And when you are laid out you can't see the forest, shit you can't even see the trees. But you can feel the cold, moist ground sucking the life out of you. And as you lay there, you know instinctively that if you continue to lay in this dirt that a part of you will surly die, not physically, but emotionally and spiritually. And I tell you, a dead spirit in my opinion is worst than death. Death is final, but living with a broken spirit is an endless bottomless pit. Like being in hell and looking up to heaven, wanting to be there, but it's not available to you.
But there is a double edge sword. You must also face the hard core reality that it is what it is. You cannot get around the hard core reality of your situation. Be it health or some other traumatic thing happening in your life. Trauma is trauma: And what I've learned over the years is that everyone's trauma is equally important to them. And in the course of life, there are things that happen to each of us that just fucks us up. Like when my last boyfriend walked out of that door. I had never loved a man the way that I loved him and yet in the past, I was the bounce back queen from broken relationships. But when I looked up and realized that I hadn't washed my ass in over a week, I knew that I was in trouble.
I do some of my best thinking in the shower. I knew that the relationship was extremely unhealthy and it was sucking the life out of me. But I wanted it, I wanted it more than life, and even more than God. In fact, he became my God. My every word, my every thought, and my every action was toward him. And I've heard it said, "The one you think and talk the most about is your God."
As wonderful as my guy was in so many ways, he still would have sucked the life out of me before I let him go. But even after acceptance, it still took time to work through the withdrawals of his presence everyday, all day. The loneliness the sieges you in the middle of the night , will make you lose your freaking mind. But I knew, that I had to let him go to regain me.
But with your health, it's not that simple. You see with a relationship you can control you, but with your health you are at the mercy of the sickness. Like a man, you know the sickness it's sucking the life out of you, but its departure is a tad more complicated then just walking out the door, deleting him from your Facebook, no calls or emails. And I know that torture's in and of itself, right? Right! But you have none of those options when it comes to your health.
More, stimulated my taste buds.
Sophie insisting that she be walked even though standing was an issue for me. I pushed my way through not wanting to disappoint my baby girl. This guilt I have, that she not be punished because of my health. But once out, something magical happened, no my health didn't change, but the sun beamed down on me and reminded me that God is always there. Can't always feel Him, but He is there sometimes sitting behind the clouds and other times shinning bright.
It's the little things that I did, to keep me in tact. At the top of the pyramid is reminding myself that God has never left me. Always remember where you have come from and how far God has brought you. It's then that your faith becomes stronger and your confidence in God's plan for your life is solid. Your history with God should never be forgotten; It is the cornerstone of your life.
This past week I even went to a Bloggers Conference. And had brunch with my girlfriends. They were both reminders that I was alive. The conference, put me in thinking mode about how to grow my work as a blogger. And the brunch stimulated my senses and provided me with fellowship and laughter.
I can go on an on about the little things I do to find peace of mind in this chaos. But I hope you get the point. Adjust and readjust that which you can do. Never surrender to the madness. There is no man, no health condition or any situation under the planet that is worth your peace of mind. NONE!! The situation is what it is and for some situations change may not come or they may come at a slower pace than we hoped. In the meantime you have to find the things to keep you together. That's exactly what I'm doing. And don't sweat the small stuff. It took me all morning to write this blog post.. But I did it.
Post Script: Health Update -- There has been some improvement with my health, but I am not out of the red zone yet. Well, I'm leaving the red zone and making it to the yellow. I am however, trying to get back to a work schedule. I may not be able to keep up my full load everyday, but I cannot surrender my entire work over to my health. Enough is enough... So instead of waiting on full recovery, I'm doing a little each day; What I can, to the best of my ability. One day at a time and honestly it's one minute at a time.