Sorority Sisters and The Politics of Respectability!

Sorority Sisters brought back deep wounded issues for me. Issues of respectability that sat center stage after my honorary membership in Delta Sigma Theta, Sorority, Inc., was rescinded, May 1, 2012 after 12 years as a member, over some tweets that I made.

Watching the Social Media craze around VH1's new reality show. I remembered like yesterday my telephone conversation with the national president of Delta, (at the time) Cynthia McIntyre-Bulter when she informed me that I was no longer a member of Delta Sigma Theta.

When I asked, "What about Soror Rose McKinney, who was the focus of my tweets and how she spoke to me over the phone?" Cynthia didn't bother to answer my question, she kept the focus on my behavior and  replied, "There were some past national presidents that were livid. It was the vulgarity of it all."

She sent a message to me loud and clear, how I was treated in private by another sorority sister did not carry the weight of my public response to her treatment. Respectability was more important than hurt feelings. It reminded me of a deeply rooted philosophy in the African-American community "Black folks don't air our dirty laundry in public." The women on Sorority Sisters not only aired their dirty laundry, they broke all the written and unwritten rules of protocol. With decorum at the top of the list, that is, how you act in public reflects the entire sisterhood. 

At Delta National Convention

 I was proud to be a member of Delta Sigma Theta Sorority. I was inducted as a honorary member on my life time achievement to help improve the human condition. All my work as an AIDS Activist was being recognized by the sorority and this made me feel proud.

As a black woman, it was one of the highest honors you could receive from women of your own race. In all four of the black sororities, the list of honorary members reads like a who's who in black America. To be included amongst such distinction, because of the work that I had done and continue to do, and then excluded over my behavior, hurt as deeply as the love I felt being inducted into the sisterhood.  

I will recap quickly, but you can watch the video. Rose McKinney the executive director called and asked me to take pictures off my website that had been up for 3 years, of me and other honorary members wearing our ceremonial robs. Our robes are not private, but the national office reserves the right to publish. I agreed right away to take them down. Rose asked me when, I told her that I just gotten off a airplane to go speak and didn't have my computer with me. I promised to take them down as soon as I could. She however, continued to push me on  that point. And when I couldn't give her an exact time she then started hollering at me to take them down NOW. I hung up on her. I was not going to allow her to disrespect me when I  had been nothing but respectful to her. And she then called me back to back  to back and when I didn't answer, she then texted and told me again to take the pictures down, of which I had already agreed.  I was so hurt by this lack of respect and her badgering me like I was a child. I vented on Twitter.

So I just hung up the telephone on the National Executive Director of Delta Sigma Theta Sorority, Inc. Nobody disrespects me!!

She was talking to me like I was a bitch on the street and not an honorary member, WOW

She would have NEVER talked to Ruby Dee this way. I guess I'm not big enough as a honorary member.

When I was asked into Delta I thought it was the best thing ever. But in recent yrs. I hv gotten treated with so much disrespect from national.

My feelings are so hurt. Sisterhood shouldn't hurt!!! #DST she really was talkin to me like I was 5 yrs. old.

 I then tweeted, after I received tons of tweets and private messages from soror's that I shouldn't be talking about this matter publicly.

Don't NO One else DM me about what's appropriate or not appropriate for me Tweet about Delta. I do what the fuck I want to

I'm a grown ass woman and NO one is paying my bills but me. Where were you last wk when I was sick with $10.38 in the bank.

That night  Cynthia McIntyre-Bulter  called me after receiving emails and calls about my tweets from other members of Delta sigma Theta. She and I had a heart to heart and I believed the issue to be resolved. I agreed to remove the tweets, which I did. Also, by the time I spoke with Cynthia that night, the pictures had been removed from my website.

In our conversation that night, I felt like I was being admonished, so the last thing I asked Cynthia, "Soror, am I being put out of Delta over this?" She said, "No one is putting you out of Delta," with  a chuckle. "I'm going to ask that you don't tweet about it anyone or talk about it in public." I complied with her request.

 Fourteen months later, I received a called from Cynthia informing me that my membership had been rescind because of my tweets. Later that day I made a video explaining that my membership had been rescinded. Once it went viral, all hell broke loose. To date, there have been over 84,000 views and people still have an opinion, one way or the other. In the following two years, if I even mention my relationship with Delta on Social Media, I am "put in my place" by Delta's quickly. They still feel me being vocal bout my personal experience is talking about Delta business.

