Monday Reflection: Make the Damn Pie Already!

So many of us are waiting on the pie to fall right out of the sky into our living room and change our lives. Yep, I know this because millions play the lotto every year.

Now don't get me wrong, ain't nothing wrong with free money. But I know for sure that I'll probably never win. Why? Well, I don't play the lotto.

But the lotto is not my topic today, it's just my validation for my pie in the sky theory. We want our lives to be changed but we only want to do minimum work. Sadly, one dollar for a million dollars is about all we are willing to invest in our dream. But in the real world, if you only invest one dollar in your dream, you are going to yield a dollar's worth of dream. The Bible says, "What a person sows, that shall they also reap," and it's true.

God has planted so much good stuff in your spirit and many of us are just waiting on it to happen. And while we are waiting, we are complaining that it hasn't happened, but have done nothing to help make it happen.

Some of you have gifts and talents beyond belief. Others have had a vision - dream that thing God has planted in your spirit that you cant shake. What ever you want to call it, you've had it for years but yet you're just sitting around talking about that thang and waiting on it to happen.

But, umm, God woke me up at 5:30 this morning to write this blog and tell you that talk is cheap. All these sayings: God helps those, who helps themselves; You take one step, He will take two, are true to the tenth power. What I know for sure is this, nothing will happen if you do nothing. In the era of Gold Card Christianity, name it and claim it, we have become misguided. 

Lets go back to the pie that you've been waiting on to drop out of the sky. I have no idea how to bake a pie but I know that God has provided me with all the resources I need to make it happen. At the top of the pyramid, God has given me desire. In my heart is a yearning for this pie; I believe the pie is the dessert I should be having. Why? Because it stays in my spirit longer than any cake has ever stayed. And I know it's right because the pie will add value to my life and the life of others.

I pause here because some of you have desires for things that destroy the mind, body and spirit of not just your life, but those who interact with you. That is not of God. All things from God are good and perfect; that is how you will know if your yearning comes from God.

So I set out to bake my pie instead of complaining about not having it. God provides all the resources you need. There are literally hundreds of pie recipes that I can choose from. Then all the ingredients are found in hundreds of stores across this country. Today, you can even have Pea Pod deliver the ingredients to you. 

Ok... Ok... I hear you, you don't have the money. Well how about buying one ingredient a month. Start with the least expensive and the nonperishable items, most of those last for a couple of years. And then when you have almost everything you need to whip that pie up, buy the perishable ingredients.

Well, and then there's practice. I remember the first time I made a chocolate cake, umm I didn't even wait to eat it. I could have given up after I tasted that rubber, but instead, I kept trying different recipes until I got it right, and now I make one heck of a chocolate cake.

It's not Paula Deen's but it's mine. I can't get stuck on the fact that Paula's chocolate cake looks prettier than mine. If I let my jealousy lead, it may blind me and I wont be able to see the goodness in my own cake. Oprah said in her Master Class, "When you spend time looking behind at the other people in the race, it slows you down." Now that was truth to the tenth power.

Paula and her two son!

And by the way, one of the reasons I love Paula Deen so much is because when she found herself divorced with two small children and one skill, cooking, she sold bag lunches with no shame and for many years she was known as the bag lady in Savannah.

You have to start somewhere. You can't let fear of failure and what people might say interfere with your dreams. She took chances that women in her era didn't take. Now her brand has grown. Yes, God has blessed her, but she put in the work. She spent hours laboring in her first restaurant. She was turned down by banks, but she kept it moving. She did what she had to to make it happen. Her success is because of hard work. Things will fall into place if you are moving in the right direction. Success comes when opportunity meets preparation.

Oprah said, "Intention is everything." This is true, nothing will happen if you do nothing. I started taking care of myself when I was 17, October of my senior year of high school. Homeless, I have never been unemployed longer than a week. In the old days, if I lost a job one day, I was looking the next day. I remember once I put on 3 inch heels, a suit and makeup and walked Water Tower Place mall and completed applications at all the retail stores in one day. And on my last stop at the end of the day, tired, hungry and hurting feet, I was hired at Paul Harris clothing store.

You have got to be willing to put in the work. This current slant of "Favor" on religion has made us believe that success will happen because we say it will happen. This is not how the real world works nor is it how God works. Even when Jesus fed the 5000, He had a starting point. First, He sent the disciples among the people to gather all the food they could find. They worked!!! When they returned with the two fish and five loaves of bread, Jesus then divided that which He had to feed the people.

Me in May Issue of Woman's Day

Stop complaining about how hard your freaking life is. It's hard for everyone. I work 10-12 hour days with AIDS to make it happen over here. Speaking, blogging, tweeting, tweet-ups, Facebooking, interviews, radio, tv, cable, whatever comes my way.

