Being Deliberate in 2014!

Yesterday, as I was making lunch, I started to think about living verses being alive. I've got to admit, some days in my past, I was just alive and not really living. That tends to happen when I get sick, like when I'm having a round of IV medication, I stop functioning at full pace - not just physically, but mentally and emotionally. Then, when I get better physically, I have a hard time bouncing back emotionally and mentally because I had shut them down. It's almost like having to have physical therapy on my mind and spirit after each bout of illness.

Now these last few weeks I've been struggling physically and I had given myself over to the physical, and honestly, after the doctor dug that swab in my raw vulva on Wednesday, I was at a low place. Then something happened between Wednesday night and Thursday morning ... low and behold, I found myself at the gym Thursday morning - sore vagina and all ... Then again on Friday ... and again on Monday!  Still sore vagina and all.

As I settled back home from the gym on yesterday, it hit me right in the middle of cutting up fruit - while I am grateful to be alive, I said to myself, "Girl what you are doing at this moment is being deliberate, you are, living! Then it hit me, I like how this feels!

Yes, I was being deliberate about being deliberate. I could have stayed on the sofa, and I could have just as easily had potato chips rather than fruit. Then I was thinking that one deliberate thing creates a path to another deliberate thing.

See it's like this: CrossFit made me want to eat better. Like why would I have such a great workout then turn around and X factor it out? One good thing lead to another good thing. And while I'm still healing, those two good things - CrossFit and eating healthy - have added to my feeling better more each day and added to my productivity.

Yesterday I actually completed eight bracelet designs in the new 20 Collection, for RLT Collection commemorating the 20th anniversary of the Essence cover story.

I woke up this morning happy! Happy to be alive and happy in my skin! So it's official as I go into 2014, I am being deliberate about being deliberate about my life. I'm putting action to my life in all areas of my life to be my best me for me. 2014 makes 31 years that I have lived with HIV, 28 years that I have known my status and 22 years that I have had AIDS. I have no idea how much longer I will live, but I really want to live my best life for the rest of my life. Being deliberate is putting your best foot forward...

When you are deliberate you see progress no matter what areas of your life, whether it is working out, eating healthy, taking your medication, using a condom to keep yourself safe, studying hard in school, working on projects, pursing your dreams and putting action behind your goals. BTW, a goal without action is futile. Yep, I'm being deliberate about being deliberate!

Will you join me in 2014?

Taking Back Control...

In the month prior to going on this last round of IV medication I was on top of the world. Overall, I was feeling BETTER. My Irritable Bowl Syndrome (IBS) seemed to be under control. I was having regular, everyday bowel movements.  I had more energy and was feeling great. I believe the combination of my new diet, working out and juicing was the sum total of my better days. I've been eating Paleo since the middle of October. Basically, meat, vegetables, fruits nuts and seeds. No dairy, legumes, gains or refine sugar . I was juicing everyday and working out everyday. I love CrossFit. It is the workout to get me off the sofa and the people of at River North Crossfit have been very supportive.

Then WHAM! I got another herpes infection. Man, oh man, you talk about being hit from nowhere. Yet, I was still determined to not let the IV medication stop my routine. Somehow, though, it seems that I lost my control with no return. That first week I made it to CrossFit one time. My body just was not cooperating. This round of IV mediation hit me harder than any others while on Cidofovir. I'm typically able to bounce back a few days after the infusion before I have to go back for the next one.

This round I was weak and nauseous the entire time.  I wanted to juice, but had no energy and my meals were 90% carryout. I could barely make a cup of tea, so cooking wasn't even an option. This lead to some depression and the depression led to emotional eating and this led me right back to a hard case of IBS.  Last week was the first full week off IV medication and I was sure that I would start to bounce back. I did make it to the gym 3 times but working out was hard and when I came home I was done for the day. This of course led to more emotional eating, mostly sugar. It hit me by the weeks end that I was really constipated, again. It had snuck up on me from out of nowhere. My back pain has been intense since last week and I just don't feel good.

I get it today, clearer than I ever have.  My body needs certain things in this stage of my journey. There has been so much early damage to my immune system that my body needs help to be its best, especially as I age with HIV/AIDS. Yes, the antiviral medication keeps HIV under control, but basically thats all it does. So it's up to me to do the rest.

This week I'm back on it. I will be at the gym everyday, even if it means I come home and crash. If I keep working out, overtime I will have more energy, just like before. Yes, it's disheartening on some level, that I seem to be right back where I was 3 months ago. That first month of doing CrossFit was hard and I wasn't able to do a whole lot afterwards. I know in time it will render the results I'm shooting for, so I have to start somewhere.

Yep, I'm taking back my control.  I Love myself enough to be good to myself. I only have one me and the choices I make today will impact my tomorrow. I wish I understood this when I was 20, before herpes, before HIV, but I can't beat myself up about what I didn't know. Instead I will take what I do know and use it to my advantage for my best life.

When I leave the gym, I'm stopping at the store to pick up items to get back to juicing everyday and I will be cooking, even if it's a light meal. I'm getting back to my chiropractor this week and trying some other alternative things like acupuncture and massage therapy at a new alternative clinic.