Just like  Sorority Sisters I was the talk of Twitter. Soror's took sides. On the private Facebook pages Delta's asked questions like, Did they know what type of woman she was before we inducted her into our sisterhood ? Duh, everyone knows that I curse like a sailor, even in my speaking engagements. But cursing was fine when I was promoting Delta's HIV/ADS service projects and speaking all over the country for them changing and impacting lives.

Delta's who I thought were friends, unfollowed me on Twitter and stopped talking to me altogether. The national leadership totally cut me off as if I were dead.  I felt isolated and thrown anyway.

Ironically, Shanna McCormick, one of the Delta's on the VH1 show Sorority Sisters, who I was friends with prior to her becoming a Delta attacked me on Twitter. Our history goes back to when she was the chair of Keep A Child Alive on her college campus, I was a featured speaker. After that, she and I remained friends. While she was pledging Delta, she looked to me  for encouragement, which I gladly gave.

But one night on Twitter our friendship halted that quickly. She told me that, "I embarrassed Delta by making the video." She went on a rant that hurt me deeply. Now, two years later she's on a  reality show that makes my tweets look like small potatoes in the area of respectability, compared to the drama on Sorority Sisters. *blank stare*

The night Sorority Sisters aired #BlackTwitter had a lot to say. Members of the Divine Nine (black sorority's and fraternities) had even more to say. The verdict, Sorority Sister's is both an embarrassment and misrepresentation of black sorority life.

 I saw the Divine Nine at it's best that night. Before the show had ended, they had tweeted the names of all the sponsors of Sorority Sisters and went to work. By the next day, Honda, Carmex, SelmaMovie, Coco Cola, Crayola, and JBL had withdrawn their sponsorship from the show. I commend them for their activism. It shows what African-Americans can do when we come together around an issue. 

Many high profile people in the Divine Nine have spoken against Sorority Sisters. Interestingly, K. Michelle a member of Delta Sigma Theta Sorority, also a cast member of Love and Hip Hop another reality show on VH1 expressed her outrage over Sorority Sisters. She argues, when you represent your organization, there is a standard of behavior. This is true, women are screened by this standard prior to acceptance, as well as, their service to the community. While K. Michelle wants to compartmentalize, Love and Hip Hop is no better than Sorority Sisters, but no one will dare say it because she has taken the respectability position when it comes to the sorority.

The fact of the matter, there is code that all Delta's should live by while wearing or not wearing their symbols. Looking back, I often wonder why they asked me to be a member knowing my reputation of candor and transparency. While I met the criteria as an honorary member in all aspects of my life, I do curse like a sailor publicly thereby breaking a code of decorum. And  then I ask, why did Delta allow me to speak at Delta events talking shit to college students and women alike breaking that same code? What benefit did Delta have with their association with me and when did I become collateral damage that needed to be dealt with?

Yes, Respectability Politics among African-Americans, extends beyond sorority life. It is a way of life informed by the belief that African-Americans already have to work twice as hard to get where we want to be, we don't need any more strikes against us. This means we are to never give White America a reason to think less of us. This has been the main critique against some of these reality shows that feature African-Americans; black people are acting like fools for the whole world to see.

We can see recently how Respectability Politics played itself out in the Ferguson case, that people are divided around justice for Michael Brown because it was alleged that he was involved in a robbery just minutes before he was gunned down. As if to say, demanding justice for an unarmed teenager is ok just as long as he meets the standard of respectability.

Just last week Delta Sigma Theta Sorority asked it's members to not wear paraphernalia while protesting. Ironically, protesting in the woman's suffrage march in Washington, D. C. was one of the first acts of Delta Sigma Theta Sorority in 1913. Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority also asked its member to not display sorority symbols in protest, but rescinded after Zeta Phi Beta Sorority encouraged their members to be proud Zeta's, while protesting for justice.

The Politics of Respectability dates back to Post Reconstruction. This paradigm influenced the standard of the nine black fraternities and sororities in this country. Especially the sororities. After slavery, black people spent a lot of time trying to prove to white America that they were not only equals to them, but they could also be good Americans. How blacks dressed to how they worshiped was scrutinized by other blacks. Historian Tera W. Hunter outlines that very point in her book , To Joy My Freedom, a study on black washer women in Atlanta in 1896 during the Atlanta Exposition.

