Valentine Day: Self Love Radiates Out

It Valentine's Day and most people are thinking about what they are going to do, what they are going to get and give, how good the sex will be, or why am I alone on Valentine's Day?

We are all thinking red and I don't mean for AIDS Awareness, but for the symbol of our heart, including me.

It's been years since I've had an actual "date" on Valentine's Day. It's also been a while  since I've laid in a man's arms.

Not because I can't, but because I decided well over 15 years ago that a man who does not appreciate my worth is not worth my vagina.

I'm actually  O. K. with being alone on Valentine's Day. More so than being alone on nights after a long day when I've poured out my at a speaking engagement. After I have given my everything it would be nice to fall into someone's arms and let them take care of me- help to replenish what I've given out.

Now don't get me wrong, it would also be nice to have  a date- a great dinner- great conversation- laughter and a flirt or two across the table. Everyone wants to feel special, appreciated. But then again, we should feel those things for ourselves.  We should have a  baseline of self-love and respect. I know you here Oprah talk about it often but it's true, The Universe gives you back the energy that you give out.

For sure every person wants to feel special, but it shouldn't just be on one day- it should be 365 days a year.  If dinner- a date helps to fuel you, why not arrange date nights more often? Why wait? And why wait on another person. Treat your own self. That's what I do. I treat myself to fine chocolates, I get fresh flowers every week and sometimes I take myself out to dinner. Why expect others to do for you, what you are not willing to do for yourself. Expectation and Deliverance thereof should start with you and flow out to the Universe

 I've got to be honest, its been years since I viewed Valentine's Day from the lenses of the commercial world. I remember the days when I would run out and buy a man a gift no matter how young the relationship, even if things were bad between us. I did it because, well I don't rightly know. LOL Sometimes I would spend my last dime on a gift, and y'all know I got expensive taste. Crazy shit. Thank God I'm not that girl anymore.

Let me tell you in my *auntie voice* No gift at any cost is going to make a man love you. No  amount of sex tonight is going to make a man love you. You can suck his dick until your mouth shrivels and he still may never love you. Shoot a man don't even have to like you, to let you suck his dick.  If you accept him between your legs without standards throughout the year, why should you expect him to do anything different about you on that one day out of the year.

 We should set the standard for how a man treats us and it will easily flow to Valentines Day. Now don't get me wrong. If you just want to get your groove thang on--do it-use a condom- but don't have expectations for something that clearly is not. You can only have peace in your soul when you accept it for what it is. Acceptance is hard, I know, I know, I know. But when you accept it- you  operate in truth.  If you want more for your life then you must give yourself more.

You will never achieve the love you want it, if you continue to clutter your life, your spirit with dead weight.  It all begins with you. Self love starts from within and radiates outward.

God Always Has A Next!

What I know for sure is that God always has a next! I have believed this since I was a little girl being told I was never gonna be shit. Even back then after every unjust beating, I continued to have hope for something better than my right now.

In time I learned, if I just kept holding on, there was something new for me. Now, it didn't always amount to the the things I wanted most, for the abuse to stop, but there was always something to make life worth living. Like the black theatre company, Thunder and the choir, Project Advancement Gospel Ensemble in high school. Those things were a joy to my soul and gave me a place to be other than my home.

Now, for sure it wasn't just about waiting on next, but putting myself in the right places at the right time. Sometimes we wait on next like it's going to fall in our lap, when in fact you may need to get off your ass and get to next. For example, I had to at least go to the information meetings about the theatre company and choir when I was in high school. I had to act on my own behalf.

I could have allowed the pain of my home stop me from living, but I choose to keep moving, keep searching for a better life. I believed that I was better than what my mother said I was and I went searching for better. The choir and theatre company gave me not only a respite from the chaos at my home, but a place that could nurture my self-esteem.

What I'm saying is this, it's about believing, but also about doing something in your right now. Why complain about something better, when you ain't doing nothing better?

I've carried that belief into my adulthood, no matter how bad it may seem in my right now, I  kept on pushing to see what God had next for me. At my lowest moments with AIDS, I kept this belief close to my heart. When my T-Cell Count was as low as 8, I was crisscrossing this country speaking and giving voice to the voiceless.

If I had allowed the hardship of my disease control my life, rather than continue on my life journey, I would have never met my BFF. I didn't know then that the sixteen year old who introduced me at the Jack and Jill Event in Knoxville, TN would turn out to become my ride and die years later. But what I know for sure, if I had stop living my life purpose because my t-cell count was 8 and stayed home and withered away,   I would have never crossed Luke's path. God sent me someone from an unlikely situation to have my back on this journey years later. You never know what is happening in your right now that will be a part of your next. This is way you have to keep pushing through the right now. 

It's like that with every single thing. You never know what tomorrow will bring. I understand that when you are going through, it seems like it's never going to end. For those who have been following my story you know my ordeal with herpes and IV medication. It started out once a year, then every six months and then for almost two years I had to go on IV medication every three months. I was at the end of the road emotionally. 

