Monday Reflection: God Don't Always Give Neat Blessings!

"Your Misery is your Ministry," the young man Elijah said from the pulpit on Sunday. I shot straight up! "You better say that," I shouted at him. Elijah, the speaker for our youth day at my church is a member who has been living with Sickle Cell Anemia. Diagnosed at 2 months old, he walked us through his journey.  He has been in and out of the hospitals his entire life, but he never gave up.

Might I add, neither did his mother or grandmother. That's why children must have some God fearing, God loving, faithful adults in their life. Half of the problem I think today in the African-American community is that we are now creating generations of unchurched. I remember when grandmama, at least was going to make sure that child was covered in the blood. Today, we have some unchurched grandmothers, with young girls having babies younger and younger.

Elijah was surrounded by Christians and introduced to God right early. It was this foundation that undergirded his journey.  There were times when he was hospitalized two-three weeks at a time, home for a couple of weeks and then back in the hospital for another two-three weeks. His junior year he was hospitalized up to six weeks and still maintained a 3.1 GPA. Shoot, I was hospitalized for twenty-three days a few years back and I thought that I had lost my mind, if I thought at all. Study? Are you kidding me, with nurses waking you up all hours of the night.

He talked about how his life has been filled with misery and while he continues to persevere, he came to a place where he questioned God, "Why me? Why can't I be a normal child with a normal life?"

In time, he came to realize that his misery was indeed a blessing to others. His testimony could, would and did bless another person. He encouraged us to keep our faith!

You talking about setting me straight, I got right straight with my attitude, which has been some kinda funky. might I add in the last month. He reminded us that God doesn't always bless us in a neat package. Sometimes we live with misery and out of our faithfulness, God blesses us in our misery. I knew that all along, but Elijah certainly reminded me to move beyond myself and continue to be a blessing even when I feel like a mess, even when I am a mess. The bible says, "God's strength is made perfect in your weakness." Clearly young Elijah reminded me of just that on yesterday. 

He's headed to Morehouse College in the fall. In fact, he was accepted on early admissions and this was his first choice. He certainly has the spirit and demeanor of a Morehouse Man! I thought about him long and hard when I came home from church yesterday. That's why I'm up at 5:00 am, I couldn't sleep with this freshness that was given to me by this young man. He reminded me that God's history in our lives should be reassurance for our future. When I tell you I needed to hear this, I needed to hear this.

On Saturday I was at a funeral of a long time member of West Point, 68 years she was a member of our church. I sat there and for a moment I started to think about death, my death. I started to think about the hard work I'm putting into RLT Collection trying to make it a super success. For a tiny moment I asked myself these questions, Is it in vain? Will I die right on the edge of success? Will I see 55 and how much hardship will I continue to have on this journey? How much more can I take?

Elijah brought me right back to myself on Sunday! It doesn't matter when I die or how hard it is in my right now. Life is a gift from God! God has given us a life to live and flourish and thrive, not just for ourselves but for the life of others. Your suffering may be a gift to someone's else journey. It may be the thing that gives them reason to live. Someone tweeted me once, "A friend of mind said, that if you can go on so could she." That hit me hard. People watch for my tweets, wait for me to say that the tea kettle is on. If I can find a reason to live and go on so can they. I've been told that on many occasions. Sometimes I get stuck.

Well, on yesterday, young Elijah inspired me and I got unstuck. If he can go on to Morehouse and then to medical school as planned, with Sickle Cell that keeps him in and out of the hospital, I can also continue to go on. I'm getting back to my life. Thank you Elijah! Thank you for reminding me to remember my History with God. Surely no matter how difficult my days have been in the pass, God continues to hold me up. Even in my misery there has been some goodness.

I leave you with this. We expect God to bless us in a neat little package. But that's not how it works. Remember the three Hebrew Boys? We always talk about how God delivered them from the fiery furnace. But no one talks about the fact they they were in captive down in Babylon. You can search the Old Testament all day long and you will never find that they were delivered out of bondage. 

