Valentines Series: The End!

I've been blogging all week, and after sitting at my computer for hours trying to come up with something deep and profound to say on Valentine's Day, I actually drew a blank. Then it occurred to me that all I really want to say to you is, use a condom. No need to be extra in this last post in the series. I hope that I have given you lots to think about all week long and I hope that some of it will stay with you as you muddle through life and love.

The fact is, no matter how much I drill it home, you still have to make the decision to let self-love be your guide. This is what I know to be true, that we don't really know what another person has done or will do. All we can truly know is what we do and what we see.

We make a whole lot of assumptions about our partners don't we; what they would or would not do. Even what we think they are doing when they tell us what they are doing. The fact is, unless you have eyes everywhere, all you can hope for is the truth. That is, what they tell you is true.

Given this fact, this is what I know: If the penis ain't in your pocket you have no idea what it's doing when it ain't with you. What I know to be true, is that I have had sex with another woman's boyfriend, and even husband, while HIV infected. I have even lain in bed, while he talked to the wife and then resumed doing the do. Thank God that I found the strength to love myself.

What I know for sure is that you can only be accountable for your own body, and at the end of the day, your own life. We have taken the blame out of HIV as should be. No one deserves to get HIV; NO ONE!  But what I also know to be true, is each day we make choices about our bodies. The choice to have sex  and the choice to not have sex. The choice to have sex with a condom and the choice to have sex without a condom.

My prayer is that you will make the healthiest choice. Remember this, some things cannot be undone.  It is a fact, there is no sex worth your life. If you become infected we can treat you and you can live a long time, but understand this, HIV is a game charger and that's a fact.

At the end of the day, there is no sex worth your life! Use a Condom! The End!

PS... Happy Valetine's Day! My gift to you is 30% off RLT Collection until midnight tonight. The coupon code is Valentine SHOP HERE!

Damn Ladies You Have All The Control #FuckinFriday

Ladies, you have so much control, but often you give it up; You give it up because you don't want to be alone, lonely or without companionship. We give it up because we want to be loved. But having sex with a man will NOT guarantee love. The only thing it will guarantee is a fuck and maybe not even a good one. Furthermore, having sex without a condom sure won't earn you his heart forever, but it just might earn you a sexually transmitted disease that you will have to live with forever. Diseases such as, HIV, Herpes, HPV, Hepatitis.

So why is it that we continue to have sex without a condom? You, don't want to rock the boat? You don't want him to think that you think he is cheating? Well, the fact of the matter is, you don't really know if he's cheating. You think you know, but at the end of the day you just don't know.

You don't want him to think you may be stepping outside of the relationship? Well, if his mind is that small, then his penis should not be big enough for you. This is real talk here. If a man cannot respect the choices you make about your body and have respect that you want to keep yourself safe, then he is not worth your body.

This video has been floating around Facebook and I thought that I would share it with you. While it is super funny, it speaks volumes to the control that we have, but yet surrender each time we let a man penetrate us with out a condom... That's all I wanted to say... Wrap It Up! #FuckinFriday

And remember, every 10 minutes a person becomes infected with HIV in the United States. Don't let it be you!!!

A Woman's Vagina Should Not Be A Pawn...

I was speechless when I watched this video that one of my Twitter followers, Ann sent to me. As I was shaking my head, I had to look down at my PJ's and remind myself that I am a woman, with a vagina and HIV.

So this guy Mike Frey actually said a woman's vagina protects her from contracting HIV. This reminds me of the 1987 article in Cosmopolitan Magazine that said a, "Woman with a healthy vagina couldn't get HIV." That was 1987 when we didn't know that much about HIIV and they still got picketed by Act-Up.

This is 2013, thirty-two years into the AIDS Pandemic and HIV/AIDS has had some of the most ground breaking research in a short period of time. To think that someone actually believes this crap and would part their lips and say it. *Blank Stare* Not only was his information WRONG about woman, but it was also WRONG on the why same sex male's contract HIV.

The internet is buzzing with articles challenging his views on male same sex and HIV, but I've seen very little on what he said about women. I get it, Gay Activist are on their A game and I ain't mad. So my blog post is not on the same sex point  or same sex marriage that Mike Frey tried to make; I'm speaking for and about women. But just so you know, I do support civil unions of the same sex.

I so dislike when people USE HIV to spread hate. If you don't support same sex marriage then say it. But don't push some ill-informed, jack ass reason to support your position.

I practically dislike men using women's vagina's for their politics. When I was in undergrad I did a 30 page research paper looking at how men have used a woman's vagina to promote there political agenda, usually around birth control, but even around issues of race.

The problem with misinformation around HIV, for both Women and Men, could be the difference between life and death.

To tell women that they can't get HIV through heterosexual sex and to speak it with authority is just pure sinful and irresponsible..

So he claimed that female to male sex is safer because a woman has a, "Barrier of cellular tissue that doesn't allow the sperm... to penetrate the blood flow," but anal sex doesn't have this protection. With 34 million adults living with HIV world-wide and approximately half are women, I wonder what planet is Mike living on?

