Who Stays.. Who Goes...

You know men come and go in our lives, they really really do. Not like in the olden days when a woman met a man and he was her history for most of her life, if not all of her life. That's a time since past. In my generation women looked for love over and above security and a name.

 Love became our savior. Looking for Mr. Right is our main goal in a relationship; but they seem to come and go and come and go. Some of you seasoned women know what I'm talking about. Do you ever stop to think where the heck was that man you thought you couldn't live without at some point in your life?

Let me make a quick detour from my original intent of today's blog.  Given what I know about relationships, I wonder why in each relationship we can't see beyond its success, maybe to its failure. We hope and pray for the best and we bank everything on that, our heart, our mind and our bodies. We give them everything with the hope that we will have everything in the end. But what we give on the front end, doesn't always compare to what we get on the back end.

It's amazing how resilient women are; we take that licking and keep right on ticking. We bounce back and bounce back and bounce back, but I wonder what part of us we lose when the ball goes down before it comes back up? I wonder do we get lost in the looking? Do we ever stop to consider the long term impact of what it does to our spirit?

And what do we do with their families? Until recently, I've never maintained a relationship with an ex's family. Even my ex-husband's family kept it moving. Sometimes I think about all those wonderful Christmas gifts I gave when I was married and rolling in the money from speaking. All the money I spent. Lawddd all the money I spent. I think about all the times I got my frail body up and cooked and took stepchildren shopping.  And when he and I were done, so were those relationships that came with him. Looking back, maybe those relationships had run its course.

On my side, it's been easy, because I don't really have a family and my step-grandmother who raised me never really was a part of my adult life; She did not participate. So there was no one on my side for my ex's to develop a relationship, but on the reverse, I have developed relationships with my ex-boyfriends family's that seem to go right out the door with the relationship. That is some more emotional baggage that we carry at the end of a relationship.

Then came my most recent Ex-guy. We just had so many layers to our relationship, that maintaining it was harder and hurtful than letting it go. So WE let it go, but his mother never let me go. She was honorable enough to say, I developed a relationship with this woman and whatever you all have to do for you do it, but I have to do what's best for me. Now that's a hell of a woman. Yes maintaining a relationship with me has made some people uncomfortable, but she has not missed a beat. Not even from day one when I was hurting beyond belief, she just kept holding on to me.

You know God will bring people in your life that are supposed to stay and God will remove people in your life that you can't remove yourself, but they need to go. Sometimes, we hold on to what should go  and let go what we should keep.  Holding on when we should let go causes us far more pain than if we had let them go. Letting go, is not always a bad thing.

I'm grateful that I'm mature enough  and seasoned enough to recognize who should stay and who should go. When you can recognize this, you live in harmony with God's plan for your life.

Monday Reflection: Use What You Got!

Lawdddd knows I've been in the blue. Not the bright pretty color that makes you smile but the grey blue that makes you frown; where the possibilities for something better is there but it's overshadowed by shades of grey.

For the last two weeks I've been fighting this demon with all that is within me. I really have. But, no matter which way I turn, I seem to be reminded that life is hard for me, really hard.

I've been taking care of myself since October of my senior year of high school. I came home 15 minutes late for my curfew and Mama told me to go back where I had just come from and she meant that shit.

Having to put food on the table since I was 17 has been no easy task, but I've done it! Like for real.. For real... But lately I seem to never get ahead; not just financially, but also physically. There always seem to be something bogging me down. Something... I feel like I just can't get a break; and some days it's all consuming and the consumption is not healthy emotionally and bad emotional health is not good for my physical health. Then I start to stress more that the stress will land me back on IV medication.

I've got to find a balance in my life. I often seek God for answers and it's funny how God speaks through the least expected at the least expected times.

Like yesterday I was restless, just restless. So I decided that I would bake some cookies. Baking is another place of solitude for me. So I marched into the kitchen to pull all the ingredients together to find nothing that I needed to make any kind of cookies.

This of course created an overwhelming sadness in me. I can't remember a time in my life since those early days when I went into my kitchen and didn't have what I needed to bake. I'm the stock up queen. But for the last 3 1/2 years it's been hard, really hard. There has been very little for extra, the necessity has been basically it. Now don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for what I got because there are some that don't have what I have;But I've not lived this bare in years.

In that moment of realization there became a sadness that swept over me. I started to look through my cabinets. I needed some cook therapy even more so at that moment. To no avail, I couldn't find a thing, so I got back in the bed. Then out of the clear blue, I remembered that I had some unpopped popcorn and went searching on the internet for something that I could make with it.

I found a simple recipe, butter, sugar, water and popcorn and I added some shaved chocolate and it made a delish toffee popcorn.

After I had finished making my toffee popcorn, God spoke to my spirit loud and clear, "My daughter, use what you've got and see me work a wonder."

We spend a lot of time lamenting the things we hope for, but don't have. What about what we do have? God never really leaves us without, no matter how empty it may seem.

I keep talking about this, maybe because I really need to GET it!

It's interesting that I get it when it comes to my work. God calls and God equips! I may not be tracking the country speaking for large speaker fees right now, but I have thousands at my reach, daily through twitter, this blog, Facebook and my YouTube. I do the work that I was called to do in this most modern way, through Social Media.

In spite of my critics, I keep it moving with a gangster shrug. I dare not squander this gift I have. All this knowledge and wisdom that God has blessed me with, I wouldn't dare sit on it just because I don't have an auditorium to deliver it in. To do so would be way too arrogant.  So honestly, the little I do have often goes to making my Social Media better, because this is where I work; where I touch lives, and educate. Sometimes I pay my internet and phone bill before going grocery shopping because I gotta have a place to do the work. Just last week alone, most of what little money I got went  to creating a new face for the website, people may admire the work that I do, but they want to be paid for their services.  BTW.. Thank you again... for every donation and every bracelet sale... I cannot even begin to tell you how much it means to me and it is often ALWAYS on time.