When I feel like I want to cling to food to comfort me, I will pop a grape in my month or have a slice of pineapple, rather than a cookie. Yes, there's sugar in fruit, but it's natural sugar and that's better than refined sugar any day. If I don't have the will-power to not eat emotionally right now, then I will eat the things that will do the least amount of damage to my body. Anyway, on the Paelo diet you can eat as much fruit as you want.

I've learned somethings about my body these last 3 months, it really does operate better under certain conditions. Every time I tried to have a big meal of pasta or some other unhealthy food, my nausea was compounded and my bloating was at full force. While I don't seem to be able to control herpes, I'm taking back the control I do have. I'm doing it today and I'm not giving it up again. My body is all I have and I want to be my best me for the rest of my life, even with HIV/AIDS.

No Excuses!!

No Excuses!!

Monday Reflection: Living In Your Life!

Have you ever stopped to think about how you are living your life? No, I'm not talking about being alive, I'm talking about living. Being alive and living are two different things. Life is a gift, but living is a challenge.

 We are all faced with the challenge of living every single day. Some of us have a harder challenge than others. It seems to me that my challenges overall have been enough for two people. I struggle with the challenge of living everyday.

Like yesterday morning when I woke up. I thought about this one thing, about living; No, not being alive, but living. My health has been more than a challenge to say the least these last three months. I think I'm literally on, shit-no shit overload.

So yesterday morning I was feeling particularly bad, and my impulse was to give into what I was feeling. When I say feeling bad, this is what I was feeling, my back, lower abdominal and side is in some kind of constant pain, I'm nauseated all the time and I'm bloated beyond understanding because I'm not using the bathroom. What do I mean by bloated? Well, if I eat one egg it feels like I have eaten five. So yesterday morning that is what I was feeling. Now I knew I needed to eat so that I could take my morning medication and head to church, but I had/have no appetite and just the thought of eating makes me even more nauseated. 

So, when I woke up, I was actually aware that I was alive. I mean my body was screaming bloody murder, how could I not know? But then I was faced with how I was going to live in the life that was sitting in front of me. For the past three months I've been passing up church on Sunday morning for the comfort of my bed and the New York Times. When you are hurting physically it's easy to surrender into that pain, but yesterday there was something inside of me that wanted more for myself at that moment. So I made my way out of that bed and starting pulling myself together for church.

 Now for sure, I almost quit in the process. Every move was an effort from make-up to hair to my Spanx, but I kept right on moving. When I made it to church, already in full force, I was overwhelmed with emotion. Not just because I am alive having lived with HIV for 30 years and AIDS for 21, but because, I've not given my life over to this horrible disease. Now for sure, some days I do nothing. Right, I listen to my body and understand my limits.  But  don't you know that doing nothing is also living. Everything you do is living. From sitting still to doing jumping jacks. For me it's about living well from, what I put in my mouth to what I keep out of my month.

Yesterday, I was struggling to get to church, but something inside of me said that I needed to be there and I was right on point. I needed the hugs and laughs that I received after church. I needed Pastor Jakes sermon, "Don't Stress." All that I received yesterday was what I needed to jump start this new week in spite of the health challenges. The thing about living is choosing to live well. Self-Care and Self-Love of course being at the top of the list. I'm on a mission to get these twins Care and Love right for me. I'm grateful for the gift of life, but there is a special gratitude I have for the ability to live in my life. What I know for sure, life is a gift and living is what you do with that gift. Living is putting the gift of life into action. What are you doing with your gift of life?

Monday Reflection: Before The Year Ends..

So we have made it to Spring! We are three months into the new year and what have you accomplished of your New Year Resolutions? As for me, going to the gym went to hell in a hand basket. Every single week I say, "I'ma do it this week," but then I have some reason or another. Now some of my reasons are real and others are excuses. I had a bout with my health in January and February. Then there was the bronchitis I had two weeks ago, but for the most part, not going to the gym has been nothing but excuses, excuses, excuses. I think if I dig deeper enough, there may be some other New Year Resolutions that are lagging in progress too.

We make these resolutions and we whisk right pass them like the Chicago wind. The good thing about a quarter of the year assessment is that you still have 3/4 more of the year to go before it ends. Right? Right! This means that it's not to late. I remember a trainer at one of the gyms I worked-out at frequently. He wanted to go to graduate school for Sports Medicine. We talked often about his dream. In the meantime, about a year in, I went to seminary for my Master of Divinity degree. Three years later, I was graduating and he said to me, "Shoot, I was talking about going to school long before you went and now here you are graduating and I still haven't applied." This was the truth and my only response was, "It's never to late, but first you have to fill out the application Boo." We laughed and he said, "And you know you're right."

So here we are 3 months into this year and your  goals are floating in the wind. This means it's assessment time. Ask yourself these questions, Why was that particular thing on my list?; How important is it to Me? I want you to rate it, 1-5 with 5 being most importantly and then move from that point.

