At 18 I was living on my own and my life was a mess of a mess. It's hard taking care of one's self and trying to finish high school and be in love all at the same time. I found myself at the end of the school year in shambles. My relationship with my first love was crumbling. I discovered that he was a dog of a dog. But at 18 having dated a man 10 years older than you for 3 years, where do you go? On top of that, the hour plus commute to school had gotten the best of me and I wasn't as disciplined as I needed to be and I flunked senior English and didn't graduate.
But now he was gone. I had flunked out of school and my life was a freaking mess. I knew that I was in trouble #ForReal but I didn't know just quite how to pull me together. So one Sunday morning I crawled myself out of bed and made it to Grandmama's church. I hadn't been to church in months. I was to busy lovin on the one hand, and surviving on the other.
I couldn't wait to get home to lay out my new plan. At the top of the list, night school in the fall. I had to graduate.
I laid on the damp floor of this abandoned building for a long time. I had never experienced terror as this before. I was afraid to move. Afraid that he would follow me home and know where I lived. Afraid... Afraid... Afraid...
Eventually, I got up, put my panties on and made my way to another train station to get home. When I walked in the house, I told my step-sisters I had been raped as a matter of fact and went to the bathroom and made me a bath. Of course they called the police and I didn't get that bath until after the hospital, rape kit and the police station to look at mug shots. (No he was never caught)
That night I bathed over and over and over again and in between baths I listened to Tramaine Hawkins Holy One over and over agin.
NO!!! I didn't think then nor now that the rape was my fault. But it was a wake-up call to shape up my freaking life. But I do believe that the pain and trauma of the rape forced me to sit still and ask the hard questions of myself. What the hell was I doing with my life? How could I go from honors English to flunking out of English. Where had it all gone wrong? When Mama put me out the house 7 months earlier, she told me I was never gonna be shit and from her vantage point I was proving her right.
That night in the dark I made my promise to God in the words of this brilliant song. And I will heed to Your every command.. And to everyone I'll show my purpose and my goal and in You, Ill be able to STAND..
And from this song I got enough courage to go back to night school and graduate and I never looked back. And while I continued to make messes because life ain't that simple. It took years of therapy to clean out the garbage can in my life. But over the years, I never forgot the promise I made to God... And every chance I get I try to make good. And I will heed to Your every command.. And to everyone I'll show my purpose and my goal and in You, Ill be able to STAND..
The most difficult part of this song is the verse.... Holy One I Never want to let you down...I never want to let you down no more, because life is not that simple. And we are human. I'm always amazed at the super-saved people who profess to be living just right. How do they lie to themselves and to us just that easy? And as quiet as it's kept, that kind of bolstering is a sin in and of its self... But that's another blog
The fact is, we make promises to God... And as humans we should do our best to keep those, but whether we do or not, God keeps His. That's what's so awesome about our relationship with God, in Jesus, it has no over reaching demands, only that we believe.
But each day, you should want to do better and be better. And each day you settle for less than your best, YOU then hurt you more than any one person ever can. Freewill is an awesome gift from God that we can either use for the best or for the worst. That's why I got off my tail today and wrote this blog. God has given me another day of life when the doctors said I should be dead, and each day is a new day to do better and be better. I wrote this blog today because God has given me an awesome gift, how dare I squander it stuck in self-pity. Think about it on the surface, God gave me the gift with AIDS, that means I'm supposed to use it with AIDS.
So as the sprit led through an unexpected inspiration from one of my followers.. I did just what I said I would do.... I will heed to Your every command.. And to everyone I'll show my purpose and my goal and in You, I'll be able to STAND..
Yes we make promises... And we should do our best to keep them.. A person's word is their honor... But the most awesome thing about this journey, even if we don't keep ours, God Keeps His...