Ms. Chanel Part Two

(continued from part one HERE)

 I pushed my Chanel handbag to the side and my toilet bath began. I tore off a good size piece of toilet paper and dipped it into the ice-cold toilet water. Then, I began to wash my body. I wiped off as much as I could from my behind, and then flushed the toilet paper. I pulled off another piece of toilet paper, dipped it in the ice-cold toilet water and repeated the procedure. Dip, wipe, flush, dip, over and over. After I’d gotten every single ounce of poop from one part of my body, I proceeded to the next until every trace was gone.

 As I sat on the toilet, wiping down the inside of my pants leg, I began to talk to God again. This time I asked, “Why? Why this? Why now?” I knew if I asked Him, sooner or later, He’d reveal his purpose. Maybe He wanted to remind me that a St. John suit is not my security blanket. Security is only in His arms and His love, no matter what the circumstances. Maybe it was to give me an incident, a situation that one day, at a future time I could use to inspire and encourage others. But this was not that day. After I finished cleaning myself, I dressed and washed my $150.00 LePerla panties in the toilet. I took some toilet paper, wrapped them neatly and placed them in the container next to the toilet.

I stepped out of that stall, walked to the sink and washed my hands. I took a long good look in the mirror, took a deep breath, reached into my Chanel and grabbed my make-up bag. I freshened my make-up. "Looking good," I thought. There were no outward signs of the assault that I had just gone through. I reached the bathroom door, turned the knob and walked out into the dining area.

With my head held high, I sashayed back to the table, still looking too cute in my black and white pinstriped St. John suit. My smile was sincere, because AIDS didn’t win. The diarrhea was a complete and vicious ambush. A total surprise, but it did not win. I’m not saying it didn’t hurt. It always hurts. But even though there were battle scars on my heart, and bruises on my ego, there was not one piece of poop on my St. John pantsuit or my beautiful black Chanel pumps. As I sat down in my booth and waited on my Five Nut Chocolate Brownie, a sense of joy swiped over me because I had not surrendered to the ugliness.

There have been many days in my life where I have had to hold my head high in the face of adversity. Yes, there were days that I was bloody, but over the years I learned to never bow. For me, it’s about how one maintains their dignity when their back is against the wall..... How you hold your head up, against the odds. Holding my head high was all I had that day. Beyond that, I couldn’t see any goodness in it. But God always has a way of using your pain for the goodness of others.

Post Script!

A year or so later, I told this story at a speaking engagement. That day, actress Sheryl Lee Ralph, also a speaker at the event, was inspired by my story. After the conference, she returned to Los Angeles and searched for other women who have been impacted by HIV/AIDS.

Sheryl placed these women’s voices center stage in a one woman show that she performs across the country. I am proud to be the anchor character, Ms. Chanel, in her one woman show, Sometimes I Cry, The Loves, Lives and Losses of Women Affected and Infected by HIV/AIDS.  Sheryl has literally touched the lives of thousands of people with her one woman show, while at the same time giving voice to women around the issue of HIV/AIDS.

Over these years Sheryl and I have forged a lasting friendship and partnership in our individual work around HIV/AIDS. I am proud to call her friend, and sister in this fight. Yes, this incident was a reminder that God always has a plan for our pain: God can turn your mess into a message. Our role is to stand tall in the midst of it all.  

I am also honored to be working on my own one woman show, The Politics of Respectability  based on my book. I'm honored  Sheryl Lee Ralph will produce me in this one woman show. 

Get Your copy of The Politics of Respectability Here

Ms. Chanel Part One!

As I strolled down Chicago’s Magnificent Mile, I was feeling too good and looking too cute to do anything other than take full advantage of the great weather. Chicago’s premiere shopping area was bustling with shoppers and sightseers, and I was one of them. Looking like a diva, from head to toe in my black and white pinstripe St. John’s pantsuit.
My black Chanel pumps and matching Chanel shoulder bag set my ensemble off just right. My jewelry was perfect. The sun’s reflection beamed out from the Pave diamonds in my ears. My three-carat diamond cross necklace, which was a gift from my sorority sister and friend, Allison Payne, draped perfectly around my neck. Catching a glimpse of myself in a store window, I was one poised woman. I felt alive. I felt totally in control. I was a power shopper in my element, and having a ball.