The bible says that God lifted them up in their bondage and made them leaders in that strange land. I think it is so awesome that in your weakness God can shine the brightest. You may not get a neat blessing; but for sure, if you remain faithful, God will give you everything you need to make it through your fire and if you get burned, God will give you an ointment to sooth the pain.

Monday Reflection: God Will Make Room For Your Gifts...

I spent 9 months in my mothers womb, sucking on an umbilical cord that was laced in heroine. I came into this world prematurely and broken, but God had already crafted a plan for my life the moment my daddy's sperm met my mothers egg. I was born to heroine addicts, and that was the only role they had in my existence; providing the vehicle for my life. For sure God shaped this journey for me out of the make-up of my existence.

People always want to know how I did this or that. How did I get on the cover of magazines, or on Oprah and Nightline? And I've never been confused, this is not of my doing, but God's! I was simply obedient to the call, purpose and mission for my life and God did the rest.

God knows the end from the beginning. God knew that I would make the choices that I made based on what I knew and understood about life. What people fail to realize is that we are all shaped by own social location; meaning, ones journey and all that it encompasses, from who our mother is, to the neighborhood we grow up in. It's interesting, research shows that adult children of alcoholic's tend to be either underachievers or overachievers, both shaped by living with an alcoholic. For sure that has been my case. I'm an overachiever to the extreme.

Even my understanding of sex and love was shaped out of an abusive family. Sexually violated before I really understood what sex was. It shaped me and made me the woman that I am, for the good, the bad and the indifferent. HIV/AIDS was my destination based on my understanding of life and how I use the free will that God blesses each of us with.

So here I am, honest, transparent and candid with no filter. I say in my book, The Politics of Respectably, that I am a stray dog with a designer bow on her head. For Real..

But what's so wonderful about God is that God can, will and does use everything and everybody. The Bible says, "The Rejected Stone became the Corner Stone." This is my testimony, that God saw in me what no one else could see. My step-grandmother, the one who raised me from age 6, the one that I called Mama and depended on for food, shelter and love told me and I quote her, "You ain't never gonna be shit," but God made her words a lie unto herself that she couldn't face, not even at death.

Everyone won't see your life through the same lenses as God. They can only see them through their understanding of life. That is why my membership as an Honorary member of Delta Sigma Theta Sorority, Inc. was rescinded. They could only see me through the lenses of their understanding of womanhood. My tweets about how I felt I was being treated were deemed "vulgar" and that in and of itself made me no longer "acceptable" for their sisterhood. I find it interesting that they wanted the part of me that was on the cover of magazines as a renown AIDS Activist. One who could further their HIV/AIDS agenda when they were actively pursuing one. But I'm the same person, on the cover of magazines, with all the name recognition and work around HIV/AIDS that I was the day that I tweeted that I felt like Rose McKinney, the executive director of Delta was talking to me like a, "Bitch on the street," and if I had been another Honorary member like Ruby Dee, she would have had an entirely different tone.

Rev. Clay Evans

In my wholeness, you can not have one without the other. I found this dilemma also after I accepted my call to preach the Gospel. My father in ministry the Reverend Dr. Clay Evans got it. He didn't think twice that God had called me to ministry and he made sure that he licensed me and made himself clear to the entire church body! I was his daughter in ministry, the end!

I remember my interview with the Dean at McCormick Theological Seminary, she said to me, absolutely we would love to be the place that help you develop in ministry and they offered me a merit scholarship.

But by the time I graduated from seminary Rev. Evans had retired and my new Pastor at Fellowship M. B. Church wasn't sure about me. I can't speak for him, only what he said to me and how I interpreted it.

 Well, at first he said he would ordain me after I gradated from seminary. Then after 2 reschedules he told me that I wasn't ready. Other ministers had offered to ordain me from day one, but I had no reason to believe that my Pastor would not do what he said he would do. And honestly, out of my love and loyalty to Rev. Evans and Fellowship I stayed and tried to work it through. But after 4 years of what I deem bullshit, I left. I had it! I remember once, I was asked to speak at a church of one of my Pastor's friends and when he got word, he called me to discuss it and at the end of the conversation, he said, "Don't embarrass me up their." That spoke volumes and told me what he truly thought of my work. I shook it off. But over time, I couldn't allow myself to stay in a space that didn't see my value or worth.

