you. It is true that we are products of our past. It teaches us good, bad and indifference. It shapes who we are, which influences what we do. I know this has been the case for me. I also understand, that we do not have to be a prisoner to our past.

My former therapist used to drill into me that discipline is a transferable skill. That you can apply discipline to all things in your life and at the end of discipline is feeling good about yourself. It's the difference between eating 3 cookies or 15 cookies.  Each will dictate how you feel about yourself, once it's said and done. Well, that same thing applies to dating.

This is what I'm talking about. I spent Valentine weekend with Mr. Handsome. It was a really great weekend of bonding and intimacy. No, not sex, per-say, but intimacy. So what's the problem? Well, I realized that my demons are relentless and that I still have work to do on myself. Before I go any further, I must pause and say having a man in your life who is confident in himself goes a long way in achieving your goal.

Well it's like this, I was so use to men wanting to fuck all the time that I almost missed the most important moments of the weekend.

Mr. Handsome is a few years older than me. He has been around the world, seen all and done all - and while sex is great, good lawd, it was not his focus of spending time with me ... And for a slim moment I started to wonder if there was something wrong with me. I think it's a deep contradiction that women want men to treat them like a woman important beyond her vagina, but when he does, you doubt the very thing that you are seeking.

It made me wonder how many women out there defined how great the Valentine weekend was by the sex? And then how many women had men in their life that expected the sex, and then more sex. I remember a few years ago someone tweeted that if a man takes you to an expensive restaurant, don't pull out the flannels but sexy lingerie.

I tweeted that my vagina wasn't for sale. I meant that, but now I look back and I see the argument of the expectation of sex that rules our thoughts and behavior. While sex is one aspect of a relationship, it should not rule. Mr. Handsome said to me, "there's more to life then simply fucking." In our honest discussion about it, he was clear, I don't need to fuck all day to enjoy you.

I know that I am more than my vagina, but I'm also clear that our past behaviors are not easily broken; well I'll speak for myself. The one thing for sure that Mr. Handsome is teaching me is patience on the one hand, and appropriate growth in an relationship on the other hand. Women are so brainwashed with the pretty woman syndrome. Most of us have married him in our heads when you are still really getting to know each other. Case in point, Pinterest dream weddings are the craze. LOL, and you all know I'm telling the truth.

I'm thankful for Mr. Handsome at this junction in my life. I understand that intimacy is not about fucking and I'm grateful that Mr. handsome not only knows that too, but applies it to his own life and that has set a wonderful pace for mutual respect that leads to growth.

Sitting in Mr. Handsome's man-cave ( the garage ) looking out at the snow, wrapped in my mint coat as he smoked a cigar, drank cognac and I drink tea and had my first ever sip of cognac, listening to music was one of the most erotic, imitate moments of the weekend.

 Ladies if we want men to stop thinking below our waist, we must do the same. If you want a different outcome in a relationship then maybe you have to do something different.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome. At some point in our lives we have to make changes, no matter how difficult it may be.  I've said it over and again, sex is not love and just because a man fucks your brains out does not been that he wants to build a future with you. Having a man that allows appropriate space for sex with the unplanned moments of dancing in the middle of the living room is a win-win.

As for me, I'm chasing my demons the fuck out of my life. I don't know where Mr. Handsome and I are going. In fact, I'm not looking for a particular destination, if we're there, great. In the meantime, I'm surely enjoying the journey.

Valentine Series: The Dilemma of Dating Postive!

It occurred to me that sometimes I make dating with HIV look easy, but it's not by any stretch of the imagination. I started thinking about this after I received an email last night from a woman with herpes who is afraid to date.

When I was first diagnosed with herpes, I was afraid. I remember trying to get an ex-boyfriend to have sex with me and he flat out turned me down. That was a blow.

Months later, I slowly started to venture out and found that while it was some hard shit disclosing, men actually respected me even more. I lucked up and met a guy that I dated for over a year. But low and behold he had herpes too.

After that relationship was over, disclosing became easier, mainly because I rarely had an herpes outbreak. For a long time I would only have an outbreak once every three years or so. Then came HIV, then came AIDS, then came fame and they were all game changers.

