A Journey Into Self!

Writing my memoir is an incredible journey filled with discovery of self. I'm sure for those of you who journal it would be similar if you picked up an old journal, say from fifteen years ago and re-read it. Well that's how writing my memoir has been for me.

Looking back, for most of my life, I understood that my childhood had been riddled with physical, emotional and sexual abuse. But it was always as if I was on the outside looking in.

Even the first version of this memoir that was under a book deal with a big time publishing house. I put a lot of information in that first manuscript, but I did not unpack not one story. Maybe I just needed to get it all out of me as a base line. Or maybe I was also protecting myself, from my own story. Let me tell you, walking head on into a deep black hole of abuse is no easy task. You have to have a lot of nerve and equal strength to examine every horrible thing, but at the same time not allow it to consume you. I believe that I could not have done this that first time around.

I know for sure that the first book was riddled with crazy and that is always a sign. My first ghost writer who was a former editor at a magazine that I was suppose to trust quit, leaving me high and dry because the advance wasn't enough money for her liking.

But truth be told, under pressure, she couldn't do the job. Before the book was sold, another major publishing house asked us for a sample chapter and rejected her efforts two times, like what the fuck is this? As a result, my literary agent said it lost us a six future book deal. He was royally pissed, especially since literary agents get their payment up front.

Then, my second writer, could deliver a sample chapter, but after about five chapters it was clear that she couldn't complete the task. It read like a six year old had written that bull shit. I fired her and she walked away with the ten thousand dollar advance that I had given her up front in good faith.

 My back was against the wall. I had to deliver this manuscript to the publishing house that actually signed me, so I wrote it myself. At the time, I did the best that I could with what I had. I knew that it needed revisions, but I also understood that my editor at the big time publishers would guide me through that process, that's why they get paid the big bucks. But she didn't make sense to me. I remember one time she told me, "I want it to read like a Jame Frey, embellish, embellish, embellish, just don't lie." WTF?

After weekly calls with her and submitting revisions on I think three chapters it wasn't even remotely enough for my big time editor.  She told my literally agent  that it was the worst written manuscript that she had ever read and that it was not her job to re-write and the publishing house walked.  I was crushed. The rejection, left me wounded. I internalized this like I internalized everything my mother told me about myself that wasn't true. It is crazy to think that I allowed  this woman to get in side my head. I had just finished my Master of Divinity degree at McCormick Theological Seminary on a Merit Scholarship and was working on my PhD on an academic scholarship at the Luther School of Theology. Of course I could write.

About six months later, my good friend, George Curry, who was the editor of Emerge Magazine, said so. But most importantly, after he read the manuscript, he said to me that this is one hell of a story that must be told. That publishing house he felt, made a mistake. He told be to do the re-write, and not worry about who validates me. But I was so paralyzed, no matter how many times I tried I bulked.
I could tell the stories of what happened, but I would never re-enter them. Maybe that was a tool of survival for me, just like when I was a child living it. I had learned to keep the pain at a distance. Today, I can honestly say that I have held little Rae's hand. I have cried with her  and nourished her as she told her truths.

Looking back, maybe God knew that the time was not right those twelve years ago. My subconscious said HELL TO THE FUCKING NAW!  It was not willing to allow me to give of myself, not in this way. I believe  that there are no mistakes. I wanted that book deal so bad for so many reasons but I was not ready to tell the story that needed to be told.

Even when God gives you an assignment, when the time is right, the Universe lines up with every move you make. Today I am writing my ass off, telling the story that needs to be told, in spite of the pain.

 I have a wonderful editor who is working her ass off with no money upfront. I have five readers on the team who are walking this painful journey with me. Not to forget my therapist and my psychiatrist who has helped me to unpack every painful thing that needed attention. They have listened to me read chapters with patience and compassion and helped me to unpack every horrible thing that happen to me.

As painful as it has been when I embarked on this book project a year and half ago, I was ready to do this. I was ready to walk in solidarity with that girl  little Rae, who was so deeply wounded by those who should have protected her. Over the years, people have asked often, if speaking was cathartic. My answer has been an unequivocally NO.

But writing this memoir has been a journey into myself. Looking into that black hole that was my life, has been one of the most important parts of my healing.

