Monday Reflection: Operate In Your Blessing

As I was putting on my make up yesterday, getting myself ready for church, I started to think about the fact that I never gave up. I mean think about that thing. I've known my HIV status for 26 of the 29 years I've been infected.

I've had to manage what has at times seemed unmanageable. For sure, when I was told my HIV status, it was a death sentence; bottom line! And make no mistakes, I saw death staring me in my face. Finding hope sometimes seemed impossible with a T-Cell count of 8 at one point and mediocre healthcare at best. The medical community was working hard, but that first half of the pandemic was a living nightmare. It just wasn't what it is today.

Think about this, I've had to think about this thing for over half of my life. Just thinking about HIV is overwhelming. What I could have done differently. What people think of me. Will anyone love or date me? When am I going to get sick next? How am I going to get sick; will it be an infection that's treatable or something that will take me out of here? Just thinking about death when I should have been thinking about living was a chore in and of itself.

Thinking about this thing was some hard and real shit. How HIV changed my life, how my goals changed, shit just straight up, how HIV/AIDS reshaped my life and my body without my fucking permission.

I mean, it's a wonder that thinking about HIV these last 26 years of knowing, I didn't lose my freaking mind. I understand now when the old folks use to say in church, "I thank God for waking me up in my right mind." I am never going to take my right mind for granted, because Living with HIV/AIDS is some dark shit, For real... For real....

Yes, there were days when I lamented to God, ummm Ima be honest, I just flat out cursed God. Yes, there were days when I straight went there, but whenever I began to have my own personal pity party, I would think about my history with God. See, no matter how bad it is on today, I think about how God kept me on yesterday and thinking about yesterday, gives me hope for tomorrow.

I got an email from a woman recently who has just been diagnosed with HIV and there are days when she has no hope. Days when all she can think about is how freaking dark this disease is and that has left her hopeless and suicidal. But if you think on the goodness for just five minutes, it will give you five minutes of hope. Try it people, in your despair, think about what God has already done in your life. Let the victories of yesterday give you hope for tomorrow. Operate in your blessings, not in your despair.

Let me pause to say, it's crazy in the 21st century, 32 years into the AIDS pandemic a newly diagnosed person is filled with such hopelessness because of the attitudes around HIV.  HIV/AIDS is the one medical condition that leaves a person with shame of self because of the shaming from others. It's bad enough having to deal with a long term chronic illness, but to have to deal with all the gossip and nasty opinions that come with this disease is enough to make you go mad.

I'm so glad, that I don't give a fuck what people think of me anymore. God set me free from that madness. I don't even care that you just grasped at the fact that I just used fuck and God in the same sentence. Your small mind don't interfere with how God gives me an aha moment to give to others, nor does it change my methodology. It's my gift and I'm not going to stop operating in my gifts because you box God's capacity to use people into your small mind.

That was a side bar, but back to the point. Living with this disease is madness at its best. For sure,  God has given me the ability to operate in madness with a sane mind.

Me and Lesa having Tea at the Peninsula

Yes, God has been a keeper, but God keeps people all day long that still live in hopelessness. Yep, Grandmama use to say, God takes care of fools and babies. Not only that, some people just complain and cry all day long about shit they can control. You keep talking about how you hate your job, but you ain't even tried to look for a new job or a new career.

I don't want to hear your excuses! Shit stinks no matter where it comes from. I know you can make it happen, if you operate in your blessings. My girlfriend Lesa is interviewing for  medical school, with Lupus. She's over 35 years of age and she just lost her mother. SO STOP IT! Stop sitting back waiting on God to change  things when God has given you all that you need to change things. You are just too busy complaining and or boxing God into the terms and conditions you want instead of operating in the blessing that is before you.

We do it in relationships too. You don't like how that man makes you feel, how he treats you, but you stay. You stay and take the 50% because that's better than being alone. Bullshit ain't nothing, I'm never going to stay in a relationship with a man that doesn't understand my value, and doesn't treat me at my optimum worth. God didn't give me value for another person to depreciate my worth. Yep, people will treat you however you allow them to.  Some of you are praying for God to make him do right, when you need to pray for the strength to pack your freaking bags. Some things you are waiting on God to change, when you have the power to change yourself. That's what so great about free will. You can choose. Freewill is a blessing!

Tracyce Madre before and after. 

You don't like all that extra weight, but you don't push yourself from the table. You have one more cookie because you like how the cookie makes you feel and you explain it to yourself by saying you had a rough day. You don't work out and you explain that away by saying you're too tired or too busy. Yep, you give the madness a place to live and thrive in your spirit, me included. I've been complaining about these extra 20 pounds I got last year from being sick on IV most of the year and a year later I'm still complaining *smh* but ummm, I just got my breakthrough POW! My hair weaver/stylist Trayce Madre' lost over 90 pounds; one meal and one work out at a time. God gives us the tools, but we don't use them.