Now, its importance should be about YOU. Not about what people will think of you, but about how it makes you feel about YOU! Ask yourself, what sense of accomplishment will I get from it?; What values will it add to my life? You have to ask yourself, "Will this thing in the long run make me happy, content, accomplished?"

With these questions I want you to be really honest. If it was on your list because you saw it on Twitter or Facebook and there was peer pressure to say YES count me in, ummm then you need to get it off your list. That was not about your fulfillment but about how others will view you when you said you were going to do it.

You have to dig really deep within yourself about your list. Some of those things were superficial, but some had some real meaning; substance that will add to the the quality of your life, making it a better life.

So now that you have reassessed your list. Ask yourself what have been the impediments in my life to making this thing happen? Ask yourself, "Am I just lazy?" Or is there a deeper reason that I have not done that thing? Sometimes we sabotage ourselves because we are afraid of what it will mean and the lifestyle changes it will require.

Or, we are afraid that it will take longer than we would like? Especially when it comes to weight lost,  it takes time. You have to change your behavior and be consistent. Consistency takes work; but in this I want success right now, we devalue hard work. That's why so many "quick fix" diets have been more successful at sucking people in, then the actual amount of weight people have lost. For Real... If we added up all the quick fix diets and the amount of people who have tried them, there would be so many pounds in that number.

Trayce's Before and After to date!

My hair Stylist Trayce Madre has lost over a 100 pounds but it has taken a lot of hard work and she is still at it! Trayce's commitment has been STELLAR!

Commitment is key and so is your reason! She told me once, that there were to many health problems in her family as well as, early deaths connected to weight. She wanted more for herself. Not only did she want it, she went after it, one work out and meal at a time! She has made a life style change, not a diet.

I'm sure that we all have areas of our life where we want something for ourselves; something more; something better. When I started RLT Collection I had NO customers. August 9, 2013 will be 4 years and I have built my business one bracelet at a time; one customer at a time.

I have had to reinvest the dollars that I make, forgoing a new handbag. I have had to invest time. Learn my skill and most importantly spend time with my gemstones. Sure making a stretch bracelet takes 5 minutes, but designing a stretch bracelet and an entire collection takes hours. Yes, I could just put some beads on stretch and sell them, but excellence is my standard. I have a gift of design and I work hard at growing that gift. My BFF Luke will tell you, he calls and ask, "What you doing?" My response, "Working on bracelets. Let me call you later."

New Unisex RLT Collection!

There has been a natural growth to RLT Collection. I know another bracelet company that had major contacts. They got in with the stars and athletes and BAM! recently they made $30,00 at a truck show at Nordstrom's in a couple of hours. You know what? I'm not even mad. Kudos!!! I know a woman that has brought bracelets from both of us. The world is large and there is enough to go around. Don't be jealous of what others got! Thats the wrong spirit. Get your ass out of their success and direct your energy on your own!

Would that kind of mind blowing success be great? Damn straight, but everyone don't get those breaks, some of us have to work hard. We should NOT measure our success by others, but by what is organic. I just don't think God would plant a seed in our spirit and gift us with talents to go unfulfilled. Sometimes our measuring stick is off. Our energy and spirit is directed on the wrong think.

Luke's Instagram Meditation this morning confirmed this blog for me!

Now with that being said, get off your tush and do the things that will add value and enrich your life! My former therapist use to say to me, "Rev I know you can do it!"

"But Doc," I would wine.
He would say,  "Rev, discipline is a transferable skill."
 I would give him that black woman side eye. He would continue because he was not intimidated by my side eye.
"But Doc I would wine."
He'd cross his legs and say, "Rev, and I know that you have discipline. Ask me how I know? I know because you take your medication like clock work twice a day."
 At that time I was on Fuzeon that I had to inject in my stomach twice a day. It was incredibly painful and I cried everyday for a year; But I did it because not doing it meant death over life. My value was placed in my living.

Where is your value placed? If it means that much to you then why haven't you done it? What are you waiting on to be a better you? You have ______days ahead of you before the year ends!

I'm headed to the gym!


Postscript: I had a little writer's block but I'm back :)

 FOLLOW my new Instagram account for RLT Collection @RLT Collection It's all about bracelet fashion-- the latest trends in bracelets, as well as, RLT Collection news and contests.

And send me your bracelet pictures, I would love to post you wearing RLT Collection.

You can Tweet, Facebook, Email or Instagram your pictures, but make sure you tag @RLTCollection #RLTColleciton on Instagram so I can find it. I want pictures of YOU wearing the bracelets... but I'll also take pictures of your arm wearing  arm candy from RLT Collection.

My personal Instagram is @RaeLT

The Shades of Grey: Forgiveness and Friendship

I've never been able to have a poker face or heart. Nope, I wear my emotions all over my face right down to my core. When I hurt I hurt and when someone really, really hurts me, I don't know how to regroup.

But yet my heart is so good. There's something about me that picks up strays all day long. I mean I'm the person who tried to keep the baby pigeon alive on my back porch after her mother deserted her. I'm the person who moved a young gay male into my home after his grandmother throw him out over his lifestyle and I practically raised a teenage girl, moving her into my home and assuming a good deal of the responsibility for her. My Pastor calls it the Pastor spirit. He told me, there's this impulse to save.

