Not what I wanted to do... What I had to do

I get asked often, "What made me want to talk about my life?" The truth of the matter is that you couldn't  have paid me to believe that this would be my life. If Jesus had come down from heaven and showed me this future, I would've said, "For Real? For Real?" After living with HIV in secret for seven years, this was not my first choice. Actually, it wasn't my choice at all.  It was something I had to do, in spite of what I wanted to do. The first time I was asked to speak, it was for Bowen High School in Chicago. I told Ms. Johnson flat out "NO!"  but she was not taking no for an answer.

 I remember that first day at Bowen like it was yesterday. I didn't consider myself a public speaker. Yes, I was active in politics but I was a behind the scenes organizer. So that day I was a nervous wreck. But it went smoother than I thought it would. I spoke to the first group of students, the bell rang and another group came in. The students seemed to like me and they had a lot of questions, especially about my dating life. So I figured that if  being honest meant that they wouldn't end up with HIV, then what the heck. I thought it was going really well and then, about the third workshop, I noticed that some students hadn't left the room. They were hanging around between sessions and took a seat when I started speaking again. I thought that was odd so I asked Ms. Johnson why they were making students stay. She looked me in the face and said, "Child, these kids are skipping class to here you speak." HUH???

I went home and thought about it.  I couldn't imagine that what I was saying was so important that students would ditch class to hear. The next day when I walked in the room, students were lined against the walls and sitting in the aisles. Those who had come the day before just flat out skipped calss to hear me again. It was incredibly overwhelming. At the end of the day, a young girl came up to me and said, "Ms. Lewis, I know you said you weren't a public speaker, but you shouldn't stop because the Lord is using you." Y'all know I hugged that baby and said, "Thank you." But under my breath, I said, "Now what the heck she know about the Lord using somebody." And went on about my way. But I couldn't shake it. I thought about those kids day and night. I just couldn't shake it!

And one morning two weeks later, it hit me like a ton of bricks: This is what God wants from me. That day I quit my well-paying job working on a mayoral campaign with no other speaking engagements arranged and no brochure. And the rest is history!

Recently, I asked on  my Facebook  fan page,  "When was the first time you heard me speak?"  Here are some of the uncut and uncensored responses:

Angela Gatherings: I must say I prayed & and  I cried the same night after you spoke at Hyde Park when I was a freshmen. And yes I'm in my 30's and I still remember your spirit and I've taken that with me all over the world. Thank you for stepping out on faith. You're a very powerful woman.
Stay beautiful and blessed!

 Yameka Holmes:  I remember the first time I heard you speak. I was a student at Prosser High School in Chicago. I remember you walking onto the stage and how some of the guys were whistling at you and you asked them how many of them would have sex with you. All of a sudden, when you told everyone you have AIDS, the room just went silent. It was surely a wake up call.

 Tamara Linton: First let me say that you are an inspiration to so many. You have given people a different perspective on AIDS. I remember when you came to Hyde Park to do a workshop for the students, you blew our minds. You also gave us a serious wake up call. You told us what your life was like as a child, what your life was like then, and through your blog we witness your life now. Then you stated that by the time the Class of 1997 graduated, you would be very sick or dead. Look how far you've come. I actually wrote a story about you for our high school newspaper which I still have. You are one of those people that stand out. Thank you for being courageous enough to tell your story, informing people about AIDS, and for being you!



  

Latahsa Jackson: I remember I was in high school this was about 15yrs ago. I went to Hyde Park Career Academy in Chicago. I remember u askin the fellas how many of them would have sex with you and every guy in there raised their hand then u said u were HIV positive and silence filled the room. To see such a beautiful person have what we all believe cant happen to ... was an eye open. Hearing u speak made me become more cautious and responsible for the decisions I make in life. Thank you for the information and education you continue to do.

Selina Rodgers:  It was my freshmen year of high school a Simeon 95'...it is kind of ironic because my niece attends there now. Anyway, I remember the room having a certain air about it when you first came in and how you kept us all at the edge of our seats with your powerful voice and the message that we would soon learn to understand. You gave us the reality of being in this world and making the right decisions so that we could become any thing that we decided to be without any limitations. 