After hours of shopping, I glanced at my watch. It was really close to dinner time and skipping meals was a luxury I could not afford. I tore myself away and continued on to Houston’s, my favorite restaurant. On the inside, Houston’s was dark and cool, compared to the bright and sunny outdoors. The Maitre-d showed me to a booth, and as I sank down into its security, I gave God a silent “thank you” for the beautiful day. I thanked Him for the wonderful respite from this monstrous disease called AIDS, which was occupying my body. I hated all the ways AIDS tried to control and destroy me like an abusive lover, whose grasp I was not able to escape.

“Stop pondering negative stuff,” I told myself. I felt so good that I decided not to spend another minute thinking about AIDS or medications or side effects or anything but having a great time eating at my favorite restaurant. Any thoughts of HIV/AIDS would just have to wait for another time. I got down to real business. I ordered the Houston Hawaiian steak, a loaded baked potato, a Caesar salad and a glass of lemonade. Of course, dinner is never complete without dessert. So I ordered the Five Nut Chocolate Brownie Ala Mode in a Champagne sauce in advance. Before I knew it, the waiter was back with my meal. I hadn’t realized how hungry I actually was. I said a blessing over the food and then dug right in.

The steak was tender and juicy, cooked just right and the loaded potato was scrumptious. Somewhere between a forkful of steak and a bite of bread, I began to feel a somewhat familiar sensation. Something warm and liquid seemed to be easing its way out of my body. My first reaction was, “Oh no, this cannot be happening! Not here! Not now!” But as reality set in I realized that yes, it could be happening and probably was.

Still determined not to let anything ruin this day, I tried to gain control by flexing my anal muscles. I was bent on stopping it, but it was just as bent on continuing its course, right into my LaPerla panties. Slowly and cautiously, I stood up. It was then that I began to feel it drip down the leg of my St. John pants. That was the ultimate insult!

I started to the bathroom, determined not to panic. Diva Rule kicked in: “Beautiful people in beautiful clothes do not poop on themselves in public, and if they do, they remain in complete control of the situation.”

As I pulled down my panties and sat on the toilet, I kept telling myself, “It’s not as bad as you think it is.” Even in my distress, I reminded myself that the diarrhea was tapering off as of a couple of weeks ago, so how terrible could it be now? I got the answer to that question when I finished using the toilet.

Sitting there, I proceeded to take my pants off. In no way was I prepared for what I saw. My pretty lace panties were completely saturated in shit that covered the entire center of my butt. My left leg was covered with it, from the top of my thigh right down into my beautiful black Chanel shoe. Needless to say, it had painted the entire inside of my St. John pants leg.

At that moment it became abundantly clear to me that AIDS does not care about designer clothes or respect the solitude found in a favorite eatery. Neither St. John nor Chanel could do a damn thing to protect me. Not even my diamond cross was able to ward off that sudden onslaught of diarrhea. The ugly truth was that AIDS had a complete and utter disregard for everyone, everything and every body. Finding myself unprotected once again, I sat there, and faced up to the fact that there was no protection in clothes, no matter how big the designer names, no matter how huge the price tags.

AIDS had ambushed me, literally from behind, my behind, and all I had to fight it with was a roll of toilet paper. I pulled some off and began to wipe myself. I wiped and I wiped, and the more I wiped, the more I spread the poop around without actually cleaning it off.

I realized that nothing less than water was going to get rid of this mess and that posed a real dilemma. This was a public bathroom with multiple stalls, and the only privacy I had was in a tiny stall with a toilet. The sink was on the other side of the room. I knew I couldn’t walk out of that stall, leg covered in shit, wearing neither pants nor panties. And what was clearest of all was that this was one huge mess!

I sat for a moment trying to regain myself. I had to think this thing through. Looking to heaven, I whispered, “God, I know you’re up there.” And really, I did know He was up there, looking down on me. But just for a brief moment, maybe a split second, I felt abandoned. I felt unprotected.

