Monday Reflection: Everyone Has A Purpose!

Washington Post Picture of Me

Some people live a lifetime and never really know their purpose in life. While others second guess themselves every step of the way; And others know in their hearts that their life should take one direction, but the fear of failure or of what people might say stops them in their tracks.

I've never been one of those people. From the very beginning things seemed to fit into place. Early in my life, I knew Social Justice work was what I was supposed to do. I had a well laid out plan and the overachiever in me didn't miss one beat, or so I thought. But when I made a transition to AIDS almost 20 years ago, the bottom fell out of my world as I knew it.

 I saw my career as a national political organizer slip away from me and there was nothing I could do. The type of high powered  political work I did required 10, 12 and even 14 hour days, but AIDS was not having it. The fatigue that I experienced was all consuming and most days, it took everything I had to wash my body and my work became sub-standard.

I went into a deep depression and  mourning for all I had known since I was 19 years old. But God always has a plan. The Bible says, "Man Plans, Then God Plans." I know this to be true in my life and I also believe it's true for every single person on the planet. Everyone has a purpose! EVERYONE!!

The problem is, we either don't believe or we are too afraid to step out there. I remember my journey like it was yesterday. I got a call from a person who wanted me to go speak at a high school and I told him, "NO!" Not really taking no for an answer, he convinced me to call the teacher and at least hear her out. I also told her, "NO!" Stand before young people and tell them I have AIDS, "They must be crazy I thought." I had just started telling my friends. But this teacher would not take no for an answer and before I hung up, I was scheduled to speak at her school for two days.

Those two days were magical; And at the end of the second day, a young girl came up to me and said, "Ms. Lewis, I know you said you're not a public speaker, but you shouldn't stop, because the Lord is using you." Now y'all know I looked at that child like she was crazy. In my head I said, "What the hell this baby know about the Lord using somebody."

But after that day, I just couldn't shake it. I thought about those young people every single day for about three weeks. Often times we hear God speaking to us, even sometimes in small ways but we ignore it. Yep! But I couldn't shake this from my spirit and honestly, talking about it was the only joy I had in months. My sad face lit up every time I talked about those two days. I knew in my heart that God was trying to tell me something.

I became still in that space where God speaks to us. For you it could be in the shower, but for me it's in the early morning. And one morning it was as if God had sat at my bed side and spoken to me in the flesh. Tell your story, my daughter there is healing in your story. And I promise you, I called my boss before I dressed and asked for a meeting.

I was working for a mayoral candidate at the time. I was  second in charge and very well paid. But if the truth be told, I was barely hanging in. Some mornings I could barely get out of bed from the fatigue.

That day, I quit my well-paying job, with no new speaking engagements, no brochure and truthfully no direction on how to even get another gig. Some of you would have asked God to show you another sign. Stepping out on faith is scary.

Of course people thought that I had lost my mind and said so. Even my boyfriend at the time didn't approve. I thought for sure he would be on board and support me. I mean, he was a principal and was always looking for ways to empower young people.  I was sure that he would be my main resource, connecting me to his colleagues. But instead, he said you me, "Why would you want to tell young people all of your business?" And when that didn't deter me, he said, "You know young people are mean. You couldn't pay me enough to do that. They will not be nice to you Rae."

Damn! I was so shattered. That's why you have to be careful who you tell your dreams to. People will bust your bubble, out of a whole host of reasons, from jealousy to even fear that somehow your  new life will meet up with theirs. That was his issue. What he really meant was "Why would you tell my business?" Speaking publicly about having AIDS would mean that everyone would finally know that he had been dating a woman with AIDS for the last 4 years. But I  didn't let him stop me. And as I ventured into this new thing,  I started to clean house from the things on my desk to the people in my life.