While Respectability Politics has flourished among the black middle and upper class, it has not been accepted by all blacks, both then and now. Trying to be better white people was unappealing to some. Many in the late 19th and early 20th century held onto black culture through worship and how they dressed. Harvard Professor, Evelyn Higginbotham argues in her book on Black Baptist women, Righteous Discontent, that Respectability Politics created tension among middle class and poor blacks in the late 1800's. In recent times, there was some backlash when Bill Cosby wrote his respectability book, Come On People. Nikki Giovanni also an honorary member of Delta Sigma Theta articulates Respectability  Politics about Cosby best. You can watch HERE

I out line these issues in my book, The Politics of Respectability which addresses Respectability Politics in my own life  from my mother to Delta Sigma Theta Sorority.  By the first generation of college educated blacks in the late 1800's, uplift through education and morality was a prominent theme among African-Americans. Black middle class church women led the Respectability movement. Mary Church Terrell the  president of the National Association of Colored Women and a member of Delta Sigma Theta Sorority articulates respectability this way, "I must not neglect to mention  another duty which the association owes the race...The duty of setting a high moral standard and living up to it develops us in a particular way. " Respectability Politics seems to have a permanent pace in black America 134 years later.

So here we are in 2014 with Respectability Politics center stage once again. Black greeks ask, "How dare Mona Scott Young, (a black woman and creator of Sorority Sister's) and VH1 air such buffoonery?" How dare she discredit who we are and what we are about; scholarship and service. (BTW, she is also the creator of Love and Hip Hop and Basketball Wives.)

Non greeks are asking why didn't black greeks lead the protest against other reality shows they portray black people negatively? Did it only matter because black sororities were the target? Do you only care how black elites are portrayed or do we all matter? Will you now extend the boycott of sponsors and Mona Scott Young to the other shows on VH1 that degrade black people?

I'm sure that Sorority Sisters would have met our approval had there had been no vulgarity; if no one had called another a bitch? Or if the women had acted like grown women, instead of the college rivalry we do see among theses four sororities on college campuses. Yet at the same time, I think it's easy to boycott the bad, but do we really support the good? I remember a reality show on BET called Harlem Heights. It was a wonderful show following the lives of four black millennia's, one of them was a member of Delta Sigma Theta Sorority. The show was canceled after the first season. I wonder what would have happened if  all of her soror's would have tuned in. I know that I supported her. Or, at the other end, if the cast would have acted like the casts on other reality shows would it still be airing?

I think we must also ask questions such as, who are these women on the show? Aren't they a part of the Divine Nine? Aren't they sorority sisters? Delta Sigma Theta had five women on the show and the other sororities Alpha Kappa Alpha, Sigma Gamma Rho and Zeta Phi Beta had one each. Others are supposed to be added as the season goes. Don't we all matter in the same way?

Do we punish them for airing their dirty laundry in pubic while doing it in the name of their individual sororities, like I was punished for airing the sororities dirty laundry in public or do we try to understand who they are?

 In the era of reality shows, did these women see this as a good thing? That is, showing who they really are in public. I have found that transparency scares people, especially when it has a moral value assigned to it. The fact of the matter, we all know women like the ones on Sorority Sisters in each of the black sororities and some even in their own chapters.

If this is true, is shame actually driving the protest.  Is shame the elephant in the room that makes us uncomfortable with women being who they are, instead of who they out to be? Well, the cat is out of the bag, you can pretend all day long, but there are "common" ordinary women in black sororities? I argue in my book that we are all shaped by our social location. One that is established long before we enter into sisterhood. I know that I was. My mother cursed like a sailor, and her habit became my habit and 27 years of education didn't altar that behavior one bit. Who we are should be enough.

While I saw the chaos and disrespect of each other on Sorority Sisters, I also saw a single mother, struggling to get on her feet so that her daughter could come live with her; a women who achieved a personal goal of 70 pound weight lost, two entrepreneurs, a woman following a dream to be a dancer and another a professional photographer.  I wonder if anyone else saw that, or were they blinded by the vulgarity of it all? Truth be told, these women are us and I will bet that there are some black women who can relate to each of them.

