Monday Reflection: Living In Your Life!

Have you ever stopped to think about how you are living your life? No, I'm not talking about being alive, I'm talking about living. Being alive and living are two different things. Life is a gift, but living is a challenge.

 We are all faced with the challenge of living every single day. Some of us have a harder challenge than others. It seems to me that my challenges overall have been enough for two people. I struggle with the challenge of living everyday.

Like yesterday morning when I woke up. I thought about this one thing, about living; No, not being alive, but living. My health has been more than a challenge to say the least these last three months. I think I'm literally on, shit-no shit overload.

So yesterday morning I was feeling particularly bad, and my impulse was to give into what I was feeling. When I say feeling bad, this is what I was feeling, my back, lower abdominal and side is in some kind of constant pain, I'm nauseated all the time and I'm bloated beyond understanding because I'm not using the bathroom. What do I mean by bloated? Well, if I eat one egg it feels like I have eaten five. So yesterday morning that is what I was feeling. Now I knew I needed to eat so that I could take my morning medication and head to church, but I had/have no appetite and just the thought of eating makes me even more nauseated. 

So, when I woke up, I was actually aware that I was alive. I mean my body was screaming bloody murder, how could I not know? But then I was faced with how I was going to live in the life that was sitting in front of me. For the past three months I've been passing up church on Sunday morning for the comfort of my bed and the New York Times. When you are hurting physically it's easy to surrender into that pain, but yesterday there was something inside of me that wanted more for myself at that moment. So I made my way out of that bed and starting pulling myself together for church.

 Now for sure, I almost quit in the process. Every move was an effort from make-up to hair to my Spanx, but I kept right on moving. When I made it to church, already in full force, I was overwhelmed with emotion. Not just because I am alive having lived with HIV for 30 years and AIDS for 21, but because, I've not given my life over to this horrible disease. Now for sure, some days I do nothing. Right, I listen to my body and understand my limits.  But  don't you know that doing nothing is also living. Everything you do is living. From sitting still to doing jumping jacks. For me it's about living well from, what I put in my mouth to what I keep out of my month.

Yesterday, I was struggling to get to church, but something inside of me said that I needed to be there and I was right on point. I needed the hugs and laughs that I received after church. I needed Pastor Jakes sermon, "Don't Stress." All that I received yesterday was what I needed to jump start this new week in spite of the health challenges. The thing about living is choosing to live well. Self-Care and Self-Love of course being at the top of the list. I'm on a mission to get these twins Care and Love right for me. I'm grateful for the gift of life, but there is a special gratitude I have for the ability to live in my life. What I know for sure, life is a gift and living is what you do with that gift. Living is putting the gift of life into action. What are you doing with your gift of life?

Acceptance...

I was sitting at the knit shop the other day and the owner asked, "So how is speaking?" and I mumbled, "not good." We sat quiet for a while and then she said, "Maybe it's finished." That sank in like a rock on my ankle and me going down into the deep of the ocean.  She broke the silence, and the battle going on within me, "It was a good run," she said, then added," how much can you do?"

I sat allowing those last words to sink in while fighting the battle within. Her words stayed stuck in my spirit all week...into this week. The other night I got up to use the bathroom at 2:30 in the morning and I couldn't go back to sleep. I could hear my conversion with Betty all over again.

"Maybe it's finished." "It's finished," sounds so absolute. I mean for real y'all! The idea of me not speaking is scary, yet I have to be honest, it only scares me because it has been the bulk of my money for the last 20 years. It's how I have survived since giving up my career in politics when I transitioned to AIDS 21 years ago.

Now for sure, I'm not bothered by the lack of gigs when it comes to the work itself. My ministry is thriving to say the least. I've used Social Media as my platform these last 3, almost 4 years, very well. It's been an unconventional method to minister to people, but I'm not going to criticize my methodology, it works. I thank God for all the people who reach out to let me know that my work is worth the work.

My Diva Living With AIDS blog gets about 30,000 views a month. My blog is also syndicated on thebody.com, which is the largest on line HIV Resource in the country...and I'm quite popular might I add. Recently, I started syndication with Poz Magazine. com, which is the oldest, and largest HIV magazine in the country. My popularity is rising there as well. I've won two blog awards, CBS Most Valuable Blogger in Health and Wellness and WeBlack Blog Awards in Health and Wellness.

No, I don't have any big sponsors, or earn money from my blog...God knows I wish that I did, but I've accepted that it just hasn't happened, in spite of my popularity.

I have had over 190, 000 views on my Youtube  channel. I have over 8,000 followers on Twitter, my personal Facebook page has over 5, 000 followers, my Facebook fan page  has 8,100. My Instagram has 2000 followers and there are over a 1000 on Pinterest. Recently, I've expanded my question and answer chats from Twitter to Instagram and had over 90 comments/questions. I even won the British Academy Twitter Award in Public Service

So the work has been done with even a far greater reach than speaking. My reach in Social Media is far greater than standing before a single audience. For sure though, speaking around the country all those years, opened the door for me to transition how I do my work today

Now the lack of funds because of lack of gigs is something I'm still trying to make sense of. Until recently, I always had slumps, periods where speaking wasn't as good as others. For example, the summers are basically horrible because college students are mostly gone therefore programming is light, but it was never this bad. Gigs came, especially in those important times of the year for speakers. For me they are Black History Month and Women's History Month. Then on those important AIDS Days, like World AIDS Day, National Black AIDS Awareness Day, The Week of Prayer for the Healing of AIDS and Women and Girls AIDS Awareness day.  For sure I would speak all week.