The fact of the matter, women are generally at greater risk of heterosexual transmission, meaning it's easier for a man to transmit to a women, then for a women to a man. According to the HIV/AIDS Charity Avert, "Biologically, women are twice as more likely to become infected with HIV through unprotected heterosexual intercourse than a man."

According to the U. S. Department of Health and Human Services Women are at greater risk for infection through heterosexual contact for the following reason:

• The vagina has a larger area (compared to the penis), that can be exposed to HIV-infected semen.
• Semen can stay in the vagina for days after sex, while men are only exposed to HIV-infected fluids during sex. Semen left in the vagina means a longer exposure to the virus for women.
• Having untreated sexually transmitted infections (STIs) makes it more likely for a person to get HIV. This is especially true for women. Small cuts on the skin of the vagina are hard to notice but may allow HIV to pass into a woman's body.

In the back drop of Woman and Girls HIV/AIDS Awareness Day on this pass Sunday, I am aware of the fact that we must educate our women and girls about their risk factors around HIV/AIDS.

While treatment is great, I believe that prevention is our best defense against this disease. We cannot save lives with half-truths and misinformation. I have no idea who Mike Frey is, but what I know for sure is this kind of misinformation coming out of his mouth is dangerous.  I was reading some of the comments people made on line at various articles on this topic and for sure, people cling to crazy out of the fear of the truth.

When a woman believes the truth that she is at risk for HIV, she has to then adjust her behavior to meet this new information. Half truths are easier to embrace sometimes. Who wants to believe that their boyfriend  or even husband, could put them at risk? Who wants to think about using condoms with that man who is your best thing since slice bread? The truth then becomes the barrier between what you hope for  in a relationship and what is the reality.

Condoms have become our enemy that is buried under the hope for a better truth; My Partner will keep me self, I am not at risk, I'm in a monogamous relationship, He loves me...

But when you pull the layers back, the most profound question you must ask yourself is, how much do I love me?

In 2013, we have come a lone way. But clearly Mike Frey has reminded us how far we still must go. We must challenge misinformation head on. The TRUTH is our sword in the fight against new infections, against stigma and shaming.

 A Man who cannot respect the truth about a Woman's vagina, should not be privileged to enter it.  And a Woman who loves the love of a man, over the love of her own vagina, is living in the world of Mike Frey.

A Woman's vagina should not be a pawn... Bottom Line.

Don't Take That Chance....

I know some of you are planning your weekend, yep! And I know sex is involved, so STOP lying! And I know that some of you are going to have sex without a condom, so STOP lying! And some of you are going to justify the sex with some bullshit, so STOP lying.

Yes, I said bullshit! Some of you don't know your partner's HIV status and you still having sex without a condom. I'm sitting here having my morning tea, thinking, what the HELL are you thinking? Like why are you putting yourself at risk? HUH? Like For Real... For Real... That's real blind faith. About 38% of newly diagnosed cases of HIV, are of people who were infected by people that didn't know their HIV status. 

And some of you think you know your partner's HIV status. Yep! They told you that they tested and it came back negative and you smiled and said, "GREAT" You believe their truth as it was presented to you and now you're thinking, "We can get that thang freely." And really that's all you cared about in the first place. 

And some of you even went and got tested with your partner. I bet you're proud of yourself. Well, actually, I'm proud of you to!! Basically because you loved YOURSELF enough to know your own HIV status. And you are grown enough to have the conversation with your partner. Neither of these are small things, so I commend you. I whole heartedly believe that if you can't have the conversation, before you fuck, then you shouldn't be fuckin. 

BUT ummm the fact of the matter, at the end of the day, all you know about your partner is what they tell you and what you see. I'm not going to make this long and drawn out. This is the bottom line; YOU JUST DON'T KNOW! You think you know. You pray you know, but at the end of the day, the only thing that you know for sure is two things, YOUR own HIV Status and what your partner tells you. It's a fact, when the penis is not with you, you have NO idea what it's doing!

I know, I know, I know, you are saying, " Gee give it a break Rae.  Is there ever a time when I can let my guards down?" And the  answer for single folks is NO! There was a time when I believed that a monogamous relationship as you know it should stand on it's own two feet of honor; but with years of experience, banking on someone else to keep you safe could be a deadly mistake. 

There's not a week that goes by that I don't get an email or message on Twitter or Facebook from someone that discovered that their partner has been outside of the relationship and now they have some sexually transmitted disease. And I've told you time and time again about the men who have approached me knowing my HIV status and they are otherwise committed. And I've even confessed that I've accept an offer here or there.  I know what it's like to be lonely and the foolishness we do to rid ourselves of that feeling. At some point you have got to Love yourself, more then wanting to be loved!

While I want to say yes, go ahead, take a chance, I just can't. A chance could leave you fighting for your life for the rest of your life.  Have fun this weekend, but don't take a chance. There's no sex worth your life.  #FuckinFriday

Stuck On Stupid!