I do it when I'm on IV medication and when I'm not. I did that photo shoot for Woman's Day magazine (May issue) with pneumonia. I had NO idea that I would lead the article. What if I had canceled. They would have used a small PR picture of me and that would have been it.

My gift is telling my story and I tell it as often as I can, to help enrich the lives of others. And I use every vehicle I can to make it happen.

Brooke from BET Harlem Heights Wearing RLT Collection

You have got to put in the time. You have got to invest in yourself if you want to grow. I've been speaking lately, and once bills are paid, instead of shopping I have reinvested my money into my bracelet line, RLT Collection.

I love designing bracelets, but this is not a hobby. Before I die, I want to be known as a bracelet designer. I want women and men to want to wear my bracelets. If I don't have product, then I cannot grow.

I spend hours at the bead board working through my designs. Then, I actually make the bracelets and take my own pictures, then I put them on the website which is very time consuming. And everything ain't gonna go your way all the time. Case in point, when I first started RLT Collection two and a half years ago, a good friend, who is a photographer, took all my pictures. But recently he said he couldn't do any more free pictures. I didn't have money to pay him so I'm taking pictures. I do what I must to grow.

You have got to be willing to take chances. I will say it again: fear of failure and what people will say should have no room in your space. But for sure, if you do nothing, nothing will happen. I still have friends who have NEVER purchased a bracelet from me. And my profit return has been slow. But I'm plugging away at it and in recent months I can see some small growth.

When Oprah began she started with no audience in the studio on a cold Chicago day with a bad Gerri Curl. When she went into syndication she decided not to get a paycheck from ABC but to own her name. Some people would have never done it. NEVER! No paycheck, are you kidding? That was risk taking at it's best. She said, "I decided to bet on myself. In the end, it was the best bet I ever made!"

Talk is cheap. You have to do the work and put in the time! Success is Opportunity Meeting Preparation! You gotta have all the ingredients before you can bake the pie. Get off your darn sofa and do what you must to make the damn pie already! God's got your back... But you must move forward first. God can't bless nothing that ain't happening.

Fashion/Beauty Tuesday: Beauty With A Cause!

I love Law and Order SVU and that Mariska Hargitay brings the complex character of Olivia Benson to life. On the show, she was a child conceived in rape who grew up with an alcoholic mother trying to cope with raising that child as a result of rape. A lofty task on her mother's part. But during that period, women had no choice. They had no right to choose. A baby made out of love or rape was a baby had.

Her character went to new heights when she became a victim of rape on an undercover sting in prison. I love her character. This season she told a rapist after his capture, "You're my bitch now!" My Twitter timeline was trending SVU that night. SVU clearly helps us to understand rape and abuse in a way that we never had.

But I believe that one of Mariska's greatest roles is as founder of A Joyful Heart Foundation, a foundation committed to healing the mind, body and spirit of sexual assault victims. The great thing about this foundation is that they support survivors of child abuse, sexual assault and domestic violence. I am impressed with the work that Joyful Heart does. Read their story here.

As an adult survivor of both childhood sexual assault and abuse and rape, I wish there had been a Joyful Heart Foundation when I was a child, or even when I was raped when I was a young adult.

Sexual assault is real!

• One in three women report being physically or sexually abused by a husband or boyfriend at some point in their lives.


• Every two minutes in the United States, someone is sexually assaulted.


• Nearly four children die every day in this country as a result of child abuse and neglect. And up to ten million children witness domestic violence each year.

And when I saw this bath product from Philosophy that supports A Joyful Heart Foundation, I had to share it with you. 100% of the net proceeds go to the foundation. This scent is floral and feminine and I love it! But most important, it's a great cause and one way to show your support for victims of sexual assault and child abuse. It comes in both a lotion and shower gel and I plan to buy them both. Yes, both! When you layer the same shower gel and lotion you increase the longevity of the scent. Check it out here.

Purchasing Joyful Heart is one clear way to show your support for such a great cause! Another way is to join me this Friday by wearing dark blue to show your support for survivors of child abuse. The following Friday, April 15th, we'll wear teal to show support for survivors of sexual assault. Then we'll alternate Fridays wearing dark blue on April 22nd, and teal on April 29th. Tweet and/or Facebook me photos of you wearing these colors. I'm creating an album to go on my Facebook page.  

                                  

Monday Reflection: Never Suffer in Silence...

One early morning Mama woke me out of my sleep. I thought I was dreaming at first, "Rae, Rae, get yo ass up and find my brush." I looked over at the clock, it was 5:00 a.m. I took a deep breath and started to crawl out of the bed. "Bitch, didn't you hear me? Get yo ass up and find my brush."