I know that I will walked away better for giving my  journey up to the universe for God to use. I hope and pray that those who read my memoir Unprotected will not only hold onto the hand of little Rae, but the little girl, the little boy that walked their own journey. Although, we may not be the same issues, we, hurt nonetheless.
What I know for sure, at some point in our life, we must release the pain, so that you can fully heal.

Monday Reflection: Set Your Intention- Make Your Goals!

WOW! I honestly cannot believe that it has been two years since I've blogged. *Side Eye* I have no idea what happen in 2017. And guest what, I'm going to beat myself up about it. We are often to hard on ourselves, including me, for no danm good reason. Whatever you did or did not do, that will forever be a part of your past. Even if it happened today, say at 9:00 A. M. -well at 9:01 A. M. that shit was history. Time moved on and so should you.  Stop beating yourself up -it serves no good purpose. But it does destroy the spirit. Whatever lesson you learned, receive it and move the fuck on.

Well, in all of 2018 and so far all of 2019 I've been working on my memoir- Unprotected. I mean really working on my memoir- for real, for real. When I set out last year about this time, to finally get it done, that's exactly what I did.

So where the heck is it you may ask?- glad you asked- I'm still getting it done.  Not beating myself up about it either.

I set my intention well over 25 years ago and I'm reaffirming it every single day. That is- to continue to let God use me- my story to enrich the lives of others. Some of you may say, but you do that already, through speaking, through your use of social media.  You are so right! But I began to explore what was missing from the story and how I deliver it. This is especially true in the #Metoo era. God continued to make clear that the time was right for the fulness of my story. It was time to talk about molestation and it's impact on my life. How HIV fit into the equation.  How one overcomes rejection and abuse. How a child grows up to be told-You ain't never gonna be shit, to turn around and still get 27 years of education with honors.  God said, the story is much bigger than being the first Black woman to tell your story of Living With AIDS on the cover of- Essence.

The Goal then became the memoir- Unprotected, as another way to live God's purpose for my life.  

 Goals are about your future- a desired outcome. Intention is the thing that jumpstarts your goal. It comes from the place of presence. It's the authentic Core of you.

My memoir is the intersection of my life's  purpose and how I live it  each day- my intent each and every day is to be a vessel. I achieve that each and every day through my transparency- living from my soul.

 I reaffirmed my intention - Let God Use Me--and I followed through in every way. Every word that has been typed  is to meet that goal- So many days I became that little girl who survived the trauma. For me it was the only way to achieve the goal.

  Every single thing that I have done for the last 15 months has been about the book. First, you all sent me to Bali, for which I will be forever grateful.

I choose a boutique hotel near the Bali Sea, about an hour  or more away from tourist type stuff. I did that so that I  would have no distractions. My gut told me that being in an environment that was Zen filled was the medicine I needed to start this painful journey of writing this book and I was right.

 Sometimes you have to create a space so that your environment works for you, rather than against you.  I know everyone can't go to Bali but you can create an environment for the life you want to live. Your home for example should be a place where you can breathe. If you share your living space, then your bedroom, the bathroom, find a spot in your house that breaths life into you. I live alone and I don't invite many people into my space-it belongs to me-about me-for me. The world is crazy enough to let all that drama into your life, especially those things that you can control.

That 14 days in Bali gave me the jump start that I needed. I knew that writing this memoir would cause a lot of emotional trauma-- I was right-it has, but there was something about Bali that  said to me you got this. Maybe it was nature, the kindness of the people, especially the Balinese women, honoring God throughout the town every single day. The Australia friend, Tesa  I met who continues to cheer me on.  I just know I came back home ready to work.

The other thing about intention and goals is that you must be willing to follow through. You can create the best possible environment, but if you don't do the work, it will not get done. And every time you make an excuse you are feeding yourself bullshit- it will defeat and that will break you, your spirit and your confidence. There is something to this thing about the energy you put out into the Universe. When you set your intention your goals and you act accordingly the Universe creates more and more space for you to be successful. 

