So I was in one crappy ass mood all day yesterday. I mean with the sun shining through my picture window, it still seemed like darkness had invaded my living room, my heart, my mind and the very essence of who I am. And then in the middle of telling my male friend, in so many words, I didn't really want to hear about his bad day or week, shit my day is bad and getting ready to get worse. Yep, on Tuesday I'm going on IV medication for the eleventh time in 3 1/2 years, to treat this damn drug resistant, aggressive ass herpes that AIDS won't let me fight off.
I was like are you fuckin kiddin me? Huh? Don't you see that I need you? Then he said to me, "Stop it! Many people see your fight and your strength during this fight and say, if she can fight that then she can fight and handle anything with ease. I have been guilty of that with you from time to time."
I just broke down and cried... I cried for the truth of that statement and I cried because these truths didn't take away my pain... I cried for the woman who's pain is a Living Testament to God's Word. I cried because my pain cannot be changed, but lives can be changed through my pain.
And then I started to really think about my friend. He is going through some challenges now and I have been his number one cheerleader, that is, when I'm not bitching about my shit. But I came to this place of peace and understanding after a good Cry, Tea, a More Black and White Cupcake and Godiva Truffles My life is a ministry in it's entirely! While I want private space and should have private space, ministry does not mean that you shut down in that private space. If you can't minister to those closest to you, then who can you minister to?
There was never a time when Jesus didn't minister. Remember, after he preached to the five thousand, the Disciples wanted to send them away. The people all tired and hungry and the Disciples didn't want the responsibility, but Jesus didn't give it a second thought. After he had fed their spirits he fed their stomachs. And the text never said that Jesus and the Disciples ate with the multitude. He must have been hungry and tired too, remember this was Jesus in His human form.
So as I go into this next 4-6 week journey on this IV medication, which will surely attack both my body and my spirit, I will remember that my pain cannot be changed... but lives can be changed through my pain.