HIV is Preventable!!! So why won't we use condoms to prevent it? Why are we stuck on stupid? I just don't get this. I was infected with HIV in an era where they were telling heterosexual  women that they couldn't get HIV. It was viewed as a gay male, IV drug user disease. But in the 21st century there shouldn't be a drop of confusion. Like For Real!!

So what is it? What is the barrier to using a barrier? Is it we don't like how the sex feels? Is the feel worth the risk? Do we trust our partner that much? Do you think it will never happen to you? Do you think if you ask your partner to use a condom they will think you are cheating, or think you think they are cheating? What is the deal?

I remember a young man, 18 years old reached out to me after he was diagnosed with HIV. He had heard me speak a year earlier. I had to ask, "What the hell were you thinking?" He said to me, "I trusted him." I'm sick of this, just plain sick of it! Trust what you know for sure!!!

Y'all kill me with this, talking all big and bad like you think you know your partner. You know what they tell you and what you see. Beyond that you don't know a damn thing.  I have blogged and blogged and blogged about my life. Telling you things that no one in their right mind would admit publicly just so you can get it and you still don't get it.

I done told you about men who cheated on me with other women. I done told you about married men texting me about hooking up and yes I told you recently that I fell in love with a married man. We lived together and  back then you couldn't pay me to believe that he wouldn't be here today. I thought that shit was forever. The love was, but our life together was just too complicated.

Stop banking on what you think you know.  Life is crazy and complicated. Nothing is a sure thing, not even tomorrow. It's some stupid shit to put your life in the hands of what you think, when you can place it in the comfort of certain. And don't go super crazy on me and say condoms aren't safe.

The fact of the matter, a latex condom used 100% of the time correctly prevents the spread of HIV and they rarely break. For as long as I've been having sex, I've had one condom break and that's because we were ummmm screwing on top of the ceiling so to speak. :)

Come on Yall!! Get UnStuck!! Nothing in life is for certain. I say often, I pray that what you THINK you know about your partner is true. I know for a fact, from both sides of the coin; when the penis ain't in your pocket, you have NO idea what it's doing.

What will it take for you to move beyond stupid? What will it take for you to stop looking at my life from the lens of interesting, but with no application to your own life?  Let me be clear, if I were in your shoes, not infected with HIV, a man couldn't look at my vagina without a condom.

And let me be extra clear, I'm not trying to be re-infected with HIV; a different strain that will take my ass out of here faster. Nor am I trying to get any other STD's, I have enough. So a man still can't look at my vagina without a condom.

If he doesn't want to put a condom on, then you put it on. Female condoms work too. But this is my bottom line. If he ain't willing to use a condom, then he might not be the person with your best interest at heart. There is NO sex worth your life. I need you to get this. I mean really get this!! Stop playing with your life!

Truvada: A Victory For Sure... But....

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The world is talking about the FDA's approval of Gilead's antiretroviral drug Truvada as a prevention medication against HIV. It is known as pre-exposure prophylaxis (PrEP)

Just a week before the International AIDS Conference opens  in Washington, DC AIDS organizations across the US is hailing this as a win in the fight against the spread of HIV. Even the AIDS Foundations of Chicago established a program over a year ago in support of PrEp called Mapping Pathways and also launched a website of videos and written PrEp testimonials My PrEp Experience.

So why am I luke warm? I just hate that I can't ever be a team player. That fact has kept me locked out of sponsorships for sure as well as, big invites to important AIDS events, but I have to call them as I see them. I just don't know how to be any other way. Now be clear I'm not cold, I'm just luke warm. Let me explain.

For sure Truvada is a wonderful medication. Gilead did that thang! As a one pill a day treatment for a-symptomatic persons with HIV it's a miracle pill. It works extremely well in slowing down disease progression and the fact that it's a once a day pill, makes compliance a piece of cake. Over the years the more pills that people with HIV have to take, the more difficult it has been to maintain that regime.

So this is the deal with Truvada as a pre-exposure prophylaxis. Studies in the US show, taken once a day along with condoms and counseling among gay, bisexual and transgender reduces transmission by 42% over counseling and condoms alone. The gay community has long urged approval of Truvada as a way to help reduce this important health issue in the gay community. Click Here

Studies are inconclusive among women and the heterosexual community for the use of Truvada as an HIV prophylaxis. Here's the FDA News Brief.

Don't get me wrong, I think there is some value in Truvada PrEp. I don't want the gay community to say I'm gay bashing. If they think it's one good route of many to prevention in their community then great. But there are a lot of unanswered questions and yes Gilead is trying to put in the necessary follow-up but the fact still remains that there is still a 58% chance that a person will become infected for not complying while taking Truvada.

Given this fact, we have to consider, drug resistance that occurs in newly infected persons while on Truvada and what that does to increase drug resistant HIV. I believe drug resistant HIV is your worst fate, because it limits what will help your strain of HIV.

