Monday Reflection: Be The Change!

It is a fact, change comes by action! A desire for change is only the beginning, at some point you have to be the change you want to see. You have to either get off the pot or piss! There is no other way.

I've learned this in my own life. No matter how hard the struggle, you have to press to the new, or the old will dominate your life, for the rest of your life. But I also know that change is not easy.

It's no secret that I have demons galore. I have blogged and talked about them very openly in my speaking engagements. Low self-esteem rooted in childhood sexual, emotional and physical abuse, left me trying to figure out what was normal and healthy. As a result, I maneuvered through life doing damage to my body, mind and spirit. I had to learn that what I thought was a normal way of life, was abnormal. But once I learned, translating that into new behaviors was not an easy task. In fact, it is easiest doing what is familiar to you. While the familiar is the safest thing to do, it is also the most destructive thing to do.

Once I figured out that some of my problems were of my own doing, it became a battle between the old and the new. Yes, it took years of therapy and prayer, but it also required action on my part.

The saying "If you take one step, God will take two," is true. But if you don't move, you give God no room to work in your life. That's the thing about free will. God gives us the option to make both bad and good decisions for our lives. What you do, with what you know, is your choice, your right.

So once I understood what healthy was, how did I actually get to this place in my life of living healthy? The saying, "When you know better, you do better," is not as easy as it seems.

It took a lot of freaking work!! It took taking chances. It took denying myself of things that I enjoyed. It took leaving some people behind. It took a profound internalization that accepting a new way of life was better than the old way, even if the old felt safe. Even if there were levels of comfort in the old.

I had to accept that the old rendered me nothing but the old. And in the old, I was destroying the person God intended for me to be. I had to stop the madness or destroy the wonderful woman that God made me to be!  

Remember the definition of insanity: "Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome." Well, that's what happens when we keep talking about wanting a different life but continue to live in the life you have, the same way you have, over and over again.

Now let me be clear, making changes in our life is not easy. It's hard as hell!!! I'm going to give you a practical example and call it a day.

Example: Last week an ex-lover texted to tell me that he missed me and wanted to get together. You can read the blog HERE to fill in the details. I asked him did he still have a wife? He said yes, and I then said, I can't go there. And that ended the texting.

Now this is the reality. My last relationship ended about a year ago. I promised him that I wouldn't talk about him publicly because he has the right to work through his demons his own way. I love and miss him and I know he feels the same way, but we CANNOT be together. It is what it is! So I'm very lonely. I miss him, but I also miss companionship and honestly, I miss being touched. (Not fucked, touched!)

Now an ex-lover, who I was with for about 5 years texted to say he wanted to be with me, if I was willing. Now, he is familiar, the chemistry is great. Like we are good together. And I know it would be a well kept secret.

Him texting me stirred up emotions at that moment. He made me remember how good we were together, it made me feel desirable. Here I am with AIDS and going through IV treatment for herpes, pretty much at a low emotional point in my life, and a man who has a wife and is "happily married" texts me to say, I want you.

Damn!! Girl you got it like that, went through my head. My ego was on 10! And then I started to think about him and in that second, how he made my toes curl. And I was honest with him--"I miss you, but I can't do it." And I wonder if I really missed him, or actually just missed being with someone. Or maybe it seemed like the next best thing at that moment because I can't be with who I want to be with. Who knows, maybe all the above.

Now, I had a few options. I could have filled some void in my life by fucking him but that would have put me right back where I was a few years ago. In those few texts I had to be HONEST with myself.

For a 30 minute fuck, I would destroy all this hard work on myself. I had to weigh the fuck verses the damage the fuck would do to me.

After the fuck, he would go back home to his wife and all I would have is a wet pussy, still be lonely and a broken spirit.

And that may lead me back to a cycle of unhealthy behavior, yet again, because I would be seeking something to fill that void. It might lead me down Michigan Ave. spending money I don't have to spend, literally bill money. Or make me break Lent and go get a dozen More Cupcakes. Or make myself vulnerable to continue to see him.

I also had to remember his history in this equation. He will fuck as often as I allow him to fuck and that is all he is willing to offer, a hard dick. It was hard. Think about it. I had to do all of this thinking lonely, vulnerable and within minutes. But I did it!!