I was almost ready to engage in a total pity party, but when I felt a lump in my throat and my eyes started to water, I put my foot down. I refused to let that tear emerge from my eye. Crying was not an option. This was my day. Maybe AIDS had ambushed me and tried to ruin my clothes, but I refused to let it ruin my day or my disposition. “Sorry, AIDS,” I thought, “this is one battle you’re not going to win.”

It was the only solution possible under the circumstances, a toilet bath? Never heard of it? Neither had I.

Part Two! Click Here... 

Post Script:
This Blog Post was taken from my current book, The Politics of Respectability. For more of my best blogs  get your copy HERE.

Bitter, Sweet.. BitterSweet... Video Blog

I was on the road speaking last night and I needed to wind down after a thoughful question and answer session with the students at Missouri State University, so I made this video blog. Now isn't life bittersweet sometimes? And would'nt you know it; there's even a plant that's named bittersweet.

On one level, it is loved for its' beauty and versatility, but yet disliked  becasue it's invasive and grows wild. But isn't that how life is? One monet beautiful and the next, crazy and out of control? So just keep on living no matter how life hits you, Bitter, Sweet or BitterSweet. Either way you are alive and at least, there is versatility.

Just Keep Walking

AIDS is a dark disease that takes me to a dark place some days. I try my best to be better than AIDS but some days are harder than others.

I never know what will trigger an emotionally bad day, but I look up and its just there. These last couple of days have been darker than usual. Now don't be confused, I kept it moving. I went to church on Sunday and worked on the Fall/Winter designs for RLT Collection all day yesterday, but it felt like I was dragging chains on my ankles.

When I first started speaking over 20 years ago, I would say that I was learning to co-exist with this disease. For sure this has been the challenge of my life.

Trying to keep the pretty in my life, while living in the ugly is some hard shit. Living with HIV/AIDS has been the dichotomy of a lifetime. But yet I know that light and darkness does co-exist, just like good and evil co-exist.

It's a complicated balance that I wish I could master. But if I could master it, then I would be like God. God I'm not. Shoot, I'm just grateful that God loves me in spite of me.

God's wonders are awesome. Isn't it interesting how we have just enough sunlight to the right amount of darkness? God does things so out of our reach. That's what make's God, God.

I find it equally interesting, that when you are going through your dark moments you feel all consumed, then something wonderful happens, the sun start to rise and you can see some light. Now be clear, you can hold onto the darkness and let it consume you and never see the light. You can be blinded by darkness if you stay to long.

Coexisting is something powerful. It says I will not allow you to take all of me. Some things can't be undone and for sure HIV is one of them. For sure HIV will take what it can; what you have no control over and even the things you have control over, if you allow it.

You have to fight for your spirit! You can't surrender all of you to that thing, no matter what it is. Your dark moment may not be HIV. I never try to equate other peoples pain. Pain is pain and what is a cake-walk for some, maybe a crawl for others. But I know for sure, no matter what darkness that swoops into your landscape, you can be the master of your garden.

This blog post started out as a pity party and in that instant I started to get it! I thank God for Aha Moments and I don't ignore them. 

Control those things that you can, those that you can't don't even try. Some things you have to give to God and let God be God.

And in the spirit of being human, whatever valleys you are walking through, just keep walking. It does not matter the pace, what matters is that you are moving toward the light.

What I know for sure is that stagnation will chip away at everything wonderful in your life. If you stand still in the darkness you will cut off your ability to even see a glimmer of light. The darkness will blind you to the goodness up the road.

So keep walking no matter how hard it gets... Keep walking no matter how dark it gets... Keep walking, Keep walking... Keep walking... Don't just walk physically, but walk mentally. If you are moving your body but not your mind, you are no better off. Find somethings to help free your mind. Something to take you to a space of newness.

 I read, knit and design bracelets and now I'm starting to workout.  For sure today is better then yesterday... So I'll keep walking until I get to a better place... Another day of bracelet designs for me. If my mind is on my creations, then it can't be consume with darkness. I search for a balance, a way to co-exist, both in light and darkness, ugly and the pretty.

 Each step is a new location. Sometimes, we just need to change our location... Keep walking... Keep walking... Keep walking

I wrote this one for me too! Love y'all!