I walked into Mama's room, "Huh, Mama?" I whispered. "Find my brush. I know yo ass had it!" She demanded. Without a single word, I wiped the sleep out of my eyes and I started searching for Mama's hair brush. I knew if I couldn't find it or didn't find it fast enough this could mean a beating. The pit of my stomach tightened. I was methodical in my looking. I knew I had to find it and fast.

This was no time for emotion; I had to keep a clear head or that was my ass. I searched and searched but no brush. "Bitch, what's takin you so long?" Mama hollered. "Mama, I don't see it," I pleaded. "Maybe it's in your purse," I suggested. "Bitch! I looked in my purse! Find my motherfuckin brush!" She screamed.

I took a deep breath and made my way to the dresser where she was standing. I started looking through her top dresser drawers. Before I knew it, I could feel the cold water from her glass in my face. "Bitch, find my motherfuckin brush." My warm tears met the cold water. I knew what would be next. But I had looked everywhere. I had no idea where her brush was. I had searched every inch of the house.

Mama

She must have overlooked it in her purse, I thought. "Mama, did you look in your purse?" I mumbled. "Bitch, it ain't in there," was her response. I was truly at a loss. I had searched our apartment high and low. I knew the outcome of this was not going to be good. The only thing I could come up with was that she must have overlooked it in her purse.

So I had to go ahead and defy her and look for myself. If I didn't find it, I was gonna get a beating and if I looked in her purse I was gonna get a beating, so I had to do what I had to do. At 13 I had figured out most of Mama's moves. When I should have been playing with Barbies, instead I had become an expert at survival.

I picked up Mama's purse. "Bitch, I told you it wasn't in my purse!" I ignored her and kept looking. Slowly, I pulled the brush out of the purse. I handed it to her. She stood there with her hands on her hips. "Oh, I thought you had it." And then she turned away and finished dressing for work. I went back to bed and cried silent tears.

Fourth Presbyterian  Church-Chicago 

A couple hours later, I got up and dressed for school. That's what I did everyday. I suffered through the abuse and I kept it moving. I never seemed to miss a beat. From the outside looking in I was a well kept child in a working class family. All appeared well and right with the world.

Yes, I was well kept, but the abuse in my house outweighed any meal that I could have ever been fed. Looking back, I wonder how I did it year after year. Suffering through the silence of my abuse and I didn't lose my mind. Nor did I turn to drugs and alcohol as an escape. I just kept on going.

But the truth of the matter, in my house we were told to NEVER talk about family business. What happened in our house stayed in our house. To break the code of silence could render you the worst beating ever. And any beating that was talked about was sanctioned under the concept that "whippings" were OK. Whipping helped to maintain control. It is the sick Slave-master method of control that was carried down in Black families from slavery, year to year. But in many cases, there was a thin line between abuse and discipline and many of our families crossed that line in the name of discipline.

Other then staying out of Mama's way, where I spent hours in my bedroom reading, my escape from this abuse was church. That was my refuge. Church for me was an escape and a safe place. No one called me out of my name, and it provided me a place away from Mama. She was extremely strict, however she never interfered with church, even though she didn't go herself.

But even at church I didn't tell. I kept the secret. Many years later after I started speaking publicly about my life, my former pastor's wife asked if she had failed me. I was coming to church every Sunday, staying most days until they locked the doors and she had no idea that I was an abused child. I told her no because it was a safe place, without judgement. Even though I was super hyper, no one ever told me to sit my fast ass down or talked about me, they just provided activities that would channel my hyper-activeness productively.

In the Black family, there is some code of honor about silence, some glory in discipline. We are quick to tell our children, Ima beat yo ass. But at the end of the day, how does a child grow without being damaged and bitter. I loved my Mama, but I didn't like her until the day she died.

I grew up confused and feeling rejected and that all fostered low self-esteem. I had to learn what was healthy and normal. But by the time I had done so, it had already caused so much damage to me and led to my HIV status. I was always looking for love. Yes, choosy, looking for the best, brightest, and richest I could find, but that didn't exempt me from AIDS.


Now that I have gone public with it ALL there is no turning back for me. I get a lot of criticism for my provocative, transparent and, some would even say vulgar, honesty about life, dating and sex.

But I lived in silence for years as an abused child and that silence led to my silence around my HIV status as a secret for years. Now I will never suffer in silence again. NEVER!! I don't quite care how you feel about my approach. I don't keep family secrets that hurt! I will not lie because you cannot handle the truth. I will never suffer in silence again.

Post Script: April is both Child Abuse Awareness and Sexual Assault Awareness Month. I will be giving you insight into my life. I will be talking about rape and childhood abuse in my own life. The damage childhood abuse (emotional, physical, sexual) as well as sexual assault have had on my life. I hope my transparency will give you insights on how I have coped with it all and how I have been able to see resilience on the other side of abuse.