My doctor had exhausted every medical idea possible to control the herpes to no avail over a seven years period. But I just kept on pushing through occluded veins and failed pic lines and extreme side-effects. I never stop living, there were times I took my IV medication on the road with me when I had to speak. I didn't know what my future looked like, but as long as I woke up in the morning, I believed I was still a part of God's earthly plan.

I continued to let God use me through speaking, blogging and social media.  When I think about all the emails and private messages I have received from people who have been touched by my ministry. I understand, that living in the right now, isn't always about me, but about how God will use you. Even if it's simply to bring a smile to a stranger on the street with an hello. We all have a purpose. 

 Today, it's been an year since I've had herpes and needed to go on  IV medication. The saying is true, man plans, then God laughs. My doctor had even concluded that there was nothing to be done and now we are both looking like WOW.  I'm saying look at God.  Baby, just keep on living and watch God blow your mind. 

 I know life gets hard sometimes for us all. Your issue may or may not be HIV. But I'm a living witness if you just keep on believing and keep doing, no matter how futile it may seem, God will always have a next. It may not be the next thing you want, but it's the next thing that will bless you. Let me pause and say, don't turn your nose up you what God has next for you. Our blessings come in many shapes and forms, but what I know for sure, is that God always has a next! 

Monday Reflection: Let Go Of The Rice...

Have you ever had a stupid ass conversation in your head that led you to do something stupid that then lead you to justify your stupid shit? I know I have, a thousand times over. 

Like being mad at a man because of whatever it was that he did you didn't like or maybe what he didn't do that you thought he should have done. You play it over and over in your head and by the time you approach him, you have written a play with 3 Acts and before you know it's something you never intended for it to be and now you gotta hold your guns whereby creating more of a mess and still have to justify that shit.

 I've come to learn in my old age, that sometimes when people don't measure up to what we want at that very moment, it may not even be about us, but about them. Sometimes we need to get out of our head and just be still. Let it all play out in real time, not imagined time. The ego can do a job on you, for real, for real. 

Like, have you ever purchased something that you really didn't have the money to do but you justified why you should buy it? I know I have twenty thousand times over. 

You tell yourself, it's on sale or, it might not be here when my next paycheck comes around, or I need to look fabulous for that event. And let me add, the last of these might be the only truth, you do want to look fabulous for the event and the people there of, and none of it has to do with you. But your ego has convinced you that this outfit will make you the belle of the ball. And then at the end the ball, as you remove all the glam, you realize that the same people who liked you before the ball still do and those that didn't well, still don't. 

But now the damage has been done in the short time of what 2-3 hours because of what you thought would happen, but didn't. 

At the end of the day you see how insignificant your new outfit was in the scheme of things. But you allowed your ego to talk you into spending what you really didn't have to spend and now you're stretching your dollars just to get to your next paycheck. Which means you're stressed more than ever and now you talking about, "Lord when will things change for me?" But the real question is when will you change for yourself? 

When things get hard we give God credit for stuff that ain't got nothing to do with Him. Free-will is a monster of a beast to manage. I know in my own life, I've allowed others to abuse me and I've abused myself in so many different ways willing my free-will like at a roulette table, taking a chance with each spin. And with each defeat, I lost a part of myself that could never be regained. Sometimes you even spin the wheel and your life is changed forever. 

Have you ever been mad at someone for something that they did to you in real time? But then long after it's been said or done you are still holding on to the mad? And then the mad takes on a life of its on. Oprah said that once she was so mad at a person, for well over 10 years, and then she saw that person walking down Michigan Ave laughing and going on with her life, while Oprah was holding onto the mad. We allow our ego to hold us hostage for something that cannot be undone. All you can really do is move on because holding on will imprison your spirit. 

Our ego spends a lot of time convincing us of this and that in some narrow context that we make ourselves believe. When in real time ,we need to step back and watch the ego jump the hurdles in our head and after it has finished, say "oh ok" and keep it moving. You are not your ego and you don't have to do everything it suggest to you. But you do have to become centered so that you can operate in the best of you. 

You can't allow your ego on one end and your low self worth on the other, which is still ego in reality, run your life. You have got to be willing to walk away from some stuff and let that be ok. You don't like how a man treats you, then stop participating. There are so many men in this world  that you don't have to stay stuck with the one that does not value your worth. 

You don't like being broke every pay period, then stop spending what you don't have. Figure out a way to make what you have work. Look, in these recent years I've changed up my outfits over and over with just a new blouse, or shoes or handbag rather than a new suit, blouse, shoes and handbag.