For sure, living with HIV/AIDS has become a permanent fixture in my life. I can't change that fact, but I can determine how I operate in this madness.

Yes, I could have surrendered to the madness of AIDS a long time ago, but I chose life over death; and I live in the blessing of my life no matter what I'm facing. You can't let the disappointment, the ugly and the challenges of life stop you.

You must make the best out of what's before you. You have got to operate in the blessings of right now.

If you can't quite see your right now, I'll lend you some of my right now. Think about the fact that I not only want to put on make-up, I do. Think about the fact that I keep it moving no matter how slow the pace. Find hope in someone else, until you can find hope in your own story.

But find hope in your own story you must! Try this, write down one blessing a day and use that as a tool for remembrance when things are so dark you can't see in front of you. Pull that piece of paper out and use it as a roadmap for your future.

At the end of the day you have got to ask yourself, what are you doing with what God has given you? Are you squandering your gift of life? Are you allowing the madness to dictate to you, rather than you to it?

God can keep you all day long, but God needs you to operate in the blessings that He has given to you. This is your optimum! And the moment you start operating in your blessings, you will move in the direction of the life that God has designed just for you. Operate in Your Blessing!

You Live To Learn.. You Die To Forget...

Picc line last time I was on IV Meds.

I started this blog post at 3:30 this morning at home, worked on it at the hospital and now I'm back home from the hospital from getting my picc line placed. Yes, I'm going on IV this evening. For those of you who need to get caught up to speed. I have drug resistant herpes. Which means, none of the oral medication will treat my strain and only sometimes do the topical work.

I contracted herpes in college before HIV, but now years later my immune system is so shot to hell, it can't fight off the herpes. The herpes also attacks my nervous system and cause me to have pain in my legs, feet and back. It feels like someone is sticking pins in them all day long. This genital herpes I have is mostly on my vulva. One sore this time that feels like someone is pouring alcohol in a open wound all the time. This drug resistant herpes I have began about 4 years ago. The doctor's only conclusion, is that there is a part of my immune system that won't repair itself nor will it fight this particular strain of the herpes virus off.

Remember all AIDS really is...is having no immune system. You get sick basically because your immune system can't fight whatever attacks it.

A Week of IV Meds.

The fact of the matter, while I have genital herpes as a separate infection, it would be much more controllable if I didn't have AIDS. Also, there is a large chance that herpes could still attack my body without having contracting genital herpes. No, I wouldn't have the genital herpes, you have to be exposed to that specifically, but herpes zoster i.e. shingles, and the forum of nerve pain I have is probable. Also CMV which causes people with AIDS to go blind.

For many people with AIDS, herpes is what we consider an opportunistic infection. For many people with HIV and genital herpes it can become a nasty combination for our health.

So here I go again. I will be on a 2 1/2 hour drip 2 times a day until the sore on my vulva totally disappears. The last time I was on IV medication, it took 34 days. Remember, the stress around my Delta membership being rescinded affected my healing. The side-effects are nausea, diarrhea and extreme fatigue, but I'm going to keep pressin as much as I can.

In many ways I'm grateful because it's been 5 months since the herpes has come back. But two weeks ago this herpes outbreak was triggered by a chain of events that I had no control over. I learned a person who was very close to me wasn't the person I thought they were. I discovered a year and half of lies that sent my stress level to its max and stress is the number one enemy of herpes.

So here I am trying to put my million little pieces together. I feel like Oprah talking to James Frey, going through his book saying, "Is this true?" That day as I watched, I felt so sorry for James Frey sitting their being grilled by Oprah. For years I was mad at Ms. O. "How could she kick his ass so hard on national TV?" I thought. But I get it, the avid book reader she is, she had believed every single lie in his book. She him cheered him on and cried for and with him. Shit so had I, then to learn later that he had lied about his life. We all had bought the lie hook line and sinker.

Lies are dangerous for the person who tell them and the person that believes them. Its a distortion of reality and when the truth is finally revealed its a hard thing to process and honestly you don't know who or what to trust.

When people lie they alter your reality and force you to live in a lie. I'm just grateful that God has always got my back. For sure no lie can live forever! I think that  God has a funny sense of humor sometimes. His methodology is WOW. He fixed that thing for my benefit and I didn't even see it coming, but you better believe I'm listening. Isn't it wonderful how God can do for you sometimes what you can't do for yourself? Now that God has set me free, I don't intend to go back into that prison.

