Usher-Herpes and Disclosure...

When I first heard about the lawsuit against Usher, I made no attempt to learn any of the details. I dismissed that shit weeks ago when I heard about the supposedly green discharge coming out of Usher's penis, (which is not a symptom of herpes) but was claimed in the first alleged law suit according to the tabloid outlets. I was suspect.

But really, personally, I respect Usher's right to privacy so I had decided to let it ride. Living with a STD is so very personal. But then after the press conference yesterday with the woman who is suing Usher because he could have infected her, but didn't, I thought that maybe I needed to weigh in.

Let me say right off the bat, according to a California law, it is against the law for a person with a sexually transmitted disease (STD) to have sex and not disclosure that information to their sexual partner prior to the sexual encounter. (And there lays the biggest problem for me; the criminalization of a medical condition.)

Whether the STD is Herpes or HIV, the law requires disclosure. Now, I'm not a lawyer but this is the legal bases for the law suit. What I don't know is if the sex had to happen in the state of California? I'm still trying to unpack this legal portion.

Background: Apparently,  the claim of court documents published by Radar Online and other tabloid sites indicated that Usher was allegedly diagnosed with herpes between 2009-2010. The articles claim that in 2012 Usher was allegedly sued by Maya Fox-Davis and settled the case for over a million dollars. This may be true, but honestly I'm still trying to find a legitimate source. None of the tabloid articles show the actual court documents. And might I add, that all the legitimate news sources are reporting based on the tabloid articles. So based on these tabloid reports that Usher has herpes, other alleged sexual partners of Ushers have come forward, two women and one man in a lawsuit handled by Lisa Bloom. While one of the persons in the suit is named "Jane Doe" and one "John Doe," one person Quantasia Sharpton, also named in the suit held a press conference with Lisa Bloom, the attorney of record.

Apparently, Quantasia tested NEGATIVE for herpes but is suing Usher for what he might have done. At her base line, is the issue of consent. She indicated, that she would have never had a one night stand with Usher had she known he had herpes and by not disclosing, he took away her choice. I hear you girl! I agree, you should have had the right to choose the terms of your one night stand.

At the end of the day though, I'm just thankful that she was not infected. This is especially true since she had a child after her alleged sexual encounter with Usher. It means her child was never exposed to Herpes. Mother to child transmission is one of the greatest risk for a woman with herpes. The way I see it, she just learned of Usher's alleged herpes status with the rest of us, so there's no long term emotional abuse. Quantasia is not infected, she had an alleged fun night with a celebrity, walked away from that alleged sexual encounter, started a family and kept it moving. I say, what you didn't know, didn't hurt you, go in peace. 

Making an example out of Usher for something he could have done, girl that's like calling the kettle black. I can think of a whole lot of lessons to be learned from this alleged sexual encounter that happened with two people who knew each other for less then two hours. But God forbid, I'm accused of slut shamming either of them, so I'll leave that one alone.

But I will say, if I  ummmm get invited to a fine ass celebrity's hotel room,  just pick one, yep him, you better believe I'm going to take, not one pack but two packs of condoms, just in case, us two consenting adults decide to do that thang. Cause shoot, I already got two STD's, and with my damaged immune system, I surly don't want anything else. At the end of the day, you never know who got what. I understand in 2017, that an STD's know no race, class, or gender. It's all equal in the game of unprotected sex. 

Now, on to the next point, but I should also add that at least one person in the law suit  against Usher has tested positive for herpes, but whether the person was infected by Usher is for a court to decide.

Bottom Line
 Lisa Bloom has filed this law suit to shame Usher into disclosing whether or not he actually has herpes and possibility broke the law by not disclosing his status to his partners prior to sex so she can pursue damages. This is ambulance chasing at its best. 

Be clear herpes is very common. The CDC reports that 1-6 persons have herpes in the United States. Furthermore, most have not been diagnosed.  Most cases are "subclinical" meaning there are not recurrent symptoms. So lets say, you have never been tested for herpes, but you have been exposed, at the end of the day, unless you test all of your sexual partners, you can't really claim one person. The way it could be narrowed down is with your very first outbreak which usually  appears within 4 days  after exposure but as long as 12 days. Mostly people go through life  with very little clinical manifestations of genital herpes and research shows that recurrent outbreaks lessen over time, unless you are immunocompromise like me.

I mean real talk here. I dated a guy that had a herpes legion on his penis, and I asked him what it was. He told me that it was some kind of skin thing that he get maybe once a year and by the time he thinks about going to the doctor, it's gone. We had the flight from hell, me trying to convince him that it was herpes. That's how many people in the real world deal with herpes.


With three plaintiffs on board, I see a big payday if it proves to be true. Which is my second big problem, for sure I think the methodology is tacky and I'm being nice? This type of strong arming tactics  is extremely problematic and makes it even harder for people living with a STD. The headlines, the memes, the jokes, the speculation all help to create an environment that strengthens stigma and shame. Who would ever want to disclose in this climate, especially a person of means.