 What really struck me was the tears of two women. I heard one say that things are so bad for her, that most day's she's trying to figure out where her next meal is coming from. I sure understand that. For real, for real.  Another woman is dealing with issues of self-esteem, having grown up in a home where the expectation for her was to be nothing and do nothing. I know what thats like; having low self worth and  over compensating to get approval. Our social location informs our behavior and our decisions.

At a Delta Convention with other honorary members

Now, I watched Sorority Sisters on YouTube after the fact. I don't have cable and when I did, I didn't watch reality shows. I half watched one season of Atlanta Housewives because a good friend was an associate producer . I watched an episode of Basketball Wives because a friend insisted, and was appalled when one woman hit another over the head with a bottle. And I half watched the first season of Housewives of Beverly Hills. I decided then that I cannot participate in the madness of people hurting each other, either emotionally or physically. This is not what it means to be human.

Honestly, I found Sorority Sister's like most reality shows, it was entertaining in the way reality shows are made of, lots of drama. The show received 1.3 million views. Vh1 says it was the number one non-sport show among women in that time slot. People watched the dog and pony show and tons of people are waiting on next week, I can bet my life on it.

The day I was inducted into Delta!

The cast of Sorority Sisters are in fact members of these sororities and they were taught the same thing as their other sisters.  Everyone's protocol book is a how to be a proper lady. Women in black sororities do see themselves as "different"  as "other" as "better" and  truth be told, while we show solidarity in public, in private  we are taught that even our sorority is better then the others. That we have qualities they do not.

These values are embedded in each member, including the women on Sorority Sisters. So what went all wrong?  Basically, people are who they are. There are women who would have never considered to do this show, and then there are those who did. The fact of the matter, while our sororities reach for conformity, we are not a monolithic people,  we come in all shapes and sizes. physically, emotionally and mentally, Sorority Sisters only verified that fact.

 I wonder then if the "commonness" of these women on the show is the real issue?  Or maybe, the problem is, being "common" and showing that you are "common" for the world to see are two very different things. 

At the end of the day, Mona Scott Young had an idea for a show. These are the women that were chosen and each of them belong to the Divine Nine, just like I once did. I continue to go back to this quote that I put in my book from Delta Sigma Theta's past national president Lillian P. Benbow-1971-1975. I think it speaks volumes.

"When I look at you, I see myself. If my eyes are unable to see you my sister, it is because my own vision is blurred. And if that be so, then it is I who need you either because I do not understand who you are, my sister, or because I need you to help me understand who I am."

The day I was kicked out of Delta!

I wonder what disciplinary action will be taken against these women for showing their ass in public, especially the women of Delta Sigma Theta. I mean, I did get kicked out because of my tweets, which is mild in comparison to this reality show. I mean it was the vulgarity of it all that cause an uproar over  Sorority Sisters.

Reflecting on Essence at 20 Years!

This time 20 years ago, I was the talk of Black America. My cover story in the December issue of Essence magazine had hit the new stands. Essence had dared to put a woman on the cover of their magazine that was not a celebrity or a super model, but a typical young black women, living with AIDS.

I was every young black woman who thought that she was doing everything right in her dating life. Despite of the fact that I had grown up in a physically, emotionally and sexually abusive household, I had managed to escape, drugs and alcohol. I had gone to college. I had a professional career.

I had done everything I thought to do as a young woman living in the 80's. I never had a one night. I never had sex on the first date, but I was in search of the right man to live my fairy tail life, for the rest of my life. You know, a career, a husband, a house and 2.5 kids, that's two kids and a dog. With dating came sex. There were very few virgins in the 80's. This was the era of Marvin Gaye's "Sexual Healing and Diana Ross, "Love Hangover." Sexually Transmitted diseases were not on the radar. The first cases of AIDS were primarily white, gay and male. Even as late as 1987 Cosmopolitan magazine told women if they only had "heterosexual sex," they could not get HIV.  For the most part, the rule for young women of my generation was to not get pregnant out of wedlock and embarrass your mother. We saw "protection" as birth control pills.

Until 1991 when Magic Johnson announced that he was infected with HIV most of us in Black America only saw HIV/AIDS through the eyes of our gay relative on one end and our drug addict cousin on the other.  Or the television version, white, gay, male that looked like death was knocking at their door. Even then, we thought Magic was an exception to the rule. Many dismissed him as a "special case." Rich, good looking, and famous, we concluded that he probably had enough sex for a hundred men, thats how he became infected. Since most of us don't have that kind of sex, HIV was out of our reach, so we thought.