You don't like the hold others actions have on you, let it go. I recently had some craziness with my biological family, meaning the white side of my family, who I don't have a relationship with. I'm not going into details here, I'm saving it for the memoir. I was so fucking hurt by there actions. But I had to decide, I could let them make me bitter or I can keep going. The first thing I thought to myself, "I've worked so fucking hard to get through this depression, I will not let them send me back." I said it everyday out loud for two weeks and I said it to my closet friends, so that they could give me positive support. Sometimes friends can help to keep you in the chaos just by the direction of the conversation.  To not have a set-back, I knew that I had move to closure. So I signed their fucking document and kept it moving. Then I thought about it, they have done absolutely nothing for me in 52 years, why would I expect something now? People are who they are and you better believe that shit or you will allow them to hurt you over and again.

Sometimes the victory is just letting go of people, places and things. I've learned in these last years with my financial struggle that I didn't need all the things that I thought I needed. Life has a way of making you take notice. After I had sold almost all my designer handbags and most of my St. John Knits, I learned that I still had enough to look great every single day. I always make it work. 

I heard a story about how they capture monkeys that gave me an 'aha moment'. They put rice into a trap and when the monkey smells the rice he reaches in and grabs the rice. The rice becomes the prison of his own making. But the monkey has a choice, he can let go of the rice and be free or hold on and be imprisoned. Over the years I've held onto a lot of people and things and they have been the prison of my own making. I stayed way too long in unhealthy relationships. I've bought more things that I ever should have and the biggest prison of all has been my family. I became an overachiever for my Mama who raised me, rather than myself. I thought that she would shower me with love as I excelled, but she never did, not even as she was dying. She died how she lived, most people do. 

All these prisons that I made for myself year after year. Allowing my ego to convince me that my thoughts were my reality, when in fact my reality was my right now. If a man treated me bad, it didn't matter how well I sucked his dick, once I was done, he was the man he was before I began. It didn't matter how many clothes I had from the best designers, those who would love me, would love me in Walmart clothes and most of all, dressing myself  up on the outside did not change what I was on the inside. That took work, of which no amount of money could buy. 

Only when I let go of the rice, did I start to live my best life. These day's I practice watching my ego jump hurdles in my head and then say, "Oh Ok"  Sometimes, I win and sometimes I lose, but the more I practice, the better the person I am. 

Separation of Opportunity: Reflection On Delta Sigma Theta Sorority.

Today marks two years since my membership in Delta Sigma Theta Sorority, Inc. as an honorary member was rescinded. I'm not going to rehash any of those gory details you can read all about it here and here and here. The pain that I felt  three years ago seemed insurmountable. Even last year I was still hurting far more than I would have wanted to admit.

I look back over being kicked out of Delta Sigma Theta, Sorority and think it a blessing that I can now fully embrace. For sure, I'm wiser, stronger but most importantly it sent me on a journey of self understanding that had been waiting in the wings to happen.

Two years ago this was a crisis that consumed my life, every part of my being, my body, heart and soul. Yet reflecting today, it also presented me with an opportunity. Sue Monk Kidd in her book When the Heart Waits would have seen this crisis as a "separation of opportunity." The greek word crisis derives from the Greek word Krisis and Krino which means "a separating."

This separation made me reexaime myself. The woman I had become and the woman that I'm seeking. 

At the end of this road, through all the hurtful tweets, facebook discussions, comments on my Youtube and my blog, from women who once called me sister and praised my advocacy in HIV/AIDS, and stood in my honor at official meetings when I enter the room, I learned, in spite of what was said about me, I like me! And I like me so much I don't feel the need to defend who I am.

I mean, I really, really like me. That would translate into loving yourself. When you can say you like who you are, what you do, how you do it, what you wear or don't wear, how you live your life, without limitations on what others think of you, you have reached that place of self-love.

Delta helped me to be even more  unapologetic about who I am. My authentic self has grown by leaps and bounds. It recently gave me the strength to walk away from my leadership positions at church without defending my right to do and live as I please, in spite of what people may deem "proper" for an ordained minister. It has made me live out loud without regard to the issues of "respectability" that I highlight in my book, The Politics of Respectability. My life is uniquely mine and to live your life for the validation of others would be to deny who God created you to be., that uniqueness.

Delta, even created space for me to move through this profound spiritual journey that I just began with confidence that my "seeking" does not conflict with my Christian beliefs but enhances them. Sue Monk Kidd would say "In order to follow the inner journey, we need to leave behind those things that are deadening the loyalties that no longer have life for us," When I read that I said yesssss, my separation from Delta released me of loyalties that hindered my authentic self.

When I look back over the sacrifices and loyalties I kept to "belong" all the money I spent on red St. John Knits to "fit in" with the upper crust of leadership. All the times I spoke for Delta events for a potion of my speakers fee, so that I could be the "liked" honorary member and show that MY sorority was doing something on HIV/AIDS. Even coming to one convention {because I was told repeatedly that honorary members "never show up"} instead of staying with my mother who was in the last weeks of her life, I know that I am released from loyalties that hindered my authentic self.

