I Am More Than My Vagina..

I learned something about myself this weekend that made me understand how far I've come in my thinking verses the application of what I know, as it relates to dating and sex.

I've been saying over and over again that it's not enough to know better, that at some point you have to apply the knowledge to your life so that you can be your best you. It is true that we are products of our past. It teaches us good, bad and indifference. It shapes who we are, which influences what we do. I know this has been the case for me. I also understand, that we do not have to be a prisoner to our past.

My former therapist used to drill into me that discipline is a transferable skill. That you can apply discipline to all things in your life and at the end of discipline is feeling good about yourself. It's the difference between eating 3 cookies or 15 cookies.  Each will dictate how you feel about yourself, once it's said and done. Well, that same thing applies to dating.

This is what I'm talking about. I spent Valentine weekend with Mr. Handsome. It was a really great weekend of bonding and intimacy. No, not sex, per-say, but intimacy. So what's the problem? Well, I realized that my demons are relentless and that I still have work to do on myself. Before I go any further, I must pause and say having a man in your life who is confident in himself goes a long way in achieving your goal.

Well it's like this, I was so use to men wanting to fuck all the time that I almost missed the most important moments of the weekend.

Mr. Handsome is a few years older than me. He has been around the world, seen all and done all - and while sex is great, good lawd, it was not his focus of spending time with me ... And for a slim moment I started to wonder if there was something wrong with me. I think it's a deep contradiction that women want men to treat them like a woman important beyond her vagina, but when he does, you doubt the very thing that you are seeking.

It made me wonder how many women out there defined how great the Valentine weekend was by the sex? And then how many women had men in their life that expected the sex, and then more sex. I remember a few years ago someone tweeted that if a man takes you to an expensive restaurant, don't pull out the flannels but sexy lingerie.

I tweeted that my vagina wasn't for sale. I meant that, but now I look back and I see the argument of the expectation of sex that rules our thoughts and behavior. While sex is one aspect of a relationship, it should not rule. Mr. Handsome said to me, "there's more to life then simply fucking." In our honest discussion about it, he was clear, I don't need to fuck all day to enjoy you.

I know that I am more than my vagina, but I'm also clear that our past behaviors are not easily broken; well I'll speak for myself. The one thing for sure that Mr. Handsome is teaching me is patience on the one hand, and appropriate growth in an relationship on the other hand. Women are so brainwashed with the pretty woman syndrome. Most of us have married him in our heads when you are still really getting to know each other. Case in point, Pinterest dream weddings are the craze. LOL, and you all know I'm telling the truth.

I'm thankful for Mr. Handsome at this junction in my life. I understand that intimacy is not about fucking and I'm grateful that Mr. handsome not only knows that too, but applies it to his own life and that has set a wonderful pace for mutual respect that leads to growth.

Sitting in Mr. Handsome's man-cave ( the garage ) looking out at the snow, wrapped in my mint coat as he smoked a cigar, drank cognac and I drink tea and had my first ever sip of cognac, listening to music was one of the most erotic, imitate moments of the weekend.

 Ladies if we want men to stop thinking below our waist, we must do the same. If you want a different outcome in a relationship then maybe you have to do something different.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome. At some point in our lives we have to make changes, no matter how difficult it may be.  I've said it over and again, sex is not love and just because a man fucks your brains out does not been that he wants to build a future with you. Having a man that allows appropriate space for sex with the unplanned moments of dancing in the middle of the living room is a win-win.

As for me, I'm chasing my demons the fuck out of my life. I don't know where Mr. Handsome and I are going. In fact, I'm not looking for a particular destination, if we're there, great. In the meantime, I'm surely enjoying the journey.

Valentines Series: The End!

I've been blogging all week, and after sitting at my computer for hours trying to come up with something deep and profound to say on Valentine's Day, I actually drew a blank. Then it occurred to me that all I really want to say to you is, use a condom. No need to be extra in this last post in the series. I hope that I have given you lots to think about all week long and I hope that some of it will stay with you as you muddle through life and love.

The fact is, no matter how much I drill it home, you still have to make the decision to let self-love be your guide. This is what I know to be true, that we don't really know what another person has done or will do. All we can truly know is what we do and what we see.

We make a whole lot of assumptions about our partners don't we; what they would or would not do. Even what we think they are doing when they tell us what they are doing. The fact is, unless you have eyes everywhere, all you can hope for is the truth. That is, what they tell you is true.

Given this fact, this is what I know: If the penis ain't in your pocket you have no idea what it's doing when it ain't with you. What I know to be true, is that I have had sex with another woman's boyfriend, and even husband, while HIV infected. I have even lain in bed, while he talked to the wife and then resumed doing the do. Thank God that I found the strength to love myself.

What I know for sure is that you can only be accountable for your own body, and at the end of the day, your own life. We have taken the blame out of HIV as should be. No one deserves to get HIV; NO ONE!  But what I also know to be true, is each day we make choices about our bodies. The choice to have sex  and the choice to not have sex. The choice to have sex with a condom and the choice to have sex without a condom.