Remember this, everyone can't be on that journey with you. NOPE! Some people you have to leave right where you found them. While everything ain't meant for everybody, I wouldn't let anybody stop me from that thing that God has for me. Everyone has a purpose, but you are the one that must put God's purpose into action. This I know for sure,  As long as you sit still, so will your purpose. There is Joy in Fulfilling One's Purpose. It is God's reward for your action. 

Magic, HIV and Me: A Retrospective! Part Two

Ron stood frozen as I rambled on. He was a gentle man with a big heart and a solid commitment to what was right and fair in the world. That was one of the reasons I had chosen to tell him my HIV status. I knew in my heart that there would be no judgment. Part One Click Here

But I started to get nervous as he stood there with this poker face that I could not read, so I decided to quit while I was ahead. I finally said, "Can you help me?" and took a deep breath and waited.  Ron said to me, "I'm so sorry Rae, but we will take care of you." I exhaled. I didn't know what that meant but the compassion in his eyes said that it would be ok. He said, "I want you to call Mardge Cohen, she's Gordy Schiff's wife. You know Gordy, just get there number off the list." I did know Gordy, he was a member of the board Physician For A National Health Program and another good man with a commitment to what was right and fought for it.

I needed to get my courage up again so I took a moment before I made that call. I remember it like yesterday. The fear of having to say that I had HIV yet again was overwhelming. I couldn't image how Magic had stood on national television and disclosed his HIV status. "He must be crazy," I thought,  I started to sweat under my clothes as the phone rang. "Hello, Hello," I could hear the voice on the other end, "Hello may I speak to Mardge Cohen," I said. "This is she." "Hi My name is Rae Lewis and I'm the Field Director of PNHP and Ron Sable said I should call." She said, "Un huh," I continued, "I have HIV and the doctors at NIH said I should get on new medications."

She wasted no time and interrupted me before I went any further. "Come see me on Wednesday at the Women and Children HIV Clinic at County, Ok?, "ok," I said. "I'll see you Wednesday," and before I knew it she was gone.

So here Magic was telling the world he had HIV and I was hoarding my infection like it was my last dime.  Just the thought of having to tell one more person was too much for me. And going to an AIDS clinic scared the hell out of me. I was afraid that someone may recognize me and then my secret would really be out. But what I failed to realize was that every single woman in the clinic was also infected.  But that didn't matter to me in those early days.

I went to the clinic on my lunch hour  that day and after I registered I stood in the corner so no one would talk to me. My infection was none of your business. I couldn't image why Magic told the world. "That's his shit," I said to myself, "I will not become the talk of anyone's town or beauty shop."

That day Mardge told me that I had AIDS. She is always so matter of fact. "You have AIDS, and you need to start treatment." And then she said to me,  "You are depressed and I'm gonna get you on an antidepressant." I looked at this woman like she had lost her mind.  The balls that she had for such a little woman. She was so freaking bossy and matter of fact. Who the hell does she think she is all I thought, as she talked to me.

I left that clinic and sat in the pharmacy for 5 hours to get my medication filled. I was in such shock the wait  didn't even matter.  Plus, this was free medication, beggars can't complain about a darn thing. That day I went from 3 pills a day to 23 pills a day. Not only was I given new HIV medication, but medication to prevent me from getting opportunist infections.

After I got my medication, I went home and went to bed and I stayed there until Monday morning. Yes, I didn't go to work the rest of that week. I didn't answer my telephone and I didn't leave the house.

I have AIDS... was all I could think about. I thought I was never going to get AIDS. I wondered what was Magic's T-Cell count? Did he have AIDS to or was he just HIV infected?  That day I was forced  to live in a new reality.

Having HIV is one thing, but having AIDS was another ball game. Once you have HIV you always have HIV because it never leaves the body, but AIDS was the death sentence back then. The life expectancy was 3 years for a person living with AIDS. So a part of me wanted to know if Magic was dying, just like me. I wondered if Magic had a magic pill because he was rich that I couldn't get because I was just a serious working woman.