The God of Small Things...

Often times we go to God with the big things. We even tend to celebrate the big things that happen to us in life, in a big way. But I'm wondering how much energy do we give the small things? The little things that touch our lives and honestly, help to keep us going.

I know I know, everyone is always looking for that big payday, hoping, praying and wishing that God will come through. But the God of Big things is also the God of little things and the blessings of little things is still a blessing.  I've been thinking a lot about this lately.

I'm not sure why, but maybe because the big things that I'm hoping and praying for just aren't happening. In fact, it seems like God just shut down on my prayers. I mean, like He had a conversation with Satan, just like in the book of Job and I'm being put to the test on how much I can take.

I think when we feel that God has deserted us, even if our desert moment may be real, we just need to take a step back and give an honest assessment of our lives.

 Now that's a big thing for me to say because I HATE when I'm hurting and someone says to me, " Well you're still alive." While it may be true, it makes me feel like my hurt isn't important. What I really hear them saying is, "Get Over Yourself." Ha, easy for them to say, they aren't living my drama. And no I'm not trying to quantitate pain.

No, I'm not saying your hurt isn't important and the thing that you are praying for isn't important, at least to you. What you feel is what you feel and what is happening is real.

What I am saying is that the small things get missed sometimes in the despair and even the joy of the big things. Now, I don't know what your small things may be, but I know you have them, because I have them too.

Knitting is one of my small things. I only learned to knit about 7 years ago and if God had told me that morning, that I was going to learn how to knit, I would have laughed. For Real! I left the house to go shopping and when I went into Bravco, a beauty supply store on the Gold Cost, the girl behind the counter was knitting. I said to her, "I always wanted to learn how to knit." She responded, "Go down the street they will teach you." I dismissed it immediately, I don't have time for a class." "No," She said,"They will teach you right now." "How much?" I asked. It's free," she said.

My curiosity got the best of me and I made my way to We'll Keep You In Stitches on Oak Street. I walked into this tiny knit shop and all eyes turned to me. There were these little old ladies sitting at a table knitting. I froze, ummm, "They told me down the street that you would teach me how to knit." Oh Sure," Betty said and Ronnie chimed in, "have a sit." The rest is history as they say.

They have definitely kept me in stitches.  Knitting has been a God sent to me. It's one of those places I go and it's just for me, reading, drinking tea and designing bracelets are too. There is no pain, no despair, nor misery in knitting needles, just delight. That little spot became a safe place for me one year. Knitting and those old ladies helped me through a severe depression.

What I'm talking about isn't really about knitting per se, but about how God can bless your life and we never really take notice. Some of us aren't even open to the small blessings God have for us because we are so focused on the big stuff and then bitterness consumes us when it doesn't happen our way that we can't see the forest for the trees.

That day on Oak Street, I was open to the little God voice that said, this feels right. I had no idea that learning to knit or those two ladies would be a blessing to me. It's been no secret that life has been very hard for me in the last 3-4 years, but as I muddled through the darkness, I'm taking note of the small things that blesses me even in the darkness and brings hope for an even better tomorrow. Yes, God is also the God of Small Things. Don't miss it waiting and watching for the big things!

Monday Reflection: God Will Bless Your Work!

I must admit I've been a late comer to Oprah's Life Class. I'm not sure why, but I just never tuned in until my BFF Markeeda commandeered the remote control last Thursday. Of course I stopped in my tracks because one of my favorite celebrities, Paula Deen was her guest. I LOVE Paula Deen! I mean everything Paula, from her story, drive, spirit and yes her dog gone recipes. I have NEVER had a bad recipe. OMG!

Paula found herself a young divorcee with no money and turned her one skill and passion into a million dollar empire. She went from $20 to $20 million.  Oprah asked her how she do it. And Paula said the most profound thing; And that has stuck with me all week just like gorilla glue. She said, "I did the hard work and God blessed it." WOW! How profound for an era of microwave and quick fixes to almost everything.