I have so much to say as woman living with both HIV and Herpes. I know that I'm walking a thin line between what is legal, politically and ethically correct, but these are some truths that people with an incurable sexually transmitted disease live with everyday.

First of all, I do believe that a person should disclose  to their partner that they are living with a sexually transmitted disease. I believe it creates a foundation of trust from the beginning. It also says to the person, I respect your right to make a choice about your body and life.  Now, I know others,  even physicians who treat HIV, that believe the stigma is so thick it leaves people in isolation and therefore, disclosure should be secondary to getting to know a person. Especially now that a person living with HIV with an undetectable viral load cannot transmit HIV. I wonder how they feel about herpes. I'll do some checking and get back.


So while I think one should disclose early, I also understand the hinderance to disclosure, leaves one walking a tight rope. The  shame and the stigma already attached to STD's and then the personal damage done to a person after disclosure. Remember Charlie Sheen, he disclosed his HIV status and the woman took a picture of his medicine cabinet and blackmailed him. Remember the young girl I blogged about Cicely Boden who was murdered after she disclosed her HIV status. The fear is real. Even me, in my early days, I had to make real sure that a person wasn't going to take my information and use it against me. For sure I was diligent about condom use, but I was trotting a thin line. To tell a man I had herpes was one thing but to tell him I also had HIV, for sure made me hands down look like a whore. When in real life, shit happens and that effects our lives.

Disclosure is tricky, I mean, especially if you're just hookin up. I mean one night stands and hook-ups are trick, trick tricky when it comes to disclosure. Who wants to tell something so personal to someone who you have known for a few hours, or you are not that serious about?  But again, who's having sex like that in 2017? Yes, there was a tad of shaming in my last sentence I admit. Don't get me wrong. I'm not knocking you doing your thang! But for the love of yourself, if you are hookin up, then use a fucking Condom.  I admit, disclosure is one thing and condom use is another and they should both be taken seriously.

But when it comes to disclosure, what about those early days of a potential relationship? How soon do you tell? Before or after you learn that he leaves the toilet seat up. What happens when you tell and learn that his credit score is jacked up, or he's full of shit. When do you tell? Who do you trust with information that can damage your reputation in a matter of minutes? Even after I started disclosing to my partners, I didn't tell my mother until right before the Essence Magazine article was released for fear of being deemed a slut by a mother who never faced that her husband was a child molester.

This is the bottom line, neither of these STD's is a walk in the park. Why not get your groove on and love yourself at the same time. No one has the luxury of sex without a Condom. I was talking to an OBGYN doctor and she said that she makes her husband use a condom. After twenty years of seeing any and everything in her clinics, she's not taking a chance.

More To Come...

Shaming Around HIV/AIDS is a MOTHERFUCKER!

I'm taking a break from work over the Holiday, but I felt in my spirit that I needed to address this before the year is out! The month of January on this blog will be about being your best you! So I needed to say this now because some shit I just don't want to take with me into 2013!

I am so bothered by the stigma and shaming around HIV/AIDS! It is an absolute MOTHERFUCKER! It is crazy that in 2013 someone can spread rumors and use the POSSIBILITY of someone having HIV/AIDS against them. It speaks loud and clear toward the attitudes that people have not only about this disease, but the people who have it. And I'm going on record, I will stomp that shit out every time it comes to me.

It came to me on yesterday A male friend who I have become friendly with, "talking," to, whatever you want to call it, told me that a family member of there's is spreading the rumor that he has HIV and that's the reason he wants to be with me.

Now this person is spreading this rumor to hurt both of us I'm sad to say. Now, I don't much really care because what I know for sure, whatsoever a person sows that shall they also reap. But I'm not so super saved that I can't see a situation or a person for what they are. A narcissistic, sociopath is just that and they spend most of their life trying as best as they can to wreck havoc over a persons life that they cannot control! That's a fact! I'm NOT CONTROLLABLE another FACT! 

So in this blog post, I'm not focused on that issue or that person. I'm just going to put her ass in a box and throw some Holy Oil her way and say a Prayer. When someone shows you who they are, you better believe that shit, or you deserve whatever they bring your way.

What I really want to unpack is this. Yes, on one level it's some wild, mean and crazy shit that a person would try to destroy another person by saying that they have AIDS, when in fact they do not. But it's an entirely other issue when a person can actually use that against someone. It says something about the person who is listening to the gossip. It speaks to small minds. The fact that HIV/ADS can be used against someone speaks to how people feel about HIV and the people who have it.

Now, If someone told me that a family member or someone I knew close to me had AIDS. First off, I would stop them in their messy shit right there! Especially if they bring it to me wrap around bullshit. Bullshit is what it is, and when you participate you stink up your life too.  For example, recently, I was talking to a mentee about this guy that was trying to,"talk" to her and as soon as she added the business of another woman in the equation, I STOPPED her. I said," I don't want to hear that shit, it's none of my business or yours."

