Does Anyone Date Anymore?

Does anyone date anymore? Is chivalry dead? Is there an expectation that sex is automatic in every relationship? And just because a man makes you wet between the legs does that mean that you have to go ALL the way?

And how soon is too soon for sex in a relationship? I know there has always been a double standard in our society. Women who have sex early, 1 day, 1 week, 1 month are typically called whores. And men are glorified for being able to get that "thang." And honestly, the main reason women hold out is to ensure that he is what he says he is. But holding out for months won't determine if he will be an ass in the end. Nor does it guarantee that he won't dump you once he actually "gets it." I mean some men love the chase. I've said over and over again, no one ever really knows everything about a person, not really. Even though we bask in a level of arrogance, proclaiming that you know your "Boo."

From day one we always claim that we really want to become friends first, but do we really follow through? I mean the moment they make us wet and tingly, or him hard and throbbing, all our best intentions typically go out the window.


What we do is exchange chemistry for friendship. But I'm here to tell you, just because he turns you on sexually does not mean that you two are compatible in other areas of your life. Really! I've had some wonderful sex from some assholes. For Real! Who, in the end, didn't really have my best interest at heart, and wasn't capable of an honest friendship based on mutual respect.


I started thinking about this because I had dinner the other evening with an absolute gentleman. It was a real date. I can't even remember the last time I've had "real" date. My last relationship was a whirlwind and it ended in a whirlwind that left me broken. And that was a power that I gave him over me. But... Never again. Never again. We blame everyone but ourselves and a person can only do to us what we allow them to do. Whether they have best intentions or not.

So this gentleman took me on a bona fide date. He knocked on my door, rather than calling me on my cell phone to tell me to "come on out." He took my coat at the restaurant. I sat first, he opened doors. He never assumed anything about my life and my willingness to talk about a particular topic, even though he knows that talking about my life is the epicenter of my ministry. He did not take me for granted, rather he asked.

And it was a lovely evening. We laughed and shared a meal. There's a lot of intimacy and power in sharing a meal. Really! You see, sharing a meal forces you to actually look at the person sitting across from you. It allows you to see a smile or the special way they laugh. And those can be some of the most powerful moments of intimacy. Intimacy isn't fucking. It is characterize as, essential, innermost, familiarity, comfortability, very personal. Fucking on the other hand is what it is, an act of sexual intercourse. And the sad part is, you can have fucking without intimacy. Dating allows for intimacy.

After dinner, I invited him to my home for tea. And we laughed, we talked, and in those most "intimate" of moments, like a touch on the leg, a soft brush across my face with the swipe of his hand, a hug, we both knew that we had chemistry. But chemistry does not add up to friendship.

Friendship takes time. It must grow. It must be fermented just like black tea. Black tea is the strongest, boldest tea and it goes through the most and longest processing before it is ready for a tea cup. I submit that we must give ourselves time to be the strongest and boldest that a relationship can be. What's wrong with courting the old fashioned way? We want everything to happen overnight in this microwavable society. Let a person earn the right to be with you.

No, I'm not putting any time limitations on it, but I am saying, know that there is a difference between chemistry and friendship and there is a place for both of them in a relationship. Chemistry is instant and it creates a path for friendship... It is not the path. And friendship will under-gird the longest, strongest and boldest of relationships.

And oh, the thing that impressed me the most, when we stood at my door to say goodnight, he didn't try to stick his tongue down my throat. He didn't assume that the intimate moments we shared throughout the evening gave him the right to cross that boundary. And what's the rush anyway? If the friendship grows, both of your tongues will tag along.

Does Anyone Date Anymore? Yep Me!! Just like I declared that no man could have my coochie in the dark if he was not willing to walk with me in daylight in the park... Well, no more whirlwinds for me... I'm gonna let my relationships ferment just like my favorite tea, with time...

TeaWithRae: Chai Anyone?

When chai tea became the trend I made my way to Starbucks to check it out. Yep! The tea lover that I am didn't want to be out of the loop. But honestly, it was an epic fail.

Over and over again I kept trying different brands of chai tea and finally, I just gave up. To me, chai tasted like someone simply mixed cloves, cinnamon and vanilla extract together and called it tea. It was way too spicy for me. So I decided that I was done with chai. But then many of my Twitter followers kept telling me how much they love chai tea. So for them and in the spirit of being fair in my Tea With Rae project, I decided to keep trying. I started to think that maybe I hadn't had the right blend of chai and that I needed to give it a try for the sake of the project.