But I gotta get over myself when it comes to my personal life. Get over the fact that you may not always get what you want, but you do get what you need. I must stay steadfast and so must you. When you wake in the morning you are still a part of God's earthly plan, don't squander today because it's not the life you thought you would have on yesterday.

We ALL have to learn to use what we got in ALL areas of our life and watch God turn your little into much!

Sophie's Mommie

I always wanted children, well not quite children, a child, a little girl but AIDS took that away from me. It was a hard decision to not have children but I made it. Having such a rocky entrance into this world and an even rockier childhood I had some very clear ideas about how children should be brought into this world. My bottom line; bring children in the world when your circumstance permit. I wasn't really opposed to being a single parent, but if I was struggling to put food on the table, well then my circumstance didn't permit. I've been a one woman show since I was a senior in high school, when I got put out for being 15 minutes late for curfew, 12:15. Mama said, "Go back where you just came from bitch," and I've been putting bread on my table ever since.

So children, single and struggling I didn't think was a bright idea and then when I had a husband, HIV treatment and care wasn't what it is today. There was more of a risk of infecting a child back in the early days; a whopping 30% and that was 30 too many. Now things have changed and it's about a 2% chance that the child will be infected if a woman takes a very specific anti-retroviral treatment in the first trimester. This is why HIV testing for pregnant women is so critical.

So my not having children is a clear and definite effect of having contracted HIV. It's a lost a mourn years ago and filled in other ways. Many don't know but I took in a teenager I met when I first started speaking and helped to raise her with her grandmother. She was a hand full but now grown up, married and raising a child of her own. There were a host of other young ladies met while speaking who were in and out of my house and living with me at periods of time and they are in and out of my life too all grown up and doing their thing.

I'm grateful that my home could be a safe place, it clearly takes a village. But truly my dogs have really filled a void.

Imani in her prime

First was Imani, my first born was loving, attentive but she was playful. So she divided her time between me and her rubber duckie's and balls. Then Imani had a baby Nambi who was often called little Rae. Diva dog for sure. She didn't play, she didn't sit on the floor and she couldn't be bothered with most people other than me and, Toi the young lady I helped to raise.

I had Imani for 12 years and she so taught me how to live outside of myself. She had some kind of lung disease and there would be nights when she and I would sit on the toilet with a hot shower running so she could get the steam. Lawd, watching her die almost killed me. After I put her under I cried for days, weeks and months. There would be days I would be getting ready for a speaking engagement and tears would just start to flow.

Nambi a year before she died.

But I still had Nambi, little Rae as my close friends called her and she was my shadow. If I went there in the house, so did she. She never left my side, NEVER. She was Imani's baby from her one and only litter and she was my constant companion.  Imani played and Nambi layed on the pillow over me.

But when she was 12 years old, like her mother Imani her health started to take a turn. I drove down to the University of Illinois State of the art animal hospital so they could fix my baby girl up, like I had done with her mother, but they told me her time was near and that I should put her under.

I cried all the way home, me her and Sophie. I had gotten Sophie two weeks prior. It had taken me a whopping 3 years to get a new baby after Imani's death.

Sophie at 2 months

We were a sight to see, me tears flowing the entire 2 1/2 ride back home, Sophie full of life and Nambi looking up at me like mommie. "Why did you bring this hyper ass child into our lives in my old age. I can't take it can I please die in peace?"

I got back to Chicago and nursed my baby. I had put one baby to sleep and I didn't think I could do it again. I knew it would kill me too, I just couldn't. It was madness in my bed. Me, Nambi and Sophie. Sophie is bigger than Nambi and she would lay across Nambi and look into her face like, "When we gonna play?" And Nambi would growl through her sickness, "If you don't get off me bitch you better."

Sophie!

I didn't go anywhere for about two weeks. I just couldn't leave my baby and I couldn't put her to sleep. I just couldn't and then slowly she started to bounce back. She was my little miracle. You can read more on her here. It was the second Blog post I ever wrote.

She lived another four years. I had her for 16 years. The vet thinks bringing the puppy into her life made the difference. And it gave me more time. Time to let her go and time for Sophie to steal my heart.

For sure this is Sophie's world and I'm just her mom. Since Nambi's death a tad over two years it's just me and her. She is for sure the queen of this castle. She just waited Nambi out; but for sure she had been waiting to be an only child.

Lawddd this girl since day one has been a handful. When she was 6 months she knocked down my 8 foot Christmas Tree with ALL my $100 ornaments I had been collecting for over 10 years. There's never a dull moment with Sophie NEVER!

Sophie and her friend Jack

She's the happiest baby in the world. She is a little socialite. I call her walks the Sophie Lewis-Thornton Social Hour. She speaks to every person and every dog no matter how big or small.

She has this way of making me LIVE!. Taking me out of myself, out of my shit, my chaos, my mind and my illness. Some days when I'm in this bed stuck in the darkness, she insists that we get up out of this bed and go to the living room and sit on the sofa and look out the picture window.

She has this way; this wonderful way of taking me out of the darkness of this disease.

So it's 7:00 am and I'm up with her. I've been up since 4:00 am. She woke me up, something is wrong. She's whining and clinging and breathing heavy and restless. Most likely it's a belly ache, I pray. But I will only be able to know for sure as the day goes on. But for sure, I'm not thinking about my shit, my nerve pain, my finances, or all the work that needs to be done in the next week before the tweet-up. At this moment, all I can only think about is being Sophie's Mommie..     BTW.. You can follow Sophie on Twitter Here...

Me and Sophie in the Ocean in Turks and Caicos