HIV positive people have the fear of rejection but also the burden of the disease.  When I first learned my status I was scared beyond belief. "Who the hell was gonna want me," was all I could think about. I was young, pretty and upwardly mobile - all the things that would make me perfect in the eyes of a man, so I thought, but then came HIV.

I remember right after I was diagnosed with HIV,  I was a hot freaking mess. A guy that I use to talk to moved to Washington where I was staying at the same month. I avoided him like the plague. Then I gave in and had dinner with him one night. I write about this in my memoir, the guilt that swarmed over me having sex with him, and not disclosing my HIV status. But it was so new for me and I was so afraid. The good thing, he was always a condom guy, so I didn't have to convince him to use them, but the guilt I felt was insurmountable, even with "safe sex." After that night I totally shut down and stayed clear of men and dating. 

Then I met this guy that I really liked. I put on my big girl panties and told. Now, how do you tell a person that you have an STD? For sure at the kitchen table with your clothes on. Sexing and disclosing at the same time is dangerous.

Disclosing your status,  there is always the fear of rejection and judgment, "what will he think of me?" But I couldn't see myself making a judgement for another person's body. While I could have rationalized that I'm keeping him "safe" by using condoms, as the saying goes, "shit happens" what if ? ... and I never wanted that burden, so I always disclose.

I fundamentally think that you take away a persons choice when you don't disclose and you have no right to make that decision for another person's body. It just might mean that causal sex gets thrown out the window. Simply because no one really wants to disclose to someone that they are not planning to be serious with, but the fact remains serious or not, that person is baring some risk each time they lay down with you. No one has the right to decide for another person's body. So, hell or high water, I disclose.

And sexing without disclosure in these times that can be dangerous. Remember the young lady Cicely that I blogged about, who was murdered after she disclosed her HIV status but after she had sex with a guy? Read HERE! I don't know what he was thinking when she disclosed, but she for sure took away his choice. He was not infected, but just the thought that you put me at risk without my permission is a hard one to stomach. So now she is dead and he is in jail.

For sure, over time dating with HIV became easier, but disclosing was never easy. Even today, while most men that approach me know that I have HIV, I still have to disclose the herpes. For a long time, I didn't talk about herpes publicly, unless in a gig if someone asked if I ever had another STD. I think I didn't talk about it because I was not affected by it up until 7 years ago when out of nowhere I developed this drug resistant herpes. I'm not gonna to rehash my herpes drama you can read HERE.

Now take the guy I'm talking to now, Mr. Handsome, when he approached me he knew that I had HIV, but I remember about a week in I said to him, "I need to let you know that I have herpes" when I tell you the 5 seconds it took for him to return a response I felt like I was going to suffocate. His response, "I know, I read it in one of your blogs," and he didn't miss a beat, "that's what condoms are for," and we went on to the next topic.

In the twenty-nine years that I have known my HIV status disclosing has never gotten easy. You always think, "What will he think of me. Will he still want me?"

This is what I found. A relationship was easier while I was living in secret with my status. Since my divorce fifteen years ago, dating the public me has been difficult. I have had some relationships but they have been far and few. The fact is, I've had more sex than relationships.

While men still want to have sex with me, my hardest hurdle is the fact that I'm such a public person. Who wants to date a woman when everyone knows she has HIV and herpes.

Just recently one of my mentee's told me that she was talking to a guy and things were going great until some of his boys met and recognized her. They said, "Man you know she use to date, Tom and she gave him HIV and he's dead now."  I'm going to deal with this kind of branding in another blog for sure, but the fact is, the guy backed all the way up once it was clear that others speculated that she was infected.

Not only do I have the burden of being this public person, I blog about my freaking life. So any man that dates me, run the risk that I will blog about where our lives intersect. For sure Mr. Handsome recognizes my gift and supports my work, but the relationship is very young, so there's a part of me that wants to keep him shielded from raw public scrutiny until we get pass this "super new stage". He told me case in point, "I don't give a fuck what a person thinks about me being with you", now that's a man, who is his own man.