So here I am, putting me back together again. All I can do is move forward. First step for me was believing the truth over and above the lies and manipulation. Then I had to take my control back! Take my reality back!

Now, that I've accepted it for what it is, I must accept my own culpability!  Ownership is a mother. My BFF Luke and I reflected on this earlier today. We both wanted so much to have more support for me. Support that I could depend on. Yep, I participated in the lie. I know right off, I'm always looking for family. So I brought the lie hook line and sinker. Even in those early days when I had doubts, the person in me wanted to believe in the goodness of human nature, not taking into account emotional instability.

They provided what I needed very well, but the person that I thought had become my family was a lie. When I really think about it, I have no idea who they are. NONE!

But now that I know the lie, I cannot under any circumstance allow myself to live that lie. My entire life is about being authentic, it's God's gift to me, to give to you.

So here I am putting my pieces back together and trying to manage my stress level so I can heal quickly. This is not what I wanted for my life, but it is what it is. I hate most when other people's behavior alters your life. But all you can do is learn the lesson and never forget. Pastor Jakes said to me when I sought him out for counsel over this matter, "You live to learn, you die to forget." I count it another lesson learned!

The Horror of HIV/AIDS: The Murder of Cicely

HIV/AIDS is one scary ass illness. In contemporary times, for sure it's one illness that has made people think irrationally, including me. But how could we not, with those early images of ghostly looking white men who lined the walls of hospitals around the country. This mysterious "Gay Disease" as doctors called it, scared reason out of everyone, from doctors to nurses to mothers to fathers to ministers, even the undertaker was scared to bury the dead.

I remember in 1984 during the Democratic primary, just two years into the pandemic Rev. Jesse Jackson would visit these AIDS hospices where mostly gay men were sent to die. He would even spend the night at one hospice as a way to show compassion for the throw-away of society. Ronald Reagan was President and he hadn't even mentioned AIDS out of his mouth and the death toll was raising beyond anything we understood.

People were in panic mode for sure. There were news reports that people had burned a house down of a person known to have AIDS. In a small town in Indiana, they kicked little Ryan White out of school. Doctors and nurses refused to touch people with this mysteries disease that the medical journals coined GRID (Gay Related Infectious Disease).

The early images and information on AIDS in the 80's spilled over into the 90's and it stuck to us like gorilla glue.

By the time Magic Johnson went public with his HIV status I had known mine for five years. In that five years I had held my infection close to my heart. The burden of living with my infection in secret I felt, was better than being a outcast in society. My career as a political organizer was growing. I was in graduate school working on my masters in Political Science, with my eyes on a PhD and I couldn't afford to let little minds stop me from my goals, so I choose carefully who I told. I even stayed in a unhealthy relationship for 4 years with a man 25 years my senior for fear of being alone. He had accepted my HIV status and I figured that I might as well leave well enough alone.

While Magic was being ostracized by his fellow NBA teammates, my upward mobile friends where cracking jokes about HIV and I sat in silence and suffered. Treatment was mediocre at best and AIDS was a death sentence for sure.

The first 10-15 years of this disease was ugly and so was society. But now we are 32 years into the AIDS pandemic and the medical advances have been nothing short of a miracle. Times have changed and so has HIV/AIDS, so why haven't we changed? I woke the other morning with a news report of a woman being murdered after she disclosed her HIV status to her partner.

I can image what went through Cicely Bolden's mind, I know because I've been there. You meet a guy and you like him. You really like him. You want to tell him that you have HIV but you are afraid of rejection. I mean no one wants to be alone. You have those butterflies in your tummy all the time, so it seems. You know you should tell him, but you just can't bring yourself to do it. I remember once in my early days, I was "this" close to having sex. We started out kissing and cuddling and I could feel his penis raise. OMG, I liked this guy, he was rich and successful and had been working on me for months. He was in town visiting and as we lay on that plush bed, in that plush five star hotel I was in absolute turmoil.

I played every scenario in my head. if I tell him now with his hard dick pressed against my body how would he react? I was old enough to know that you don't play dick and pussy with a man.

If you don't want to fuck, then you shouldn't do the things with him that leads to fucking. Yes, no should be no, but by the same token, a woman must take ownership of who she lets feel between her legs. LADIES, feeling between your legs and on your breast sends the single you want to fuck. That's the bottom fuckin line. Stop playing dick and pussy, its very dangerous.

But back to the topic at hand. I mean, I had wanted to tell him before it got that far, but the words just wouldn't come out of my mouth. He got harder and harder and I started to panic. I felt it was morally wrong to not disclose my status, but we had gone so far how do I stop?