Then there is the issue that no one really talks about. The long term impact of taking these toxic drugs. Understand something, persons will be taking this toxic medication daily. My doctor who has been treating  and doing research on women and HIV since the early days have had conversations with me, about the lack of knowledge of what these medications have done to the body for old timers like me and I've been taking HIV medication for over 20 years. We wonder if all the GI issues I'm having now are somehow related to long term use of those medications. No one has really studied the long term use and with approval of HIV medications at a faster rate than other medications, only time will tell.  It really does become a watch and see.

Also, does PrEp give people a blank check to have sex without a condom? We have to be honest about past behaviors in the gay community that led to the spread of HIV in the early 80's and 90's. Even in the 21st century with everything we know and understand about HIV, there has been a sub-culture in the gay community where bareback parties have flourished. Still today men who have sex with men are the largest group of new infections in the US. Ironically this is the same argument for the approval of Truvada.  So it's a two edged sword.

 If condom studies consistently show when used correctly it will prevent the spread of HIV, then why isn't that the focus? The fact of the matter is people don't use them. Will this be a ticket to never use them? Will it make it easier to rationalize not using them?

And what then do we do about other sexually transmitted diseases such as HPV and Hepatitis which has also been an issue among men who have sex with men. We will see a spike in these STD's without condom use. If we don't change the mind set, how are we going to change behavior?

I know in my own life, I've had men willing to have sex with me without a condom because they know the transmission is lower female to male. And now with the recent advancements of treatment i.e., it's a 2% chance that I will infect someone if I'm on my medication and my viral load is non-detectable, it  has helped to foster the mentality that condom use is not necessary . The fact of the matter is, shit happens. The question is how much shit will happen on our watch? My policy, no condom, no sex.

While I see value in Truvada PrEp, especially among sex workers, and women in developing countries, there are too many unanswered questions for general use.

Another thing, do we provide HIV medication to HIV negative persons when those who are living with the disease don't have access?  At a price tag of $1000 a month ,who then has access? Will poor black gay men have the same access? Does this become a prevention method for the wealthy? There are a lot of moral questions involved in this topic for sure.

 I get it, the AIDS community, especially those on the front lines in the gay community want to decrease new infections by any means necessary, but sometimes, any means comes back to bite us in the ass. There are consequences for everything we do in life. I cannot image that Truvada used as PrEp won't have them. The question is the weight and which way the scale leans in the end. Would the damage done be worth the damage prevented?

I don't have the answers, but I'm not confused, these questions must be asked. I have too many people Tweeting me daily about these issues. God forbid that they misunderstand one of these articles praising PrEp. We have a hard time already trying to convince people that people like me and Magic Johnson with HIV that look healthy with a non detectable viral load still have HIV.

There is NO cure, only treatment. The best prevention is NO sex and No sharing of needles but in this world these will never be a real solution. Our next best is condom use and needle exchange programs. If we can give intensive education on Truvada and the importance of compliance, then why isn't this the same for condom use?

I wonder, if those on Truvada in the study who complied were going to comply anyway, i.e., use a condom whether with Truvada or without?  So then does Truvada become a back up for shit happens, just in case the condom breaks? Does Truvada become your back up to fuck when and where and with who you chose? If so, then we are only going back from where we came, just a different  route.

Grandmama use to say, "Ain't a damn thing free. In the end we pay for everything we get." There is no quick fix to HIV prevention. The best case is to go get tested, know your HIV status, know your partners HIV status and use a fucking condom.

I am neither a doctor nor a scientist, and I know some could probably take me to task on my position.  I also know my opinion will not be popular. But I've come to terms with the fact that I'm a maverick. Truvada  is NOT a quick fix, it is only one more thing to add to the prevention strategy, but be clear, this will not come without its own set of problems. I may be dead and gone when the ramifications are made clear. It will take time. Just like it took HIV to spread, but when it did it was like wildflowers.

I Remember The Lovin...

Good Lawd I remember Lovin that man! By Lovin I mean having mind blowing sex that kept his tail coming back for more and more. Now don't get Love and Lovin confused because they are two totally different things, that may or may not have anything to do with each other, depending on who you are talking to.

Truth be told, you don't have to love a man to give and get some good Lovin and you can be in Love and the Lovin is well just ok, so you thank God for the Love to keep you going.  But when the Lovin is as good as the Love, OMG you have struck gold.

Yep, I remember Ummm every single one of them. Lovin them that is. Now I'm not going to pretend that I'm a virgin; Noooooo, that would be a bald face lie. I'm not even going to pretend that I've only had sex with ummm one, two or three of them. That would be a bald face lie too. I mean, I am a product of the eighties. Good Lawd, I remember the eighties! All I had to worry about was getting pregnant and embarrassing my mama, or so I thought.

Now I wasn't a hoe. Well, what's a hoe anyway? By the standards of the eighties, it was a girl who had one night stands, sex on the first date, and had sex with more than one man in one week, shit, we even extended that to more than one in a month. Funny how a woman who have more than one sexual partner in a month is a hoe and a man is a player, player, but that's another topic

Yep, I remember every one of them. Looking back, I also remember that I thought the sex I was having was love and the better I was in sexin him the more he would Love me.  Good Lawd, I thought if I could suck a man's dick until he plead mercy, he was mine forever.  STOP! I can't believe I said that, but it's the God living truth.