Not only is my heart good, it's tough. I take hurt in stride and forgiveness serious. But I tend to be a black and white person with very little grey. Right is right and wrong is wrong and whatever grey that lies in between I've learned over the years can be a very dangerous thing.

I've learned over the years that when someone hurts you, you better take notice. Loyalty and trust is everything to me. So when that teenage girl, became a young lady and looked me in the face and lied with tears running down her face, "Mommie, I would never do such a thing." She had been stealing my BMW while I was on the road speaking and one day she left the garage door open and the other tenant's car was burglarized. My landlord said to me over the phone, "Mrs. Thornton, when I came into the garbage the door was wide open." I side with confidence, "But Mrs. Hawkins, I'm out of town. I have nothing to do with this." She replied, "Mrs. Thornton, but your car was gone."

When I came home from speaking I had to deal with it head on. We had our share of growing pains. Of young adult disrespect. That's why she was living down the street and no longer with me. You can't live in my house and disrespect me. We teach people how to treat us; what is acceptable behavior and what is not. But I never thought for one moment that I couldn't trust her, I mean with my life.

As the drama escalated over the week. This girl whom I had given the world to looked me right back in my face less then a week later and said with a straight face, "Yeah I lied. You just mad cause I'm not kissing your ass."

It didn't take a rocket science to see that we had moved into a dangerous shade of grey. That's when I asked for all of my keys home and car. When lying becomes that easy, you take notice. The saying goes, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. But it's a hard thing taking notice when you love someone.

Like what do you do with those grey areas for people that you love? With my keys in tote I continued to make an effort and each time I would learn a new lesson the hard way right down to the core of my heart. Then one day I decided that this is not what love should be like.

But their lingered my Pastor Spirit, something inside of me that told me that she needed me to save her... To love all her pain away... But I was trying to save her and killing me in the process.

It was the same thing with my biological mother. A heroine addict for a good part of her life, yet by the time I met her when I was 18, she was clean, married and living an upper middle class life. But by the time I was 24 her demons took center stage and mental illness became a way of life. I had to learn how to protect myself and keep her in my life it was a hard balance and I did it for over 20 years.

Same thing with Mama who raised me. She was a walking contradiction. One moment she was sweet as pie and the next I was bitch this and motherfucker that. But for the most part in my adult years, I negotiated and found balance well. I made my visits and calls short with Mama, because I could never trust her next move.

And after years of finding balance with my biological mother, mental illness, she dug a knife in my heart and twisted it. Lead by her mental illness, she sent me the most horrific letter. It began like this,

 "Dear Rae, I hate you and all Niggers."

My therapist  at the time, didn't bat an eye, he looked me straight in the face and said, "Leave her alone. Her mental illness is dangerous for you." And I walked away until the week before she died, when I dropped everything to go to her sick bed and then followed through by taking care of all of her affairs during and after her death. Her mother, my grandmother, whom I've never met in person, didn't want anything to do with it. I buried my mother in the tradition of her faith, Buddhism. It was me or the State and it was the right thing to do.

It was the same with Mama. I took care of her for two years in her battle with cancer and then buried her with class and dignity. A girlfriend asked me the day I buried Mama, "How did you do it?" I said, "I took care of Mama because of who I am, not because of who she was."

I try my best to practice what I preach. I try not to judge. I try to meet people where they are at, not where I want them to be. I mean in the end, all a person can be is themselves. But sometimes who a person is, is not a good thing for you. I had to learn, especially in the age of Social Media, that everyone is not meant to be your friend.

I try to love others, like how I want to be loved. But when someone hurts you whether it's a lover or a friend you are left with many shades of grey. Like how do you look someone in the face and smile and they dug a knife into you? And does it make you any less of a person that you can't be their friend? We throw this quote around like confetti, "When someone shows you who they are believe them." But when it's time to put this saying into practice, some how we are judged because we don't want to fuck with hurt no more.

Does forgiveness means friendship? I mean how does that really work? You hurt me beyond anything I could ever image and now I'm suppose to chit chat with your ass?

It's like catching your lover in bed with someone, are you suppose to crawl back into that same bed he shared with another? In this case you are left with a lot of hurt and often times a deep abiding love for that person. At least the person you thought they were. I mean did you ever think your lover would be in bed with someone other than you? Like how am I suppose to trust you ever again? How do I determine who you really are, and who I loved?

I'm faced with this dilemma in my life right now; a friendship that was violated in unimaginable terms. It left my new therapist speechless. And after she regained herself, She said to me, "This sort of stuff happens on TV, not in real life."

For months now I've been trying to sort out the pieces. The different shades of grey. The why? The how could I have been so blind sided? The what the fuck do you do with this kind of hurt; The kind of hurt that scares the fuck out of you, a fear of your own personal well being, physically and emotionally. The profound emotional abuse that comes with this level of betrayal. The working through what is real and what ain't.

Yes, there are a lot of grey areas when it comes to the people you love who hurt you, but I've had to learn that loving me first was the greatest love that I can render.