So I left and went to Fourth Presbyterian Church. It was the perfect place for me to just sit still and wait on God to give me direction. No one knew me at this predominantly white church on the Gold Coast, so I knew that there would be no gossip about me leaving Fellowship. I was still trying to stay respectful.

After about two years at Fourth Church I knew I needed to be somewhere. God had called me to be a minister of the Gospel and I was sitting on the pew. Not a good look to God and a waste of ones gifts. But I had no idea how to begin this journey so I did noting. I was paralyzed. doubting myself and my call.  Where could I go and not get caught up in church politics? Especially because of the old boys club of ministers in the city of Chicago.  So I stayed stuck. While I continued to do my public ministry, I knew that  God wanted me to go higher. But just the thought of being demoralized again, just because I beat to a different drum  kept me on that Pew at Fourth.
Then about the fourth year, God said enough is a enough and God intervened. I love how God shows up and shows out.

One day I was headed to the post office to mail RLT Collection orders and when I turned the corner on Oak Street Pastor L Bernard Jakes was standing right there. We talked for almost 1:30 minutes, about everything. He had been seeing my Facebook post about my health, on and off IV med's. He had heard about Delta rescinding my membership, at the time, it was still a fresh wound and everyone was talking. He had heard that I wasn't at Fellowship anymore and we talked and talked and talked about it all. Standing on Oak Street he became my Pastor. He ministered to me right in front of Prada and I hadn't even joined West Point Missionary Baptist Church, had never stepped through the doors of West Point.

When I walked away I knew in my heart that Pastor. J was my Pastor and that I would be cleaved to him. It was God's perfect timing. A month later I found myself in crisis and reached out to him, a week later I joined West Point and started preparing for my Ordination Exam.

Yesterday, Rev. Dr. L Bernard Jakes ordained me as a minister in the Gospel. The ordination sermon was perched by, Rev. Dr. Reginald Wade Williams, the Pastor of First Baptist Church of University Park, IL. My GOD this man preached!

He preached to my spirit. It felt like he had peeked into my life and crafted that sermon just for me.

He said God calls you and your uniqueness to do a specific work. He went on to say that some people may not understand your call but don't give up, don't change, don't conform. When you conform to what people want you to be, they become your God! That thing hit me in the gut!

I have remain true to my gifts and the call on my life. God crafted this specific work, shaped out of my journey. It may not be how some see ministry, but like David, I cannot wear Saul's armour, I can only use my five stones and a sling shot to tackle the modern day Goliath's.

God can see in you what a man cannot see, what an organization cannot see  or even what your mother cannot see.

But be clear, for sure, God will not have you to operate blindly. In Gods time, you will have an organic understanding of your life and it's purpose.

The key to your success is obedience and perseverance. Keep pressing toward the mark of high calling that God has on your life. God will make room for your gifts. They may not be the doors you think you should go through, or the "popular," or even the ones you want to go through, but they will be the doors you are suppose to go through for the work that God has for you to do.

Often times we spend more time worrying  about what people think of us, rather than using our gifts for God's purpose. I have chosen to be obedient! I understand my gifts. My candor, transparency and honesty is a gift. My ability to use my life in a way that it enriches the life of others is a gift. My ability to meet people where they are at, not where I want them to be is a gift. My ability to unpack life's issues is a gift. I dare NOT squander my gifts to meet the approval of others.

God will reward you for walking boldly in your gifts. It has taken me 12 years since I was license as a minster, to the time I was ordained with all rights as a member of the clergy. I get it today. God's time is not our time. The best thing I did was to sit still. For sure my life was suppose to intersect with L. Bernard Jakes and the West Point Family. The day you join West Point, the entire congregation shouts out to you, "Welcome Home!" Now that was the truth to the tenth power.

Don't give up... Don't give in... Don't conform... Walk proudly in the gifts God has blessed you with and God will make room for your gifts.