Then came me and the Essence cover story.  I had only been speaking for about six months when Susan Taylor asked me to be on the cover and tell my story. At the time, I had been infected with HIV since 1983, but I didn't learn about my status until I donated blood December 1986.

So when I appeared on the cover of Essence, I had actually known my HIV status for 7 years.  But for the most part I had basically kept my status a secret. Other than the men I dated, those first seven years I only told 5 people. When I made a transition to AIDS in 1992, I started to disclose to my friends. Then on a fluke, about a year later or should I say in God's purpose and plan, I started speaking locally in Chicago high schools. Then I met Susan. It all happened so quickly.  I had no idea the impact my story would have on the lives of others or on me; or that it would place me in the national arena and change my life forever.

In retrospect, it was our density, mine and Essence magazine. Even among Essence staff there was a debate over my cover story. It was pure audacity at the time. I thank God for His perfect plan and for giving both me and Susan Taylor the, editor and chief of Essence  the courage to follow that little voice inside of us, that said "this feels right. "For years women have told me the impact my story had on their life. Women still bring that magazine to speaking engagements for autographs.

There were other controversies around the cover story. Many AIDS Activist were angry with me because of the title., "Im Young, I'm Young free, I'm Dying of AIDS." Declaring that I was dying on the cover of a national magazine they said, made HIV/AIDS dark and hopeless. But honestly, AIDS was that dark back then and to give some pep talk contrary to the current situation would have been a lie. I was proud and not deterred by criticism.

Twenty years later, my Essence cover story has become one of the most iconic articles of the HIV/AIDS pandemic and I humbled.

I am equally thankful that I lived to see the 20th anniversary of this cover story. I thank God for my doctor who never gave up on me when  medications barley kept you alive. She was always looking for next; And no matter how complicated the next treatment was or how sick it made me I did it.

 I am also grateful for the continued relationship with Essence magazine. You can check out the 20th anniversary feature story on me in the December 2014 issue. You can also watch my video interview with Essence HERE

If you missed the December issue featuring me at the newsstands, you can read it HERE

Foot Note: In Celebration of the 20th anniversary... RLT Collection is 20% off! Coupon Code RLT20 And take a peak at the 20 Collection  that I designed in honor. Fab Bracelet designs all in red. SHOP HERE
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           

World AIDS Day with Essence Magazine!

World AIDS Day!! On Monday December 1, 2014 Essence Magazine is hosting a Google Hangout with me at 3pm EST. The Host will be Essence Relationship Editor Charreah Jackson and writer on the December 2014 anniversary article on me. Please join the conversation. Nothing will be to personal as we reflect on the 20th anniversary of the iconic Essence cover story on my life and all the important issues surrounding HIV/AIDS.

This is the link it you want to cut and paste http://plus.google.com/+essencemag Or just Click HERE!
Join the conversation!

RLT Collection! The 20 Collection! AIDS Awareness at its Best!

20 Collection!

I finally finished the 20 Collection for RLT Collection commemorating the 20th anniversary of the iconic Essence cover story. I wanted to do something special and from my heart that I could share with everyone. I started designing this collection well over 9 months ago. Then life happened and it seemed to have stood still and so did all my creativity. 20 Collection!

20 Collection!

Sheryl Lee Ralph wearing the 20 Collection!

20 Collection!

In time, I pressed through the depression and completed the collection. My original goal was to complete 20 different bracelet designs using the color red for AIDS Awareness, because on the cover of Essence, I literally sat on a sea on red ribbons. I'm happy to say that surpassed that goal with 33 designs. I have something for everyone, fun, classic, glamours and even unisex.  I always wanted to make AIDS Awareness as popular to wear in the same way we do pink for Breast Cancer Awareness. This is actually why I started making bracelets. Well, with the 20 Collection I have shown that red can be a great color to wear and have meaning at the same time, but not always in the traditional red ribbon way.

These are all limited editions and once they sell out there will be no more. I hope that you will support me in this endeavor by sharing in the victory of my life. Plus the designs are wonderful!  Also Essence Magazine are featuring me in this December issue, looking back over my life twenty years. Pick up your copy! SHOP HERE FOR 20 Collection

One Day At A Time!