Secondly, that's not your information to tell!  How dare you?

And how the fuck do you know? Have you seen an HIV test result? Have you been spying on them when and with whom they fuck? Are you assuming it because they like someone with HIV?

Or are you mad because the infected person don't want to fuck you? It's like the boy in high school that spreads the rumor that a girl is a whore, because she won't give them the time of day.

Thirdly, lets take it to the next level, I would say, so fuckin what? Why are you telling me this; so that WE can help them or is this information sharing to create messy shit? And why would you create messy shit for someone you claim that you love?

And why do YOU believe them? Because they are smart and nice? Well, all sociopaths are. Ted Bundy was a raising star in the Republican Party and was killing women for fun. That's what they do, live, excellent, high functioning lives, but try to control everything and everyone around them. Sometimes with gifts, other times with their mouth and quiet charm. Everything they do is about control, everything is about them, even when they are trying to say it's about you, every word out their mouth is for them. You can't see pass narcissistic, charm, but you can EXAMINE YOUR damn self!  

You need to check yourself! Why is this information juicy to me? What am I going to do with it and why?

The only conversation I MIGHT have  depending on how they bring it to me, is how are we going to help them? How are we going to support them and make life better for them? Not use it as a tool against them to keep shit going.

A person can only use HIV/AIDS against someone, if YOU feel a certain way about HIV and people with HIV. If you see HIV as ugly, rather than a health issue that needs support, then the information becomes  one of accusatory... Accusation....

The fact of the matter, accusatory and accusation mode is some uneducated, antiquated shit. We are 33 years into the AIDS pandemic. There have been so many medical advances around HIV/AIDS. There is so much knowledge, too much, for someone to still be operating in the ugly with HIV. Get the hell out of is a time capsule and advance your thinking with technology.

ME! See Fine!

A family member asked my friend would they actually have sex with me? And he said yes because he has EDUCATED himself on HIV/AIDS.

He knows that a latex condom used 100% of the time correctly prevents the spread of HIV.

Yes, because the chance is about 3% that an HIV infected person who takes their medication and who have a non-detectable viral load, (ALL of which I have) would infect that person, EVEN IF we DON'T use condoms.

Yes, because a non-infected person can actually take the newly approved Truvada and it would give even extra assurance of preventing a person from contracting HIV.

Me! See Fine!

Yes, because I'm an educated, beautiful, compassionate, loving, woman who loves God! Yes, because he does not live in the spirit of discrimination and judgment but God's love. 

Yes, because I have done more with my life these 30 years with HIV then some people without HIV.

Yes because I have 27 years of education, gifted, anointed, smart, with a wonderful spirit and fine ass shit.. Just look at my pictures if you are confused on that fact! With AIDS, I'm still a BAD BITCH! Don't be confused! Nor am I ashamed of who I am, what I have, or how I use my life to help others.

The shaming around HIV/AIDS is mad! The fact is, we are a few days from 2013, this is NOT 1994 when I first got married and people believed and gossiped that my ex-husband must have HIV because he married me. He did not have HIV and to assume that I should not be loved because I have HIV is some cold hearted shit or to assume that the only person who would want me is someone with HIV is some narrow minded shit.

NO make-up and still Fine!

SHAMING around HIV/AIDS is mad! This kind of narrow minded was also a fact,  interestingly, when I divorced my ex-husband 15 years ago. Women wanted to know why would I leave a man who was willing to marry me with AIDS, as to say, "You know you ain't gonna get anyone else."

Why?  Because his ass was cheating; because his ass had stop speaking and was spending MY money on women; because he wanted to push! My mama beat my ass ain't no man gonna do it! Simply stated, I am NEVER going to let HIV run my life to the extent that I make unhealthy choices for myself. AIDS had not killed me, I wasn't going to let my ex-husband kill me either. So I divorced him.

But don't be confused, finding a sexual partner has been the least of my problem. Men are willing to fuck me! I have even had men with girlfriends and wives want to fuck. Yep, finding someone to fuck me is the least of my problems. My problem is that single men don't want anyone to know they fucking me because of what YOU may think of them for wanting to be with me.  SHAMING around HIV/AIDS is mad! I actually honor my friend that sees me for  the wonderful woman that I am, and is NOT ashamed of me nor afraid of me because they live in an educated understanding of HIV/AIDS.

NO SHAME! 

And be CLEAR I decided about 10 years ago, if you can't walk with me in the park in the delight, you can't have no pussy in the dark! So if their was some shame, he would not have gotten pass the second conversation with me.

 I LOVE me more than having a man in my life at any cost! Bullshit ain't nothing.

This stigma and shaming around HIV has got to STOP! The fact that someone can even use HIV/AIDS as fuel against someone 33 years into this pandemic shows how far we have got to go! How do we call ourselves Christians and listen to gossip and then repeat that shit like you know it to be true. And then bring that madness to the person like the person who told you got some inside scoop on who they fuck and when. Child PLEASEEEEE

And for those who actually do have family and friends living with HIV/AIDS, why are you talking to everyone else about it but the person living with it? People need to get it together!  STOP the SHAMING! 