Take last week. For those of you who follow me on Social Media, you know that my fur baby Chloe Chanel had surgery. Thank you for supporting the Go Fund Me to help pay for the surgery. She is recovering just fine, but last week was nothing short of crazy. After the surgery, she wouldn't eat, drink or wee wee. I was going through fur baby Mommie drama. But at the same time I didn't surrender into the madness. I knew if I allowed it, it  would take over my life.  When drama comes, you can't create more drama by giving into the misery. Leave that shit right where it is. Yes, I had to take care of my baby, but I didn't have to make it another emotional issue for me. It is what it is---- Stop creating unnecessary crazy in your life. And by the way, when you create more drama, you remove yourself from the preset moment. Noting get accomplish.

I didn't want to be taken off track.  Once Chloe had her pain medication and was in my arms knocked out, I opened my computer and got to work.  I didn't begrudge the time I couldn't work on the book, or how much I could not got done, instead I just did it. The energy you give is what you get back. Why put the negative into the Universe.

I have one priority other than to take my medication, that's to finish this memoir- so no matter what else pops up in my life, I go back to this goal-this intention. It is as simple as that.

Anything you want for yourself can be accomplished.
Even self improvement.  Let's say your intention is to live a positive in all area of your life. The Goal would be, how you achieve it.

You are at the table where Gossip is happening- talking about people is not positive.

You can participate or you can speak up-- that has nothing to do with me, let's talk about something else. Not there yet, excuse yourself and go to the bathroom.  Go home early.  You cannot control what others do, but you can control what you do, that means even walking away from the people who are not going in the same direction as you.

The more effort you put into not gossiping, the more the Universe will cheer you on.

Staying focused is not always easy. Sometimes it's a change of environment- I leave the house and go places, like the lobby of a nice hotel, it's free. For some reason I work well at Panera, and can't so much in Starbucks. They both play music but I cannot concrete in Starbucks. At Panera, I get me some tea and a scone-- free refills on drinks and they never put you out, unless you're doing the nasty on top of their tables. #Imjustsayin

During this entire process  of writing my memoir my therapist and my psychiatrist have been on this book journey with me-holding my hand- reminding me that I am more than what happened to me. Let me tell you writing about molestation is not easy. You got to relive the story, so that you can tell it, and then you have to get your verbs right.

Some day's it has put me in bed with Chloe shut down, not adulting. But I talk it through in therapy and I go right back. If writing about my uncle molesting me is to much to handle today, it's my book, my rules. I go to another chapter until I can come back to it.

I hope you get the point. Set your intention - set your goal and let everything you do and say, lead you right back when you get off track. Stop making excuses because it only does more damage-it is a hit to your self-esteem. Resolve it- either the time is not right in your life to do whatever it is you want--- or resolve that there is no time like the present.... Set your intention---make goals to achieve it-create the environment to get it done... The Universe is your friend, what you give out will come right back at you.

And another thing, tell the negative committee in your head to shut the fuckup--- it will have you jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge.

Namaste

Stop Blocking The Next Chapter of Your Life!

I took an unexpected vacation from blogging. No, it was not health related. My emotional and physical health is great. It's just that I've had so much work to do in other areas of my life, that blogging took a back sit. Be clear though, while on this blogging vacation, I realized that I LOVE blogging and I've missed it like I miss bread when I'm doing my Paleo diet, LOL but For Real. 

Yet, I also realize that you sometimes have to step back so that you can move forward. Sometimes you have to let go of somethings in order to grab onto that other thing hanging in the balance. If not, you risk it all tumbling down. You can only hold so much in your hands and that's an undisputed fact. And while it all may be important to you, there's nothing in the book of life that say's you cannot put it down and then come back to pick it up.

So I've  been plugging away and even at times simply muddling through with the edits on my memoir Unprotected. (Thanks for the pre-orders)  I'm still planning to release it December 1, 2015, so I suspect the next couple of months I'll be really super single focused. I'll try to get a blog or two in weekly. 

I'm in hump time and it needs to be finished. It's like one of those things you just have to do. It's like when you are at the end of a wonderful book and you're sleepy, but you can't put it down. I have that urgency in my spirit, I gotta finish! There is closure at the end of a good book no matter the outcome. You can sit back and say, "WOW, But, How-come," and to me that's the thing that makes a book good, it leaves you thinking. And the best part, once it's all done, you can pick up yet another good book. And the new book, gives you something new to think about

That's how I feel about my memoir, I need to finish this era of my life so that I can start writing the new book. Maya Angelou did just that. Most of her books where memoirs of different era's of her life. Now I'm not saying that I'm writing a new book, who knows what the future holds. I am saying metaphorically it's time to write this book, tell that story and move to the next phase of my life.