 Let me pause and say, after I typed that last sentence, I almost went back and took it out for fear of being judged. But shoot, it's the truth and it don't really matter, because people gonna find one thing or the other to judge you on. So I'm not going to be silent because you can't handle the truth.

Anyway, Yes I was one messed up, confused, looking for someone to love me forever black woman.  It took years for me to learn that a fuck is a fuck, is a fuck, is a fuck! No matter how you try to make it look or sound pretty, it's still a fuck. And just because a man can make your body talk don't mean that he Loves you, nor does your fancy tricks guarantee that he will Love you back.  Shoot, it don't even mean he will treat you with respect.

Now, it would be a wonderful thing if I could say I only had sex with men I Loved, but truth is, I had sex with men that I Loved and I had sex with men that I wanted to Love me. Yep, if we are honest about it, sex comes long before the Love. Yep the sex typically starts at the deep like stage and the, I want him to like me more stage. Some times you think the sex will bring you closer, make the relationship deep.  Wrong! If you can't get close without fuckin, you can't get close fuckin.

Yep, I remember the men I had sex with thinking that the relationship was getting serious to discover he was the biggest asshole on the planet. Yep, I remember the men I had sex with that I wanted to Love me to later discover that his brand of Love hurt. I remember the one twice my age that I thought would marry me, but instead wasted my pretty, as I waited for him to pop the question. I remember the young buck, good Lawd do I remember him. Hoping that he would Love me as much as he Loved the Lovin between my legs, but he never did. I remember the one that I prayed would leave his wife for me, but after he did, he went back. Yep, I remember, I remember, I remember, I remember.

I remember the Lovin, but I can't remember Loving me more than Loving the Lovin.  Nor can I recall the difference between the two. Somehow, the Lovin seemed to make life all better, well at least for that moment in time; But in the end, after the dust settled, I would  simply have a wet pussy and an emptiness deep within.

 If truth be told, if I Loved me instead of the Lovin, I would have passed on anything that didn't lift me, renew me and celebrate me. But sadly, I was way too damaged by the time I reached 16 to even know what love was and it took almost a half century to learn. Then, it took equally as much time to learn the difference between Love and Lovin.

It took more years  than I want to admit of Mr. Wrong's, to stop looking for Mr. Right to love me. But good Lawd, when I stopped looking for love in places outside of myself, it freed me up to look for the love from within.  It put me in a position to lift, renew and celebrate the woman God created me to be.

Love of self has placed me in a position to say no to anything a man has to offer that isn't the best for me. Now don't get me wrong, I will never stop Lovin the Lovin, it's just now, I Love me more than I Love the Lovin.

Looking back, the most difficult part is accepting the part of me that was hurt, mistreated, abused  and lost by the lack of self-love.  You can never undo the damage, only move forward. Case in point; A couple of weeks ago,  I went to the doctor for a biopsy in the opening of my vagina.

When the doctor stuck that needle in my vagina to numb it up, all the Lovin flashed across my face and sunk right down to my heart.  Later that evening, as I crawled into my bed and stayed for a couple of days, I thought about what I knew then and how it shaped my right now.  If I knew then, what I know now, my life would be different today. But if I could'a, would'a, should'a means nothing in the real world.  The fact is, I didn't know any better, nor did I have one person to tell me differently.  I knew what I knew and I believed it to be true. In time, years of mistakes undergirded by self-abuse, I learned a different way and then it took even more years to do the better that I knew.

I say self-abuse, because, I made choices about my life. I chose to have sex, I chose to love him, I chose, I chose, I chose, I chose.  Context does not matter, at the end of the day, I made decisions based on what I knew and understood to be true.

The bottom line is, we make decisions about our life and body every single day, taking ownership for the good and the bad will help one grow to be a better you. When you take ownership, undergirded by an honest understanding about the path you have taken you can be a better you. And even if you choose not to be a better you, you will at least know the difference.

Yep, I remember the Lovin and the impact it has had on my life. I remember looking for someone to Love me forever and learning their Love or lack of Love for me had nothing to do with the Lovin.

I remember that a good fuck got me HIV and Herpes and long after the Lovin was gone, I was left fighting for my life, for the rest of my life.

It didn't matter that I never had a one night stand. It didn't matter that I didn't have sex on the first date. It didn't matter that I had sex with men I Loved and men I thought would Love me, but in the end didn't. It don't even matter that I never had sex with more than one man in one month.  I can't undo what's been done.  I can only move forward being the best that I can with the information that I now know.

I thank God as I approach 50 years of age, that I have learned to Love me more than the Lovin. Nor am I looking for someone to Love me any longer.  I understand that Self-Love is the beginning of all things wonderful.  I understand that validation comes from within and there is NO Lovin on the planet worth the Love of self.