This has been a long two year journey, but I can look back and say, that Delta did for me what I was unable to do for myself. In Delta I was still the "little Rae" seeking approval half/in and half/out of my authentic self. 

Those tweets that day was my authentic self, but the rejection that I felt over being my authentic self was "little Rae."

As I reflect, I had to examine what was it in me to cause me to be so wounded by Delta's rejection? But the larger question and most importantly, why would I want to below to any organization that could not validate and support my authentic self.  Why would I want to belong to  women who one day called me sister and the next called me demon?  I had to take a long look at myself, not at Delta Sigma Theta for those answers. 

This separation from Delta Sigma Theta Sorority, was a Separation of Opportunity for it sent me on a journey of reexamination. It helped to heal the "little Rae" always seeking approval, always half/in and  half/out of my authentic self. 

Today, What I know for sure, I'm the authentic version of me, living out loud in the spirit that God create me to be. 

Live By The Golden Rule! Treat People How You Want To Be Treated!

It's common for women to go along to get along because no one wants to be along. I will admit that over the years I have tolerated some shit so that I wouldn't rock the boat.

It's like this, men have a way of flipping the script and making you seem crazy cause you called them on their shit. For many many years I would allow stuff just to keep him and the peace. Men are quick to throw in your face your crazy, your drama and that becomes the issue. Then you find yourself defending you, and not addressing the real issue.

As I've grown to understand my worth and apply that worth to my life, I tend to be less tolerable of some things that leave an uneasy feeling within me. Now in full disclosure, I'm human and my first impulse is to KEEP THAT MAN! I said in my blog last week that I needed to work on me in some areas. While I don't always like how I react, and how that then manifest itself to the other person, it doesn't negate how that person made me feel.

As time passes, reality sits in and it hits you, fowl is fowl no matter how you slice or dice it. What makes fowl even fowler is when a man sees no wrong in his behavior, just the wrong in your reaction to his behavior.

I live by the golden rule, to treat people how you want to be treated! I speak and I expect to be spoken back to, bottom line. Like I knew it was time for my ex-husband to go when he would come into the house and fix him a plate of dinner that I had prepared without mumbling a word to me.

He traveled on the road with me back in the day and somedays he would stand in the back, with his arms folded in a Donna Karen suit, money from my gigs had purchased and hadn't said more than two words to me that day. It was ugly, but I knew that I had to let him go and face the fall out; and I did it and never looked back.

Respect is respect 24 hours a day. It's like this,  If I text someone 3 times in one day with no response, and then text them the next day and finally get a short and dry response 3 hours later, that's some rude shit.

First off, it was rude that it took 14 hours for them to respond from the first of 4 texts, especially with someone that you are building some kind of realtionship with.

It's a total disregard of the person. Actions at that moment says either you are not important to me, or what I am doing is more important and cannot share the same space with you.

Let me take it a step further, a person doesn't respond for two reasons in my opinion, bottom line. 1) They are ignoring you  or 2) They are so emotionally engaged somewhere else, that they are emotionally disengaged from the person that is reaching out to them.

Now let me be clear, this does not mean necessarily that the person is out their fucking. Nor does it mean malice intent. i.e. they didn't sat out to hurt you, they just did. If this has never happened in the past, bullshit ain't nothing, it's clear that the person has disconnected from you for whatever reasons they thought valid, and it is what it is.

The extra bothersome part for me is when people don't take ownership and make you the bad guy. Now in truth, whether a relationship makes it or not, treating people with the same respect that they have treated you and with the respect that you deserve to be treated should be the golden rule.

Truth be told, because you've behaved in a certain way in the past, does not make it right. It's bothersome when a man says to you, what I did to you was a small thing, I've done worst, so get over it. Like how does one proudly say that they disregarded someone's feeling that they cared about  as some band of honor?

It would be great if men could have more self examination rather than incrimination. Wouldn't it be great for a man to say, I made her feel less then, what can I do to change it, to make the relationship better, rather than seeing her feelings as a red flag to stop movement in the relationship?

I've always been such an honorable person that I don't know how to handle lack there of. I treat people how I want to be treated and if I don't, I take ownership and use that moment to be a better me for me and for them.

What I do know for sure, no matter how much I like a man, I have standards and I expect any man in my life to want the best for me, no matter how young or old the relationship may be, whether its day 2 or day 2002.

 I said in my blog When Women Don't Listen To Men, at the end of the day, you can't make someone love you or want you or want more with you. No matter how much you bond. No matter how good the chemistry is in bed or out of bed for that matter. No matter how much you like him. But whatever barriers a person have that prevents them from taking a risk with you, should not alter your worth.

The same is true, when a man is half-in/ half-out emotionally. The question for you then is how long will you wait, or what will you tolerate as he journey's through his emotions?

My golden rule of self-love, well ummm, when I'm through blogging and the lights are off, how and what I feel about me will determine what I do next.

