On Saturday I was searching for something to make me feel better, something to take me away from it all. If I had some extra money I probably would have gone shopping in spite of the fact that my body is to broken too be out and about shopping; I know I don't need a darn thing and in the end, I know it's gonna make me feel worse feeding my old behavior. Yep, just cause you know better, don't always mean you to better.
Ummmm, can I be honest? My spirit was broken and I wanted a quick fix. I crawled myself out of bed and walked to the bead shop. I thought there should be at least one thing that I can buy that will make me smile. Ha, there was nothing new since two days ago, so with no purchase and a sad face, I walked to the yogurt shop.
With yogurt in tote I made it half way down the block before I turned back to get a lid and a bag. It had become clear after a few spoonfuls; whatever I was looking for was not to be found in my yogurt cup.
I made my way to Walgreens to get the dish washing liquid that was badly needed to rescue my sink from dirty dishes. While in Walgreens, I walked up and down the candy aisle. I picked up, put back and picked up candy that I knew I didn't need over and over again.
By the time I made it to the, "Do it yourself check-out counter," that I hate, my tummy started to talk to me and I could feel that poop was getting ready to come. My Irritable Bowel Syndrome was acting up, but no wonder, stress is a major cause for some. I became nervous and anxious trying to check out that I got confused. "Lawd, please don't let this happen," was all I could think. I had on wide legs pants with no panties; Yep because they hurt too much to wear these days, so all I could think about was poop coming down the legs of my pants onto that floor.
"Baby I'm about to use the bathroom on myself," I said to the clerk, "Do you have a public washroom?" He gave me directions and just I sat on the toilet, it came. A deep exhale, "Thank God," I mumbled.
I was really disoriented, couldn't figure out what the hell was going on with me. I walked home and crawled straight into my bed.
A deep sigh, in my head. I bought all that junk to give me a feel good away from my health madness and I didn't even get a chance to see if it would work because another health issue took center stage. *SMDH*
Ha, wasn't that a lesson?!? When I layed down that Saturday night I decided that I needed to spend some time getting ME back together; finding myself because I was clearly lost. I needed to get me back before I start this journey today; Picc line placed this afternoon and I start IV meds tomorrow.
Jennifer Holliday, so she was in my spirit. I clicked, her version of It is Well With My Soul and good LAWD, it gave me life!
It reminded me of the Apostle Paul who declared, no matter what season, I've learned to be content. Rich or poor, hungry or fed. Paul, who had a health issue that God refused to heal. Paul, who did some of his most profound writings while in prison.
He was content with a thorn in his flesh, he was content in prison, it didn't matter what season he faced, he understood God's love for him was greater than anything he faced and he never stopped the work that God had place before him Phil 4:2-10.
I played Jennifer over and over and over again. Shoot, Ima be honest, I played it for at least 8 hours yesterday. And each time I heard her voice, and Lawd that testimony she gives in this song, it all renewed my spirit and gave me the answers that I so needed. I started hitting the devil 3 times in my head, just like Jennifer, one for the Father, One for the Son and one for the Holy Spirit.
I took the day away from Social Media, no tweeting, just the tweet that said, "It is well with my soul." But by then, I had played that song at least 10 times.
After I finished with my clients last night. I turned right back to Jennifer and then added some of my other favorites to the playlist and as the music ministered to me, it became clearer and clearer.
Sometimes we get so caught up in life that we forget the basics. We look in so many places for those things to help ease our pain, to make us forget. Yep, shopping, food, drugs, drinking, sex all those things that in the end make you even emptier then when you first began. Turning to those things, you now have to face the shame and guilt in the over indulging, and be clear, that just adds insult to injury and takes you further than where you wanted to be.
My fellowship with God. So I'm getting back to the basics! The best time in one's life is time spent with God! There is no greater love or relationship you can have.
Now don't miss what I'm saying. Yes, I love the Lord, my faith is solid and I have an awesome ministry as unorthodox as it is. I also know that there is nothing that can separate me from the love of God.
Yes, I open the Bible to minister to others, but not so much lately for myself. Yes, I know that God renders an Aha moment each time I read His Word. Yep, Yep, there is new revelation every time I open the good book. So what the heck have I been doing? *blank stare* Or should I say, why haven't I been doing what I know for works for sure?!?
I've been so busy trying to prove to AIDS that it can't take all of me, I've neglected the most important part of me. I've been so busy trying to bless the people of God that I've missed my blessing. Just like you come to my blog for renewal and insight, I go to God. I hope you do to. I hope that my blog is a blessing to you, but I hope that your relationship with God is also a blessing to you and that I am second on your list.
Yes, I know where my help comes from but somehow I've lost sight. Yes, God has been watching over me, but I have not sat down with God in a while. I've been passing God up, busy fighting AIDS and doing the work of God. This morning's mediation made it ever clearer, Paul says in Philippians 4:4
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with Thanksgiving, present your request to God. And the peace of God will guard your hearts and your minds in Jesus Christ
How Powerful is that? Now don't be confused. Paul does not say that your petition will be granted, but he does say, you will have peace in your situation.
So I'm going back to the basics! Not one blog will be written in the morning, nor one tweet, until I've had some time with God; Time for fellowship and renewal.
|La Masion! Best Chocolate On The Planet!|
You don't need a lot, sometimes it's a Bible verse, a simple song in a quite space, and you don't need any fancy words just tell God what's on your heart and open up the word of God and read a few verses and ask God to give you understanding.
Now, remember, I'm not saying that whatever you're facing will disappear. Sometimes it what it is. Some things cannot be altered. Sometimes, time, space and circumstance dictate what it is. But I am saying that time with God will give you both peace about your situation and strength to endure.
Like the song says:
When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Get back to the basics just like me! Put God on your to do list each day. You can't buy, sex, drink, drug or eat to get the peace that comes from God.