The Bible says that God will make room for your gift and I know this to be true in my own life. But how can God bless your gift if you never use it? I've simply had it with all this name it and claim it jive that floats in our world today, especially in these prosperity Churches. Yes there is some validity to blessing the church and the man and woman of God... But to make that the primary connection to one's blessing, is just not right nor is it Biblical.

There are so many Biblical examples of God blessing a person because they put some effort into it. From the lame man on the side of the pool made to walk, to the woman with the issue of blood, who risked everything going out in public and touching Jesus to get healed to the parable of the talents.

 The way it goes, Jesus  gave one person 5 talents, another 2  talents and another 1 talent, each according to his ability. The person with 5 talents worked all talents and gained 5 more, the one with 2 talents worked them both and gained 2 more, but the person with 1 talent buried it and gained nothing as a result. Nothing rendered, nothing gained. Even Jesus often performed a miracle with something. He turned the water into wine. He fed the 5000 with the fish and five loaves of bread. We always ask, What Would Jesus Do?  Well there are many examples, of putting what is before you to work.

Paula Deen had a gift for cooking and instead of hiding her gift as she did herself with agoraphobia for many years, she used what was before her.

Yes, she was afraid of leaving the house, but that didn't stop her. She sent her sons out with bag lunches and from that she grew an empire.  She even remembered that her lunches didn't look like much, but they tasted good. I submit the more she cooked, the more she grew her skill.

RLT Collection F/W 2011

I feel that way about my bracelet collection. The more I design and craft the better they will become. Over these last three years I can even see the the sophistication in my designs. And the more I design, the more I want to design. The more I design, the more sales I will get.

Paula Deen was so on point, God will bless your work. You cannot be afraid to step out there. Often times people are stuck in fear, afraid of failure, afraid of what people will think of you, just afraid.  There are no quick fixes in life.
In truth, you pay for everything you get in life, one way or the other. There is no pie in the sky, no gold at the end of the rainbow, no prayer cloth, or a minister that will make you rich. You have to do something for yourself.

So what everything isn't the way you want it, to make that move. In honesty, life will never be perfect, nor will the conditions that you think you need to follow your dream. Remember, Paula was afraid to leave the house; stuck in her own skin, but not in her gift. Ain't that something, this woman didn't allow the fears in one area of her life to carry over into other areas of her life. She used what was before her.

What's your excuse for NOT using all the talents that God has given you, not only for your own goodness, but for the goodness of others?

 I will stand by this idea that God will give you all that you need to make the most out of your talents, but you must be willing to use them. Paula said it best, "I did the work, and God blessed it!!"

Yep! Taking It to The Next Level!

Yesterday I had a photo shoot for RLT Collection, my bracelet line that I launched three years ago. I've been working on the new collection now for almost three months. Yes, I've been even working while I've been sick; Doing the best with what is before me each day. I think that we all should do our best with what we got; To do less is to squander what is before us.

I decided to take RLT Collection to the next level, so I'm taking steps in the right direction. You can't just talk about your dreams, at some point you have to put some action behind your dreams.

So here I am working hard to get to that next level. I'm having my first Trunk Show, on October 27th at the Comfort Suites, Chicago. I'm a little nervous about having fashion bloggers and writers review my work, but if I want to go to the next level, it must be done. The collection needs the exposure.

The reality of it all, everyone will not love my bracelets, but many will. I cannot let the fear of rejection stop me from giving it a try. I've just got to be willing to push the envelope. I also understand that I might even learn something from my critics, but I will be careful not to allow it to destroy my own creative eye, but instead use it to help me grow.

Yep, I'm doing everything I got to take my collection to the next level. I'm launching the RLT Signature line, The Power of Three. Stackable bracelets are the hottest accessory in fashion right now, from Barney's to Forever 21.  So I'm taking my designs to the next level, creating my own distinguishable style for my stackable bracelets. The Power of Three will be unveiled both at the Trunk Show and on the website October 27th.

Yep, I'm doing everything I can to take my collection to the next level. I'm in the process of revising the bracelet website, which is the primary place my bracelets are sold. I'm giving it a face lift, and website design is not an easy thing, nor my expertise. Nope... But I'm not letting that deter me one bit. So my  photo shoot yesterday was for the website.