This Isolation has got to STOP! 

Stigma and shaming around HIV/AIDS is mad business and it creates an environment that keep BLACK folks with 52% of the HIV cases in the US and we are 12% of the population. It puts us in a position where we 

1) Don't get tested because of how we treat people living with HIV. Who would want to know their HIV status in a world where someone can use it against them?

2) We don't disclose our HIV status when we do know and that isolation leads to depression which leads to even more unhealthy behavior and or not taking care of themselves.

3) Because we don't get tested, we infect others. 38% of all new cases are people infected by people who did not know that they had HIV.

4) We don't get treated until we have already developed AIDS because we never got tested. Which means you can't benefit from early treatment and care. Fact; The earlier you know the longer you live!

5) And those who do know they are infected don't take there medication regularly and seek medication treatment because they don't want people seeing them take their medication or going into an AIDS clinic for why YOU may think of them!

Stigma and Shaming around HIV/AIDS has got to STOP! We are killing each other with our fucking mouths!!

The Face of AIDS!!

Today is World AIDS Day! As people remember those that are infected and affected by HIV, I wanted to share one of my most candid, one on one interviews. It's with veteran reporter, owner of Heart and Soul Magazine, George Curry... I was honored that he asked. This interview was almost 5 hours to developed this two part series...

Facing AIDS Part One




Facing AIDS Part Two

Prima Donna No More: Facing HIV Discrimination

It felt like he had just slapped me in the face. His words hit harder than my Mama’s worst beating. I stood there frozen with this blank stare on my face. Awkward silence filled the air. He spoke again and it snapped me back to the reality of it all. “Uh, let me go double check with the tattoo artist,” he said nervously. “OK,” slowly came out of my mouth.

 As he walked away, I began reading the consent form that he had set in front of me. When I reached number three on the form, my eyes were glued to that spot. I read it over and over and over. It did say what I thought it said: “I agree that I do not have HIV.” “But I do have HIV,” I whispered to myself. 

The guy behind the counter who was waiting on me returned and snapped me out of it yet again. “Yes miss, the tattoo artist said NO. We don’t tattoo people with HIV.” He gave me back my driver’s license, picked up the consent form and gave me this silly “I’m sorry,” he said, "I’ll shred this.” Clearly this guy had no idea who I was and frankly at that moment the rule was the rule. We DON'T tattoo people with HIV.  Rae Lewis-Thornton and all I have HIV so a name meant nothing to him at that moment. 

I turned to my friends Deidre and Jason looking like I had been crushed. I could see by the expression on their faces that they had overheard the conversation. Shame swept over me, but I whispered to them anyway, “He told me that I couldn't get the tattoo because I have HIV.”

We walked out in silence and Deidre gave me a tight hug and whispered, “I’m sorry.” Jason and I got in the car and I drove in silence. After about 5 minutes I said “J, that’s weird. I went into the tattoo parlor on 12th Street and they told me that they do tattoo people with HIV all the time.” Jason felt helpless he could see my pain, but he just didn't know and he said so. 

My mind starting racing and silence filled the air yet again. In that five minutes of silence,  Shame, Confusion, Disappointment, and then Anger built up inside of me; but Anger pushed the others to the side.

“J,” I broke the silence again, “I think they just discriminated against me.” He said hesitantly, “You’d know better than me.” Then he suggested, “Let’s call some other places and see if you can get it somewhere else. "To hell with them!" He added. That was a good idea, so we both started calling other tattoo places and asked, If a person has HIV could they get a tattoo? After calling three tattoo parlors we received the same answer, “Yes, come on in.”

Driving down Chicago's Lake Shore Drive, I became a MAD BLACK WOMAN. All of my political fight came over me. I had not lived this long with HIV to get kicked in the gut. And to think I picked this African-American owned Tattoo Polar just to patronize them. Deidre had been talking about the good work that had done on a piecing for her, so I decided to give them a try.

I felt this uneasiness inside of me and I needed to know the truth. Had they broken the law or where they just some discriminating ass-wholes? 

I called information and got the telephone number to the AIDS Legal Counsel. I told the receptionist what happened. I was then connected to a lawyer. After I described the incident, she confirmed that I had indeed been discriminated against. They had violated the Americans with Disabilities Act, Chicago Human Rights Ordinances, as well as the State of Illinois Human Rights Act.

She then asked my name. “Rae Lewis-Thornton,” I mumbled. “Excuse me?" She hollered with excitement.  "Rae Lewis-Thornton the AIDS activist?” “Yes, that would be me,” I mumbled.

“WOW!” Ann Hilton Fisher exclaimed, “You have got to file a complaint! We need you on this one.” “Are you kidding me?” I thought. She had just hit me with a curve ball that I was not ready for. She could sense my hesitation. Ann started talking again, “You know Rae, you have been a prima donna with AIDS. Everyone likes you because you are on TV and the cover of magazines. Welcome to the real world.”