I never really know what I will do when, I'm not that premeditated. I'm also learning patience in my old age LOL ... But what I do know for sure, I don't spend a lot of nights not liking me for accepting less then what I deserve.

Valentines Series: The End!

I've been blogging all week, and after sitting at my computer for hours trying to come up with something deep and profound to say on Valentine's Day, I actually drew a blank. Then it occurred to me that all I really want to say to you is, use a condom. No need to be extra in this last post in the series. I hope that I have given you lots to think about all week long and I hope that some of it will stay with you as you muddle through life and love.

The fact is, no matter how much I drill it home, you still have to make the decision to let self-love be your guide. This is what I know to be true, that we don't really know what another person has done or will do. All we can truly know is what we do and what we see.

We make a whole lot of assumptions about our partners don't we; what they would or would not do. Even what we think they are doing when they tell us what they are doing. The fact is, unless you have eyes everywhere, all you can hope for is the truth. That is, what they tell you is true.

Given this fact, this is what I know: If the penis ain't in your pocket you have no idea what it's doing when it ain't with you. What I know to be true, is that I have had sex with another woman's boyfriend, and even husband, while HIV infected. I have even lain in bed, while he talked to the wife and then resumed doing the do. Thank God that I found the strength to love myself.

What I know for sure is that you can only be accountable for your own body, and at the end of the day, your own life. We have taken the blame out of HIV as should be. No one deserves to get HIV; NO ONE!  But what I also know to be true, is each day we make choices about our bodies. The choice to have sex  and the choice to not have sex. The choice to have sex with a condom and the choice to have sex without a condom.

My prayer is that you will make the healthiest choice. Remember this, some things cannot be undone.  It is a fact, there is no sex worth your life. If you become infected we can treat you and you can live a long time, but understand this, HIV is a game charger and that's a fact.

At the end of the day, there is no sex worth your life! Use a Condom! The End!

PS... Happy Valetine's Day! My gift to you is 30% off RLT Collection until midnight tonight. The coupon code is Valentine SHOP HERE!

Being Deliberate in 2014!

Yesterday, as I was making lunch, I started to think about living verses being alive. I've got to admit, some days in my past, I was just alive and not really living. That tends to happen when I get sick, like when I'm having a round of IV medication, I stop functioning at full pace - not just physically, but mentally and emotionally. Then, when I get better physically, I have a hard time bouncing back emotionally and mentally because I had shut them down. It's almost like having to have physical therapy on my mind and spirit after each bout of illness.

Now these last few weeks I've been struggling physically and I had given myself over to the physical, and honestly, after the doctor dug that swab in my raw vulva on Wednesday, I was at a low place. Then something happened between Wednesday night and Thursday morning ... low and behold, I found myself at the gym Thursday morning - sore vagina and all ... Then again on Friday ... and again on Monday!  Still sore vagina and all.

As I settled back home from the gym on yesterday, it hit me right in the middle of cutting up fruit - while I am grateful to be alive, I said to myself, "Girl what you are doing at this moment is being deliberate, you are, living! Then it hit me, I like how this feels!

Yes, I was being deliberate about being deliberate. I could have stayed on the sofa, and I could have just as easily had potato chips rather than fruit. Then I was thinking that one deliberate thing creates a path to another deliberate thing.

See it's like this: CrossFit made me want to eat better. Like why would I have such a great workout then turn around and X factor it out? One good thing lead to another good thing. And while I'm still healing, those two good things - CrossFit and eating healthy - have added to my feeling better more each day and added to my productivity.

Yesterday I actually completed eight bracelet designs in the new 20 Collection, for RLT Collection commemorating the 20th anniversary of the Essence cover story.

I woke up this morning happy! Happy to be alive and happy in my skin! So it's official as I go into 2014, I am being deliberate about being deliberate about my life. I'm putting action to my life in all areas of my life to be my best me for me. 2014 makes 31 years that I have lived with HIV, 28 years that I have known my status and 22 years that I have had AIDS. I have no idea how much longer I will live, but I really want to live my best life for the rest of my life. Being deliberate is putting your best foot forward...

When you are deliberate you see progress no matter what areas of your life, whether it is working out, eating healthy, taking your medication, using a condom to keep yourself safe, studying hard in school, working on projects, pursing your dreams and putting action behind your goals. BTW, a goal without action is futile. Yep, I'm being deliberate about being deliberate!

Will you join me in 2014?

Monday Reflection: Living In Your Life!

Have you ever stopped to think about how you are living your life? No, I'm not talking about being alive, I'm talking about living. Being alive and living are two different things. Life is a gift, but living is a challenge.

 We are all faced with the challenge of living every single day. Some of us have a harder challenge than others. It seems to me that my challenges overall have been enough for two people. I struggle with the challenge of living everyday.

Like yesterday morning when I woke up. I thought about this one thing, about living; No, not being alive, but living. My health has been more than a challenge to say the least these last three months. I think I'm literally on, shit-no shit overload.