So for me, Magic's HIV status  started to have more questions than marvel. I wasn't impressed with everyone's new understanding that HIV was a non-discriminatory disease. Shit, I had been living  proof of that now for 8 years. I wanted to know what would keep me alive. I wanted to know if his infection was in anyway different from my infection. If his medications were different from mine and if I could possibly get my hands on what he had.

But all that I wanted to know  became a well-kept secret and honestly I resented him for that. How dare he become so public with his HIV status yet remaine so private. I felt betrayed. While he had brought attention to HIV and the need for prevention on one hand, on the other hand,  as a person living with HIV, he left so many unanswered questions.

In time, his need and right to privacy would also raise not only doubt and confusion for  me but also a lot people. I'm just being honest. As I rose to fame as  an AIDS Activist two years later, I would have to answer the hard questions that people had about Magic's HIV status in my speaking engagements. I jokingly say, he should pay me for cleaning up his mess.

It went something like this....

To Be Continued.. Part Three Next Week...
Part One Click Here

Post Script: Mardge Cohn is the founder of the Women and Children HIV Clinic at Cook County Hospital. She remained my doctor for 19 years until she and Gordy retired from County and moved out of state. To read a blog about our special relationship click here Part One Turning Point... Part Two Turning Point

Ron Sable was one of the founders of the AIDS Clinic and AIDS Ward at County Hospital and the first openly Gay person to run for Alderman in the City of Chicago. What I didn't know that day, was Ron was also living with AIDS. He died a couple years later. His work and commitment to social justice will never be forgotten.

A Moral Dilemma: Where Do You Stand?

I sat glued to the television last night as Penn State students rioted over Joe Parneto's firing.

As an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse, I sat in disbelief. The primary question was, why would they support Paterno over such a scandal as this?

But I had to remove myself from the equation and really see what was going on. I got to tell you, this for me is one moral dilemma just all the way around. Typical of me, I did some reading because the television doesn't say it all. I still have yet to read the court affidavits on the actual charges on Sandusky, but make no mistake I will read them just as I did in the Eddie Long Case.

If you've been on Planet Mars the last few days, or you are still trying to make sense of it all, let me fill you in. Jerry Sandusky was a Defensive Coach at Penn State and has been arrested for years of sexual molestation of boys.

 It was revealed that the legendary Coach Joe Paterno was informed about Sandusky's abuse of a child in the locker rooms.  A graduate student saw Sandusky having anal sex with a boy of about 10 years old in the shower and the next day he went to Parneto home to inform him of what he saw.

Paterno reported the abuse internally to the Athletic Director, who reported it to the Senior Vice President of Business and Finance for the university and it seems that it never went any further.  The graduate student who originally reported it is now on the coaching staff for Penn State football team.  So at least four people with a long-term relationship with the university knew that Sandusky was a pedophile.

To date,  Curly, the athletic Director and Schultz the V-P who knew resigned. Paterno and the President of the university have been fired.  The graduate student is still a member of the althelic staff.

Honestly, there was a part of me that felt sad for Paterno. He has an awesome record at Penn State, not just about football but with promoting excellence in education among the students. At 84 years old having spent 61 years of his life at Penn State this has got to be a blow for him. Emotionally how does one recover from this abrupt ending? He has spent most of his life at Penn State. It is all that he knows and it has been taken away in a blink of an eye. But he clearly played a role in his demise.

My ethics teacher in seminary would put  Penn State and Paterno on the table and ask, should they have allowed him to finish the year and retire?  Just as we ask, should he have been fried right away for not reporting this to the police. You have to ask,  what does the Board of Trustees know that has not been said? That was the primary question I have?  There was clearly a cover up, was it spoken or unspoken?  The question must be asked, given Paterno's power at Penn State. It is impossible for me to believe that he didn't know how it all played out, which was basically no action.  And why wouldn't he take action if they didn't; That is inexcusable!!!