This was the real world. The new discrimination is covert, small things that people take for granted every day. Like getting a tattoo or having a massage. I understood what she was saying, but it was a lot to think about. Getting that tattoo was something very personal. I didn't really want anyone to know, now I was being asked to go public. I went home and curled up on the sofa and cried until I couldn't cry anymore. It was all too overwhelming.

By 11:00 that night my head was pounding from crying and my spirit had taken a beating. I had to Man Up and face a realization that day. Being on the cover of a magazine and having an Emmy Award couldn't change the fact that I have been discriminated against, just like many other people living with HIV/AIDS.

This is still a reality in the 21st century. It was my reality just a few years ago. But somewhere between mourning the prima donna, and wallowing in self pity, super woman kicked in. I picked up the phone and called Jason, “Hey, let’s go to Jade Dragon.” “Tonight?” he asked? “Yes, tonight! I am not going to let them win. We made our we to the other tattoo parlor and Jason held my hand. Midway, the pain was so great I wanted to quit, but now I needed to prove a point.

The next morning me and my sore backside made it to AIDS Legal Council and began the process of filling a complain. They had messed with the wrong person. I was mad as hell!   When I walked out of the law office that afternoon I was so proud of myself and I wanted to tell all my friends. As the day went on, my bubble started to burst. So it seemed that many of my friends thought I was in the wrong to file the complain. "Well Rae, blood is present when you get a tattoo," was all  that I heard, all day long.

I started to feel isolated....

To Be Continued :)

The Horror of HIV/AIDS: The Murder of Cicely

HIV/AIDS is one scary ass illness. In contemporary times, for sure it's one illness that has made people think irrationally, including me. But how could we not, with those early images of ghostly looking white men who lined the walls of hospitals around the country. This mysterious "Gay Disease" as doctors called it, scared reason out of everyone, from doctors to nurses to mothers to fathers to ministers, even the undertaker was scared to bury the dead.

I remember in 1984 during the Democratic primary, just two years into the pandemic Rev. Jesse Jackson would visit these AIDS hospices where mostly gay men were sent to die. He would even spend the night at one hospice as a way to show compassion for the throw-away of society. Ronald Reagan was President and he hadn't even mentioned AIDS out of his mouth and the death toll was raising beyond anything we understood.

People were in panic mode for sure. There were news reports that people had burned a house down of a person known to have AIDS. In a small town in Indiana, they kicked little Ryan White out of school. Doctors and nurses refused to touch people with this mysteries disease that the medical journals coined GRID (Gay Related Infectious Disease).

The early images and information on AIDS in the 80's spilled over into the 90's and it stuck to us like gorilla glue.

By the time Magic Johnson went public with his HIV status I had known mine for five years. In that five years I had held my infection close to my heart. The burden of living with my infection in secret I felt, was better than being a outcast in society. My career as a political organizer was growing. I was in graduate school working on my masters in Political Science, with my eyes on a PhD and I couldn't afford to let little minds stop me from my goals, so I choose carefully who I told. I even stayed in a unhealthy relationship for 4 years with a man 25 years my senior for fear of being alone. He had accepted my HIV status and I figured that I might as well leave well enough alone.

While Magic was being ostracized by his fellow NBA teammates, my upward mobile friends where cracking jokes about HIV and I sat in silence and suffered. Treatment was mediocre at best and AIDS was a death sentence for sure.

The first 10-15 years of this disease was ugly and so was society. But now we are 32 years into the AIDS pandemic and the medical advances have been nothing short of a miracle. Times have changed and so has HIV/AIDS, so why haven't we changed? I woke the other morning with a news report of a woman being murdered after she disclosed her HIV status to her partner.

I can image what went through Cicely Bolden's mind, I know because I've been there. You meet a guy and you like him. You really like him. You want to tell him that you have HIV but you are afraid of rejection. I mean no one wants to be alone. You have those butterflies in your tummy all the time, so it seems. You know you should tell him, but you just can't bring yourself to do it. I remember once in my early days, I was "this" close to having sex. We started out kissing and cuddling and I could feel his penis raise. OMG, I liked this guy, he was rich and successful and had been working on me for months. He was in town visiting and as we lay on that plush bed, in that plush five star hotel I was in absolute turmoil.

I played every scenario in my head. if I tell him now with his hard dick pressed against my body how would he react? I was old enough to know that you don't play dick and pussy with a man.

If you don't want to fuck, then you shouldn't do the things with him that leads to fucking. Yes, no should be no, but by the same token, a woman must take ownership of who she lets feel between her legs. LADIES, feeling between your legs and on your breast sends the single you want to fuck. That's the bottom fuckin line. Stop playing dick and pussy, its very dangerous.

But back to the topic at hand. I mean, I had wanted to tell him before it got that far, but the words just wouldn't come out of my mouth. He got harder and harder and I started to panic. I felt it was morally wrong to not disclose my status, but we had gone so far how do I stop?