So, I'm finally at a place where I can work it out in therapy. I need to heal, and you can't heal holding onto the hurt. Nor can you pretend this shit didn't happen. You have to deal with it, all of it and deal with it at face value. You must be willing to  call a spade a spade  no matter how painful it may be, or you are no better off then you were living in the hurt.

 For sure, healing must take place before their can ever be a friendship again. And the thing is, while you can be sure of your own healing, you can never quite be sure of the other persons healing. Like have they really worked on the thing that made them violate you in these proportions?

It's been a heavy load. I've had to unpack everything that has been said and perform an autopsy on every single word and deed in the months since the initial hurt. Then on top of that, reexamine the entire friendship. That's a lot of work.

Like for real, for real, trying to determine what's real and what ain't has taken over my life. That's why I'm glad I'm giving it over to a mental health professional who can help me sort out the truths and accept the lies. To help me heal from this unfathomable breach of trust.

What I know for sure, is that Forgiveness is a must in order to heal. Forgiveness is a must if you live the life of a Christian. There is peace in forgiveness. You must do it because it's who you say you are, not because of you they are, or what they did to you.

But forgiveness does not, nor should not guarantee friendship. The betrayal forfeited their right to friendship. Love is a mandate but friendship is a choice that is developed, earned and kept on merit. 

For sure, I know that once their has been a breach of mass portions, nothing can be the same again. The author Nella Larson has a line in her book Passing, If a man calls me a nigger it's his fault the first time, but mine if he has the opportunity to do it again.

Clean Up The Nasty Within: A Better You In 2013!

The house that I grew up in was a world according to Mama. She made all the decisions those spoken and unspoken. But New Year's Eve she spoke loud and clear. In this house we bring the New Year in with a clean house and washed clothes. Often times I set about early getting the job done because I never wanted to give Mama a reason to either beat my ass or curse me out.

This tradition of cleaning before the New Year has stuck to me like Gorilla glue. Often times, especially in these later years I found myself trying to wash cloths when I'm sick. I could always hear Mama's voice, "If you bring out the new year nasty, you will live the new year nasty." Here I am a grown woman but my head still jacked up trying to meet a woman's approval who made her way out of the living, well over 8 years ago.

This new year eve as I sat on my sofa reading a book and drinking tea, two of my greatest pleasures, the little girl in me started to hear Mama's voice about dirty clothes. I started to play it over in my head and give it some serious thought. Was I really going to interrupt my long over due me time to carry out this tradition of Mama's? I then started to examine my life then and now.

My entire childhood was nasty and there wasn't enough bleach to clean up the meanness that Mama willed throughout the year. The order and cleanliness that was kept in our home was for everyone to see, but Mama's nasty was deeply rooted in her spirit and shinned bright in the dark spaces of our home.

Looking back I don't think that Mama always meant harm, this was just the only way she knew how to survive, live and thrive. Like to justify staying with the husband that was grabbing my beast, she deemed me the tempest whore. I was the light skin bitch that threaten her marriage, it was that conclusion or face the fact that her self-esteem was so low, that she sacrificed the safety of her daughter for a man to lay in her bed.

No matter how often I cleaned the exterior, I could never reach the interior of Mama. With this understanding I started to think about all those traditions that started so long ago in Mama's house and their impact on my life. Like Mama always cooked black eye peas for good luck but as long at the bottle of Christian Brothers was in the pantry, there was no luck in my cards no matter how big the pot of peas.

Then I started to think about all the resolutions people will be making this mouth and wondered how much of this will be on the surface with the layer of dirt so imbedded in the spirit it will take more then surface cleaning, just like Mama. You see, you can clean the cabinets of all the cookies and potato chips, but if you don't tackle the why food is your comfort your diet has already failed.

You can delete him/her from Facebook and Twitter, but if you don't love you more than having someone love you, you will be right back where you were with him/her, or with someone just like him/her.

If you spent your last dollar on a new outfit for the New Year Eve's party, you need to tackle your need to look good before you can make a budget and actually stick to it.

Often times the things we try to clean up are not the things we ought to clean up. And even the things we try to clean up are often times for others and not ourselves. Looking good on the outside will get you shadow praise, but if the inside is bankrupt then you only deepen your debt.

So before you delete that man from Facebook or Twitter ask yourself some deeper questions; like why were you with him in the first place; why did you stay so long; what makes him different from the last man you deleted from Facebook or Twitter; what did you give up to have a part of him and why; what was so important about having him that you were willing to sacrifice your self for as long as you did?

So before you hit the gym, ask yourself why am I really working out? And for that fact, all those resolutions you made, go down the list one by one and ask yourself, why? Why is this on my list? Why is this important to me? Are these the things that you think you should be doing because of some article you read, or it sounds good, or that people will approve, or are they things to help make you a better you for you because of you?

Most importantly, don't derail yourself. Be honest about what lingers from within. The Bible says, "As a Man thinketh  in his heart so is he." Your worth and greatness should lie within you for you. It has nothing to do with any one else. No man, no friend or mother. All your resolutions should stem from the depth of your greatness not the glitter of popularity.