So yesterday morning I was feeling particularly bad, and my impulse was to give into what I was feeling. When I say feeling bad, this is what I was feeling, my back, lower abdominal and side is in some kind of constant pain, I'm nauseated all the time and I'm bloated beyond understanding because I'm not using the bathroom. What do I mean by bloated? Well, if I eat one egg it feels like I have eaten five. So yesterday morning that is what I was feeling. Now I knew I needed to eat so that I could take my morning medication and head to church, but I had/have no appetite and just the thought of eating makes me even more nauseated. 

So, when I woke up, I was actually aware that I was alive. I mean my body was screaming bloody murder, how could I not know? But then I was faced with how I was going to live in the life that was sitting in front of me. For the past three months I've been passing up church on Sunday morning for the comfort of my bed and the New York Times. When you are hurting physically it's easy to surrender into that pain, but yesterday there was something inside of me that wanted more for myself at that moment. So I made my way out of that bed and starting pulling myself together for church.

 Now for sure, I almost quit in the process. Every move was an effort from make-up to hair to my Spanx, but I kept right on moving. When I made it to church, already in full force, I was overwhelmed with emotion. Not just because I am alive having lived with HIV for 30 years and AIDS for 21, but because, I've not given my life over to this horrible disease. Now for sure, some days I do nothing. Right, I listen to my body and understand my limits.  But  don't you know that doing nothing is also living. Everything you do is living. From sitting still to doing jumping jacks. For me it's about living well from, what I put in my mouth to what I keep out of my month.

Yesterday, I was struggling to get to church, but something inside of me said that I needed to be there and I was right on point. I needed the hugs and laughs that I received after church. I needed Pastor Jakes sermon, "Don't Stress." All that I received yesterday was what I needed to jump start this new week in spite of the health challenges. The thing about living is choosing to live well. Self-Care and Self-Love of course being at the top of the list. I'm on a mission to get these twins Care and Love right for me. I'm grateful for the gift of life, but there is a special gratitude I have for the ability to live in my life. What I know for sure, life is a gift and living is what you do with that gift. Living is putting the gift of life into action. What are you doing with your gift of life?

Sex, Self-Respect and Loneliness...

I haven't been on a date in about 3 years. *Sigh* I haven't had sex in, ummm, like 4 years. *double sigh* Now don't go getting super-saved on me. Like who doesn't want the feel good of sex? Shoot, the experts say the more sex you have, the longer you live.  Sex is a great benefit to life. The End!

In all honesty, while I haven't had any opportunities for dates, I've had more than my share of opportunities for sex. Nope, I haven't found any men who want to take me out to have a wonderful dinner and make me laugh with great conversation lately. And the last one that took me out for a wonderful dinner and great conversation was on some bullshit. I've had to learn that a wonderful dinner and great conversation don't always add up. I'm so glad I didn't let him bed me. For sure everything I've learned about him since that date has been disappointing to say the least. So don't get a great date confused with love.

For sure in these last 4 years I've had plenty to ask to bed me and thus, spend a wonderful time getting lost in ecstasy. I opted out. Well, the last man that bedded me was married. Yes, I said married! Child please, that Negro was all of that and before he ever touched me I was so deep in it that it took God to pull my ass out of that it. Now that one is COMPLICATED? I touched on it in another blog and got unfollowed on Twitter ... self-righteous black women. Or maybe scared black women. If you are married, then I've become your enemy because you now know that I'm at least capable of bedding a married man and most importantly, that a married man is willing to have sex with me knowing that I have HIV/AIDS. You can read that blog HERE.  

Now, he was living with his wife when I met him, but he left her and we became a new family. Then he left me and then he came back and then he left again. RIGHT, it took God to get me out of that one. His mother and sister still love me, and I them, but at the end of the day I'm glad God did for me what I wasn't able to do for myself. GET ME OUT! 

Ok, so now that you have some back-ground, lets tackle the right now. I think my dating problem is simple, I don't really go to many places where the opportunity arises to meet men. I just spend an awful lot of time alone. Not by design, but by design. Let me explain. It's not that I want to isolate myself, it's just that I've never been a club/bar girl. Even in my twenties I didn't do much in the way of partying. I don't drink, basically because I don't like the taste of alcohol. So with no need to visit clubs or bars, that particular way of meeting men has been ruled out for me most of my life. The other thing is, I'm a really overly serious gal, I say that to say, I'm not so much of a frivolous conversation gal. So how men approach me on the top end determines the length of the conversation.

So I do spend a lot of time alone. Some of this is only child syndrome. I even learned to play Monopoly by myself. The other end of this is my health. I spend a lot of time managing my health hit after hit. When I'm down I'm down and when I'm trying to make it back up I'm spending my time playing catch up with work, blogs and bracelets. Often times it takes a lot to get it through the day so I don't want to rock the boat and make matters worst by hanging out because often times there is still work to be done. If I hang out too tough, then I'm wiped out the next day and then there goes work. But then where does a girl go to meet men when she isn't into the bar scene, Starbucks? Humm, now that's an idea so don't be surprised if I tweet I'm having tea in Starbucks, LOL. But ummm for real, for real.