From My Poz Blog

Over the years I prepared for that 3 month summer slump, but generally speaking, I didn't prepare myself to live. I was so sick back in the day that their was no expectation to live. I mostly moved in that space called life, day-to- day, watching death taunt me. This is also how I treated my finances, day to day.

I saved zero that means nothing. Back then, people with AIDS were selling their life insurance policies, money markets and condo's because they saw no life in their future. What was the point of having the things that represented a future when the AIDS had declare your future to be futile. Remember, the life expediency for AIDS was 3 years.

What was the point of saving with death staring you in the face? Then I didn't die and it became clear that I needed to get a grip. So about 13-14 years ago I started to be more thoughtful about money. I started to save. But by then this cycle had begun and I seemed to be stuck in the spin.

Something would happen, gigs would dry up yet again and my saving would eventually go to nothing. Like after 9/11. It was wired. The gigs that were on the books stayed in the few months following 9/11. But then no new gigs came. That was a year long painful slump before I knew it my saving was at nothing and I had to declare bankruptcy..

In the last 7 years I've watched this down spiral of my speaking engagements in disbelief. It's been dismal, and more dismal. I went from 2-5 a month to 5-8 a year. I've lamented this over and over in so many ways.

It's been a humbling thing selling my clothes, handbag and shoes to live. But then I learned that you don't need as much as you think you need. Seven years ago I moved from my 3 bedroom apartment into a studio. Lord, Lord that was some humbling stuff for two years. Then I was blessed with a one bathroom up the street same landlord. Honestly, I love my little place. Its perfect for me and Sophie. The point is, I've learned to adapt to what this new way of life looks like. 

Honestly, not having money is one thing, but not doing the work is another. Betty's declaration to me, "It is finished," has stayed stuck. God has a funny way of speaking to you and if you stay still long enough you can hear.

As I lay in bed thinking I gotta get up and get to CrossFit in a few hours and I can't be tried, God quiet the noise in my head and spoke to my spirit. Well,  honestly, I've been getting answers all week long. My girlfriend Veronica text me, "God is doing something new." I responded, "YESS I accept that," but I really didn't. That text came 5 hours before Betty declared it is finished. If I had accepted it, then Betty's declaration would have been conformation, not confrontation in my spirit.

Then yesterday when I woke up I had these comments on my Instagram and yet again God was speaking. Actually through my Instagram God had been speaking all week long, loud and clear, "Your ministry won't be over until you are dead and gone to glory Rae!" For sure God calls, God equips and God opens every door that you are supposed to go through. 

I am coming to some acceptance this week. I'm not saying that I won't speak again, I am saying that at 51 years of age having spoken at hundreds of colleges and university's, church's and high schools maybe it has run its course in this particular way.

Plus, the road is a hard life. I mean it really is, plane to hotel then back to the plane. Early morning flights, late nights and you are always on. The road don't stop until you make it back to the privacy of your home.  It's a hard life, but who knows but God what the future holds. Maybe a book tour, if I can ever get this memoir revised.

What I am saying is that I'm going to stop begrudging the fact that I am not speaking and embrace the fact that I'm doing the work every single day through social media, every tweet, every facebook post, every pinterest, every Instagram post and every single blog I write is doing the work. I don't know how many times God gotta show me.

At the end of the day, while I seem to be working on little, I never go hungry. I have the bracelet business and sales always come in the nick of time. I just finished the fall line a they are at the photographers. I'm working on ideas to expand my brand with my knitting. I never stop thinking y'all. My website/blog is getting a facelift.

If I stop thinking, moving and doing, I'm sure that I will die. Then I have a few really wonderful friends that help with the slack and now this Give Forward Life Fund. Whatever we raise I will be grateful, for sure, it will be more than what I got. Sometimes we have to accept where we are in life. Happiness comes with acceptance. And at the end of the day, the death of one thing, becomes the birth of another. Think about it this way, when Jesus was dying on the Cross, the last words He mumbled were, "It is finished." His accepting death, gave us life.  Now, that's the ultimate example of acceptance!

Post Script: If you would like to learn more about my Give Forward Life Fund Click Here. If you would like to donate to my GiveForward Life fund Click Here

Sex, Self-Respect and Loneliness...

I haven't been on a date in about 3 years. *Sigh* I haven't had sex in, ummm, like 4 years. *double sigh* Now don't go getting super-saved on me. Like who doesn't want the feel good of sex? Shoot, the experts say the more sex you have, the longer you live.  Sex is a great benefit to life. The End!

