Olde To Porn Tities...

My Porn Tities Before The Mediport!

I always thought that I had porn tities. Not the kind that are super big, but the ones that are round and shapely and lay just that certain way; easy on the eyes so to speak. Even as I've aged my breast have been the one body part I prized the most. Well, I do have pretty legs and feet, but my breast at 38 D whether covered or uncovered made a point. Then this past December  I had a medi-port place in my chest, right above my porn tities!

Somewhere the medical procedure went astray and before I left the hospital it became infected. Three days later when my home healthcare nurse took the bandage off, I was red, raw and scared up. Click Here to read about my mediport drama. You can also such Mediport on my blog for that saga.

After the First Mediport

The medi-port drama wouldn't go away to save my life. They took that port  out three weeks later then put another one in another three weeks later. Needless to say, I've been cut three times over my pretty porn tities, disrupting the flow of things.  Like my chest was the introduction to my beautiful porn tities; like for real, for real. Shoot, at 51 with AIDS a woman feels like she has got to have some physical attributes. And don't you dare tell me that I'm smart and pretty. My scared up chest was not something that I signed up for and it has been an emotional adjustment.

My Chest Now!

Now, I know this may seem like a small thing to some of you, it may even seem shadow, but I know that every woman thinks there is at least one part of her body, that is the best part, so stop judging. This is some real talk, when your body is altered because of your health, it leaves you feeling helpless and for some even hopeless.

Now in honesty, in the fullness of living with AIDS, I know that my porn tities disruption is a small thing. But for real, it has cause me some embarrassment of sorts. I took this picture on the right last week and all I could think about was the ugly scares on my chest. But then I started to think about my girlfriend Alicia who has porn tits for real for real. I mean for real! I mean, big and shapely and easy on the eyes for real for real. I mean, my 38 D cannot compare to her ummm 44D no matter how hard I wished. When I thought about her beautiful breast I felt shame for how I felt about my scares. 

Alicia Before her Surgery

In the last two months, I've watched her on Instagram, morn the lost of her beast, that is before they took her breast. Each time she posted a picture something inside of me hurt because she hurt. Each picture was like a celebration of what would be no more. Odle to real porn tities, I thought one night. 

Alicia is a  breast cancer survivor now two times. In 2009 I  watched her through surgery, chemotherapy and radiation. She never missed a beat,  for real y'all.  She never even left home without earrings or lipstick. She is my kind of Diva. Then a couple of months ago, she was diagnosed yet again. This time, they had to remove that same breast that they had cut tumors from almost four years earlier

They took her breast last week, and I've watched her new pictures on Instagram. With one breast removed she's still wearing lipstick and earrings with a smile that says I will not let you take my dignity Cancer! Follow Her on IG @Kushluvshouse13

Alicia  After Her Surgery 

While, I'm over here complaining about my scared up chest, I need to slap myself. I can't imagine the lost that she must be feeling. I wish I could change her destiny, but it is what it is.

Because of Alicia, I've been thinking a lot about breast cancer lately. How black women are often diagnosed late and that our survivor rate is less than that of white women. Go to the Black Women's Health Imperative for more information. Click Here

Self Breast Exam

I wonder why, like really, why is the survivor rate for black women with breast cancer worst than any other race?

 Some of it must be poverty, lack of access to health care and mammograms, but how much can we blame on health disparities? There are places that give free mammograms in every state. So then is it lack of information?  Or, at our base line, do Black Women think this is not our issue? Are their some cultural issues around modesty, especially for older black women? Is there an issue with the thought of someone you don't know looking and touching your breast, even in a medical setting?

Let me go a little deeper. These questions must be asked because a breast exam is free. Like I don't see the problem. We can give our own self a breast exam in the privacy of our home.

 I remember after Mrs. Jacqueline Jackson  the wife of Rev. Jesse L. Jackson, Sr., her sister to breast cancer, she kept a fake breast on the table. Every woman that entered her home, she made them touch it. People had thought she had gone mad. But I got it! She had lost her sister and only if  the cancer had been caught early, her sister would've  been sitting around that table with her.

Alicia After Her Surgery

Ok, so we won't touch our own breast in the privacy of our home, but we will let a man suck, bite, squeeze,  gnaw, grab and some even let man cum on their breast. I don't get it, but yet in the privacy of our home, we still can't touch our own breast.

Some of you will even have contempt for the pictures in this blog. I don't get it. We are so fucking self-righteous that we can't even take care of ourselves.

Maybe you think you are to young to get breast cancer. Well, I've known women in in their thirties.  Furthermore, you need to start giving yourself breast exams early so you can learn the shape of your breast, so if there is a shift, you will recognize it.

Breast Cancer is a woman's issue and we need to be addressing it in our organizations, in our homes and among our girlfriends. How old is your mother? Have you asked her when she had her last mammogram?

There is something for all of us to do. It's not enough to Pin A Sister with a pink ribbon. We need to touch our breast, and we need to make sure that the women in our life are touching their breast. You can Click Here to watch a video on how to do a self-breast exam.  Click Here for help locating a place for free mammograms. Chicago has a great program for free mammograms, Click Here for details.

Change starts with you. Unfortunately for Alicia, even though the cancer was discovered early, it came back, which is sometimes the case. Now, as I complain about the scars on my chest, I watch her deal with the lost of a breast. She will have reconstructed surgery in a few months, until then I watch and I pray. On Social Media, she tells her story, she challenges the stigma and shame around the lost of a breast, of course wearing lipstick, earring and  RLT Collection bracelets, but only God knows her real pain. 