Monday Reflection: Living With AIDS In My Own Voice!

Each day I sit at my computer trying to give you what I think God has given to me to give to you and it flows like a river. But then some days I sit at my computer with nothing to say and from
no where it hits me. There are even times when I start writing about one thing and it ends up being another. I never try to force it, I just write what God has put on my heart.

Today is one of those days when I stared at the computer for a few hours. It seems that each direction I go, I got lost. About two hours ago, I said to myself. I'm going to post my interview with veteran political reporter and former editor and chief of Emerge Magazine, George Curry, and be done with it; That seemed like an easy way out.  But then I never take the easy path do I?

 But is seemed no matter how hard I tried to give you some inspiration by pen or should I say keyboard, the interview with George continues to come flat center stage to my mind..

So today, maybe I say it  in a different way. Maybe there is something that you need to hear in my voice #ForReal

This was a five hour interview for the best of what I had to say. Gerorge shaped  the two part interview to give a full understanding of what my life is like living with AIDS... I hope that it is helpful in some way.. I hope that it even helps you to understand my life in someway...


Living With AIDS Part One!




Living With AIDS Part Two!

Fat Meat Is Greasy!

I've said it more than once: If the penis ain't in your pocket, you have no idea what it's doing when it ain't with you. But many of you don't believe that Fat Meat is Greasy. Nope, you're so sure that your man/woman would NEVER step outside your relationship that you think condoms are an insult to the love that you share.

I tweet every Monday: I know that some of you had unprotected sex over the weekend and I hope and pray that what you thought you knew about your partner is true. Otherwise, literally, you were a fuckin fool.

And I know that some of you just shrug me off, "There she goes again." I know some of you love and support me and think my ministry is awesome, but still it has not translated into a change of behavior. Some of you think I'm helping the "other people" on Twitter /Facebook etc... and you see yourself as my support team. I know it because I understand human nature and because discernment is a gift I've had since I was a little girl. I'm connected to everything that intersects with me.

I keep preaching the same shit over and over again but you really don't think Fat Meat is Greasy. You really think that there is something about your love and relationship that exempts you, but in truth, the only love that will keep you safe is self-love. And don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that some of you don't have wonderful relationships, but at the end of the day, you don't really know if yours is the good one. You hope and pray, but only time will tell you the real truth. My prayer and hope for you is that time is not missed with tragedy.

I'm not gonna beat a dead horse this Fuckin Friday. I'm just gonna share with you some text messages I got yesterday from a former lover. I'm gonna give you some details, but I am not going to disclose his identity, that's not fair. I just want to paint the picture. This guy is younger than me, between 8-10 years, extremely successful, six-figure income, very well dressed, Gucci shoes and wonderful Italian suits, fine as hell, a leader in his community and married with a young child.

He was one of those "private" relationships that I had. (I've blogged about it over and over.) Being younger than me, he was always looking for his wife. He found her at the time we were seeing each other and for a while, we were in a triangle. But months before he asked her to marry him, I walked away cold. I had to do it for all of us because he never was going do it.

Over the years he has reached out, but I have stood my ground. Yesterday he texted me yet again.

Him: You forget about me?


Me: No, I didn't forget.


Him: Miss seeing you.


Me: Awww do you?


Him: You forget how much chemistry we had?


Me: I could never forget that.


****Some business texting in the middle****


Him: Now what about the other stuff :) ?


Me: You still gotta wife?


Him: Yes nigga.


Me: Well at this junction in my life, I'm practicing what I preach. Can't be talking to women about living healthy and I'm fuckin you. Believe me I do miss you!!


Him: Ha :) You were talking that before. We never had our one for the road.


Me: I guess I've grown... But I do miss you.


Him: Okay Babe. Fair, I hope you are well.

Fat Meat is Fuckin Greasy! I have HIV and herpes, he knows... He is "happily married" and he still wanta fuck! I crawled out of my sick bed today to tell you to --- Use a Fuckin Condom! Stop fuckin like your pussy and dick is made of gold and it's all that he/she will ever want! Self-Love is the Only Love that Will Keep You Safe!

I Agree: We Are Not A Fuckin Scorpion!

Maria Mejia

The other day, I saw a tweet from Sassy Maria, as I call her. She's another woman living with HIV and doing her part in this fight. I clicked the link because the title of her blog post caught my attention. "I am not a scorpion." Damn straight she ain't! I mumbled, "She's a cuttie pie." I wanted to know what the hell she was talking about. Wanted to know who I had to fight on her behalf. On Twitter we have created a little family and we all stick together. #teamHIVAIDS.

When I saw the reason of her distress I was in disbelief. I sat there trying to process what I was seeing. I read her blog post and I liked what she had to say so I asked if I could share it with my readers. Click here to read her blog. I'm sharing her views because I am not alone in this. There is a community of women living with AIDS, doing our part, and fighting to maintain our dignity in the face of stigma.