 But had we really gone to far? We were both still clothed and I knew that I had to act fast. I just knew it. I also knew that this was not the time to tell. You don't have a serious conversation when the dick is hard and the pussy is wet. Boundaries should be established before he ever touch your breast. Touching should only occur when you've had an adult conversation, like do you have a sexually transmitted disease?  Have you ever had a sexually transmitted disease? How do you feel about condom use? This conversation must take place very early in every relationship. And if you are not mature enough to have it, then you are not mature enough to have sex.

So I was literally stuck between a rock and a hard place. He laid on top of me, grinding his hard dick against my body and I lay their in chaos. I knew I had to bite the bullet. I just knew it. I whispered,
"I can't. I can't do this."
"Huh?"
"I can't, I'm not ready." I mumbled.
"Ain't you on the pill?" He asked.
At that moment I knew there was a God. This was my way out. "No I whispered." There was a deep sigh and he rolled off my body.

That was the last time I saw him. Not because he didn't try, but because I preferred to walk away rather than being outright rejected. He would later learn my HIV status like many others, when I told my story on the cover of Essence magazine.

I understand what must have gone through Cicely's head. It had probably gone to the point of no return and she just didn't know how to say it. Then after the sex, she started to feel remorse. She needed to be honorable. And honestly it's never to late to do right a wrong. So she told. She told. She told. She told; And telling caused her life.

He said, "She killed me, so I killed her." My most fundamental question is how did we get to this place 32 years into the AIDS pandemic that a lack of education and fear of rejection would cause a life? Read More Here

Yes it was morally wrong for Cicely to not disclose up front, but it should not have caused her life.

The Facts Stand For Themselves

1. It's 20 to 1 that a woman will infect a man. The fact of the matter about 15% of the men in the United States are infected because they had a sex with a woman. Men infect woman, woman rarely infect men. Most men in this country are infected from having sex with another man or through the sharing of needles with someone who has HIV.

2. The latest research is clear. If a person is infected with HIV and their viral load is non- detectable it's about a 2-3% chance that they would infect their partner, even if they use NO condom.

3. If a person knows that they have been exposed to HIV and seek a prophylaxis treatment with 72 hours it will reverse the HIV.  They can take a HIV medication cocktail for 30 days and it will destroy the HIV in their body.

So you see, the chances that he is actually infected are slim to none. And they could have acted fast and put him in a preventable treatment just on GP. That's why HIV education is important for both the infected and the uninfected.

And it must be said, AIDS is no longer the death sentence it use to be. With EARLY diagnoses ( thats why testing is important) proper treatment, care and COMPLIANCE a newly infected person can live with HIV for years. These are all facts!

So how did we get to this point? Like For real... For real? Like don't everyone know what I know about HIV? It's not just about lack of education but about the stigma and shame that still overshadows all common sense around HIV.

We have got to move beyond the stigma and ugliness around HIV/AIDS. We must do it as a nation and as a people. African-Americans we must get a grip. I say this because African-Americans are 52% of all HIV cases in the United States and we are 12-14% of the population.

1. Families must stop talking about those in their families infected with HIV and start talking to them.
2. We have to create an environment where people are willing to disclose their HIV Status from our families, home to our churches.
3. In fact, we must create an environment where it's even ok to know your HIV status.
4.  Pastors must stop preaching condemnation from the pulpit and begin to preach the love of Jesus. Pastor Jakes said last Sunday that we show we are a Christian, when we love our neighbor as ourselves.
5. Testing must take places in our churches, organizations and in our homes. Make it a family affair, make it a sorority and fraternity affair. Everyone of the age of consensual sex should be tested. The more we make it ok to know our status, the more people will feel free to tell their status. 
6. Pastor's must talk about HIV/AIDS from the pulpit about HIV as a health issue and also make sure that their members have all the practical information about sex, not just the biblical information. For some, it's takes a minute or two for salvation to catch up with their living. 
7. Education for people will HIV must become a part of the equation. 
8. Traditional AIDS organizations must step up to the plate like they did in the early days of the pandemic when white men were being buried everyday
9. We must all become a part of the solution and stop being a part of the problem. We must examine our own lives and communities and ask the most basic question of what must I do to help bring about change, to end, stigma and shame. We must all help to create an environment where HIV is viewed as a health issue and not modern day leprosy.

I have so much more that I could say. This is Real Talk people.... We are killing ourselves and each other. When are we going to take the horror out of HIV? I am sad beyond belief that Cicely's life was taken for no good reason. This is madness at it's best.  Rest In Peace Cicely...