Even though I know all of this, I've still been paralyzed. I think that this paralysis is caused by the fullness of my story and the things that need closure. Like who infected me with HIV; Who molested me as a child; My dysfunctional relationship with my white biological mother and my black step grandmother, who raised me; How I dealt with homelessness at 17; My work on the Jesse Jackson presidential campaigns; How my childhood lead me to HIV; that marriage of mine; and of course how God undergirded my life, despite my life. 

The fact of the matter, finishing this memoir brings a certain kind of closure to parts of my life. I get that!!! Finishing this memoir will break the chains of my past and render it powerless over my future.

And just maybe I've been stuck on the edits because of the fear of my past being so public. And that in turn  is controlling my outcome, my future. Another fact, I've been so authentic and transparent up to this point, I know that I can't let this fear block the best of my gift, that is, being able to tell my story in a way it enriches the lives of others. I can't be chicken shit now that I done told you all the other stuff.

At the end of the day, we all have things that we are  holding onto that we should have let go a long time ago. Like that man you should have unfollowed on Facebook or that "sometimey" friend who's pictures you should have stopped liking on Instagram like yesterday. 

I don't know about you, but I don't want anything to hold me back from what's next. Whether it's physically or emotionally, I'm trying to be my best me. So I'm going  to bunker down these next two months and finish my memoir. 

I understand that you have to do what's necessary to break the chains of your past. Sometimes adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse write their abusers a letter and then burn it as a way of releasing the abuser hold over them. I know they tell people in recovery to remove themselves from people and places that facilitated their addiction. Maybe moving on means, accepting a marriage proposal from a wonderful man as a way to  let go of what went wrong in your last marriage. 

I don't know what you have to do in your own life to move forward whether you have unfollow, delete, write it out, burn it out, accept something new and wonderful even if you can't predict the outcome, but I do know, as long as you continue to hold onto the past, you are placing limitations on your future. And as sure as you are reading this blog, God has a next for you. But in the end, it's up to you to embrace it. The bible says that you cannot put new wine in old bottles. Stop blocking the next chapter of your life by holding onto what was.

Doing It My Way This Time Around!

People often ask, when am I going to write my memoir? And for the longest I wasn't sure if I wanted to tell the whole story. I mean once you put it out there, you cant take it back. And I got a whole lot of stuff in my closet.

And honestly, I believed if I was going to do it, then I needed a book deal.  I'm always thinking big and I just didn't want to do it on my own. And then a few years ago I was swept up in a world wind. A friend in the literary world made some inquiries on my behalf and in a matter of weeks I had one of the best literary agents in New York City. Hot dog, I knew this was the time. My friend also got me a writer and I never questioned her credentials. She had been the former editor and chief of one the largest magazines in the country. That was a BIG freaking mistake. I learned just because you can run a company of writers, don't mean you can actually write yourself.

But the three of us started this venture together.  My writer didn't know how to write a book proposal and my agent had to coach her on the particulars. That was the first sign that things were going down hill before they even began. But he thought that maybe she would rise to the occasion once we actually started writing the book.  John sent the proposal out, and within a week I had four meetings with  top publishing houses in the country. I was so excited! But then it started to crumble after the day of meetings.

One publishing house wanted a sample chapter, which is not uncommon. But Lord, Lord, my writer couldn't produce.  The first sample had to be re-written and the final product was rejected. Another publishing house also asked for a sample chapter, but John knew that it was futile, my writer just couldn't deliver. The heifer couldn't write and that was the bottom line!

We  did get an offer from one publishing house and John was hot. It felt that my book was six figure worthy, but it had been sabotaged by the writers inability to deliver. I took the book deal with Hyperion Publishing House, which, is still on the A list, but gee it sure hurt to lose the other publishing houses.