I had to give this AIDS awareness campaign in France a lot of thought. Like Maria, I understood the point. But I wondered if it did more harm than good. I started to think about all the implications in these ads. Then I Googled the other picture she had mentioned. People with AIDS being compared to Hitler? HUH? The scorpion was one thing, but Hitler? Damn!

They going hard. For Real... And don't get me wrong, I understand going hard. Remember I posted this picture with the man in a suit and his penis hanging out.

And yes, I'm the person who created #FuckinFriday on Twitter and I tweet about people fucking on Fridays without thinking. So while people are making there plans to have sex on Fridays, I remind them to take there fuckin ass to the drug store and get some fuckin condoms so they don't become a fuckin fool. Yep, I actually tweet about that all day on Fridays. So I understand about getting people's attention. I understand hitting as hard as you can with the hope that you have an impact. And I've never been one to sugarcoat a thing.

But there was something about this ad campaign that didn't sit well with me. It left a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. It seemed to overstep a boundary. The difference is in my methodology, i.e., how I approach my activism and this campaign; they name call and provoke fear and hatred.

I mean, come on! When you see a scorpion you immediately think of death. And maybe that was their point. But the fact of the matter, like Maria, I'm not a fucking scorpion. I'm a loving, fabulous woman that God made in His image. Yes, having unprotected sex with a person with HIV will probably get you HIV. But that is one side of the coin, on the other side, having protected sex, i.e., sex with a latex condom, will protect you from HIV.

The most disturbing part of this ad is that they compared people living with HIV with an image that is repulsive, that everyone connects with death. But just so you know there are 1752 species of scorpions and only 25 have venom that will kill you. So even this ad is rooted in misinformation on one level.

But then you take the Hitler picture. Make no mistake, there is no good quality that I can muster up on his behalf. So I take great offense to being compared to a man who deliberately set out to kill a few races of people, as well as cultures. It is especially disturbing to suggest that I am a murderer when statistics show that the majority of people who have HIV go to great lengths to protect their partner. To suggest that I am a killing machine is way over the line and it feeds into the stigma that already clouds the real issues around HIV/AIDS.

Yes, in 2011, 30 years into the AIDS pandemic, there is still a cloud of stigma that feeds into fear of people with HIV/AIDS and creates a fear of disclosure and shame by people living with HIV.

Case in point, the woman who emailed me that her mother will not go into the HIV clinic with her. The young man who's afraid to tell his family he has HIV and has been living in secret now for three months. And, the host of people on Twitter #teamHIVAIDS, who live in secret with their status for fear of judgment and rejection. Yes, even I lived with this fear for almost 8 years. I understand it well. And remember my most recent blog post on herpes, where I talk about the shame of having both HIV and herpes.

It is campaigns such as these that not only make us feel bad about ourselves, but they also continue to feed into an unjust hysteria about the type of people who actually have HIV. This ad is not just calling HIV ugly, it's making the inference that people with HIV are like the images in these pictures.

So how can you, society, ever like me when I'm compared to Hilter? How will you ever get to know me if you have already pre-judged me? Will I ever make it to your home if you already think a certain way about me and other people living with HIV? If everything you've been told about me directly or indirectly is heartless, nasty and mean, how will you ever really come to know and most importantly, support me? This campaign isolates people with HIV/AIDS.

I remember the days when family members wouldn't let HIV infected family members eat out of their plates or use there glasses. And still today, I get whispers of stories just like this. I think ads like these continue to perpetuate the "ugliness" that has been the root of HIV hysteria and hate.

I overheard a conversation with a woman and a doctor at the clinic on Tuesday. She hadn't been to the clinic in two years, mostly out of shame. And she does have an OB/GYN doctor at another clinic, but she is too ashamed to tell her that she has HIV. So shame has prevented her from getting the proper treatment and care to prolong her life. And ads like this only reinforce shame around our HIV status.

And then let's take it a step further. I can just imagine someone looking at these images and saying, "I would never have sex with someone like that." Yes, I'm saying that these pictures reinforce the idea that the only "certain types" of people actually have HIV. And at the end of the day, most people will think that they could never in a thousand years have sex with a person like "that."

Yes, I submit that images like this continue to reinforce that people with HIV are "ugly." The fact is, HIV is ugly, not the people with HIV! Another fact, you may not be able to spot that "ugly" in a crowd, which gives you a false sense of security because with images like this you actually think somewhere in the back of your mind that you will know if a person is infected with HIV. Big mistake!

The fact of the matter is, HIV has no particular face. It's all of us. Me, Maria, and you. And the last time I checked, Maria and I both believe that we are fabulous women! Nothing ugly about us on the inside or out. And I certainly hope that you feel the same way about yourself.

This campaign might have been well intended, but for me, it only created more stigma and shame around HIV/AIDS. I know if it had been in the United States, AIDS activists would have forced that campaign down. #ForReal. There is a part of me that wonders how Europeans with HIV feel about being compared to Hilter and who on God's earth would think it was ok? What the HELL were they thinking?