You can count this blog as the first in my series on my chai tea adventure. The Persimmon Tea Tree Company sent me two of their chai teas when I told them that I didn't like chai. And honestly, it took me forever to taste them, but boy, wasn't I pleasantly surprised. Rooibos Chai and Rooibos Vanilla Chai were both winners!

Before I dive into these teas, let me tell you a little about chai. Chai tea has been a favorite beverage for centuries in the East, especially India, but recently has become a popular beverage in the West. The most trendy way to drink chai tea is "latte," half milk and half tea blended together. I haven't acquired the taste of milk in my tea just yet. But I'm working on it.

Chai typically begins with a black tea and then it's blended with a rich and complex mixture of spices. While there are different recipes for chai, the most common mixture is cinnamon, cardamon, cloves, pepper and ginger. It is typically served sweet (add sugar) to bring out the flavor of the spices.

But for me, there wasn't enough sugar in the world to make me like chai tea. Then along came two teas blended not with black tea but with rooibos tea which comes from the red bush in South Africa.

The Persimmon Tea Tree Company hit it out of the ball park with these rooibos/chai blends. I think they are perfect! The red tea adds balance to the mixture of spices. While I like both blends, I prefer the Vanilla Chai because it has an extra punch making the mixture of spice and sweet perfect. The Vanilla Chai is blended with cinnamon, ginger, cardamom, vanilla, cloves and orange pieces. I'm sure the orange pieces add extra sweetness to this chai blend. I have had this tea every week since I tried it a few weeks ago. And when I drink a tea more then once a week, it is definitely a winner!

Over all, I have a newfound respect for chai. It's a perfect tea for that pick me up in the middle of the day. And just like with most teas, there are a wealth of health benefits that come from both the combination of rooibos and the chai spices. Together they are loaded with antioxidants. Check out here what Persimmon Tea Tree Company has to say about the health benefits. I love that they highlight the health benefits on every page.

Now that I have conquered my fear of chai, I must explore other blends. I will keep you posted. Happy Cuppa!!

It Begins At Home: The Good; The Bad; The Ugly!

I was trying as best as I could to make this a family. I was trying my best not to let my fear of him get in the way of how a family was supposed to be. It was crazy that at 13, I was trying to make a family from out of a mess. But I was a child living in chaos desperate for a "normal" life. So that day, I gave him another try. Try to be a father, that is.

I was having problems with my camera so I went to ask for help. To my surprise and delight he took the camera to figure out the problem. As he worked on the camera, I stood at a safe distance because his history had taught me that was my safest place. But this time it seemed different. "Maybe this could be a family," I thought as he fumbled and fumbled with my camera. 

Then finally he solved the problem. He said, "See, this was all that needed to be done." I moved in closer to see how he had fixed the problem I had been trying to solve all morning. WOW! "This may be ok after all," I thought to myself. A smile came over my face. I stepped in closer and within an instant he had grabbed my breast and started rubbing it. I jerked back in horror, turned and ran straight for the door. 

I ran down those three flights of stairs as fast as I could and I didn't stop until I was blocks away from the house. That summer day I stayed in the park with friends until I was sure Mama had made it home from work. I remember walking down my block looking for Mama's car like I was looking for dear life. I was tired and hungry and I wanted to go home. 

When I saw her car I knew I was safe. I turned my keys in the door, slipped into our apartment and went straight to my bedroom and closed the door. That's how it was in my house. My bedroom was the safest place for me. It was not a normal family no matter how hard I tried or wished it to be so. It was a family soiled by abuse. At times Mama wasn't even safe. She had already told me when I told her that her husband was grabbing my breast, "I'm not gonna let you fuck up my shit." 

The funny thing is, Mama was my safety in his presence. I knew that he would never touch me around her. It was ironic that out of her own selfish need to have a man, she kept me in an environment where there was no protection, but yet at the same time, her presence provided some protection.

Growing up in this chaos and trauma it's a wonder I'm not any more crazy than I already am. No child should have to live under the circumstance in which I lived. 

In our families, we need to begin naming the abuse and protecting our children. Hurt children grow up to be hurt people. In the end, we either hurt ourselves, others, or both. Half of this destruction that our young people render on society and themselves, like drugs, alcohol, sex, gangs, violence, is rooted in lack of love and protection in our families. Saving our children begins at home! All of it, the good, the bad and the ugly.

When we see violence in our homes we must tell our sister, brother, aunt, cousin, even our friends, that the violence must stop! If we are going to raise a generation of young people who love themselves, we must first love them!

Post Script: We are wearing dark blue again this Friday. Tweet, Facebook or email me a picture of you supporting the cause in your blue.