For sure dating with a sexually transmitted disease is hard. I don't want you to think I'm bushing over that fact. But honestly up front is always your best bet. Since I've started blogging about my herpes, I've had some people to reach out and say that they are starting to be more comfortable in their skin since I've been blogging about my own herpes drama. I'm glad that my transparency is helping others.

 The bottom line, you will never know if a person is willing to be with you unless you make the attempt. This is what I want you to get, the rejection isn't of you, it's of the disease; the fear of the disease, the lack of education and understanding of the disease but mostly the stigma of the disease.

Now I blogged about dating sites for positive people with STD a while back. I signed up but nothing came of it. In like 2 weeks I had over 500 views of my profile but no conversations that lasted beyond a wink. Then it hit me, I said in my profile that, "I'm a very public person with my status and people will know that you are dating a women with AIDS" DEAD! LOL!

I just went ahead and deleted my profile and honestly, I was already talking to Mr. Handsome and good lawd, he had all of my attention. I don't double dip even in early stages. I want to give him all of my attention so we can bond without other barriers.

But one of my avid readers who is HIV positive reached out to me about Positive Singles for my private opinion.  I told her that she had nothing to lose. The most recent report is that she is actually talking to someone she met on Positive Singles and they were planning to meet soon. So dating sites are an easy place to meet someone positive. At least formalities are out of the way. You both come to he table on equal footing and thats a good thing. Remember, meeting a person does not always mean that you are compatible. You can checkout my blog post on dating positive HERE Part One! Part Two HERE!

As we are all thinking about Valentines Day and the possibility of being alone. I want to encourage all my positive readers: Don't give up on yourself! You deserve the best! The fact is, God woke you up this morning and that means there is still an earthly plan for your life. I believe that there is someone for everyone. Continue to live in your truths and your worth.

Don't let people horde space that don't deserve your worth. There is no need to sacrifice yourself respect for companionship. There is no need to let stigma keep you in a faux of fear. Be clear, your worth is not rooted in your status, but rather in that fact that you were created in God's image, wonderfully made.

I know, I know,  you're  saying,  it's easy for me to say, when I will be spending Valentine's Day with a wonderful man who respects me and likes the fuck out of me. I understand your fear and loneliness.  It's been at least 3 years since I've been on a date and 4 1/2 years since I've had sex. I'm a living witness that if you continue to be your best you, you create a positive energy that will come back to you. Don't give up on yourself because God as not given up on you.

Valentine Series: When It's New!!

When you first start talking to a guy you are always thinking about what's too soon and what's too much. You know, stuff like: How soon should I have sex with him? How often should we talk? If he doesn't call on one day, does that mean he's not thinking about me? If I call or text him first or often will he think I'm needy?

When it's new we are always in a state of what next, what's too soon and how should I behave as a woman. I know that this still runs true for me, even at 51. I've actually been "talking" to a wonderful man for the last couple of months and you take an A-type personality like me, I over think everything. And then growing up where the only thing that was normal was an abnormal life, I have had to feel my way in this world around relationships. I've been very open about my crazy dating life. At some point, I want to get it right. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome is the definition of insanity. I'm on the path of getting it right.

The one thing that Mr. Handsome, as I like to call him, is teaching me, is patience. Often times we meet a guy and the chemistry is right and, good lawd, we want it all right then and now. But the fact of the matter, the best relationships are the ones that grow organically. With mutual respect, you take it each day as it goes. If you take your time, you will actually find it exciting to see what's next. Organic growth has no time-frame, it just grows naturally, and you both feel it deep within.

I know with Mr. Handsome, it feels like I've known him a whole lot longer than what I have and he has indicated the same thing to me. That can sometimes confuse the fact that it is still new. You both feel the connection and that can be scary and exhilarating all at the same time.

Mr. Handsome and I have the extra burden of distance. It's not like you can have a date-night when you want.  So trying to make sense out of what's right when it feels right it not always easy, and miles just complicate it even more. Men tend to be more practical, they  think, "What am I getting myself into? This woman lives miles away from me? If I keep going how will we work the distance out?"  Honestly, you don't always know what the fuck you are doing or where it's going, you just know that you are growing and you go with the flow of the growth, now that's organic.