Now, the sex thing is easy but hard at the same time. Yes, I want to have sex. I like sex. I happen to not be an uptight gal. I enjoy every minute from the beginning, the foreplay that begins with the mind right down to the orgasm. Remember, I did say that I'm a serious gal, so if the mind is not stimulated my body will not respond. I don't care how good looking a man is. I much prefer brilliant and well dress any day over fine. And shit, honestly, I want to be the one looking in the mirror all the time, for real, for real. 

My starting point is important, but most importantly, I just ain't giving any more men my innermost self in chances where my self-respect is lost. There is no sex worth my self-respect. FACT! This means what it means; I'm not giving myself up at any cost, so I keep myself to myself. Plus, I've been fucking since I was 13 years old and at 51, I'm not lacking in the sex department. And let me go there, I'm not scared to pleasure myself; and keep your super-saved opinions to yourself. The Bible does not mention masturbation. I prefer to love myself while loving myself then to give myself to a men who do not appreciate my worth. 

Now, for sure it has taken me years to get to this place and I'm not going to sacrifice this growth on a fuck. Now my ex, the one that was married understood my worth, the problem was he didn't understand his worth. The End! But if I had to do it over again, ummm I ain't gonna lie, I'll do it over again with him. But only at the beginning, because now that I understand who he is, I could never go back. For sure that was a painful lesson to learn, even in love. My bottom line, you have to love yourself more than you love him. That was almost lost in that relationship. Thank God for almost.

With all of this stuff I know about me, being a loner, being serious about life, maintaining my health, loving me more than idea of having a man, all of this, the sum total of who I am, for sure has to be factored into my dating life or lack thereof. For sure I'm lonely, but at sometimes more than others. But I will never, ever jeopardize the love that I have for myself. I want to die liking me, not loathing me.

I wonder if I expand my dating boundaries to men of other races how that would work. Now for those of you who don't know, I'm plain old mulatto, that means for me that my mama is white and my daddy is black. So technically I would only be dating the other half of my race, but that's another topic. I'm not sure if I subconsciously keep myself closed to the idea because, at 51, I'm still stuck somewhere with how white men typically approach black women, or should I say ME, back in the day, either as a whore, or my "white side" was in some way appearing. They would say stuff like, "So who's white in your family?" For sure that's a freaking turn off to a black woman reading Dr. Martin Luther King's, "Why We Can't Wait" and Stokely Carmichael's "Black Power" at 18. 

So here I am, 51 years of age and lonely. I'll keep you posted on that Starbucks idea *wink* 

You Mad Cause Why? But You Knew He Was Married!

I heard her say, "I'm so stressed out." Yep, I was ear hustling in the gym about a month ago. I didn't  mean to, but she was talking so loud. Then she said,
"He's married!"

You know I really started listening then. Shoot I wanted to hate her with him. Girl bonding in the gym and I didn't even know her. She was so dramatic as she walked on the elliptical and talked to her friend on the phone.

"YES!"

"MARRIED! "She said. 

"Im so repulsed." She took a deep breath.

"I hate he ever touched me!" 

You know she had me by then. I was locked in, rock, stock and barrel. I started feeling sad for her. 

"That Bastard," I mumbled to myself. Why do men continue to play that stupid ass game? You want some choochiee other than your wife's that's between you and God, but at least be honest. Give a woman a choice. Let her know what she's giving her body, mind and spirit over too. Let her determine your worth for her. She kept talking and I kept right on listening.

"Yes!"
"His wife posted a picture of him on his Facebook page getting ready to have a procedure."

"I can't believe that!"

"His WIFE!"

"I'm soooo repulsed!"

I had to laugh, Facebook will spill the beans every time. I was feeling really sorry for this woman. Then it got COMPLICATED! I heard her say,
"I asked him if he was married?"

 Hummmm so I wondered immediately did she have a reason to think he might be married or was she just doing the standard check that I ask right out, 1) Are you married 2) Have you ever had sex with a man 3) When was the last time you were tested for HIV? Yep, those are my three and they should be yours too! It's called self-love and self-care! 

She knocked me out of my thoughts when she said
"I kept asking him, if he was married." 

Another red flag.
"Why would she kept having to ask him if he was married?" I though to myself. Once should have been enough!

So this really was COMPLICATED! I shifted in my thoughts from a woman bonding over a sorry ass men to Life Coach Rae! I tuned back to her conversation.

"He kept pursuing me and keep pursing me," she said all dramatically.

"OMG!"
 "Im so repulsed!" She hollered, then continued with the details.

"I asked him over and over about that ring on his finger." She hollered!