In all honesty, while I haven't had any opportunities for dates, I've had more than my share of opportunities for sex. Nope, I haven't found any men who want to take me out to have a wonderful dinner and make me laugh with great conversation lately. And the last one that took me out for a wonderful dinner and great conversation was on some bullshit. I've had to learn that a wonderful dinner and great conversation don't always add up. I'm so glad I didn't let him bed me. For sure everything I've learned about him since that date has been disappointing to say the least. So don't get a great date confused with love.

For sure in these last 4 years I've had plenty to ask to bed me and thus, spend a wonderful time getting lost in ecstasy. I opted out. Well, the last man that bedded me was married. Yes, I said married! Child please, that Negro was all of that and before he ever touched me I was so deep in it that it took God to pull my ass out of that it. Now that one is COMPLICATED? I touched on it in another blog and got unfollowed on Twitter ... self-righteous black women. Or maybe scared black women. If you are married, then I've become your enemy because you now know that I'm at least capable of bedding a married man and most importantly, that a married man is willing to have sex with me knowing that I have HIV/AIDS. You can read that blog HERE.  

Now, he was living with his wife when I met him, but he left her and we became a new family. Then he left me and then he came back and then he left again. RIGHT, it took God to get me out of that one. His mother and sister still love me, and I them, but at the end of the day I'm glad God did for me what I wasn't able to do for myself. GET ME OUT! 

Ok, so now that you have some back-ground, lets tackle the right now. I think my dating problem is simple, I don't really go to many places where the opportunity arises to meet men. I just spend an awful lot of time alone. Not by design, but by design. Let me explain. It's not that I want to isolate myself, it's just that I've never been a club/bar girl. Even in my twenties I didn't do much in the way of partying. I don't drink, basically because I don't like the taste of alcohol. So with no need to visit clubs or bars, that particular way of meeting men has been ruled out for me most of my life. The other thing is, I'm a really overly serious gal, I say that to say, I'm not so much of a frivolous conversation gal. So how men approach me on the top end determines the length of the conversation.

So I do spend a lot of time alone. Some of this is only child syndrome. I even learned to play Monopoly by myself. The other end of this is my health. I spend a lot of time managing my health hit after hit. When I'm down I'm down and when I'm trying to make it back up I'm spending my time playing catch up with work, blogs and bracelets. Often times it takes a lot to get it through the day so I don't want to rock the boat and make matters worst by hanging out because often times there is still work to be done. If I hang out too tough, then I'm wiped out the next day and then there goes work. But then where does a girl go to meet men when she isn't into the bar scene, Starbucks? Humm, now that's an idea so don't be surprised if I tweet I'm having tea in Starbucks, LOL. But ummm for real, for real.

Now, the sex thing is easy but hard at the same time. Yes, I want to have sex. I like sex. I happen to not be an uptight gal. I enjoy every minute from the beginning, the foreplay that begins with the mind right down to the orgasm. Remember, I did say that I'm a serious gal, so if the mind is not stimulated my body will not respond. I don't care how good looking a man is. I much prefer brilliant and well dress any day over fine. And shit, honestly, I want to be the one looking in the mirror all the time, for real, for real. 

My starting point is important, but most importantly, I just ain't giving any more men my innermost self in chances where my self-respect is lost. There is no sex worth my self-respect. FACT! This means what it means; I'm not giving myself up at any cost, so I keep myself to myself. Plus, I've been fucking since I was 13 years old and at 51, I'm not lacking in the sex department. And let me go there, I'm not scared to pleasure myself; and keep your super-saved opinions to yourself. The Bible does not mention masturbation. I prefer to love myself while loving myself then to give myself to a men who do not appreciate my worth. 

Now, for sure it has taken me years to get to this place and I'm not going to sacrifice this growth on a fuck. Now my ex, the one that was married understood my worth, the problem was he didn't understand his worth. The End! But if I had to do it over again, ummm I ain't gonna lie, I'll do it over again with him. But only at the beginning, because now that I understand who he is, I could never go back. For sure that was a painful lesson to learn, even in love. My bottom line, you have to love yourself more than you love him. That was almost lost in that relationship. Thank God for almost.

With all of this stuff I know about me, being a loner, being serious about life, maintaining my health, loving me more than idea of having a man, all of this, the sum total of who I am, for sure has to be factored into my dating life or lack thereof. For sure I'm lonely, but at sometimes more than others. But I will never, ever jeopardize the love that I have for myself. I want to die liking me, not loathing me.

I wonder if I expand my dating boundaries to men of other races how that would work. Now for those of you who don't know, I'm plain old mulatto, that means for me that my mama is white and my daddy is black. So technically I would only be dating the other half of my race, but that's another topic. I'm not sure if I subconsciously keep myself closed to the idea because, at 51, I'm still stuck somewhere with how white men typically approach black women, or should I say ME, back in the day, either as a whore, or my "white side" was in some way appearing. They would say stuff like, "So who's white in your family?" For sure that's a freaking turn off to a black woman reading Dr. Martin Luther King's, "Why We Can't Wait" and Stokely Carmichael's "Black Power" at 18. 

So here I am, 51 years of age and lonely. I'll keep you posted on that Starbucks idea *wink*