For the last few months I've been sitting still. Not because I didn't want to move but I've just been stuck. Depression has that way on you. It seems to just grab you and not let go. It paralyzes you in the worst kind of way. 

Over the years I've had mild bouts of depression but nothing on this magnitude since I transitioned to AIDS twenty- two years ago. Back then I thought that I was never going to get AIDS and when I did, it caused the worst mental health crisis of my life.  I cried all day and I was barely making it through my daily routine. I started medication but I think the turning point was when I started speaking at high schools here in Chicago. God gave my life new purpose and meaning and that turned things around.  

But this time there has been no turning point just slow progress. 

Over the last couple of years I've had so much trauma in my life. Any one thing could have triggered depression but combined they were the monster that paralyzed me. People take trauma lightly, but it has an impact on ones life. Over these years my health has required so much to manage. 

On and off IV medication to treat the drug resistant herpes because my immune system can't fight it off with regular pills. My veins becoming occluded as a result, not one but two ports placed that didn't work. Diarrhea I couldn't control, then constipation with no relief. And I still have 15 pills to take a day.  My finances hitting so rock bottom with no speaking engagements in sight. It's more than a notion to have to choose between groceries or  your light bill. Then being kicked out of Delta Sigma Theta Sorority over my tweets and the unkindness that followed. Women who called me sister turned on me because I dared to speak up. And quite as it's kept, some still dig at me via social media. Then my precious poodle Sophie died in July. One week she was barking for bacon and then the next week I was told she had cancer.  She became so sick in a matter of a week I had to put her down. 

Then let's not forget, HIV itself effects the neurons in the brain that effects your Serotonin.  Those living with HIV are prone to depression. So over the years I've been on and off antidepressants to keep it in tack. But I was caught off guard when Sophie died. I had been off Zoloft for a few months and before I realized it I was so far gone into a deep depression. Depression is a strange illness. It not only takes away your joy but simple things like daily living. It paralyzes you in a way that even taking a shower is to overwhelming. 

The fighter in me knew that I was in trouble back in August. My therapist and I shifted gears. For a while I was having sessions twice a week. Then she referred me to a incriable psychiatrist. The psychiatrist wasn't taking any new patients, but when I called she was the one to actually answer the phone, and bam I'm in!  So she's been working to get me properly medicated these last couple of months. And they both have been working to help me fight depression as best as I can. The way God works is awesome. He seems to get me what I need, you just have to be willing to go for it.

At first I was guilty that super woman hadn't kicked in. I kept telling myself, "Pull it together girl." But honestly, I didn't have the energy to push or pull. Depression takes away everything but your breath.

Then I had to accept that this is an illness like any other and you have to do what you can each day, one day at time.  Now, for sure you have to do something or it will consume you. But I had to accept that my something is baby steps. But baby steps are better than no steps.  This has been hard for a super woman like me. But I accept my victories whatever they are and however they come.  Like I've showered everyday for the last three weeks and actually read my morning devotional with tea. I was going two-three days without a shower. For real y'all. The last two weeks I've opened my computer that was a victory a small step that got me here today writing a blog for the first time in two months. Understand something, depression is so overwhelming that even opening the computer can be to much. 

So I take my small victories in this war on the way to winning this battle. But I'm not letting shame or pressure to be what people need me to be to guide what I do or don't do. If I feel like posting on Social Media I do. If I feel like talking or responding to a text or call I do. But if I don't oh well, prayerfully there will be another day.  

For sure I can see progress. I have come a long way since my Sophie died. I know that God still has work for me. I have not given up, even if it seems like I have. I'm just fighting this battle, One Day At A Time. 

Depression, God and Staying Alive...

I've thought about suicide everyday since Robin Williams took his own life. The pain he must have felt at that moment must have been all consuming. I've been battling depression in the worst kind of way. I'm not sure how I got here but after Sophie passed I seemed to have gone over the edge. I talk about my grief and the onset of my depression in Drowning I and II. I saw myself slipping more and more into this darkness and tried to pull my way out with a plan that just went straight to hell in a hand basket one minute at a time. 

After Robin Williams death my mind started racing and I started to panic. I even asked my therapist about suicide and she said that most people don't give a lot of thought to it before they take their life. It's an impulsive act. The person becomes all consumed at the moment in time and it seems the only way out. In truth it scared me. Right now my life seems to be on some kind of autopilot run by someone other than me. No matter how hard I try I can't seem to do any of the things that I set out to do. It's like this, I say I'm going to go one way and I actually go another. Shit, most days I don't go at all, I just am. 