Ohhhhhh shit, so he was wearing a ring. Was she stuck on stupid? And you know I wanted to ask her to. But I just shook my head and kept right on listening. She was getting to the real story now. Truth always comes to the light.  Don't you know there is always a real story! Yep! She started in on the details.

"Yes," She continued, "He kept liking all my stuff on Facebook."

There we go with flirting on Facebook again. My thoughts started to wonder. Been there, done that and I'll NEVER do that one again as long as I'm Rae Clara Lewis-Thornton. FACT! Her loud voice brought me back to the right now.

"He said that the marriage was bad and that he was moving out and getting a divorce," she mumbled.

"Do men still really say that stupid shit?" I asked myself. Most importantly, do women still believe that stupid shit?

Now Life Coach Rae would have said, the moment you saw the ring was the moment you should have kept it moving.  He's married and even if he was getting a divorce, why would you want to be involved with someone who is still trying to close a door in another place?

 I've been there and believe me you don't even have a 1/4 of him and if there are children, you have even less. I've done it all and I am woman enough to speak out of my mistakes and my experiences. I share my growth so you can grow. Back to the story.

"Then he showed up one day without a ring," she explained to her friend on the other end.

"I asked him what happened to the ring?" 

Was she really that stuck on stupid?  You know I wanted to ask her, "Why didn't you leave him the fuck alone when you had a chance; before you gave him permission to touch you?" But I just sighed and continued to listen.

"He told me that he had moved out and that it was official," she told her friend.

"Yes," I heard her answering a question,
"I did ask him where he lived. And I was confused because I know that building and I know people who live there. But he assured me," she explained and then started venting again.

"OMG!"

 "I'm so repulsed!"
"I hate that I ever let him touch me!"
 "I don't want anything to do with him."
 "He just kept on pursuing me, just kept on!"
 "I hate him!"
"I hate him!" 

There I was.  I had come full circle in my bonding with this young woman somewhere between the age of 25-30. I wanted to take her to Starbucks and have a cup of tea, but there was nothing I could say to her on that day. She was not ready to hear the truth. She was not ready to accept her culpability in her pain on that day. 

The fact of the matter is that he was married and she knew it. He actually did tell her. It does not matter the story he created to explain his marriage away. The bottom line was, when she met him he was still living with his wife. That was her cue to walk away. Instead, she continued to play with fire and flirt with him on Facebook.

Then she had the nerve to say in her rage.

"His wife is never on Facebook."
"I can't believe she posted on his page."
I gave her the side eye from hell. Huh? That's her husband Facebook page. She has ALL the rights and privileges. She was letting his friends/ their friends know that he was getting ready to go into surgery. Why you mad?

" She must have felt something."
 So I commented on her post, just so he would KNOW that I KNOW that he's still married."
I wanted to say, "Baby you so confused."
The fact of the matter, she did KNOW that he was still married.  So now what was her point of disrespecting his wife? You mad cause why? You knew he was married!! 

So my question is, What is it about her, within her that she continued to flirt with this man that she knew was taken? Even if she believed that he was getting a divorce, when they met, he was still living at home with his wife. Why continue to flirt with him on Facebook. Whether she wants to accept it or not, she was disrespectful to his marriage and his wife with the continued back and fourth on Facebook. She was at fought before she ever had sex with him. She gave him permission to pursue her married.

The question is Why? What was going on in her head really? What justification did she give herself. Then, why would she even want him? He had unfinished business that would continue to altar their relationship. Why would she want to go in with this baggage?

Why didn't she just walk away and say, once you clean up your situation and is in a better place to give me all of you, look me up. What was her need that she allowed herself to go in deeper and deeper?

Even when his story wasn't adding up and she knew it wasn't adding, she continued to flirt with him. What was going on with her that she continued to pursue and be pursued? She continued to meet him for drinks and that eventually gave him permission to bed her.

I know for me, a man with attachments other than me, is not worth me because you can only have a part of him. Why should I give all of me and get a part of you? Now don't be confused, for you new comers to my blog, I'm not trying to be self-righteous. It took me a long time to get here. Like I said, I have done it all. It took me a long time to like me, then to love me, but I'm here now and there is no turing back. At the end of the day, I got to live with me and all of my actions; the things I do to myself and the thinks I allow to be done to me.

She has to deal with the fallout and face the truth. The truth that she knew all along, but justified it somewhere along the way.

For sure she has lost a part of herself that she can  never regain. That's the worst, when you give yourself to someone who doesn't deserve to have that part of you.

Now don't be confused. Of course he has culpability in this, but he is who he is. He wanted to fuck and did everything that was necessary to do just that.

He was a jackass from day one! That goes without saying. But to often we women, me included walk away hurt without accepting any responsibility. It takes two to tango!

 At he end of the day, she should have kept it moving. Now she has to work through the emotional baggage that could have been avoided in the first beginning. For sure, until she accepts her own culpability, she will never really heal. She was mad and hurt that day. My heart went out to her, for her own foolishness.