Magic, HIV and Me: A Retrospective! Part Two

Ron stood frozen as I rambled on. He was a gentle man with a big heart and a solid commitment to what was right and fair in the world. That was one of the reasons I had chosen to tell him my HIV status. I knew in my heart that there would be no judgment. Part One Click Here

But I started to get nervous as he stood there with this poker face that I could not read, so I decided to quit while I was ahead. I finally said, "Can you help me?" and took a deep breath and waited.  Ron said to me, "I'm so sorry Rae, but we will take care of you." I exhaled. I didn't know what that meant but the compassion in his eyes said that it would be ok. He said, "I want you to call Mardge Cohen, she's Gordy Schiff's wife. You know Gordy, just get there number off the list." I did know Gordy, he was a member of the board Physician For A National Health Program and another good man with a commitment to what was right and fought for it.

I needed to get my courage up again so I took a moment before I made that call. I remember it like yesterday. The fear of having to say that I had HIV yet again was overwhelming. I couldn't image how Magic had stood on national television and disclosed his HIV status. "He must be crazy," I thought,  I started to sweat under my clothes as the phone rang. "Hello, Hello," I could hear the voice on the other end, "Hello may I speak to Mardge Cohen," I said. "This is she." "Hi My name is Rae Lewis and I'm the Field Director of PNHP and Ron Sable said I should call." She said, "Un huh," I continued, "I have HIV and the doctors at NIH said I should get on new medications."

She wasted no time and interrupted me before I went any further. "Come see me on Wednesday at the Women and Children HIV Clinic at County, Ok?, "ok," I said. "I'll see you Wednesday," and before I knew it she was gone.

So here Magic was telling the world he had HIV and I was hoarding my infection like it was my last dime.  Just the thought of having to tell one more person was too much for me. And going to an AIDS clinic scared the hell out of me. I was afraid that someone may recognize me and then my secret would really be out. But what I failed to realize was that every single woman in the clinic was also infected.  But that didn't matter to me in those early days.

I went to the clinic on my lunch hour  that day and after I registered I stood in the corner so no one would talk to me. My infection was none of your business. I couldn't image why Magic told the world. "That's his shit," I said to myself, "I will not become the talk of anyone's town or beauty shop."

That day Mardge told me that I had AIDS. She is always so matter of fact. "You have AIDS, and you need to start treatment." And then she said to me,  "You are depressed and I'm gonna get you on an antidepressant." I looked at this woman like she had lost her mind.  The balls that she had for such a little woman. She was so freaking bossy and matter of fact. Who the hell does she think she is all I thought, as she talked to me.

I left that clinic and sat in the pharmacy for 5 hours to get my medication filled. I was in such shock the wait  didn't even matter.  Plus, this was free medication, beggars can't complain about a darn thing. That day I went from 3 pills a day to 23 pills a day. Not only was I given new HIV medication, but medication to prevent me from getting opportunist infections.

After I got my medication, I went home and went to bed and I stayed there until Monday morning. Yes, I didn't go to work the rest of that week. I didn't answer my telephone and I didn't leave the house.

I have AIDS... was all I could think about. I thought I was never going to get AIDS. I wondered what was Magic's T-Cell count? Did he have AIDS to or was he just HIV infected?  That day I was forced  to live in a new reality.

Having HIV is one thing, but having AIDS was another ball game. Once you have HIV you always have HIV because it never leaves the body, but AIDS was the death sentence back then. The life expectancy was 3 years for a person living with AIDS. So a part of me wanted to know if Magic was dying, just like me. I wondered if Magic had a magic pill because he was rich that I couldn't get because I was just a serious working woman.

So for me, Magic's HIV status  started to have more questions than marvel. I wasn't impressed with everyone's new understanding that HIV was a non-discriminatory disease. Shit, I had been living  proof of that now for 8 years. I wanted to know what would keep me alive. I wanted to know if his infection was in anyway different from my infection. If his medications were different from mine and if I could possibly get my hands on what he had.

But all that I wanted to know  became a well-kept secret and honestly I resented him for that. How dare he become so public with his HIV status yet remaine so private. I felt betrayed. While he had brought attention to HIV and the need for prevention on one hand, on the other hand,  as a person living with HIV, he left so many unanswered questions.

In time, his need and right to privacy would also raise not only doubt and confusion for  me but also a lot people. I'm just being honest. As I rose to fame as  an AIDS Activist two years later, I would have to answer the hard questions that people had about Magic's HIV status in my speaking engagements. I jokingly say, he should pay me for cleaning up his mess.

It went something like this....

To Be Continued.. Part Three Next Week...
Part One Click Here

Post Script: Mardge Cohn is the founder of the Women and Children HIV Clinic at Cook County Hospital. She remained my doctor for 19 years until she and Gordy retired from County and moved out of state. To read a blog about our special relationship click here Part One Turning Point... Part Two Turning Point

Ron Sable was one of the founders of the AIDS Clinic and AIDS Ward at County Hospital and the first openly Gay person to run for Alderman in the City of Chicago. What I didn't know that day, was Ron was also living with AIDS. He died a couple years later. His work and commitment to social justice will never be forgotten.

Magic, HIV and Me: A Retrospective!