I did that right thing for me in the long run. I didn't put myself in a situation to go back to unhealthy behavior. I won't break Lent and there is a blessing in keeping Lent. I won't spend my bill money, keeping me focused on trying to get my finances in order and out of this dreadful debt I'm in. And I didn't commit adultery, making my life and ministry a lie. Only so many times we can look to David's messed up, sinful crap as an excuse for ours.

And because of my faithfulness I put myself in a better place to be used more and more by God. But honestly, I know that God will love me in spite of me. I also know that gifts and calling comes without repentance. (It's in the word.) So at the end of the day, the most important thing is that I can look myself in the mirror and feel good about what I see. Yes, I am still lonely and at an emotional low point in my life. But at least I like myself.

Now, someone made a smart ass comment on the blog post about be being HONEST in my text about "missing him." And she said I was wrong, that I might as well go ahead and fuck him. HUH?

You CANNOT be healthy living a lie either in actions, head or heart. I had to accept my desire at that moment in order to conquer that desire. If an addict does not face that they want to "use" at that moment and take their ass to an AA meeting or call their sponsor, they will surely end up in a crack house. You cannot face your demons in a lie.

It is true, "He who conceals his disease cannot except to be cured." If you don't face ALL the truths in a situation you cannot make the best decisions for your life. I'm just grateful that God allowed me to be honest with you about what I was feeling. You cannot save lives with half-truths and misinformation. I wanta say more, but I think other people addressed her appropriately. Thank you, Lovely's!! #teamRae.

I wanted to work through this scenario for you. I wanted you to see how it plays out in real life. At any given moment we are faced with choices. What you do with your choices is up to you. God has given you the gift of free will. You can use it to be the person God intended for you to be or you can use it to destroy the gift that you are.

At some point in your life you have got to make the hard decisions about what's good, right and perfect, and what kind of life you truly want to live.

Yes, it will be hard work and no, you will never be a perfect being. Only God is perfect. But in the end, you will not only love the person that you are, you will actually like the person that you are. But one thing is for sure, if you continue to do the same thing over and over again, change will NEVER happen! Be the Change you want to see in your life!

Fat Meat Is Greasy!

I've said it more than once: If the penis ain't in your pocket, you have no idea what it's doing when it ain't with you. But many of you don't believe that Fat Meat is Greasy. Nope, you're so sure that your man/woman would NEVER step outside your relationship that you think condoms are an insult to the love that you share.

I tweet every Monday: I know that some of you had unprotected sex over the weekend and I hope and pray that what you thought you knew about your partner is true. Otherwise, literally, you were a fuckin fool.

And I know that some of you just shrug me off, "There she goes again." I know some of you love and support me and think my ministry is awesome, but still it has not translated into a change of behavior. Some of you think I'm helping the "other people" on Twitter /Facebook etc... and you see yourself as my support team. I know it because I understand human nature and because discernment is a gift I've had since I was a little girl. I'm connected to everything that intersects with me.

I keep preaching the same shit over and over again but you really don't think Fat Meat is Greasy. You really think that there is something about your love and relationship that exempts you, but in truth, the only love that will keep you safe is self-love. And don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that some of you don't have wonderful relationships, but at the end of the day, you don't really know if yours is the good one. You hope and pray, but only time will tell you the real truth. My prayer and hope for you is that time is not missed with tragedy.

I'm not gonna beat a dead horse this Fuckin Friday. I'm just gonna share with you some text messages I got yesterday from a former lover. I'm gonna give you some details, but I am not going to disclose his identity, that's not fair. I just want to paint the picture. This guy is younger than me, between 8-10 years, extremely successful, six-figure income, very well dressed, Gucci shoes and wonderful Italian suits, fine as hell, a leader in his community and married with a young child.

He was one of those "private" relationships that I had. (I've blogged about it over and over.) Being younger than me, he was always looking for his wife. He found her at the time we were seeing each other and for a while, we were in a triangle. But months before he asked her to marry him, I walked away cold. I had to do it for all of us because he never was going do it.

Over the years he has reached out, but I have stood my ground. Yesterday he texted me yet again.

Him: You forget about me?


Me: No, I didn't forget.


Him: Miss seeing you.


Me: Awww do you?


Him: You forget how much chemistry we had?


Me: I could never forget that.


****Some business texting in the middle****


Him: Now what about the other stuff :) ?


Me: You still gotta wife?


Him: Yes nigga.