I was very blessed to have an awesome photographer, Parrish Lewis of Parrish Lewis Photography. I'm honored to be the small pea among some of his big name clients. The make-up artist Nicole, from bombshellartistry, was just like her business name, a BombShellArtist.

The photo shoot was fun, but it was mostly hard work. I came home and went straight to bed. And let me tell you, this morning, I didn't want to get out of that bed. But I have a Trunk Show in 9 days; so, as usual, I'm pressing my way.

Yep, I'm taking RLT Collection to the next level! I'm investing time, energy and every available dime I can get my hands on. I'm giving it all that I have because at some point you have to stop talking about your dreams and put some action behind your dreams!

Monday Reflection: God's Perfect Plan In Rain and Shine

Have you ever seen the sun shine bright during the rain? It's such a wonderful sight full of joy and pain. As a little girl I wondered with awe how they do that?

As I grew up, I was sure scientist had some complicated explanation that I never bothered to learn because even as a child I instinctively knew that it must be God making miracles. I mean only God can bring sunshine in the midst of pain. That's exactly what God did in my life last week. Last Sunday I was at the darkest of dark places both physically and emotionally; And honestly I couldn't see my way out.

Last Monday's Reflection talked about how God delivered me from that dark place emotionally with a lot of prayer. But honestly, I was only lifted from the dark of darkest, but the overall emotional pain of managing my health these days didn't go away.

But it was like a film was lifted and I could see through the fog. Of course the physical pain never went away. But that lifting was just enough to get me out of bed and press my way, muddling through as best as I can. Yes, I was still in the fog, but I could see images of something better, as I pressed my way. Sometimes all you need is just a little relief to keep you moving.

As I was moving through the fog some wonderful  and unexpected things happened to help further along the work that I do. My Blog, won the Peoples Choice Award for CBS Chicago Most Valuable Blogger. I was so excited, humbled and grateful. It was the boost that my spirit needed.

Not even two years old to think that my blog would receive such an honor. But I'm clear, your support is the fuel behind the engine. There are days when I don't feel well enough to blog, and then you tweet me and ask am I blogging today, and I press my way. You read it religiously, you share it with others and equally important, you thought me worthy enough to cast your vote, some even countless times. THANK YOU!!!

Yes, God knows how to throw a little sunshine our way, even during the rain. As I press my way, I understand that you may never get what you want all at once. We live in such a Gold Card world in which, Name it and Claim it Christianity has helped to give people the impression that it will happen all at once, the way you want it. But the Bible says that God's time is not our time nor are God's ways our ways.  But one thing is for sure, God's plan for our life is shaped to perfection for all that we are, and all that we need. 

Now let's be clear, God didn't give me HIV that created my situation.  I made choices with the free will that God gives us all and HIV was the consequences of how I used my free will.  But what's so awesome is that God had a plan even for the choices I made; And as I try as best as I can to cope with the ugliness of HIV/AIDS, God is also making the best out of  my bad situation. God has given me purpose an has rewarded me for my obedience.  It's true, God will lift you up and elevate you even in your bondage; And don't be confused, only God could do such a thing. 

 Remember the three Hebrews who refused to obey King Nebuchadnezzar over breaking God's Law? They were thrown into the fiery furnace and God delivered them out of their obedience.

But check this out, it's even deeper than you think. God delivered them from the furnace, but they were NEVER delivered from bondage in Babylon. Instead they were given a special place in their bondage. Yes, only God can lift you up while in bondage and that's like the sun shinning while it rains. 

Monday Reflection: Embracing The Newness!

I say often that Monday's are filled with fresh possibilities, for it starts the beginning of the week. And I believe that there is a newness for each of us to uncover. Last week is gone and will never come again, that's an absolute fact. To stay stuck in last week is to squander the gift of newness that God has placed before you.

Now I know some of you are saying, she just don't understand. Last week is over, but the stuff of last week is still real in my life. I do understand, #For Real. But I also understand that some of this is of your own doing. You have allowed the issues of the former week to infiltrate your newness and now it has become infected. Some of that stuff really was resolved.