 But had we really gone to far? We were both still clothed and I knew that I had to act fast. I just knew it. I also knew that this was not the time to tell. You don't have a serious conversation when the dick is hard and the pussy is wet. Boundaries should be established before he ever touch your breast. Touching should only occur when you've had an adult conversation, like do you have a sexually transmitted disease?  Have you ever had a sexually transmitted disease? How do you feel about condom use? This conversation must take place very early in every relationship. And if you are not mature enough to have it, then you are not mature enough to have sex.

So I was literally stuck between a rock and a hard place. He laid on top of me, grinding his hard dick against my body and I lay their in chaos. I knew I had to bite the bullet. I just knew it. I whispered,
"I can't. I can't do this."
"Huh?"
"I can't, I'm not ready." I mumbled.
"Ain't you on the pill?" He asked.
At that moment I knew there was a God. This was my way out. "No I whispered." There was a deep sigh and he rolled off my body.

That was the last time I saw him. Not because he didn't try, but because I preferred to walk away rather than being outright rejected. He would later learn my HIV status like many others, when I told my story on the cover of Essence magazine.

I understand what must have gone through Cicely's head. It had probably gone to the point of no return and she just didn't know how to say it. Then after the sex, she started to feel remorse. She needed to be honorable. And honestly it's never to late to do right a wrong. So she told. She told. She told. She told; And telling caused her life.

He said, "She killed me, so I killed her." My most fundamental question is how did we get to this place 32 years into the AIDS pandemic that a lack of education and fear of rejection would cause a life? Read More Here

Yes it was morally wrong for Cicely to not disclose up front, but it should not have caused her life.

The Facts Stand For Themselves

1. It's 20 to 1 that a woman will infect a man. The fact of the matter about 15% of the men in the United States are infected because they had a sex with a woman. Men infect woman, woman rarely infect men. Most men in this country are infected from having sex with another man or through the sharing of needles with someone who has HIV.

2. The latest research is clear. If a person is infected with HIV and their viral load is non- detectable it's about a 2-3% chance that they would infect their partner, even if they use NO condom.

3. If a person knows that they have been exposed to HIV and seek a prophylaxis treatment with 72 hours it will reverse the HIV.  They can take a HIV medication cocktail for 30 days and it will destroy the HIV in their body.

So you see, the chances that he is actually infected are slim to none. And they could have acted fast and put him in a preventable treatment just on GP. That's why HIV education is important for both the infected and the uninfected.

And it must be said, AIDS is no longer the death sentence it use to be. With EARLY diagnoses ( thats why testing is important) proper treatment, care and COMPLIANCE a newly infected person can live with HIV for years. These are all facts!

So how did we get to this point? Like For real... For real? Like don't everyone know what I know about HIV? It's not just about lack of education but about the stigma and shame that still overshadows all common sense around HIV.

We have got to move beyond the stigma and ugliness around HIV/AIDS. We must do it as a nation and as a people. African-Americans we must get a grip. I say this because African-Americans are 52% of all HIV cases in the United States and we are 12-14% of the population.

1. Families must stop talking about those in their families infected with HIV and start talking to them.
2. We have to create an environment where people are willing to disclose their HIV Status from our families, home to our churches.
3. In fact, we must create an environment where it's even ok to know your HIV status.
4.  Pastors must stop preaching condemnation from the pulpit and begin to preach the love of Jesus. Pastor Jakes said last Sunday that we show we are a Christian, when we love our neighbor as ourselves.
5. Testing must take places in our churches, organizations and in our homes. Make it a family affair, make it a sorority and fraternity affair. Everyone of the age of consensual sex should be tested. The more we make it ok to know our status, the more people will feel free to tell their status. 
6. Pastor's must talk about HIV/AIDS from the pulpit about HIV as a health issue and also make sure that their members have all the practical information about sex, not just the biblical information. For some, it's takes a minute or two for salvation to catch up with their living. 
7. Education for people will HIV must become a part of the equation. 
8. Traditional AIDS organizations must step up to the plate like they did in the early days of the pandemic when white men were being buried everyday
9. We must all become a part of the solution and stop being a part of the problem. We must examine our own lives and communities and ask the most basic question of what must I do to help bring about change, to end, stigma and shame. We must all help to create an environment where HIV is viewed as a health issue and not modern day leprosy.

I have so much more that I could say. This is Real Talk people.... We are killing ourselves and each other. When are we going to take the horror out of HIV? I am sad beyond belief that Cicely's life was taken for no good reason. This is madness at it's best.  Rest In Peace Cicely...