Ryen Holm-Jeffries: u r an amazing woman when u spoke at Seton Academy (c/o 99) u took my my thought process 2 a whole other level. Thank u! U will stay in my prayers!

 Keyauna Franklin: I remember as well. It was My Freshman year at Hyde Park. I am now 30! And to this Day I Never forgot You! I can Honestly say that you had an affect on Myself and My Friends. You are Truly an Inspiration and Proof that God has the Last Say! May you continue to Inspire and Live a Long Wonderful Life!

 Jermella Ruther:  I remember hearing you speak for the first time at Lawrence Hall. I left that speech with a new outlook on HIV/AIDS. Than I had the pleasure of hearing you speak at Senn high school. Oh my god, my friends were so touched that I even knew someone so special like you. I continue to follow you after all years. Wow is all I can say.....I remember when you walked in to that room at Lawrence Hall and all the guys were checking you and joking how fine you are. Than they heard you speak and all they could do is sit there with their mouth open. I remember you saying "By the time your freshman class graduated, I will be... dead or to frail to take care of my self." Here we are 2010 and you still doing God's work. I am so happy to know someone so special and humble like you....all I have to say is Thanks.
Love always
Jermella


Crystal D. Jackson:  The first time for me was at the Youth National Convention in Chicago. It had to be around 95-96. You talked about not being able to run the campaign for Jesse Jackson. There was a brother in the audience who just wasn't getting it. He talked about how he wasn't motivated and how he didn't know how your discussion applied to him. You simply ... See Moresaid, "I hope you will never have to stand in my shoes to 'get it'". I remember "getting it." This talked changed the way I viewed my close family members with AIDS and empowered me to make choices regarding my sexuality.

 Katalina Pool: I met you about 12 years ago with dr. hryram at hyde park academy in Chicago while in our aids peer education group! and i swear you were so inspirational. No I dont have aids but to hear your story was so live changing. No lie I was just wondering right before i found your page were u still living and how were u doing. Stay prayful and God will truly keep you in his grace as he has all these years.

Hallelujah Anyhow!

I don't hate much but it's safe to say I HATE it when people start their conversation with me, "The Lord told me to tell you." Call it what you want: arrogance, Christian elitism, whatever! But this strong feeling of dislike became worse after I went public with AIDS. Everybody had the solution to my problem. Often they’d start the sentence with, "You know the Lord can heal you of AIDS."


Many times they'd come rushing up to me after I finished speaking with their revelation. I’d stand there graciously, but what I really wanted to do was scream at the top of my lungs.


I know, I know. I sound like one ungrateful woman. I do understand that they are only trying to help ease my pain. But curing me? Gee, thanks. Don't judge me first, just try living in my shoes and see how YOU WOULD FEEL. In the early days of my ministry, I became really frustrated with people telling me what God could do for me, like they knew this for sure. I read the same Bible. And now, having gone to seminary and earned a Master of Divinity Degree, I detest it even more. I mean, why do you think that I don’t already know about faith? My life is an example of faith, don't you think?

But in those earlier days of my popularity, so many people approached me about being healed that I started to wonder, “Had I missed something in my Christian walk?” Just the thought of it bothered me. With all the experts I had encountered on my miracle, I thought that maybe I was doing something wrong. So like with most things, I took my concern straight to the source. I started to have long conversations with God about it all. It went something like this:

“Hello God, these people say that you can heal me of AIDS. So, what do I have to do to get this particular miracle? I mean, they keep quoting the scripture, “Ask and you shall receive.” (Mat 7:7) I asked, but I still have AIDS. Do I need pray a certain way, or at a certain time, maybe like Hannah at the altar?” (1 Sam 1-20) No joke, sometimes you just have to lay it out to God, and I did.