But the larger question  and my bottom line, What About The Children? As I began to understand the case it saddened me to know that the children were failed. There were so many chances to STOP Sandusky not just at Penn State, but also with the authorities. Read this timeline below, it's deep. A janitor saw Sandusky performing Oral Sex on a child and he told his immediate supervisor at Penn State and other employees and NO one reported it.

One mother reported it to the university police. In the end, the State Police, the University Police and the Pennsylvania Department of Public Welfare knew as early as 1998 and Centre County District Attorney Ray Gricer failed to charge Sandusky. They all knew and did nothing!

If any of these people still have jobs in the same area's, they also need to be fired. Understand this, so many people knew and did NOTHING. And when a mother tried to get help for her child the system failed her. Given the power of Penn State,  I wonder if Sandusky had no prominent position at the university would this had been handled differently?

And then, the children knew that adults knew but did NOTHING to help them. It's being victimized all over again. When adults  tell children to tell and you do nothing, what should children then believe and trust?

 When adults see it happening for themselves and do nothing how should a child feel? No one cared enough to help them. I remember when I told my mother that her husband was grabbing on me, she said, "Bitch I'm not gonna let you fuck up my shit." How does one recover from double victimization? Where do children go when those who should protect them don't?

Yes this one will go down in the history books. And while I understand the students love of Joe. I also understand the years that it takes to recover from this trauma of being raped as a child and also no one coming to help you.  Each of us gotta weight this out with our own understanding and ethic. But heart is heaviest most today for the Children

And for the record if I see an adult raping a child I'm going to pick up the nearest thing I can that will hurt they ass and hit and hit, and then call the police!

Jerry Sandusky Sexual Abuse Timeline as we know it Today. Source CBS.com

A chronological look at the case against former Penn State assistant football coach Jerry Sandusky, based on a grand jury report in Pennsylvania state court. Some key dates in Penn State football history are included. Sandusky has been charged with 40 criminal counts, accusing him of serial sex abuse of minors.

1969: Jerry Sandusky starts his coaching career at Penn State University as a defensive line coach.

1977: Jerry Sandusky founds The Second Mile. It begins as a group foster home dedicated to helping troubled boys and grows into a charity dedicated to helping children with absent or dysfunctional families.

January 1983: Associated Press voters select Penn State as college football's national champion for the 1982 season.

January 1987: Associated Press voters select Penn State as college football's national champion for the 1986 season.

1994: Boy known as Victim 7 in the report meets Sandusky through The Second Mile program at about the age of 10.

1994-95: Boy known as Victim 6 meets Sandusky at a Second Mile picnic at Spring Creek Park when he is 7 or 8
years old.

1995-96: Boy known as Victim 5, meets Sandusky through The Second Mile when he is 7 or 8, in second or third grade.

1996-97: Boy known as Victim 4, at the age of 12 or 13, meets Sandusky while he is in his second year participating in The Second Mile program.
1996-98: Victim 5 is taken to the locker rooms and showers at Penn State by Sandusky when he is 8 to 10 years old.
Jan. 1, 1998: Victim 4 is listed, along with Sandusky's wife, as a member of Sandusky's family party for the 1998 Outback Bowl.

1998: Victim 6 is taken into the locker rooms and showers when he is 11 years old. When Victim 6 is dropped off at home, his hair is wet from showering with Sandusky. His mother reports the incident to the university police, who investigate.

Detective Ronald Schreffler testifies that he and State College Police Department Detective Ralph Ralston, with the consent of the mother of Victim 6, eavesdrop on two conversations the mother of Victim 6 has with Sandusky. Sandusky says he has showered with other boys and Victim 6's mother tries to make Sandusky promise never to shower with a boy again but he will not. At the end of the second conversation, after Sandusky is told he cannot see Victim 6 anymore, Schreffler testifies Sandusky says, "I understand. I was wrong. I wish I could get forgiveness. I know I won't get it from you. I wish I were dead."