For sure, unless you clean the demons that lay within, the smell of the nasty will seep to the surface and spoil all the work on you over and over again.

It's like sitting on the toilet pooping with the doors and windows shut. It stinks don't it? Yep! Often times when we get off the toilet, we go and get the air fresher and spray to hide the stench, but in reality, all you really did was mix it up together and now it's air fresher with a hit of poop. Air Fresher is surface spray that never touches the core of the smell. Don't let your life be like air fresher.

For sure all the air fresher in the world will not transform your life. It's not until you open the doors and  the windows and let the bad oxygen out, that the new can come in and transform that very spot. Start deeper! Clean up from within....


Post Script: By the way, I opted to continue reading my book until I made my way to church for the New Year Eve's service. I'm cleaning up Mama's demons that have been embedded in my spirit, one demon at a time!

Friendship Should Not Hurt!

I blog a lot about relationships but not so much about friendships. For sure they can be as wonderful and toxic as a "relationship." I was thinking a lot about friendship because the girl in the apartment up over me was at it again. There is always some kind of drama and it typically begins in the we hours of the morning.

As I was walking Sophie this morning I started to give it a lot of thought. So at about 4:00 A. M. I was awaken out of my sleep by someone yelling and throwing things over me. Instantly, I said to myself, "Here she goes again." I took a deep breath and sighed then tried to go back to sleep. It was difficult because I could hear the one voice screaming, as things rolled across the floor; CRASH! BANG! BOOM! Then for a while it got quiet and I drafted back into sleep land. All of a sudden, I heard CRASH! BANG! BOOM! again. I looked at my phone, it was now 6:00 A. M. I dragged myself out of bed to go knock on her door. I was trying to be nice before I called the police. Next time, I will just call.

Anyway, as I made my way out of my apartment there was a young woman in tears sitting on the stairs between the second floor. She was a wreck! She had her coat and bag in her lap. She looked pathetic, sad and helpless.

She looked at me and said, "I'm sorry, I just want to get my things and go." That's when I noticed that she was wearing one boot. "Why don't you just knock on her door and ask for your boot?" I suggested. She replied though tears, "She's crazy. She literally picked me up and threw me out of her house." I took a deep breath. Just as I was exhaling, I saw a police officer standing at the outside door. "Thank God," I mumbled.  I'm glad that someone had called. Clearly this was a messy mess that I could not handle. The girl jumbled up from the stairs and came down by me, scared she mumbled, "I don't want to get involved I just want to go home." I opened the door for the police officer and the first thing he asked, "Did you call?" "No, but I was gettin ready to," was my reply." He started to assess the situation.

The young lady was scared out of her wits. She tried to explain that all she wanted to do was go home. She wasn't making much sense to the officer so I explained what I had heard for the last two hours or so and her pattern in the past. He headed for my neighbors apartment and the girl came closer and closer to me. "How long have you known her?"I asked. "About a year," the trembling girl said.  "Has she ever done this before," I questioned? Trying to asses it all myself.

The girl began talking, We went out drinking and she asked me if I wanted to spend the night. It was late and I said yes. We were up there and she just started screaming and throwing things. I don't know what happened. She's crazy.

The second officer had made his way to the outer door and the girl came closer and closer to me. My impulse was to guard my door and Sophie who was in the bed looking at me. I closed my door and opened the outer door for the police officer. The girl started trembling, she couldn't talk and so I gave a mini review, the police officer took over and I closed my door.

When that police officer walked back out the building, I was so concerned about the girl that I opened my door again. The young lady was scared out of her wits. The other police office was still upstairs talking to the girl in the apartment. I could hear bit's and pieces of the conversation. She sounded all articulate, but it were clearly wrapped around some kind of mental illness. She sounded normal, but if you really listened closely, it was a bunch of articulate crap that wasn't making sense when you add it up. About a year ago, she had invited a friend to stay with her until she found an apartment, and it was the same thing every night. Clearly, she is the problem.

The Police office shut her door they stepped in and I could no longer here the conversation.  I was wondering what the Officer thought the moment he stepped into her apartment. She has been trowing things for almost 3 hours or so. In fact, I have no idea  how long the girl had been sitting on the stairs in the hallway, but when I found her there the girl in the apartment was still trowing things and screaming.

The young lady standing at my side spoke up, "I don't want to get involved. He took my drivers license," she mumbled." "It will be Ok," I tried to comfort her. "If I were you," I added my Aunite advice, "I would be done with her. This is not her first time behaving like this." The girl's eyes got big and she reached out and touched me as to say thank you, thank you for confirming that this is not about me.

"So it's not me?" She asked. "No dear heart I've seen it over and over again." I could see the big thank you in her eyes and she sighed in relief. "There's something wrong with her I added, I would be done if I were you." She spoke up in a hushed tone as trying not to anger the girl upstairs. "I'm a really nice person. All I want to do it bake cookies and be nice to people." I giggled to myself. Wanted to say much more but it was not my place. My role at that moment was comfort.