It was all so maddening. I know that there are miracles in the Bible of both the prophets in the Old Testament and Jesus in the New Testament. And that made matters worse. With my all Biblical knowledge and people pushing their faith onto me, I was frustrated. One day a person even told me, “You should stop taking your HIV medication so when the Lord heals you, people will really believe that the miracle was of God.” I stood there with a blank look on my face. “I don’t think so buddy!!!!” is what I wanted to scream at him. So, I kept talking to God, waiting on the answer. I even changed my prayer. “Lord, just give me something to say to these people about my healing.”

Then people started to cure me in my mail. I received 25 copies of this little booklet, "By His Strips We Are Healed". I screamed, "Pleeeease GOD tell me what I’m missing." And that wasn’t the half of it. I received long letters with Scripture I was instructed to repeat every day, tapes, oil and prayer clothes. People were determined to heal me anyway they could.

Then one day after what seemed like an eternity, God gave me the answer I had been seeking. I was in Washington, DC speaking at a church. That particular night, there was a lot of press covering me.

No sooner than I laid the mic down, a woman rushed up to me, "You know the Lord can heal you of AIDS." I got that look on my face, “Here we go again.” I stood as she rambled and rambled on. "And it would be an awesome thing. With all these TV cameras and the press you get, you could go around the world and tell people how wonderful God is because He healed you of AIDS!" In an instant God spoke to my spirit, "I am a wonderful God, even if I never heal you of AIDS!" The testimony is: Hallelujah anyhow!

WOW! I was so overwhelmed tears starting streaming down my face. Of course the woman thought that her prophecy had moved me to tears. But it was nothing short of God sitting center stage in my spirit giving me with the answers that I had longed for. The easiest testimony on the planet is when God has done the thing you most wanted in your life. But can you love God in the midst of your pain? Can you love and praise Him when you are bearing your cross? I understood that day that my love for God was not predicated on my healing from AIDS. God is wonderful and sovereign without the extra that He gives to us.

Back to the healing, I had missed it all along. The miracle wasn’t the thing that people had been trying to force on me, but something even greater. In some ways, healing me of AIDS was an EASY testimony, almost expected of God. But living with AIDS was an INCREDIBLE testimony. God gave me the greatest gift of all: the ability to live and thrive with an illness that should’ve taken me out of here many a day. And believe me when I say I should’ve died 16 years ago.

When I made a transition to AIDS 19 years ago, the life expectancy was 3 years. And before advancement in treatment, I was staring death in the face. My t-cell count was 8, my viral load was 397,000, I was a size 0. You could see how frail I was in every picture that was taken of me back then. There is no doubt, my health was failing.

I had 3 bouts of PCP, the number one infection, at the time, that killed people with AIDS. You cannot tell me that I am not a walking miracle. I get it! I also get that we spend so much time expecting God to do what we want, we miss the wonderful things that He has done. I’m content with the miracle of my life. So what if it’s a hard life, He continues to give me all the tools I need to maneuver through the wilderness.
PostScript: By the way, God didn’t heal everyone. The Apostle Paul is one clear example. Paul had a thorn in his flesh. He asked God to heal him three times and each time God said, “No!” Christians are quick to quote from this text that the Lord told Paul, “My Grace is sufficient.” But God also told Paul,”My strength is made perfect in your weakness.” I know from this that when I am at my lowest point, God will do His best work. (2 Cor 7-10)

Fashion/Beauty Friday: Back of the Closet

I was one of those people who had to have something new for every event, especially speaking engagements. I had it bad! And to make matters worse, I always had some stupid ass rationalization of why I just had to have something new. But that reality has changed for me.

As of late, buying an ensemble may mean that a bill will not get paid. In recent weeks, I have well documented my financial crises here on my blog and in the April issue of Ebony. I'm struggling like most of America is!  While I understand this, I have a reality that must be addressed, I still have this urge to shop. Maybe this demon is wrapped in childhood drama.  Mama was complex. While she beat and cuss me, she always bought me new clothes absolutely every pay period. So the more she bought, the more clothes I asked for. I think somewhere along the way, I equated these new things with love. So here I am at 47 years old, fighting this demon. And believe me it's a struggle. Like last week, when I went to speak at Florida A&M University, I had to talk myself out of buying a new ensemble that I really couldn't afford.