I came to the conclusion that I'm tired.... I'm tired of thinking.... I'm tired of taking medication... I'm tired of trying to make life happen... I'm tired of being this super famous black woman with AIDS... I'm tired of doing it on my own.. I'm tired of trying to save those that I'm suppose to be saving...  I'm tired of trying to make life work... I'm  FUCKING tired of AIDS... I'm tired of deciding if I should buy groceries or pay my cell phone bill with the little money I do manage to get. I'm tired, tired, tired. I'm even tired of being tired, so I just am.

Most days I don't have the energy to wash my tail. No joke, I can go 2-3 days without bathing. I say to myself, "Rae you stink" but most days I feel like I have a ball and chain around my neck and making it to the shower requires too much of me. So I do nothing. I marvel at the few times I've recently had commitments that were unavoidable and I was forced to make myself look like a woman with the world at my feet. When it's all said and done, I come home and with the stroke of a cloth I wipe the facade off my face, inch by inch by inch, and then I just am.

Some days I make it to the kitchen to cook at least the meat but cannot muster up the energy to make a vegetable. It's easier to eat cookies for breakfast and cheetoes for lunch. It requires only that I open the bag. Eating chocolate is even easier than washing fruit. I can't remember to take my medication and that's with my alarm set. I hit the button and I know what I'm suppose to do but doing it requires something of me. Quite frankly I'm tired of expectations, even those that will save my life.

I have never felt this level of hopelessness ever in my life. Even when mama was beating the living shit out of me I knew that she would eventually stop and I could go back to being a "normal" little girl just like my friends. Even when I was raped at 17 coming home from church, I knew deep down that when he finished his "business" he would roll off my body like water and I could go home and wash him out of my spirit. Even when my T-Cell count was 8 and I was on my third bout of PCP  (Pneumocystis carinii pneumonia) I had faith that God still had a plan. In all of my life there was faith in what I could not see. 

Right now, I'm even tired of faith. I'm tired of hoping and praying for better tomorrows in my right now pain. I want God to intervene in my right now, but right now he seems to be silent and His silence has exhausted me. I'm tired.... 

Be clear though, based on my history with God and my deep understanding of how God operates, I know that God has a plan for the rest of my life. Frankly, it is only that knowing of God that keeps me alive when I'm tired of living. I'm a tad curious on how this thing will play itself out. I'm probably just plain nosey, but for sure, curiosity and hope are two very different things 

Yet at the same time, any hope in God's plan for my tomorrow are overshadowed by my desolate right now. It feels like God has taken a freaking vacation on my life and just maybe some of my depression is connected to my faith; And honestly, church folk don't help God out one bit. The fact that I haven't been to church since the first day of Lent and the only thing any member of my church can tell you about me is what they read on Facebook is just... I'll leave that one alone for now.  I'm unpacking all of this in therapy. 

For sure, I understand that all consuming feeling and it has exhausted me into a place of just being.  Maybe the thing that helps to keep me alive besides my curiosity with God plan for my life, is that I'm just to tired to do anything other than just be. 

Related Post
Drowning Part One
Drowning Part Two

A Sacred Journey: A Wonderful Story of Caregiving

I attended a screening of the documentary A Sacred Journey  sponsored by Clorox CareConcepts. It was a heart wrenching and heart filled story of one film maker, Ernesto Quintero brother's journey with ALS and his families role as caregivers.

This was perfect timing in the back drop of the recent ice bucket challenge among celebrities to support ALS. For me I was able to learn more about this devastating disease, but equally important is the conversation about caregiving.  After the screening there was a very thoughtful and honest dialogue about caregiving with a panel of experts, including the film director Ernesto.

The documentary begins when Ernesto's brother  Juan is diagnosed with ALS.  This film touched the very core of me. It is one man's courage to fight against the odds. The film highlighted Juan's desire to give something back to the community.  He decided that he wanted to leave a legacy by painting a mural for his former elementary school. Juan rallied his close knit family and they all rose to the occasion to make his dream come true.

