Have you ever had sex in a car or sucked a dick that you wish you hadn't? Now close your mouth from shock and speak Truth To Power! I know I have.
In my late teens sex in the car was often the only place you could afford to go. It was a hot and steamey clandestine meeting that was worth every minute. Good Lawd, that Brotha was something to remember and I don't regret not one moment of it! But ummm there are something's that I wish I hadn't done, but did. I know I have sucked a dick here or their that wasn't worth my mouth or the degradation I felt when it was all done. I don''t really regret them because it I had not done them, I wouldn't have learned something new. To live is to learn and to die is to forget!
I'm no virgin and sex for me started when I was 13 and I'm 50 now. Yes, I wish I had waited but by that time I had already been taught that sex was love by my uncle and step-brother. So I set out about this world looking for someone to love me with about an ounce of self-esteem. I hadn't thought about regrets until an old college friend dropped by last week and asked, "Other than the obvious, do I have any regrets?" I told him that I had none! Not even the obvious! I keep saying to people that our journey shapes who we are. I can't pick and choose one expect of my life because it's all connected. If I could choose it would start with my birth parents. Born to heroine addicts set me on this likely course and it is what it is.
I've often wondered if Monica regretted doing it. Her life was forever altered. Clinton left the White House to become a millionaire and she struggled to just get a job. It was women who did the most damage to Monica. Women black listed her, like their man was next on her list. Jenny Craig said using Monica in her adds was the worst mistake of her company. Women dropped her diet plan like a hot potato. Monica was a generation to late. if it had happened ten years later she could have made some money with the right branding like others have done.
So we do things that are a tad savory at best. You were trying not to go there but in the moment it was hot and steamy and he kept saying, "Just do it baby," and the pressure of wanting more from him takes control and before you know it, you sucking him like a lollipop, hoping that this will be the thing that wins him over.
I've grown so much since the early 90's during the Clinton- Lewinsky Scandal. Shoot, I've grown so much in the last few years. It's a wonderful thing when you can look at your life and all that's been done and you can say, I learned this from that!
But knowledge is powerless if we don't use it! At the end of the day, it's not just enough to know better, you have to do better. Now, doing better is no easy task. NOPE! Sometimes we find ourselves in the same situation over and again. It's only when we have had enough of self-loathing that we really start to do better.
The truth is, you cannot run from the things that you have done. All you can really do is learn from them and use that knowledge to be a better you.
I've learned that sex is not love and just because a man makes me wet between the legs doesn't mean that I should give him my innermost self. If the truth be told, you can make your own self wet between the legs. I've learned that just because you have chemistry in bed, doesn't mean that a man will love and respect you.
All you can do is regroup and keep it moving. It's not that we fall down, it's not even about how long we stay down, it's about the getting up. When you get up, you acknowledge that you are a child of God worthy of love and grace. All you have to do now is forgive yourself, as God has already forgiven you.