Then the drama escalated, my writer quit when I accepted the deal with Hyperion because it wasn't enough money. WHAT? You lose us three top publishing houses, then you turn around and quit. It was a mess. Then she wanted to be paid. I had to get a lawyer to get her off my back. I always say, be careful what you ask for, you just may get it. I was so set on having a "real" book deal that I accepted her credentials on face value and that was the beginning and the end of my book deal.

But the drama continued; I had to find another writer, so I went searching. And just when I thought I was going to sign someone, she changed her mind, she felt it wasn't enough time. But the fact was, time was ticking and I was going crazy. I found a local writer, who couldn't write either. I mean her sample chapter was decent, but she couldn't connect the dots chapter to chapter.

After  one month of interviews and three horrible chapters I knew it was a wash. She agreed to walk away, but she kept the $9,500 advance, after she had agreed to give a portion of it back. That's what I get for trusting her to do the job before it's done. Never again!  This book deal started to become a saga. It took on a life of its own and it was draining all of me right down to the core.

Four months before the book was due, I stopped my life and started writing my own damn memoir. I did nothing, I mean NOTHING but write this book. I cried and prayed my way through all the pain and drama of my life; Reliving it on paper was all consuming. I had a few readers helping me work through the grammar, cause yall, I cant spell a lick. But in the end I did it!  I finished the manuscript three days early.

But then the next level of drama began. My editor at Hyperion was a trip for real.  She and I fought over the revisions. That's tricky, ultimately it's my story, but the publishing house can walk away anytime they want if they feel you aren't giving them what they want. My editor told me things like, "I want it to read like a novel. Never leave the story." The problem was, you cant reflect if you never leave the story. But then she would tell me to "Reflect,"and when I did, she would turn around and she tell me to take it out. It was frustrating. Then it really became crazy. She told me one day to, "Embellish, Embellish, Embellish." She said, "For lack of a better explanation I want it to read like James Frey, just don't lie."

WTH? I mean it was already a tell all book. I told on myself and everybody else. What more did she want? There was so much  dick and pussy in the book, I couldn't image what more she wanted. And Yall know I came with it.

So after giving one year and four months of my life to making this book happen, Hyperion walked away from the book deal. I was devastated and embarrassed. Everyone on the planet knew I had book coming out. How could I face the shame of it all? And I really  was demoralized. Basically,  She said the book was to poorly written to move forward. HUH?  I think that's what revision's are for. WOW... I walked away from the book deal shattered. I can't write. WOW... I can't write rung in my head for months. That was one reason I was hesitant to start this blog. I had accepted someone's opinion of myself against everything knew was true because she was an "expert".

And so I've been sitting on my memoir for almost three years now. Praying and hoping that I get new writer to revise it so that we can try to sell it again. My agent has been clear, books that have been dropped by a publishing house have a taint to it. It's not impossible to resell, but it is hard.

So after sitting with my Soror Lynn Richardson yesterday, for an interview for Russell Simmions Global Grind, I was inspired to move forward. Yesterday's discussion with Lynn combined with all the support that I have gotten from my blog and all the continued request for the full story, I'm going to do it!  I wonder how many people can be blessed by my story, and here I am, sitting on it out of some grand ass idea of a book deal. I don't think God can be pleased with me is this one.  Jesus was born in a manger not the Ritz Carlton.  I have never been more clear. My life and all that I do is ministry and I should never forget it, no matter how it get to the people, just as long as it does.  I was lost, but now I am found!!

To hell with publishing houses and peoples opinion of my ability to write. I will begin revising my memoir;  It's my story and I can tell it anyway I want. I'm doing it my way this time around. So what I don't have a big publishing house, but I do plan to published my story. I've been waiting for almost three years on someone else to do for me way I can do for myself.

If people want to know the the full story they will buy the book no matter who publishes it. So I'm starting out on this venture. I have no idea how I will even pull the money together to self-publish, but the Bible say, if you take one step, he will take two.

My goal is to have my memoir Unprotected by World AIDS Day December 1, 2011, as we commemorate the 30th anniversary of AIDS. I'm excited! I hope that you are to! Keep me in your prayers. I'm going to move forward even in spite of my health.

If you are interested in purchasing my memoir  Unprotected please send me your email address to this link here rae@raelewisthornton.com

I'm doing it my way this time around!!!