I've learned this in my own life. No matter how hard the struggle, you have to press to the new, or the old will dominate your life, for the rest of your life. But I also know that change is not easy.
It's no secret that I have demons galore. I have blogged and talked about them very openly in my speaking engagements. Low self-esteem rooted in childhood sexual, emotional and physical abuse, left me trying to figure out what was normal and healthy. As a result, I maneuvered through life doing damage to my body, mind and spirit. I had to learn that what I thought was a normal way of life, was abnormal. But once I learned, translating that into new behaviors was not an easy task. In fact, it is easiest doing what is familiar to you. While the familiar is the safest thing to do, it is also the most destructive thing to do.
The saying "If you take one step, God will take two," is true. But if you don't move, you give God no room to work in your life. That's the thing about free will. God gives us the option to make both bad and good decisions for our lives. What you do, with what you know, is your choice, your right.
So once I understood what healthy was, how did I actually get to this place in my life of living healthy? The saying, "When you know better, you do better," is not as easy as it seems.
It took a lot of freaking work!! It took taking chances. It took denying myself of things that I enjoyed. It took leaving some people behind. It took a profound internalization that accepting a new way of life was better than the old way, even if the old felt safe. Even if there were levels of comfort in the old.
Remember the definition of insanity: "Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome." Well, that's what happens when we keep talking about wanting a different life but continue to live in the life you have, the same way you have, over and over again.
Now let me be clear, making changes in our life is not easy. It's hard as hell!!! I'm going to give you a practical example and call it a day.
Example: Last week an ex-lover texted to tell me that he missed me and wanted to get together. You can read the blog HERE to fill in the details. I asked him did he still have a wife? He said yes, and I then said, I can't go there. And that ended the texting.
Now this is the reality. My last relationship ended about a year ago. I promised him that I wouldn't talk about him publicly because he has the right to work through his demons his own way. I love and miss him and I know he feels the same way, but we CANNOT be together. It is what it is! So I'm very lonely. I miss him, but I also miss companionship and honestly, I miss being touched. (Not fucked, touched!)
Him texting me stirred up emotions at that moment. He made me remember how good we were together, it made me feel desirable. Here I am with AIDS and going through IV treatment for herpes, pretty much at a low emotional point in my life, and a man who has a wife and is "happily married" texts me to say, I want you.
Damn!! Girl you got it like that, went through my head. My ego was on 10! And then I started to think about him and in that second, how he made my toes curl. And I was honest with him--"I miss you, but I can't do it." And I wonder if I really missed him, or actually just missed being with someone. Or maybe it seemed like the next best thing at that moment because I can't be with who I want to be with. Who knows, maybe all the above.
Now, I had a few options. I could have filled some void in my life by fucking him but that would have put me right back where I was a few years ago. In those few texts I had to be HONEST with myself.
After the fuck, he would go back home to his wife and all I would have is a wet pussy, still be lonely and a broken spirit.
And that may lead me back to a cycle of unhealthy behavior, yet again, because I would be seeking something to fill that void. It might lead me down Michigan Ave. spending money I don't have to spend, literally bill money. Or make me break Lent and go get a dozen More Cupcakes. Or make myself vulnerable to continue to see him.
I also had to remember his history in this equation. He will fuck as often as I allow him to fuck and that is all he is willing to offer, a hard dick. It was hard. Think about it. I had to do all of this thinking lonely, vulnerable and within minutes. But I did it!!
And because of my faithfulness I put myself in a better place to be used more and more by God. But honestly, I know that God will love me in spite of me. I also know that gifts and calling comes without repentance. (It's in the word.) So at the end of the day, the most important thing is that I can look myself in the mirror and feel good about what I see. Yes, I am still lonely and at an emotional low point in my life. But at least I like myself.
You CANNOT be healthy living a lie either in actions, head or heart. I had to accept my desire at that moment in order to conquer that desire. If an addict does not face that they want to "use" at that moment and take their ass to an AA meeting or call their sponsor, they will surely end up in a crack house. You cannot face your demons in a lie.
It is true, "He who conceals his disease cannot except to be cured." If you don't face ALL the truths in a situation you cannot make the best decisions for your life. I'm just grateful that God allowed me to be honest with you about what I was feeling. You cannot save lives with half-truths and misinformation. I wanta say more, but I think other people addressed her appropriately. Thank you, Lovely's!! #teamRae.
At some point in your life you have got to make the hard decisions about what's good, right and perfect, and what kind of life you truly want to live.
Yes, it will be hard work and no, you will never be a perfect being. Only God is perfect. But in the end, you will not only love the person that you are, you will actually like the person that you are. But one thing is for sure, if you continue to do the same thing over and over again, change will NEVER happen! Be the Change you want to see in your life!