Yesterday was the 20th anniversary of  Magic Johnson's announcement that he was HIV infected. The world was buzzing, even in my home. At the time I was sharing a house with Jesse Jackson, Jr. and his brother Jonathan, and we were all friends with Magic's Godfather, who was a long time supporter of their father, Rev. Jesse Jackson.

But as the world was buzzing all around me, I was dying from shame, stigma and the secret of my own HIV status. By then I had known my HIV status for 6 years, but had been infected for 8 years.

I was taking AZT but it was failing miserably. Around the same time as Magic's announcement, I received a letter from the National institute of Health, (NIH) where I was in a HIV study, to inform me that my T-cell count had dropped to 124 and I should consider going on new medication.

What the HELL? New medication. What new medication? I had been out of health care for almost two years and couldn't get new insurance if my life depended on it. Every insurance company said I had a, "Pre-existing Condition," and that disqualified me for health insurance. Ironically, I was gainfully employed as the National Field Director for Physicians For A National Health Program. I was organizing doctors around the country on the idea of Universal Health Insurance, what we now call, "Single Payer."

Any who,  I was living in shame and to afraid to disclose, even to seek the help I needed. Jesse Jr. and Jonathan didn't even know that I was HIV positive. To date I had only told 5 people and I was keeping the list as short as possible. I even took the labels off my medication and flushed them down the toilet before I threw the used bottle away.  I did any and everything too keep my secret. I didn't know about any new treatments for HIV because I was to afraid to read literature for fear that someone would see me reading it and assume that I had HIV.

So as Magic had disclosed to the world, I was living in the shame of my disease and it was killing me quicker than the disease.  My secret had taken on a life of it's on.

 Magic was all the talk, everywhere, but especially in the African-American community.  The television tried to keep it politically correct; And people who were interviewed definitely showed compassion for Magic, but the whispers that took place in homes, barber shops  and beauty shops was no joke.

"How did he really get it," was the main question?  Often times, they didn't even say what "it" was, as if they did, "it" would get them too. Yep, and the biggest question was, "Is Magic Gay?"  People said it, and actually explained the question, "I mean it had taken him 7 years to marry Cookie,"

Prior to then, people just said he was a "dog" and Cookie was a fool for hanging on to him, wasting her pretty. They were sure he would never marry her. I'm just being honest. This is what was really said during this period.  Now people were saying  that  Cookie was just a front. It went something like this, "Don't no man just up and marry a woman after 7 years for no good reason. She must be in on it. I wonder how much he paid her." For Real! This was the Real Talk!

So while we talked a good game in the watchful, public sphere, in the private sphere, Magic was getting his ass kicked.

While we give Magic credit for giving a new face and a new "type of man," heterosexual, non-IV drug user, who just had too many women and too much pussy in his life time, and that got him HIV, the truth of the matter, the real talk was mean and provided no hope for me as a woman living in secret.

It was the real talk that scared the hell out of me.  If they would say the things they said about Magic, a well loved athlete, what would they say about me?  Yep, the real talk hit the very core of my being and the stigma of HIV begin to fester in my heart like an open sore that wouldn't heal.

Then one day, about a month or so after Magic announced his HIV status,  I got an unexpected telephone call from the doctor at NIH in charge of the study. She called to inform me that my T-cell  count had dropped some more and that I really needed to get into treatment and get some new IV medication on board right away.

I sat on the side of my bed and listened, my heart beating like an African drum calling for freedom. I was staring death in the face and I had to do something or die. She didn't mix her words, "If you don't get into treatment, it will have grave consequences Rae."

I sat there for hours, thinking it through. I needed help, but I wasn't sure who to tell or who I could trust. I wanted to go to Mrs. Jackson, who had become like a mother to me,  I knew she had access to resources, but I couldn't risk the disappointment that I thought she would have in me. That was to great of a risk. I would discover later that I was just being foolish, she loved me no matter what; But at the time, it was not a risk I was willing to take.

By the time I went to bed that night I had decided to speak to the doctor's I worked for. They were both  die hard liberal and both were practicing physicians. I decided to tell the youngest one, Dr. Ron Sable. While he and Quentin Young  were both super liberal I figured, Ron was young and openly gay, he should be real cool about it. And Honestly, Dr. Young was well into his 70's and I didn't want him to be disappointed in me. He was like a grandfather, nor did I want him to have a heart attack on me. For Real!

That next morning I waited for Ron to drop by the office. I didn't give him much chance to settle in. I pulled him to the side, "Ron I need to speak with you."

I remember it like yesterday. I stood there in front of him, my palms sweating, my heart beating fast. "What you need Rae?" He asked in his G-Q calm manner.  I got right to it, "I have HIV."

 My heart dropped, just having to say it. "I HAVE HIV." I hadn't told soul in over 2 years, now I had to say it, "I HAVE HIV!"

 Then typical of me, I started to ramble. "I'm in a study at NIH and they said I need new medication and we've been trying to buy me insurance and no one will insure me, I need help where can I go. I'm scared."

Ron stood there frozen....

To Be Continued.....