My prayer is that you will make the healthiest choice. Remember this, some things cannot be undone.  It is a fact, there is no sex worth your life. If you become infected we can treat you and you can live a long time, but understand this, HIV is a game charger and that's a fact.

At the end of the day, there is no sex worth your life! Use a Condom! The End!

PS... Happy Valetine's Day! My gift to you is 30% off RLT Collection until midnight tonight. The coupon code is Valentine SHOP HERE!

Valentine Series: When It's New!!

When you first start talking to a guy you are always thinking about what's too soon and what's too much. You know, stuff like: How soon should I have sex with him? How often should we talk? If he doesn't call on one day, does that mean he's not thinking about me? If I call or text him first or often will he think I'm needy?

When it's new we are always in a state of what next, what's too soon and how should I behave as a woman. I know that this still runs true for me, even at 51. I've actually been "talking" to a wonderful man for the last couple of months and you take an A-type personality like me, I over think everything. And then growing up where the only thing that was normal was an abnormal life, I have had to feel my way in this world around relationships. I've been very open about my crazy dating life. At some point, I want to get it right. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome is the definition of insanity. I'm on the path of getting it right.

The one thing that Mr. Handsome, as I like to call him, is teaching me, is patience. Often times we meet a guy and the chemistry is right and, good lawd, we want it all right then and now. But the fact of the matter, the best relationships are the ones that grow organically. With mutual respect, you take it each day as it goes. If you take your time, you will actually find it exciting to see what's next. Organic growth has no time-frame, it just grows naturally, and you both feel it deep within.

I know with Mr. Handsome, it feels like I've known him a whole lot longer than what I have and he has indicated the same thing to me. That can sometimes confuse the fact that it is still new. You both feel the connection and that can be scary and exhilarating all at the same time.

Mr. Handsome and I have the extra burden of distance. It's not like you can have a date-night when you want.  So trying to make sense out of what's right when it feels right it not always easy, and miles just complicate it even more. Men tend to be more practical, they  think, "What am I getting myself into? This woman lives miles away from me? If I keep going how will we work the distance out?"  Honestly, you don't always know what the fuck you are doing or where it's going, you just know that you are growing and you go with the flow of the growth, now that's organic.

Over all, this is what I think about new relationships. You have to respect the man that he is. For example, Mr. Handsome is not into any of this Social Media stuff, which is a great balance to me. Nor is he a big texter or phone talker. Welllllll, y'all know I sleep with my Ipad, lol so somewhere, he and I have to meet in the middle. If I respect the man that he is and he respects me, which he does, we work at it mutually. We talk, but I don't try to make him talk to me all night. I do reach out to him everyday, but I wasn't calling him on Sunday's interrupting his football time. Like, for real ladies, will those few hours he's enjoying sports or a cigar with the guys, be a game changer? Let him enjoy life. The fact is, each of you come to the table with your own lives and they should be respected.

I try not to over think any of it. When I wake up, if he is heavy on my mind I reach out and it's the same in the evening. If I have work to do that's pressing then I reach out later. His day starts long before mine. If I haven't reached out by late morning, he typically reaches out to me, "Good Morning Gorgeous," comes across my phone. *giggles* But if we don't connect until later in the day, it shouldn't change a thing. It just means you respect his/her day and time. Don't throw the baby out with the bath water.

We can't always talk throughout the day, but for sure, if a man wants to hear your voice and feel your spirit, he will find you no matter how busy the both of you are.

So what about sex? Well, I've never been one to play dick and pussy games. I'm a grown ass woman and have been for a very long time. I  don't withhold sex as a measure of how much he likes and respects me. I remember back in my 20's this guy had been wooing the heck out of me, flowers, calls even telegrams for months. It was a distance relationship, and I had an opportunity to have sex with him a few times when we were in the same town, but opted not to. I was holding back so that he didn't think that I was a whore, but he eventually moved to Chicago to work.

So when he got here, it was on! I mean it was on! Then toward the end of the second week, he dropped the bomb, his girlfriend was coming to town. WTH??????? My lesson learned. An asshole is an asshole no matter when you have sex.

What should matter is the connection that you have for each other. What should matter is the mutual respect that you have for each other. Respect that begins with a discussion about the role of sex in your relationship. If you have not talked about condom use and HIV testing then you definitely are not ready for sex. For sure, giving a man your innermost self is a big move. You should be comfortable with him and comfortable in your own skin when with him.

As for me and Mr. Handsome, welllllll, we are taking it one day at a time. He has said, "This distance shit is new for me." I must respect this fact.  The only thing I've asked of him, is to not shut down on his emotions.  So if he continues to allow us to grow, even with distance, and if I allow us to grow at a natural pace, we are for sure on an organic path. For sure he makes me feel like a lady and I like how that feels.

I don't have all the answers, but I'm learning to take my time.  Sometimes time can be your best friend. When the relationship is new, allow it to be new, stop trying to be in love, when you are still learning to like each other.