Me: Well at this junction in my life, I'm practicing what I preach. Can't be talking to women about living healthy and I'm fuckin you. Believe me I do miss you!!


Him: Ha :) You were talking that before. We never had our one for the road.


Me: I guess I've grown... But I do miss you.


Him: Okay Babe. Fair, I hope you are well.

Fat Meat is Fuckin Greasy! I have HIV and herpes, he knows... He is "happily married" and he still wanta fuck! I crawled out of my sick bed today to tell you to --- Use a Fuckin Condom! Stop fuckin like your pussy and dick is made of gold and it's all that he/she will ever want! Self-Love is the Only Love that Will Keep You Safe!

There Is Hope In Tomorrow!

Yesterday when I left the clinic after getting my IV medication, I was so freaking beat down. I sat in that taxi on my way home and all I really wanted to do is cry. When I arrived at the clinic that morning at 9:00 a.m., I already had a low grade fever, and by the time I finished at 4:00 p.m., I was nauseous, dizzy, fatigued and so weak that walking was an effort. Not to mention, I'm still in pain from the actual infection. Read here about the infection. My spirit was at an all time low. When your spirit is this low, there is a hopelessness that comes over you.

I want to say that I was able to draw on my Monday's Reflection, "Remember," but I didn't have the energy to muster up an ounce of memory. All I could say was, "I know You up there." And I do know He's up there, but when you're in the midst of it, there is a loneliness that overtakes you. I'm not going to pretend that coping with hardship is easy, it's not. It's hard as hell! Some days it take everything I got to keep it together. But I'm determined to not allow AIDS to take me out of here, emotionally. I can't always control the physical, but the emotional, well that's in my domain. So for me, at different times, I muster up all that I can in different ways so that the darkness does not swallow me up. You should never just have one strategy for life's journey.

I arrived home and there my solitude began. My Sophie met me at the door, wagging that tail a mile a minute, jumping and barking to be picked up to give me all the love she can muster up. Then there is the comfort of my home. A refuge that I have created that speaks peace to my very soul. My art collection is the epicenter of my home and everything stems from there. I started collecting right at the point when I made a transition from HIV to AIDS, and each new piece has been chosen carefully over these 20 years to speak life into me. Your home should be a place of peace, it should speak life into you, not take it away.

I warmed up dinner. Thank God my girlfriend Melanie cooked dinner on Sunday and dropped it off, if she hadn't I would not have eaten. I was too beat and actually warming it up took an effort. I ate, got a cup of tea, and me and Sophie retired to the bedroom.

I gave Sophie a rawhide to keep her busy and I laid back with my pillows propped up with some beautiful agate gemstones on my lap and spent hours designing some fabulous bracelets. With each new bracelet design I started to feel alive again. For me, beading takes me away from the dark place. It reminds me that there are some good things in my life and it helps to bring me back to the light.

Beading reminds me that I'm a gifted, creative woman that has a lot to share with the world and a lot more living. I begin to imagine someone wearing one of my new designs. And that for me means that there is a tomorrow and that there is hope in tomorrow, even if today has been drowned in sorrow.

@MsKeeda Wearing RLT Collection

My bracelet designs remind me that there is a life beyond the right now. And when someone wears my bracelets, I feel as if I have given them a part of me that AIDS can NEVER take away.

So when I'm low like yesterday, I bead. And what's so incredible, I seem to do my best work when at my lowest. I've been beading a lot lately and by the way the designs are simply fabulous! Coming to the website soon. #ForReal.

I'm not saying that the pain goes away when I bead, I'm just saying that I'm reminded that there is a life worth living even in the pain. I'm saying that the beading takes me out of that dark place towards the light. We tend to be hopeless and irrational in the dark, but in the light we see more clearly and that provides perspective for the pain. And with perspective for today's pain, there is hope in tomorrow!

Postscript: Many people seek destructive ways to help ease the pain: drugs, alcohol, sex, overeating and overshopping. Those are temporary fixes to complicated problems. I remember the day when shopping was my answer for everything. With therapy and a desire to live healthy and a lot of HARD work, I have come to a good place in my life where I find solitude in a way that is healthy. I stopped shopping and God replaced the void with beading and knitting... Reading has been a place of solitude since I was a pre-teen. Find yourself a place of solitude... In solitude, there is hope in tomorrow...