Monday Reflection: Gratitude-In Spite Of!

I heard the birds singing and I opened one eye to see if the sun was out. I could barely move from exhaustion from the BlogHer Conference and the nerve pain medication that I'm taking, which makes me groggy, but as I lay in bed this morning my heart was filled with gratitude. I could hear and see and in spite of my exhaustion and pain level, I could even move. I opened both eyes to check on my baby girl, and Sophie was buried in the pillows next to me sleeping like a wild child and probably happy to be home from the four night stay in the hotel this past week.

I checked my phone for the time, it was 5:30 A. M. and I crawled out of bed to use the bedroom. As I laid back down I remembered out the blue the time I woke up in a hotel room and I couldn't walk. I had to crawl to the bathroom and back to the bed. I was on the road planning to speak at the University of Illinois in Champaign and overnight, I developed Herpes Zoster (Shingles). The pain was so intense walking was near impossible. It was an event for Delta Sigma Theta Sorority, Inc. and I was determined to not leave my "Sorors" hanging. My doctor wanted me to come home immediately, but with a hard head and determination I stayed.

By that evening I had sores from the top of my butt to the bottom of my feet. My Godchild, Toi,  took the bus down to be with me and that night she had to help me get dress. That night I stood by the grace of God for almost two hours in 4 inch heels. Toi drove me back to Chicago, me laid out in the back seat of my car. When we arrived home in the middle of the night, I had to crawl up the two flights of stairs to get to my apartment and crawl back down that morning to go to the doctor. Recovery took over a month. I couldn't walk and morphine was the only thing that relieved my pain.

No matter how I look, or how active I seem to people, I understand clearly, with AIDS you can get hit from nowhere and it is what it is. Most days I get hit actually, it's just some days I get hit harder than others. Somedays I smile through it, other days I cuss through it.

Because this life of AIDS is unpredictable, I never take it for granted. Now don't be confused, there are days when I think I've had enough. Days when I want to cuss, fuss and rant through it and do, and a smile is foreign to my face. Days when I want to say enough is enough. 

Like these past three weeks on IV medication, I was so sick I couldn't  think straight and I had a funky attitude to go right along with how I was feeling. People don't understand the drama one is faced when a medication that is making you better in one area but it also makes you so sick in another. For sure, for me there is a hopelessness I feel. Its like being stuck between a rock and a hard place. Especially when I have no control. It makes you lose perspective, the larger picture.

Yet at the end of the day, I understand that life is a blessing. I get it! I'm alive!  This is my life, my struggle, but yet I still have gratitude.

So this morning when I heard the birds signing, telling me that it was a new day, I was overwhelmed in my heart and my spirit. 

Today, I had perspective and with perspective, I could smile, smile because I could hear the birds singing, see my baby girl laying peacefully next to me. I could walk to the bathroom on my feet and despite all I've been through, I still have my right mind. I was filled with nothing but gratitude this morning in spite of my lie with AIDS.

Post Scrpit: I'm looking for a blog editor send your info to Rae@raelewisthonton.com

Never Doubt Your Place in this Space!!

Last year this time I was trying to scarp up money to go to BlogHer. I knew it was an important conference in the life of a blogger. Thanks to some of my biggest supporters, friends I've met through twitter, off to the Big Apple I went. I met a lot of sponsors and a lot of bloggers.

I got a lot of stuff "freebies" from companies us wanted us to blog about their product. I got a lot of helpful hits on how to make my blog better. But when I left, I had not met one person in BlogHer's leadership nor had I secured one sponsor for my blog.

In the year following the conference  I came up with some Aha Moments. For sure my blog is a serious content blog. For sure it will remain first person. My blog is my journey, my life, my opinion, my laughable moments, my good, bad and ugly. My blog is about my life, when I shit on myself and when others shit on me. I'm ok with the path that I've taken because my gift is my life. Ironically, my life has also been my curse. It's been such a painful journey for me from birth to 51, but yet God has given me that extra; the stuff that makes me keep going when I wanta quit. 

I had resolved that I may never get a sponsor and I'm ok with that. I'm ok because my blog is not about making money, it's about enriching the life's of others. I share my life with the hope that someone will keep going, will do something different, something better about their lives.

So low and behold, I was knocked out of bed one morning when I received an email from BlogHer asking me to be the closing keynote speaker for their HealthMinder Day! Shut Up!! I mean someone else thinks that what I do is worth sharing. WOW! So tomorrow I will have what's called a keynote conversation. Interviewing me in front of hundred's of bloggers will be Jeannine Harvey the Social Media director of the powerful organization Onemoms. 

We will discuss my groundbreaking work in Social Media; How I've used Social Media to advance the issues of HIV/AIDS. We will talk about how I've built my brand though my authentic, candor and transparency. I'm honored to have been asked to talk about what I do and why I do it. I've said it over and over, I came to Social Media when my speaking engagements died up with the dead economy because God still had work for me to do. Social Media was a free forum  to continue to challenge stigma around HIV, educate and give hope.

I'm proud that I've been able to grow with the 21st century I've been criticized for my candor and transparency. I've even been criticized for my overall use of Social Media. Tomorrow is worth every negative conversation about me and my work. I'm honored that BlogHer, recognizing my ground breaking use of Social Media and I'm excited about giving other bloggers some insight  on how to grow their brand through the use of Social Media. I'm honred to be among the list of keynote speakers. U. S. Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Seblius is the opening speaker.

What I know for sure is this simple. If you follow the path that God has chosen for you... God will make room for your gifts. Never doubt your place in this space called the universe.