Over all, this is what I think about new relationships. You have to respect the man that he is. For example, Mr. Handsome is not into any of this Social Media stuff, which is a great balance to me. Nor is he a big texter or phone talker. Welllllll, y'all know I sleep with my Ipad, lol so somewhere, he and I have to meet in the middle. If I respect the man that he is and he respects me, which he does, we work at it mutually. We talk, but I don't try to make him talk to me all night. I do reach out to him everyday, but I wasn't calling him on Sunday's interrupting his football time. Like, for real ladies, will those few hours he's enjoying sports or a cigar with the guys, be a game changer? Let him enjoy life. The fact is, each of you come to the table with your own lives and they should be respected.

I try not to over think any of it. When I wake up, if he is heavy on my mind I reach out and it's the same in the evening. If I have work to do that's pressing then I reach out later. His day starts long before mine. If I haven't reached out by late morning, he typically reaches out to me, "Good Morning Gorgeous," comes across my phone. *giggles* But if we don't connect until later in the day, it shouldn't change a thing. It just means you respect his/her day and time. Don't throw the baby out with the bath water.

We can't always talk throughout the day, but for sure, if a man wants to hear your voice and feel your spirit, he will find you no matter how busy the both of you are.

So what about sex? Well, I've never been one to play dick and pussy games. I'm a grown ass woman and have been for a very long time. I  don't withhold sex as a measure of how much he likes and respects me. I remember back in my 20's this guy had been wooing the heck out of me, flowers, calls even telegrams for months. It was a distance relationship, and I had an opportunity to have sex with him a few times when we were in the same town, but opted not to. I was holding back so that he didn't think that I was a whore, but he eventually moved to Chicago to work.

So when he got here, it was on! I mean it was on! Then toward the end of the second week, he dropped the bomb, his girlfriend was coming to town. WTH??????? My lesson learned. An asshole is an asshole no matter when you have sex.

What should matter is the connection that you have for each other. What should matter is the mutual respect that you have for each other. Respect that begins with a discussion about the role of sex in your relationship. If you have not talked about condom use and HIV testing then you definitely are not ready for sex. For sure, giving a man your innermost self is a big move. You should be comfortable with him and comfortable in your own skin when with him.

As for me and Mr. Handsome, welllllll, we are taking it one day at a time. He has said, "This distance shit is new for me." I must respect this fact.  The only thing I've asked of him, is to not shut down on his emotions.  So if he continues to allow us to grow, even with distance, and if I allow us to grow at a natural pace, we are for sure on an organic path. For sure he makes me feel like a lady and I like how that feels.

I don't have all the answers, but I'm learning to take my time.  Sometimes time can be your best friend. When the relationship is new, allow it to be new, stop trying to be in love, when you are still learning to like each other.

When Women Don't Listen to Men...

The problem with women is we don't listen to what men tell us even when we hear them. Our inability to listen then turns into heartache. Let me break it down. Now hearing is a physiological act whereas, listening is a psychological act.

You see, listening is the interpretive action taken to help understand the sound waves. Well, this should be the case, however, it can be clouded by his actions on the one hand, and our desires on the other. Both of these things interfere with our ability to interpret what we hear.

It's like this, when a man tells you up front that he does not want a relationship, it should be cut and dry. BUT the problem is, his actions and our desires. Let's take his actions, he calls you everyday and text you throughout the day. Those things are typically interpreted as getting to know each other better, right, righttttt. The question then is, why do we need to get to know each other better if we aren't headed for something?

Here lies the problem, the texting and calling leads to bonding and so we women, me included, don't really listen when he tells you over and over that he does not want a relationship. It's like we internalize his actions rather than what he has said.

Based on his actions we think, "Damn, we are really connecting. He must really like me." It's like this, we think the him liking us, will change his mind. I mean why would a man who has connected in a  wonderful way with you, not want more with you?

Then some of us women say, "I know if I lay that, sugar thang on him, he will surely want more," but we fail to realize that good sex ain't even close to love. A man can fuck your brains out and not love you, or like you, for that matter. These are the problems that occur when we hear and don't listen.

