On days like today, connected to an IV, I take a long hard look at what got me to this place and I don't like what I see. I know that I could have done something differently that would have rendered me a different outcome. That is a bitter pill to swallow that I cannot and should not avoid. For Real....
Yes, I've been told by many a therapist to give myself some slack. As the saying goes, if I knew then what I know now, clearly applies to my life. Even when I consider the fact that when I became infected with HIV, it was brand spanking new (I was infected in 1983 and CDC recorded the first cases in 1981), it does not ease the fact that I made a choice about my body. I will say it again, I could have made a different choice that would have rendered me a different outcome.
Facing your own demons is hard, facing that demon publicly is even harder. They say that you are only as sick as your secrets and I’m declaring war on anything that makes me sicker than I already am, both emotionally and physically.
So yes, I fucked and I got HIV and now I have AIDS. At the time I was young and fine and looking for someone to love me for the rest of my life. Don’t be confused, I wasn't a straight up hoe. I had requirements: Fine, Rich, Educated and Christian. I had standards for myself. No sex on the first date was at the top of the list. You know, we all got that list, everything he has to do or be or you believe him to be before you give up your innermost self.
But that stupid ass rationalization will not keep you safe. You are kidding yourself every time you lay down with a man and you think the love that you have or want to have with him will keep you safe. The choices that you make about your life each day must come out of a reality of “What I know for sure.” Anything beyond that is Russian roulette.
I know this so very well, when you make decisions out of how you want it to be, rather than what it really is, you leave yourself vulnerable for tragedy and hurt. I have to face this demon head on... over and over again if I am ever going to have any inner peace. In many 12 step programs, you are constantly re-working the steps to help you be a better person to yourself and everyone around you. So I face this demon head on yet again today.