By that time, the police officer came down with her boot in his hand, shaking his head. "How long have you known her?" He than began asking her more questions about their friendship. It was clear to everyone that she was in over her head; that this girl was not the girl she thought she was.

A few minutes later, the girl up stairs walked out of her apartment and when she saw her friend standing there she hollered to the police officers, "She don't live on this premise, make her leave." They shook their head and told her to go back into her apartment. Then she wanted to know for how long? Like really?!

When she shut her door, the police went back to speaking with the girl. They asked about her well being and how she was going to get home, the first officer on the call, a fine brother might I add, offered to give her a ride home.

I said a prayer for her as the police officer escorted her out of my building. About five minutes later, the girl upstairs came out of the building walking her dog as if nothing had happened. As if she was just a regular Gold Cost Girl walking her dog. As if she hadn't terrorized the hell out of this girl for the last 3 hours.

I was so blown away by it all. We meet people and we really don't know who they are. All we really know is what they tell us and what we see. This goes for dating and non dating relationships. And what if, what they tell you, is a lie? How do you work your way out of their maze? And if God should fix it so you learn their truths, what do you do with them?

Do we rationalize friendships based on the good things, over and above the bad things? You do trade off some of your spirit to be a part of the "in" crowed; to have chic friends; to have a ride to the party; to not be lonely; to have someone pick up the check at dinner? The list can of why we stay in toxic friendships goes on and on.

As we move into a new year and a better you, I'm asking you to access your friendships.  Ask yourself these things: Does that person add value to my life? Do they take more than they give? Do they make you feel a certain kind of way at certain times? Are they always negative? Does everything add up or do you have that funny feeling about their life, the things said and the things you have seen. Are they really living the life that they preach?  Do you have arguments over things that don't even make sense?

In making your assessment I want you to remember: If they lie once, they will lie twice; if they throw you out of their car or apartment once, they will do it again; if they degrade you in front of people once, they will do it again; if they talk about other people to you, they will talk about you to other people; if you thought an issue was resolved and you still hear about it in the grapevine, they play in mess for fun.

 People are basically who they are unless they have had some real help over a long period of time. Change does not come quick and easy. Especially if their is some clinical mental illness that has not been diagnosed and even with those diagnosed. People stay in denial, and even family stay in denial and then change never comes. Sometimes, the change for that person is hard. Sometimes, they are not mentally ill they are instead, sociopaths that prey on people. Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference. Sometimes mental illness is an excuse for unhealthy behavior.

But what I knew for sure is this, their inability to change does not mean that a change cannot be within you. You should never be in a relationship where you feel less than. Self-Love should be your baseline. Everything stems from that place where you can be your best you. Never sacrifice your spirit for sub-standard love and nurture.

In all cases you must access your liability and your gain. The liability should never out weigh the gain.

Self-Love should be your parameter. If you feel a certain kind of way in your spirit when you are in contact with that person, you have to ask yourself honestly, is this feeling worth it?

Does this feeling destroy a part of my spirit each time I encounter them?  Friendship should never hurt. This morning I saw a wounded girl, a hurting girl. I pray that she will deal with this trauma and go on with her life. For sure, when someone shows, you who they are, you better believe them or each time you come back, they will hit you harder and harder.

With Self-Love as your guide, you can be a better you! Happy New Year! Here's to making you a better you in 2013!

Monday Reflection: Balancing Hurt-Accepting The Seasons

When someone alters your life without your permission you are in the land of... This is fucked up and how do I recover? You are faced with very hard decisions of how do I balance the thing that has happened to you, with the person that has done it?

They are not mutually exclusive and cannot be compartmentalized; they are very much connected. This becomes very complicated, especially when the person that has done that thing, you love, like for real, for real.

I remember when I was in a relationship with an addict. It was some hard stuff trying to balance my love for him and my love for self. After each time he went out on his monthly drug binge he came home, remorseful, full of guilt and shame.

Yep, he said everything I needed to hear for me to keep him in my life and let him stay in my home. Actually, it was everything I wanted to hear. He always said the right thing, like, "I'll go to AA everyday if need be." As if going to AA was going to actually help him be better; rid him of the sickness of addiction and he wasn't really working the program. Going and working it are two different things.  He even agreed to my demands, let me manage all the money, as if me holding onto the money would stop his addiction. But I went alone with the new plan each time, because I loved him and wanted him in my life. I understand that addiction is a sickness and I was prepared to stand by my man at all cost. I believed it, hook line and sinker and I actually think he believed it, that is until he went to the crack house again.

It was a tangled web. He would go out... hurt himself and me in the process. Let me tell you, there is nothing worst than waiting on the man you love to come home from a crack house. Nothing like watching someone you love hurt themselves over and over again.

During that time I became sicker than  him. I spent all of my time trying to figure out how to keep him clean. My life stopped trying to save his life. His sickness was addiction and my sickness was him.

Then one day he left and I thought my world had crumbled. Life without him was no life at all. But, looking back, I think God did for me what I was unable to do for myself. Get him the hell out of my life, before I destroyed myself trying to save him. Love of a person should never trump love of self, whether family or friend. 