The problem is that it wasn't the outcome you had hoped for so you stay stuck hoping that the situation will change.  If that man walked out of your life, let his ass go. He probably did for you what you were unable to do for yourself. Be grateful that he is allowing you to get on with your life rather than stay and kill every ounce of your spirit.

And if  on the other side, God gave you a second, where you could think with a clear mind, and you walked away from the chaos with some of your dignity in tact, then why are you doubting God? There is nothing like a clear mind, it cleanses your soul. Why would you want to infiltrate yesterday's ugly with today's pretty?  The same thing can apply to that job you lost. Some changes aren't always a bad change. 

God always has a plan. The problem is we live in a right now society and we want quick solutions to what we perceive as a problem. We go from one relationship to another because we don't want to spend time with ourselves.  We take the easy and most comfortable way but that way in the end does more damage to the sprit. 

We see a lost of a job as a disaster, when actually it may be a blessing. When was the last time you actually had to re-write your resume and in doing so, celebrate your accomplishments? Shoot, you may discover that you had been selling yourself cheap. I'm just saying, some of this stuff we hang on to should have been let go a long time ago.

Nothing can grow in dead soil, but be cling to dry dirt like fertile soil. And in doing so, we create more misery for ourselves. That is not the place that God wants us to be. The Bible says, that He came that we might have life more abundantly. So why do we deny ourselves the joy stuck in pain. 

Photo by @ChicagoCabbie

Now I do understand on the flip side, some of this stuff has no other place to go, it's stuck to us like Gorilla Glue. Like having HIV or Lupus, is what it is. Some issues just never get resolved. Even the void of a lost one can linger and weigh you down. I understand this clearly, it's the life I live daily.

But I also understand, while I can't change the situation, I can change how I see it; even week to week. God gives us fresh eyes and a clear mind to use for our goodness. While I accept the bad with grace and dignity, I seek the good for God's glory. Each time I smile against the odds I say, "My body my be hurting, but my heart is happy." Only God can do such a thing, create diabolical opposites in one body.

There is light even between the darkness. Look at this cloud above us; Its God wonderful creation. And while there is darkness all around us, there is a light that will never leave us. So each new week, I assess the former week; I throw out that which has no place in the gift of newness that God has placed before me. I dare not squander this precious gift of life or an ounce of the newness that He graciously gives to me. Life is Better than Death Any day.. Any way... 

Doing It My Way This Time Around!

People often ask, when am I going to write my memoir? And for the longest I wasn't sure if I wanted to tell the whole story. I mean once you put it out there, you cant take it back. And I got a whole lot of stuff in my closet.

And honestly, I believed if I was going to do it, then I needed a book deal.  I'm always thinking big and I just didn't want to do it on my own. And then a few years ago I was swept up in a world wind. A friend in the literary world made some inquiries on my behalf and in a matter of weeks I had one of the best literary agents in New York City. Hot dog, I knew this was the time. My friend also got me a writer and I never questioned her credentials. She had been the former editor and chief of one the largest magazines in the country. That was a BIG freaking mistake. I learned just because you can run a company of writers, don't mean you can actually write yourself.

But the three of us started this venture together.  My writer didn't know how to write a book proposal and my agent had to coach her on the particulars. That was the first sign that things were going down hill before they even began. But he thought that maybe she would rise to the occasion once we actually started writing the book.  John sent the proposal out, and within a week I had four meetings with  top publishing houses in the country. I was so excited! But then it started to crumble after the day of meetings.

One publishing house wanted a sample chapter, which is not uncommon. But Lord, Lord, my writer couldn't produce.  The first sample had to be re-written and the final product was rejected. Another publishing house also asked for a sample chapter, but John knew that it was futile, my writer just couldn't deliver. The heifer couldn't write and that was the bottom line!

We  did get an offer from one publishing house and John was hot. It felt that my book was six figure worthy, but it had been sabotaged by the writers inability to deliver. I took the book deal with Hyperion Publishing House, which, is still on the A list, but gee it sure hurt to lose the other publishing houses.