Jerry Lauro, an investigator with the Pennsylvania Department of Public Welfare, testifies he and Schreffler interviewed Sandusky, and that Sandusky admits showering naked with Victim 6, admits to hugging Victim 6 while in the shower and admits that it was wrong.

The case is closed after then-Centre County District Attorney Ray Gricar decides there will be no criminal charge.

June 1999: Sandusky retires from Penn State but still holds emeritus status.

Dec. 28, 1999: Victim 4 is listed, along with Sandusky's wife, as a member of Sandusky's family party for the 1999 Alamo Bowl.

Summer 2000: Boy known as Victim 3 meets Sandusky through The Second Mile when he is between seventh and eighth grade.

Fall 2000: A janitor named James Calhoun observes Sandusky in the showers of the Lasch Football Building with a young boy -- known as Victim 8 -- pinned up against the wall and performing oral sex on the boy. He tells other janitorial staff immediately. Fellow Office of Physical Plant employee Ronald Petrosky cleans the showers at Lasch and sees Sandusky and the boy, who he describes as being between the ages of 11 and 13.

Calhoun tells other physical plant employees what he saw, including Jay Witherite, his immediate supervisor. Witherite tells him to whom he should report the incident. Calhoun was a temporary employee and never makes a report. Victim 8's identity is unknown.

March 1, 2002: A Penn State graduate assistant enters the locker room at the Lasch Football Building. In the showers, he sees a naked boy, known as Victim 2, whose age he estimates to be 10 years old, being subjected to anal intercourse by a naked Sandusky. The graduate assistant tells his father immediately.

March 2, 2002: In the morning, the graduate assistant calls coach Joe Paterno and goes to Paterno's home, where he reports what he has seen.

March 3, 2002: Paterno calls Tim Curley, Penn State athletic director, to his home the next day and reports a version of what the grad assistant had said.

March 2002: Later in the month the graduate assistant is called to a meeting with Curley and Senior Vice President for Finance and Business Gary Schultz. The grad assistant reports what he has seen and Curley and Schultz say they will look into it.

March 27, 2002 (approximate): The graduate assistant hears from Curley. He is told that Sandusky's locker room keys are taken away and that the incident has been reported to The Second Mile. The graduate assistant is never questioned by university police and no other entity conducts an investigation until the graduate assistant testifies in Grand Jury in December 2010.

2005-2006: Boy known as Victim 1 says that meets Sandusky through The Second Mile at age 11 or 12.
Spring 2007: During the 2007 track season, Sandusky begins spending time with Victim 1 weekly, having him stay overnight at his residence in College Township, Pa.

Spring 2008: Termination of contact with Victim 1 occurs when he is a freshman in a Clinton County high school. After the boy's mother calls the school to report sexual assault, Sandusky is barred from the school district attended by Victim 1 from that day forward and the matter is reported to authorities as mandated by law.

Early 2009: An investigation by the Pennsylvania attorney general begins when a Clinton County, Pa. teen boy tells authorities that Sandusky has inappropriately touched him several times over a four-year period.

September 2010: Sandusky retires from day-to-day involvement with The Second Mile, saying he wants to spend more time with family and handle personal matters.

Nov. 5, 2011: Sandusky is arrested and released on $100,000 bail after being arraigned on 40 criminal counts.

Nov. 7, 2011: Pennsylvania Attorney General Linda Kelly says Paterno is not a target of the investigation into how the school handled the accusations. But she refuses to say the same for university President Graham Spanier. Curley and Schultz, who have stepped down from their positions, surrender on charges that they failed to alert police to complaints against Sandusky.

Nov. 8, 2011: Possible ninth victim of Sandusky contacts state police as calls for ouster of Paterno and Spanier grow in state and beyond. Penn State abruptly cancels Paterno's regular weekly press conference.

Nov. 9, 2011: Paterno announces he'll retire at the end of the season. Later in the evening, the Board of Trustees removes Paterno as head coach. Penn State President Graham Spanier is also let go.