I was overwhelmed by this story of courage and perseverance. As ALS ravaged his body, Juan held onto his spirit. It made me think about my own 31 year journey of living with HIV and AIDS for 22. Right now, I'm at a junction in my life where I'm incredibility tired. Tired of medications, tried of sickness, tired of trying to make it happen, just simply tired. 

This documentary helped me to put things into perspective.  ALS is an horrible degenerative  disease. As I watched the documentary I  could do nothing but think, at least I can walk and use my limbs. Now be clear, I never compare illnesses because I believe each persons journey should stand on its on merit. Pain is pain and should never be measured. What one person can withstand, my devastate another and vice-versa. But this film made me at least acknowledge that even living with AIDS, I am blessed on so many levels.

I was struck by the strong family support and solidarity surrounding Juan. The father knocked me off my feet when he said, "God is the doctor of all doctors." This is one strong family in the face of one tough illness.

The family have risen to the occasion of caring for Juan. Caregiving is not easy. I remember those days when I took care of my mother during her battle with cancer of the mouth. It was a long 2 1/2 years. The commuting her back and fourth to the hospital for chemotherapy. The midnight calls and runs to the hospital. Even preparing her to come home from the hospital was not easy. Just trying to decide how I should clean her apartment and what to use that was safe for the both of us took work.

This documentary definitely stuck a cord.  I know first hard that there are very little resources for caregiving. I was impressed with this family as they provide around the clock care for Juan.

I was also impressed with Clorox's innovative project Care Concepts When Care Comes Homes. Clorox has created a full line of cleaning and personal products for caregivers.  As a person living with a chronic illness, these products will be helpful for me and truly, any basic personal care needs for a family.

The most impressive part is that Clorox took this concept a step beyond making products. When Care Comes Home is an important on-line resource guide for caregivers.  There is a caregivers guide from day to day caregiving with steps along the way. It is especially refreshing to see the partnership with the council of experts on the various topics of caregiving.

There are 66 millions Caregivers in the United States and very little conversation. Caregiving and Caregivers are important but yet forgotten. I think Clorox's When Care Comes Home is a great project. Parenting with Ernesto to create dialogue around caregiving is wonderful.  Overall it was a great evening combining the arts and healthcare eduction. Oh yeah and lots of popcorn.

There will be two more screening of this documentary with a panel discussion that will also include Ernesto. One in Los Angeles on Oct 1, at the CineFamily Silent Theater where Juan and his family lives and another on November 13, 2014 in Washington, D. C. at the West End Cinema.  You should consider attending.

Of course, the evening was not complete until Ernesto did the ice bucket challenge for his brother Juan.

Ferguson in Photos....

 Olson Images

The images coming out of Ferguson, Missouri are nothing short of AMAZING. Yet there have been clear violations of the First Amendment with arrest of journalist. The ACLU have filed a law suit on behalf of journalist  and freedom of the press. Some of the most incredible photos have come from photo journalist Scott Olson of Gettys Images. I would not be surprised if he won a Pulitzer Prize for his images. Scott was also arrested last week.

Scott Olson Being Arrested

Two of Olson's photos appear on the cover of national magazines this week Time and Bloomberg Businessweek. For those of us on Twitter we have seen this protest through photos, not just those taken by the media but also those taken by citizens with their telephones. Times have really changed. If you are not on Twitter  all you have to relay on to capture this movement are news outlets. I thought that I would share some of these amazing photos with you. ( I give photo credit to those I know for sure)

Scott Olson Image

They also marched in the day...

This man stayed on the picket line.

These men were stopping looters /Olson Image

She was passing out water and snacks to the protesters

Jack the co-owner of Twitter Jack passes out Roses

The Roses Caught On!

Owners of the Barbeque Joint came back before the week was up.

Trying to get tear gas out of her eyes...

The Nation arrived to protest at night and to help keep peace

Rev. Jesse Jackson 

And then they marched....

Michael Brown Lying in the Streets.

Praying for Chief Johnson who was given the duty of Ferguson Security. 

Black Love on the Front Line... Joe Raedle/Getty Image

The New Black Panther Party worked the streets at night helping to control looting and violence

St. Louis Councilman Antonio French has been there from day one!

Monks Came From Tibet

Chief Johnson

Olson Image

This was called an Amazing moment between Chief Johnson and a Protester.

Roses down the street Mike Brown was killed

Other Ferguson Post:
Michael Brown and The Politics of Respectability
The Case of Mike Brown