I debated and debated and after after much consideration, it was settled! Something new was out of the question. Then that little fashion demon started talking to me. It went something like this, "Well Rae, you at least need some new red pumps." She had a point and I was listening.  So I made my way down the Mag Mile as the fashion demon whispered to me, "See, its like this, you have an image to keep up Diva." She was right again. LOL! And I kept on walking and she kept on talking. "This event is a Red Pump Bruncheon and your red pumps have been seen on Facebook, Twitter and your blog A LOT in the last 4 weeks. "Come Onnnnnnn Diva," the fashion demon whispered, "You know you got to come with it."

I made my way down the Mag Mile straight to the door of Neiman Marcus. But as I entered reality set in. Rae, you CANNOT afford anything new!  That was a reality that shook me out of what was about to be my stupidity.

Yes, I love to look good and people except it from me. But the truth of the matter is, you don't always have to buy something new to look fabulous. Often times we have the  perfect ensemble in our closets, we just have to take the time and thought to pull it all together.  So I went home, opened my closet and pulled together a great outfit.

When coordinating an ensemble, you need a starting point. Red pumps were mine and I worked from there. Second, I knew I wanted to go with a light color and a light weight because I was going to the sunshine state.

This Ann Taylor silk pant suit was perfect! It's five years old and I have only worn it maybe three times. In the past, I paired it with a brown and beige shell and brown and beige spectator sling backs. But this time around, I gave it a fresh look to work with my red pumps.

I paired it with a  lace shirt that added  a little texture to the ensemble. This v-neck, cap sleeve shell is from Banana Republic and it is eight years old.  I originally wore this shell with a cream satin skirt suit to a black  tie affair.

Accessories are key!  My 10 year old  beige Gucci belt was added to draw my waist line in and give my boxy body a shape. Because this was a women's brunch I wanted to add femininity. I love pearls and they are perfect to achieve that goal.  On a side note, I LOVE pearls and own them in every price range.  My 10-12mm South Sea pearl post earrings are some of the best you can own because of their incredible luster.  I paired them with a 100 inch strand of freshwater pearls that I doubled and knotted at the bottom and added a 24 inch strand of cultured pearls for that layering effect.

And of course I followed a Diva Rule, an ensemble is NEVER complete without a bracelet. I am almost never "matchy-matchy," but after trying twenty different bracelets with this ensemble, these were the perfect match. It helped to bring the entire ensemble together best.

The red coral stackable bracelet is from my Celebrate America Collection 2009. The pearl bracelet is fabulous. It is designed with tiny pearls that have been weaved together to make each individual ball. I then took twenty-two balls to craft this bracelet. It's a one-of-a-kind in my personal collection. To sell this bracelet the cost would be no less than $300 because of the weaving.

While I use real pearls, you can achieve the same look with faux pearls. However, I do believe that every woman should invest in at least one pearl necklace, earrings and bracelet.  It will become an heirloom that you can pass from generation to generation. And just so you know, there are always affordable freshwater pearl bracelets in my collection.

OK... I think I pulled it together pretty nicely and in the process, I proved to myself that I didn't need to spend any more money to look fabulous. All I really had to do was go to the back of my closet, take what I already had and give it a fresh look.

The point for me is to always look well put together.  You only have one time to make a good first impression. It does not take money to achieve that goal, it takes a little thought and time in your closet.

P.S. The event was wonderful! While I ministered to these young people, God also ministered to me. This was my Facebook status the next day:  

I went to FAMU to minister to these wonderful young people yesterday. But in the midst of it, God ministered to me. He gave me the reminder that I NEEDED. "I planned my life, but miscalculated. God planned for my miscalculation." My life belongs to God. My purpose is His purpose. Anything extra is a gift. Stay focused my daughter. I'm doing some awesome work in your life.