It's hard balancing whether that person should continue to take center stage in your life. First off, you must time take to process and recover from the trauma, drama, the hurt, the change, the breach. While that person's sickness is important and of concern, it cannot trump self-care. You can't help no damn body, if you don't help yourself first.

You must allow yourself time to heal! I tell my BFF Luke all the time, "You can't be a person's "friend" that just hurt you, right now."  That shit is to fresh. You need time to recover from the hurt. But most importantly, redefine the relationship. For sure, once there has been a breach of some sort, things changes. It does not matter the context of the breach, it is what it is. To not consider this new information is not only foolishness, it's dangerous to you emotionally, and potentially physically.

Trying to operate business as usual in the face of change that someone else caused is not self love or self care.  I say all the time, when someone shows you who they are believe them, don't explain it away or make excuses.

I can't tell you whether to keep that person in your life or let them go. For a fact, some people are for part of the journey. Everybody ain't meant to be in your life forever.

We get in God's way, trying to have our way. I heard Bishop TD Jakes say once, "That the problem comes when God removes that person and you try to hold onto what you should have let go." For sure, the Bible say's, for everything there is a season.

And truth be told; some people should have never been a part of the journey. You see the signs early, but you dismiss them. That conflict, your gut, your inner voice, whatever you call it, should never be dismissed out of your need for love and fellowship. If it's to good to be true, it probably is. There is a price for everything and don't you ever forget that. When you don't listen to that inner voice, you end up in a messy-mess. That mess becomes a diversion from God's plan for your life and then God has to get you out of that mess, help you recover from that mess, before you can get back to what has been planned for you.

My Mother With a Book and Cup of Tea

I had to learn this lesson with my  biological mother. Accepting the seasons of a person in your life is not easy this I know for a fact.

My mother didn't come into my life until I was 18. She and I were building a relationship. But by the time I was 24 her mental illness took center stage. Half of her life as a addict, her demons and self-loathing became king in her life. She tried to kill herself through self mutilation. It was devastating and it sent me to therapy for the first time in my life. It was the start of learning to balance her mental illness and accepting the seasons.

At first I tried up close and personal but it was to overwhelming, to damaging to me. Then I got in a grove. I  found a balance to keep her in my life, but that was not over night. It took well over a year and six months of therapy to get to that place.

For over twenty years I met my mother where she was at in her mental illness, not where I wanted her to be.  I loved my mother and although she didn't raise me, I know for a fact that I got my love from books and tea from her. I held on for as long as I could. I held onto to the person she had become as a result of her mental illness, not the person I first met. I got out of denial real quick.

Then  after twenty years there was another major shift, a new breach that was directed at me in the most hurtful way. It's one thing when the hurt is about them. You can balance it, understand it, sympathize with it and have empathy for it. But when the mental illness becomes about you, you must redefine the relationship immediately.

Mental illness is not a play thing. The difficult thing is accepting that they are operating out of mental illness and not a place of recovery. You remember the person they use to be, the person you want them to be, the person you thought they were. But accepting this season in their life is a must, a must for your own mental health and the new season in your life.

It was one of the most painful things in my life. But I had to redefine the relationship for my own emotional and physical well-being. I cut my ties for almost two years, until the week that she died. There is no remorse or guilt. I know that I did the best thing for me. In fact, when I arrived to her bedside in Buffalo New York, I learned that she had started to use drugs again. Probably as a way to self-medicate her mental illness, which is not uncommon. I got out of her web before I was tangled in it. I saw it for what it was and I acted out of my best interest. There is nothing wrong with taking care of you.

I am glad though, that I went to her bedside. It was the best decision for both of us at that moment in time.  It was a new season and I listened to my inner voice yet again.

Looking back, it was a great balancing act for me over the years. You must learn to take the moments in time as they come and weigh out the best decision for your well-being. Nothing is set in stone, take it as it come. But for sure, your love for any one person cannot negate your love for yourself.

For sure, you cannot operate in a relationship that has hurt you as business as usual. You must step back, take the time to heal. Then take the time to redefine the relationship. But healing must be first.

 Hurt clouds your judgement. It's an nasty emotion that can control you for the rest of your life. And if you allow that hurt to fester, you are giving the person who hurt you even more power over you. No one should ever have control over you, whether emotionally or physically.

You must work on your healing, whether through therapy, or prayer. I recommend both! They both offer you some newness. Therapy offers a neutral place to reach your aha moments. Prayer offers comfort, relief and newness.

As my Pastor  L. Bernard Jakes said on Sunday,  "It's ok to hurt from betrayal, it's actually Biblical.  But unaddressed hurt will create a vengeful spirit." Prayer is a privilege, a gift from God to us. We should use it!

Psalms 55:12-14 If a enemy were insulting me, I could endure it; if a foe we're raising himself against me, I could hide from him. But it is you, a man like myself, my companion, my close friend, with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship as we walked with the throng at the house of God 
  
55:18-17 But I call to God and the Lord saves me. Evening morning and noon I cry out in distress, and he hears my voice.