Then the hurt happens because we heard him but did not listen. I've been there more times than I would like to admit. I remember after my divorce well over 15 years ago I started "talking" to this fine chocolate brotha who was 8 years younger than me. We had some great chemistry between the sheets. Now the entire time I was seeing him, he made it clear that he wanted children and he saw HIV as a risk he was not prepared to take with a child. Risk for mother to child transmission was greater than it is today.

But I was laying that good stuff on him, so somewhere I was hoping to turn him around. He was incredibility successful for his age and I thought that we would make a great couple. But I just wasn't listening. I heard him loud and clear, but I didn't listen. We kept doing that thang and he kept right on looking for a wife.

Now I'm going to be honest right here, I continued to see him, because honestly, I was lonely and something was better than nothing, at least that's how I use to think.

This was also that era where I made myself believe that I must be all that if a man couldn't stay out of my bed and between my infected legs. I had my self-worth twisted all between my legs.

About two years into that thing, I started working on my demons in therapy. I knew that I wanted to live whole and healthy both emotionally and physically.  I started putting in the time, deconstructing my madness, so that I could reconstruct wholeness.

The whole time that I was working on me I was still laying it on brotha man and yep he was still looking for a wife.  I'm not sure when I came to that place of wholeness deep within, but I remember the day I acted on it like it was yesterday.

I was at the gym working out, and brotha man's "girlfriend," the woman he had finally chosen to be his wife, came in as I was finishing up. We spoke.  She started working out and I went to the locker room. It's a small world sometimes.

I showered and made a b-line to brotha man's apartment while she was still working out. Of course he asked did I see her there. *SMDH* at what women think they know about their man.

When I tell you the lovin was some kind of good, good lawd I mean it. When the sex was over I went to the bathroom to wash my body and her bra and other clothes were scattered around. When I tell you I felt a certain kind of way, I mean that shit. I will never forget the ugly I felt at that moment.  Washing my ass in that bathroom looking at her undergarments made me feel cheap. I dressed in silence. When we were on the elevator he sense that something was wrong.  He grabbed my hand and asked,
"Are you ok?'
 "No,"" I responded.
"Is there anything I can do," he inquired.
"No, but there is something that I can do."

I walked off that elevator and out of his life. He kept right on calling, even after he asked her to marry him and even after he married her.

But I was on a journey to wholeness by then and for sure there is no penis worth my spirit or my self worth. It was also at this time that I made a promise to myself. If you can't walk with me in the day light, you can't have no choochie in the dark and I have not broken that promise to myself.

But even today, years later as hard as I try my best to live whole, I still know how hard it is to really listen to what a man is telling you. It's hard because no one wants to be alone. It's been extra hard for me lately because I am lonely. I've mostly met two kinds of men in the recent years, men who want to fuck me, but don't want anyone to know they are fucking me, or men who like the image of dating me but are a dime late and a dollar short turning it into something meaningful. Sometimes I get a tad confused, but not for long. I will take loneliness any day over my self worth. I like me and I like what I have become. I fought hard for Rae and I just can't sacrifice her.

So how do you reconcile what you hear with a person's actions? People say that action speaks louder than words, but that's not always true. Sometimes action is more emotionally favorable, than words and cloud the truth that lays within the words.

There is a thin line between hearing and listening. Reconciling it can be hard, but at the end of the day, what should guide you, is how you feel. Noooo, not how you feel when you are between the sheets or how you feel when you are actually talking or texting, but rather how you feel in your quite space.  You see in that quite space is when God speaks to us. How you feel in that space, should guide your action outside of that space.

At the end of the day, you can't make someone love you or want you or want more with you. No matter how much you bond. No matter how good the chemistry is in bed or out of bed for that matter. No matter how much you like him.

Whatever barriers a person has that prevents them from taking a risk with you, you should not alter your worth.  Each person has to make the best decision for themselves and we should respect their choice. Remember that your worth is not altered by their choice. What does altered your worth however, is when we hear and don't listen and act not out of the truth of his words but the contradiction of his actions.