Yep, I left the Right Reverend's little town all in love, but what I didn't know was a freight train was gonna hit my ass. I should have followed my first mind. I knew in my heart of heart that this shit didn't feel right. I knew it, but I didn't want to be alone, especially with HIV.
The Right Reverend was so accepting of my HIV status, I wanted to believe that my best interest would be a priority. I wanted to believe my best interest would be severed all the way around. Well let me tell you, just because a man is great in one area does not mean he will be great in another area. Nope.
I shook it off, but only for a little while. A few hours later I called back to the hotel and he still wasn't in. I hung up but I couldn't shake it. Where was he so late? Now, this was way before cell phones. I went to bed, but I just couldn't shake it, "Where the hell was he at this hour," I kept asking myself? This was so out of our norm. I went to bed but I couldn't sleep. I just laid there, numb. Then I remembered when I called the hotel, the city name sounded familiar. I thought about it long and hard, and then it hit me, I saw on those letters in his apartment. Yep the ones I found in his closet.
I needed to know... I needed to know!!!! So I picked up the telephone again and asked for directory assistance in this small town. Yall they didn't have this universal directory assistance back then; Times have really changed.
So I called and I asked for the listing of the woman's name that I remembered seeing on the letter. She had a number. I wrote it down and then I fell to the floor. Lawd, this cannot be happening to me. This cannot be happening to me. He was the best thing since sliced bread and he certainly was the best thing, so I thought, since I learned that I was HIV positive. But the bread had molded and now I had to decide if I was gonna keep it or throw that shit away.
After I had finished my tea, I made the call. Hello, I heard a woman's voice. I took a deep breath and I asked for the Right Reverend. I heard her say, "It's for you," so they must have been close. When I heard his voice my stomach dropped.
"What the fuck are you doing there?" "Rae, Rae," he was trying to calm me down. "You better get the fuck out of there and I mean now. How can you do this to me?" I yelled. He was still so calm. "I'm not going to discuss this right now,"He said. "The fuck you ain't," I hollered!
"How could you do this? I thought she was just a friend?" I asked. "She is Rae," he said calmly. "The hell she is! You don't visit your friends at 2 in the morning," I fired back! "Rae, listen I'm visiting a close friend that's all," He said. "Well you better unvisit her ass," I hollered. He finally relented. "I'm going to the hotel and I will call you from there." Fine!" I hollered and hung up the phone.
"Rae will you please calm down please?" I shut up and started to listen. He plead his case. We are just friends he explained. "But you fucked her before," I said. "Yes Rae, but I'm with you now. Baby I love you with all of my heart. Really, we were just sitting there talking." "Yeah well, why didn't you want me to call you late?" He had an answer for EVERYTHING, I mean everything.
That night we didn't resolve anything. We argued and argued about it for the next few days, but I gave in because I didn't want to lose him. He then flipped the script. Men are good at that shit. It became an issue about him being able to trust me. I had roamed through his things at home and now I'm tracking him down at other people's house. He had me on the defensive.
Yes, he said that he loved me but his actions were not matching up with his words. I knew in my heart of hearts that this was not right. He might have loved me, but I didn't like how his brand of love felt. I knew it had to come to a head. I knew I needed to get on with my life, but the fear of being alone was just too much. Fear paralyzed me to do the best thing for me. I was young with HIV and I didn't want to be alone, I just didn't.
tweeted that young lady that day about her relationship.
No one should be in a relationship that does not let you shine; that does not lift you up to be the best you can be. Bullshit ain't nothing, there is no man or woman on this planet worth your dignity!! The longer you stay in the relationship that beats you down, the more you lose of yourself, self-worth and self-esteem. You are the best thing that ever happened to you and that should always be your guiding light.
Yep, in those early days having a man in my life was the most important thing and it took more hurt and shit piled on top of me to walk away. It took a few months, but I had to let the Right Reverend go. I knew in my heart of heart who he was. Living with HIV, I didn't think I could handle anymore hurt. So I did what I had to do. I left. I left knowing that I had HIV and I ran the risk of maybe not finding another man to love me. But the fact of the matter, his brand of love hurt more than it felt good. I just had to be honest with myself at the end of the day. So I left!
We stay stuck in these unhealthy relationships because we don't want to be alone. We stay stuck because he/she is what we know and knowing what we know is better than what we don't know. What I know for sure, as long as you keep holding on to shit, you will always stink. You have to clean up and out to be the best you and to attract the best for you.