Then the drama escalated, my writer quit when I accepted the deal with Hyperion because it wasn't enough money. WHAT? You lose us three top publishing houses, then you turn around and quit. It was a mess. Then she wanted to be paid. I had to get a lawyer to get her off my back. I always say, be careful what you ask for, you just may get it. I was so set on having a "real" book deal that I accepted her credentials on face value and that was the beginning and the end of my book deal.

But the drama continued; I had to find another writer, so I went searching. And just when I thought I was going to sign someone, she changed her mind, she felt it wasn't enough time. But the fact was, time was ticking and I was going crazy. I found a local writer, who couldn't write either. I mean her sample chapter was decent, but she couldn't connect the dots chapter to chapter.

After  one month of interviews and three horrible chapters I knew it was a wash. She agreed to walk away, but she kept the $9,500 advance, after she had agreed to give a portion of it back. That's what I get for trusting her to do the job before it's done. Never again!  This book deal started to become a saga. It took on a life of its own and it was draining all of me right down to the core.

Four months before the book was due, I stopped my life and started writing my own damn memoir. I did nothing, I mean NOTHING but write this book. I cried and prayed my way through all the pain and drama of my life; Reliving it on paper was all consuming. I had a few readers helping me work through the grammar, cause yall, I cant spell a lick. But in the end I did it!  I finished the manuscript three days early.

But then the next level of drama began. My editor at Hyperion was a trip for real.  She and I fought over the revisions. That's tricky, ultimately it's my story, but the publishing house can walk away anytime they want if they feel you aren't giving them what they want. My editor told me things like, "I want it to read like a novel. Never leave the story." The problem was, you cant reflect if you never leave the story. But then she would tell me to "Reflect,"and when I did, she would turn around and she tell me to take it out. It was frustrating. Then it really became crazy. She told me one day to, "Embellish, Embellish, Embellish." She said, "For lack of a better explanation I want it to read like James Frey, just don't lie."

WTH? I mean it was already a tell all book. I told on myself and everybody else. What more did she want? There was so much  dick and pussy in the book, I couldn't image what more she wanted. And Yall know I came with it.

So after giving one year and four months of my life to making this book happen, Hyperion walked away from the book deal. I was devastated and embarrassed. Everyone on the planet knew I had book coming out. How could I face the shame of it all? And I really  was demoralized. Basically,  She said the book was to poorly written to move forward. HUH?  I think that's what revision's are for. WOW... I walked away from the book deal shattered. I can't write. WOW... I can't write rung in my head for months. That was one reason I was hesitant to start this blog. I had accepted someone's opinion of myself against everything knew was true because she was an "expert".

And so I've been sitting on my memoir for almost three years now. Praying and hoping that I get new writer to revise it so that we can try to sell it again. My agent has been clear, books that have been dropped by a publishing house have a taint to it. It's not impossible to resell, but it is hard.

So after sitting with my Soror Lynn Richardson yesterday, for an interview for Russell Simmions Global Grind, I was inspired to move forward. Yesterday's discussion with Lynn combined with all the support that I have gotten from my blog and all the continued request for the full story, I'm going to do it!  I wonder how many people can be blessed by my story, and here I am, sitting on it out of some grand ass idea of a book deal. I don't think God can be pleased with me is this one.  Jesus was born in a manger not the Ritz Carlton.  I have never been more clear. My life and all that I do is ministry and I should never forget it, no matter how it get to the people, just as long as it does.  I was lost, but now I am found!!

To hell with publishing houses and peoples opinion of my ability to write. I will begin revising my memoir;  It's my story and I can tell it anyway I want. I'm doing it my way this time around. So what I don't have a big publishing house, but I do plan to published my story. I've been waiting for almost three years on someone else to do for me way I can do for myself.

If people want to know the the full story they will buy the book no matter who publishes it. So I'm starting out on this venture. I have no idea how I will even pull the money together to self-publish, but the Bible say, if you take one step, he will take two.

My goal is to have my memoir Unprotected by World AIDS Day December 1, 2011, as we commemorate the 30th anniversary of AIDS. I'm excited! I hope that you are to! Keep me in your prayers. I'm going to move forward even in spite of my health.

If you are interested in purchasing my memoir  Unprotected please send me your email address to this link here rae@raelewisthornton.com

I'm doing it my way this time around!!!