The other major point is this, yes, HIV is a dangerous disease that will alter your life forever, and yes, it could even kill you. But it's everywhere and only a change in behavior can protect you, not some misguided judgement about what type of person would have HIV.

 HIV is not a "boogie man" that's gonna get you. HIV is all of us and when you buy into the stereotypes of who would have HIV, you put yourself at risk. So I will say it again, wrap it up! You cannot look at a person and tell.

I mean come on! When you look at the pictures of Maria and me, don't you say "Damn! They fine!" Stop lying, you know you do, whether we are your "type" or not we got a little something going on. And that's the point. You may not know who is infected. In fact, 38% of all newly infected people with HIV are infected by people who didn't even know their HIV status.

So I say it yet again, when you fuck without a condom you are a fuckin fool. There is no sex worth your life. Stop fuckin without thinking. And equally as important, stop buying into the stereotypes about people with HIV/AIDS. All it does is help to create more stigma and shame for people living with HIV, and at the same time gives you a false sense of security.

Stop Being a Part of the Problem

My heart is so heavy this morning. For Real. It's been months since I've woken up in the morning and actually felt good. And on top of that, I can count on both hands the number of balanced meals I've had in months because my GI system is off. The doctors are saying my brain is not telling my stomach what to do and that is causing havoc. Nonstop nausea, no appetite, sporadic diarrhea, and no matter how much I eat, there's an overwhelming feeling of fullness. But in my hardship, I'm not so self-centered that my heart can't be heavy for something/someone other than myself.

So this morning when I saw a tweet about 90 girls pregnant at one high school in Memphis, I surely thought it was a joke. I went searching and found that it was true. I'm absolutely heartbroken to hear this, but I'm equally heartbroken about a culture that makes this acceptable. A double standard in our lives that celebrates unacceptable behavior on the one hand and curse it on the other. We have helped to create this culture where teen girls believe unprotected sex is acceptable and having a baby is a prize of some sort. A culture that says the dangers of unprotected sex are minimum.

I'm gonna start at the top of the food chain. There's a denial in the Black community that HIV is a problem. We continually say that the statistics must be wrong. The other night, Anderson Cooper had a program about AIDS in the African-American community, and the tweets I saw, even from AIDS activists, disturbed me. Tweet's that said, "Stop making AIDS seem like it's a "Black" problem, other people are infected with HIV also." Well hello, African-Americans are 46% of the HIV cases and 45% of all new cases in the United States, and we are only 12% of the population. I don't know about you, but I consider that a Black issue.

It seems that we are stuck on stupid. I even hear people saying amongst ourselves that the "white man" is just making us look bad, that the statics are not true. With this continued denial we send a subliminal message that we are not at risk. Which on the one hand makes it acceptable for woman, both young and old alike, to have unprotected sex. What's the worst that could happen? Get pregnant, no big deal.

But the fact of the matter, in Memphis, Shelby County, 80% of all HIV cases are African-American. So it stands to reason that each time a young lady lies down she is putting herself at risk for HIV and a host of other sexually transmitted diseases; birds of a feather tend to flock together, including STD's. It would be a shame for a young girl to be told all at the same time that she is pregnant and that she also has HIV. Her life will never be the same. She becomes an instant adult, not only a child raising a child, but a child who will have to start fighting for her life for the rest of her life.

But this double standard is not just in the African-American community. It's a part of the larger society. This culture that says anyone can be famous. No need to work for it. Get  pregnant and you can be on a reality TV show with all the fame and perks. There is not just one reality show, but two. 16 and Pregnant and Teen Mom. Girls are getting pregnant just for a chance at reality show fame. And teen pregnancy is not just occuring among African-American girls. A group of girls in Gloucester, MA, made a pact to get pregnant and raise their children together.

If we are going to change this tide we all must become a part of the solution and stop being a part of the problem. We must challenge abstinence only programs in schools across this country. We must give young people all the information so they can make smart decisions. Even churches need to stop threatening teens with sin and God's wrath. God is a loving God and wants us to live whole and healthy, but how can they live whole with only some of the information. How can young people respect and trust you when Pastors are being accused of sexual abuse of young men and other Pastors and church leaders across the country are silent.

How can our young teens respect your advice when you are still lying about how Uncle John and Aunt Mary died. When no one in the family has mentioned the word AIDS at a family gathering but are whispering about it in the corners of our homes. And when are mothers and fathers gonna take a real leadership role in our families and sit with our teenagers and give them honest information about sex.

Change must take place at the top of the food chain. We must all become a part of the solution and stop being a part of the problem. Just the other day someone asked me if I had to use profanity on my blog post to make a point. It was one of my Fuckin Friday blogs. You damn straight. If cussing is needed to get the point across then that's what I do. I will never be so damn self-righteous that it interferes with my desire to help bring positive change. My sex blogs get more visits and retweets on Twitter than any other post. That means young people are getting my message and sharing it.

Let's move beyond our hypocrisy, self-righteousness and denial so that we do not lose a generation of our young people. We must all become a part of the solution and stop being a part of the problem.